Weekly Update - End of Year

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, despite the difficulties of not seeing friends and family because of Covid.

I had a nice relaxing time with my family and new pup.  We opened presents, ate a late lunch, and relaxed altogether.

Since then, I've started decorating my new room.  As we finished DD1's room, she has now moved up into the attic, and my room has been emptied.  So, I've painted one wall today, and I hope to paint the other three walls tomorrow.  I can then start buying furniture for it.  The biggest thing to go in there is a sofa bed, which we already have, but it'll be moved upstairs and I've got a new cover to go on it, so it will match the rest of the room.

I do need to do my Self-Assessment for my tutoring work.  I've never left it this late before.  I said the same last year, when I finally did it in October.  I just hope that next year, I don't leave it another 3+ months after the date I complete it this year (since the deadline is 31st January!).

After the New Year, I'll start reading up on the Home Ed stuff again, and fighting both locally and nationally.  Having my own work room will help me stay organised.

I still have one book review to write up, and ideally, I'd like to finish 3 of the books that I am currently reading, and write up reviews of those.  I'll then go through the whole year to give a complete list of the 70+books I have read this year.  Next year, I think I will lower the number of books I plan to read to about 50.  Not to say that I don't think I could read that many again, but if I am getting involved in other things, perhaps studying more too, I simply won't have time to read as much as I have done recently.  I am not sitting in the dance studios any more (due to covid) and haven't even finished the MosaiCraft portrait I bought for myself to do over Lockdown1.  Again, this is because I'm not sat waiting much anymore.  On a Tuesday, when I am waiting for an hour and a half, it is dark at the moment, and I have the pup with me, so it wouldn't be wise to do anything as fiddly as MosaiCraft.

I would like to start focussing on getting healthy again in the new year.  I am very aware that I need to get on the waiting list to have my mastectomy before I'm 40 (so I have 18months), and to have the reconstruction I really do want, I need to lose weight.  I have discovered that surgeons differ by how much weight I'd have to lose, so to know for sure, I will need to actually meet with one.  My mental state has enjoyed not weighing myself every day recently, but my clothes are aware that my weight is creeping up, as I expected it would (not least because it always does when I'm not weighing myself).  I find myself wondering if I can incidentally lose weight by focussing on a different area of my health?  What if I simply record what I am eating and how much exercise I am doing?  If I can get past the shame of recording every bite, will just knowing that I will be writing it later, help me focus my thoughts on healthy foods and the impacts that it will have on my health?  Maybe, just maybe.  And when it gets warmer, I do want to take my pup jogging (she likes it when I run with her now, but it isn't as fun for me when I'm wrapped in a big coat, scarf and boots, lol).

So, that's my quick update and vague plans for next year.

I pray that you can enjoy this festive period, and that your 2021 is better than this year has been xxx

Weighty Worries

I've been trying to write this post for the past fortnight, and I keep starting and deleting.  I'm going round in circles in my mind and I don't know what to do.

I am not losing weight.  It's easy enough to see why - I'm not limiting my eating enough and/or not exercising enough.  And I don't want to.  There, I said it.  I've known for a while my mind isn't in the right place to lose weight.

I'm ok with how I look.  Whilst ideally I would like to lose some weight, actually, I'm ok with how I am. I do have moments, especially when I'm on zoom calls, where I notice my double chin is looking more like a triple or quadruple chin, and I would like to be thinner so I have more choice of clothing, but I don't care enough to change for those reasons.

I'm trying to lose weight in order to have DIEP reconstruction when I have my double mastectomy.  I haven't spoken to a GP or surgeon yet, because I've heard that in order to have DIEP your BMI has to be below a certain level. My BMI is currently 34.5 and I've heard it should be a maximum of 27, if not 25 (ie top end of Healthy weight). So, I've started to think about having implants instead.  I've got no issue with implants, but it's not what I wanted, and that thought makes me sad. Yet, surely if I cared enough, I would make the effort to lose weight? Surely I wouldn't be stuffing mince pies in my gob at every opportunity?

When I had my hysterectomy, I planned on having mastectomy by the time I'm 40.  I'm 38 now, which means (assuming it takes a year for the process [ignoring coronavirus]), I need to see my GP and request it in less than 6 months time. I lack the self belief, let alone will-power, that I am going to be able to lose weight in that time.

I feel like stopping actively trying to lose weight is quitting.  And that isn't good for my depression.
I feel like continuing with the charade of weekly updates makes me a fraud.  And that isn't good for my depression.

