DD2 can't sleep unless someone is nearby. As she has bunkbeds, it used to be the case that she'd sleep on the top bunk, and my husband or I would lie on the bottom bunk until she fell asleep. This wasn't too bad an arrangement, because it was comfortable, and with a torch I could get on with some much needed reading. Over time, we managed to pull away, so that we were sitting on the landing outside her bedroom door as she fell asleep; which meant we could get away a bit earlier than previously. Recently, however, she has taken to sleeping on her bedroom floor, with her head on the landing, so she can watch us as she falls asleep, meaning we're back to being upstairs for hours in the evening.
DD1, otoh, being older is generally ok at going to bed by herself. She is s...l...o...w getting washed, preferring to tap dance in the bathroom than brushing her teeth, but usually she does it, goes to bed, has a quick hug, reads a bit and goes to sleep.
Not last night.
DD1 has arachnophobia and really really panics if she sees a spider, even a money one. Yesterday morning, she saw one on the corner of her ceiling as she was waking up, and managed to get up and get out without screaming the house down. Hurray for small wins!
Unfortunately, this all came back to her as she was going to bed. She does have anxiety at the best of time, and this was too much as she was heading into a full blown panic. DD1 doesn't panic quietly, or hyperventilate or anything like that; she screams; full volume; and gets angry.
So, I'm trying to calm DD1 down and quieten her down whilst simultaneously getting DD2 to sleep, and it's not working. I suggest to DD1 that she takes one of her anxiety sweets and she angrily retorts "That's not going to help at all, is it?". I ask her what will help, and she wants me to search her room for hidden spiders. I look in all the corners and they are all spider-free, but that's not good enough for DD1, she wants me to hunt through all her things. Now, DD1's bedroom is a mess. She has a small bedroom, but between both children they share a 'play room' so there does not need to be any toys in her bedroom, just clothes, make-up and a few personal belongings. DD1 is screaming at me that I need to look harder. I repeat that I have looked, there's nothing there, and I need her to quieten down so DD2 can get to sleep. I also suggest that she tries some deep breathing exercises (I particularly like the 1 breath in, 2 counts out, 3 in, 4 out... up to 10 counts, then start again) but that just resulted in DD1 getting more angry at me.
Meanwhile, my internal stress levels are rising rapidly. I don't know whether it's because of my autism or my depression or my childhood or just that I'm emotionally inept, but I hate being shouted at. I cannot cope with it, and my body goes into fight or flight mode. I can feel it, but can't seem to do anything about it.
I try explaining to DD1 that I can't cope with the noise, that I need her to be quiet, that I have looked for spiders and there are none, that I have suggested things to calm her down, but she just needs to sleep, and that if her bedroom were tidy as I'd asked then it would be easy to check for spiders. Admittedly, with my rational head this morning, my fight response may be winning at this moment, and my rational explanation may be coming across a bit shouty...
Either way, I realise there's no point DD1 and I shouting at each other, especially when I'm trying to get DD2 to sleep. So, I withdraw and go to DD2. DD1 is still crying, but I cannot think what else I can try, that won't make it worse? So I do something I'm not very good at, and ask for help.
My husband was watching TV when I ask him to help me. His response, without asking what I need help with, is to storm upstairs, complaining how it's his turn to watch TV in an evening and I'm the parent so should know better. He goes into DD1's room, and checks all around her room, accepts being shouted at, mysteriously calms her down, then comes out complaining to me again. I start to say to my husband that I wanted help, I wanted to know how to help DD1 and I wasn't wanting him to do it for me.
Apparently, it's easy: I simply have to stand there and let her shout and scream at me until she calms down. But, I can't do that. My body/brain/whatever won't let me. I've tried. I put up with it when she was a baby (you literally could set your watch by her. Between 2pm and 6pm every day, she would scream constantly, no matter what I tried. Not helpful when I had PND) but I just can't do it any more. And that's when he retorted "You better hope I don't die, then" before going back into the living room.
I have actually calmed down quite a lot from last night, but really!?!
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