If I could have surgery today and any reconstruction I want, I would choose DIEP, even with the added risks of being overweight and the longer recovery time.  Implants is an option, and I could potentially swap implants for DIEP later in the future.  But I don't want implants.  And I don't like to fail.

Who knows? This could be my depression talking, because it's dark and wintery, I've missed my antidepressants a bit too often recently, and I want an excuse to not have to watch what I'm eating with Christmas coming up.  Or it could be that I'm finally facing up to the truth that I don't have the willpower, energy, or strength of character to lose weight effective.  I'm just too lazy.

Weekly Update Y2w43 & BodyGroove Workshop

 My weight has come down since last week - yey!  It hasn't been smooth sailing though, and my weight got even higher before it started to lower again.  And, where I'm alternating sleeping on the sofa, I keep forgetting to weigh myself, so that's why there are gaps in the graph.

I'm not giving up though.  

At the weekend, I did a 2-day Body Groove Workshop.  Back in June (I think), I was meant to be going to Birmingham for a face-to-face workshop with Misty Tripoli, but Coronavirus put paid to that. 
On each day over the weekend were 4 hours of Body Groove dancing, philosophy, meditation and life coaching, with women from all over the world. (Shout out to Bettina and Krista: I wish you both success and happiness in all you do.)

We were taught about the Seven Dimensions of Wellbeing: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Occupational and Environmental.  We were taught that in order to have joy in your life, you need to be authentically you in each of these areas, and we can work towards that in small steps to increase the joy in our lives. 

There was also a key quote that bears repeating:

"You need structures in place that are sufficient to your resistance to succeed."

This is a key thing for me.  You have seen in my attempts of losing weight the past couple of years that my resistance to succeed is strong! I am hoping that now I have a dog, I will be forced to take a daily walk, but this still hasn't happened so far - our puppy hates wearing a collar and a harness, and we've been advised by both the breeder and a dog trainer to go back a stage and generate positive associations with them first, before taking her out.  But, it's taking a long time.  She is now more than happy to sniff and eat treats off them (which she wasn't before), but still panics if we try and lay them on her (not even doing them up).  Unfortunately, there are times when I have to take her out of the house, so am forced to put them on her despite her distress. Back to the point, I haven't yet been going out for daily walks.  But, I have tried to minimise my resistance to going - I've bought myself new boots and a set of waterproofs (incl trousers) so I cannot use the rain as an excuse for not getting outside.

We also looked at ways to bring more playfulness into our lives, and what it is that we truly desire without attaching judgements to those thoughts.  We need to increase connections, both with other people, but also internally.  We need to analyse the judgements we make of ourselves and ask ourselves four key questions, based on The Work by Byron Katie (which I've not read yet, but have added to my wishlist):

1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true?
3. Who do I become because of that thought?
4. In that same moment, who would I be if I couldn't think those thoughts?

I found this challenging because a lot of my judgements about myself are about my need and desire to lose weight.  I am fat - that is absolutely true.  I do need to lose weight - if I want to have DIEP reconstruction after a mastectomy, but if I didn't think I needed to lose weight, I could have reconstruction using implants.  If I didn't align my self worth to losing weight, would I be happier?  What if I didn't keep thinking back to when I was 28 and managed to lose 5 stone (thinking "I did it once, I should be able to do it again"), rather simply accepted this is me now? [For context, I'm back at the same weight I was before I started losing it last time.  'They' say you can't keep the weight off for 5 years, but that's exactly what I did do, before it all piling back on.]  
This is an area that I still need to work on.

It has, also, reignited ideas about becoming a facilitator of Body Groove.  One of my fears is that nobody would want to take part because I'm overweight myself, but others assured me that that shouldn't be an issue, because although Body Groove enables a healthy lifestyle, the purpose isn't to lose weight (though it may be a side effect).  Other fears are around being the centre of attention, and being willing to allow others to see me getting my groove on.  I get embarrassed and self conscious easily, so am I willing to put myself out there and show other people there's nothing to fear?  What if nobody turned up and I was just in a room in a dance studio by myself - I'd find that really embarrassing too!  And of course there are the costs involved, and the added difficulty of covid meaning no more than 15 people at a time, socially distanced apart - can you even groove on the spot?  I don't know.  Much to think about, that's for sure.

Enjoying Life

I've been missing in action for a few days.  10 days ago we decided last minute to drive all the way to Scotland to see my mum and husband in her new house.  She moved last year, and it's too far and too expensive to go normally.  However, with lockdown easing somewhat, but still being unable to go on holiday, my husband took some time off work and we went for a mini break.

It was really good to see her.  Her house is lovely; it's in the middle of nowhere with a large garden and views of the countryside all around.  They are undergoing building work atm so her mother-in-law can move in, but even with that, the house was plenty big enough for my tribe to be housed for  few days.

On the way back down, we spend the night with my dad.  Again, it was great to see him as I hadn't seen him and his wife since before Christmas!  Living far away from family (and not being a fan of phones, beyond texting) it is good to be able to have time to catch up with family properly.

This past Thursday was my 15th Wedding Anniversary.  The girls went to the effort of making us a card each, and they brought us coffee and breakfast in bed.  For lunch, I had pre-bought an Afternoon Tea from Jasmine & Honey Bakery.  It was delicious! And you know how fussy my girls are with eating, and they enjoyed the children's version too.  I bought a cake/afternoon tea stand so we could dish it all out properly, and we drank champagne with lunch.  

Photos from Jasmine&Honey Bakery

Unfortunately, Thursday was also the day that both my parents spoke to their consultants.  To cut a long story short, as my dad often says, they both have cancer.  My mum was expecting it, as her body was feeling like it does when the cancer returns, and it is now due.  She has ovarian cancer in the lymph nodes in her pelvis.  My dad, otoh, was shocked.  He was expecting to be told he had prostate cancer, as his dad had it for many years.  However, unlike my grandad, my dad's cancer has been termed "significant".  He has to undergo more investigations before determining how it will be treated. My dad's consultant also refused to test him for the BRCA2 gene mutation, which I can understand somewhat, however, if my dad does have it, and I have inherited it (in addition the the BRCA1 gene I know about), I should not be on oestrogen HRT, especially not before I have a mastectomy.  So that's a little bit of disappointment, on top of a lot of shit.

In better news, yesterday, I finally got my hair redyed.  I went to Sharon Rewston again and she didn't disappoint.  We went with the same colour scheme as last time, but used some of the teal that was in my hair from being lightened, and it's now ribbonned from dark blue into other colours (purple, pink and teal) as you come down the strands.

Now we're all back home, I need to get back in the habit of eating well (yes I put on weight this past week), moving more, blogging more, and working more.  I am enjoying life for what it is, as nobody knows what the future holds.

Weekly Update Y2w29

I'm a bit delayed with my usual update.  Life has suddenly got really busy - in a good way, but busy nonetheless.

I'm still tutoring atm, though that will end next week, as I've decided to take the whole of August off.  We've not got any plans to go anywhere (yet) but have lots of other projects to do and catch up on.
I'm still doing my MosaiCraft project.  I am now over halfway (currently on base plate 18 out of 30), but it has slowed down a lot, because I'm not sat outside as much as I was at the start of lockdown.  Instead, I am spending much of my time on m computer, not blogging, but working on my new project.  I am trying to spend a few hours each day on it, at least. It is going very slowly though, not least because I am doing it all myself.  I've set myself a deadline of Christmas to have it finished, but I have no idea if that is realistic or not?

Similarly, I am not reading as much as I was.  I am still several books ahead of my GoodReads yearly challenge, and I have a book that I am still yet to review, but I feel like I am spending more and more time on my laptop - much to the chagrin of DD2 who always wants my laptop to play Minecraft!

I'm also still singing with The Collective Virtual Choir.  I'm on my third song with them, but even that has taken a bit of a backseat, and I've been unable to go as many rehearsals as I would like.  Many are being recorded, so I can catch up, but that still requires time to actually watch them.  Today/tonight is the deadline for recording song 3 for feedback, and I still haven't had time to have a go yet, I just hope that when I do, the background noise is quiet enough for the recording to be acceptable.

So, that's all my excuses out of the way.  This past week hasn't been great in all honesty, but focusing on the positives, my weight today (which will be counted as part of next week's update) has finally got below 91kilos - again.  It's almost like to consistently lose weight, I need to reduce the takeaways, reduce the alcohol and up the exercise - who knew??!!

There is still the overall trend downwards from the start of the year, and even my localised peaks are reducing, but I have more work to do.

This week, I have been able to keep drinking Water First, and am hitting my water target of 90 fl oz (2.5litres) each day.  Yes, it does mean that I need the loo lots, but I notice the effect on my body when I don't drink enough, so I'm happy to continue.

I'm also getting back into the habit of eating Veggies Most.  Some examples from this week have included aubergine crisps, meatballs on courgetti spaghetti, and roast turkey with potato salad on a bed of courgettes.  Aiming to eat over half of my meals to be vegetables has been a challenge at times, especially lunchtimes because it's all too easy to make a sandwich or have a bowl of cereal, but yesterday I had an omelette stuffed with mushrooms and spinach, which was delicious, so I need to keep reminding myself that it is possible to eat Veggie Most meals that don't take ages to prepare or cook.

I have had some good news (ish).  For the surgery I want (my reason for losing weight - click on the Mastectomy label in the word cloud to the right), rather than getting down to a BMI below 25, which I thought, depending on the surgeon I may only need to get down to below 28 or even 30!  In real terms, that's still shitloads of weight I need to lose, but slightly less than I thought.

Edit to add:
I totally forgot to mention that over the summer we're changing our house around and redecorating.  DD1 has decided that her box room is too small for her (which tbf it totally is) so is moving up to the Play Room.  The Play Room is a total misnomer - it's really the Kids' Junk Room.  I avoid going up there as much as possible as it's not good for my stress levels.  However, as she wants that to be her room, I'm having to go up there to tidy up all the crap toys, that the girls haven't played with for years and years.  As DD2 still plays with these toys on the rarest of occasions, she wants many of them moved into her room, which means that the big 4x4 Ikea bookcase will need to be moved into DD2's room. 
Additionally, as DD2's room has never been decorated since we moved in 5 years ago, we're taking the opportunity to redecorate - which has involved me spending 2 full days tidying her room too, in order to get the floor empty enough that we can redecorate.  Obviously, it will be easier to redecorate before moving a giant bookcase in there.
And because DD1's new room was the playroom, the carpet is what was in the room when we moved it, and not only was it bad then, it is covered with paint and other stains, so she needs new flooring before she can move in.
DD1's old room, is going to become MY room - yey!  It is going to have a comfy sofa bed that guests can use, but I can read on, and a desk and chair so tht I can work in there, rather than on the dining table as I am atm.  Given I'd quite like to keep tutoring online, it will be a nice quiet room free of distraction, and NOBODY ELSE will be allowed in. Ever! My own space, that I can use to get away from everyone - yes!
So I'm still busy.

Weekly Update Y2w4

I'm really happy with my weightloss this week!  It's not a lot - I've lost more in previous weeks - but it is consistent.  And I haven't been depriving myself, just trying to be more mindful about what I put into my mouth.

I have even eaten our this week (and chose a starter with a side, because I didn't need to have a main course), went out drinking with a friend (and chose to have spritzers, rather than just alcohol), had puddings at home and eaten chocolates (which I've shared with family). I think this mindfulness is probably the key to long term weightloss.

I have had 'bad days' in between too - on Saturday I was absolutely starving, to the point of feeling sick.  I had planned to go straight home after taking DD2 dancing and make myself a big bowl of porridge, but I couldn't manage it, and had to stop in Aldi to get some food (I needed to buy the girls lunch anyway).  I ate half my sandwich in the car, so I was able to drive home.  Then when home, I ate the other half and the popcorn I had bought for myself.  That's probably when I should have stopped, but I also ate 2 sausage rolls (200kcals each - who knew!?), half a packet of cookies and had a yoghurt.  One mistake (meal!) doesn't mean the day is a write-off, and I brought it back at dinner time, simply having some prawn party food.  I didn't need to eat anything more!

Because I'm feeling good about losing weight today, I decided to look ahead and see what will happen if I continue losing weight at the same rate.  My current rate is 'slow' but I'm hoping that means that when it does all come off, I will have created enough good habits that it won't all pile straight back on again.  The main thing I need to watch is that when my weight stabilises for a while, or even if it increases for a few weeks, I don't give up altogether.  This is slow, but so worthwhile.

I have guestimated my rate of weightloss (roughly 1 kilo every 10 days), but looking at the top graph I think that's a fair estimation.  If I continue at that rate, I won't hit my target weightloss until the very end of the year.  So, it's the long game I'm playing and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.  But, if I do reach it at the end of the year, I'll be in a good place to arrange my mastectomy and still get it done before I turn 40.

Happy Christmas and New Year!

I hope you've all had a good Christmas, and will have a fantastic New Year to come!

Image by Markéta Machová from Pixabay 

I know I haven't posted much recently (and aim to post my last weekly update of 2019 tomorrow - if I remember), so hope you've all had a good time.  I had a good Christmas day with my husband and girls, but was ill on Boxing Day, recovered the next day but because I hadn't done much I was literally awake all night.  It did mean I got to finish yet another book (ooh, did I mention, my husband got me a new kindle for Christmas!?), so I'm even further behind writing up my reviews.

I have today joined Goodreads, as I was prompted by my Kindle (I've since learned that Amazon now owns goodreads, so that'll be why), so that'll be yet another outlet for me to bore share my reviews with everyone.  As I had to write 20 reviews in order to get recommendations from goodreads, and I wanted them sooner rather than later, I have slightly skewed my results by adding all the book reviews from here all on to there dated today, but at least in the future the timing should be more realistic.  I can also see that you can set a target of the number of books to read in a year, and I don't know whether to be conservative (20) or challenge myself (50) or choose a more realistic number in the middle.  When I'm in a 'reading mood', I can read a book a day - especially if I'm on holiday.  However, I know that when I read my classic (I aim to read one a year), it often takes me much longer than I would guess, due to the old language or simply because it's more verbose than many contemporary books.

Then, there's new years resolutions to think about.  I've decided I'm not going to make any - not one.
I don't keep them - they just are another stick to beat myself with, so I'm not going to resolve to do anything different.  I want to lose weight, in order to have DIEP, but if it means I have to have implants instead, so be it.  I would like to lose weight, but would rather spend time with my children creatively, than worrying about keeping things tidy so I had space to exercise.  And we've not long gone past the shortest day of the year (in terms of daylight, not hours - that's in Spring) and I still feel good.  I have been talking with my therapist about stopping sessions, and I feel like that won't be detrimental to me.  I haven't yet conquered my emotional eating, but when it happens and I put on weight (you'll see tomorrow, just how much...) I don't berate myself and have huge guilt leading to another binge.  So, that's progress!  I also have bought another version of year-in-a-Bible and am looking forward to that again from the 1st.  I am hoping my younger daughter will permit me to read it to her, because I have decided to try The Message translation (ie one with much more contemporary language).

So that's my round up of the past week or so.  I now need to find out why my Snowball keeps separating? Yuck!  Next time, I'll just drink the Advocaat neat, I think! Cheers xx

Why don’t I like myself?

Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx

She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”

This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.

The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.

Weekly Update No27

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Someone shared this video on FB recently:

I've seen it before and I do find it inspirational.  It makes me want to do more Body Grooving as clearly dancing is good for weightloss - I just need to keep going start again with it.  

I know that the issues I have are in my head.  

I know I can lose weight as I've done it before.

I know my goal weight of 64kg is achievable because I've done it before.

I need to get to the root cause of what is stopping me.  

I need to find my motivation again, and cement it in my head.  Whilst I don't have cancer, the idea of it is abstract, whereas I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind.  I don't want cancer - I've seen what my mum has been through.  I do want preventative surgery.  And to have the reconstruction that I want, I need to have a healthy BMI.
I need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me, and live life on my terms, and dance if I want to dance.  When I took my girls to their dance lessons last week, I shared with some people about Body Groove, and we even did a dance in the hallway together.  It was fun! And that's despite some of the kids and the other parents laughing at us.  One parent who danced with me, even said that if I became a trainer and could offer classes whilst her child was dancing, she would come along - much like I did when a pt friend offered pt sessions at the dance studios a few years ago.

A few weeks/months ago I used the excuse that I didn't have any suitable clothing to wear, as it was too tight or too hot.  I have since bought loads of loose, groovy clothing that I am wearing as everyday wear, and could easily dance it, but I'm still not doing it.

And I need to rewatch all the 2B mindset videos.  I think part of my problem is that I get so familiar with stuff that I know the 'right' things to say, or think, but don't actually action them.  I'm clever enough to come up with the excuses as to why I don't need to stick to this or that this time, I'll do it next time; or I can justify why I really do want this cake/doughnut/alcohol, rather than holding out for my goals.

Weekly Update No17

I've lost 1.5kilos since last Monday (over 3lbs) which is good going.  I'm not getting overly hungry having just a smoothie during the day (not least because I'm being 'naughty' and having a whole bottle a day, rather than two thirds of one - it's only 500kCals in total, so I figure that's fine, the weightloss will just be slower), and am having a proper diner in the evening.

I've even eaten at a restaurant this week, carefully choosing to ensure I eat Veggies Most, and my weight is still slowly coming down.  Yey!

Other than that, I've been a bit quiet this week.  I got the results from my annual mammogram (until I have my mastectomy), and everything was clear.  I also had my ultrasound scan on my abdomen, because of the stomach pain I get. My gall bladder, pancreas, spleen, liver, kidneys and more were all checked, and all look healthy.  So no gall stones, and no pancreatitis. The next step is a camera down my throat to see what could be the problem.

I'm also not reading as fast as I normally would like.  A combination of factors, including the fact I'm trying to keep reading 50 Bible Chapters each week, which is taking up some of my time in the evenings.  I'm still ploughing through Lorna Doone, which I'm enjoying but need to be awake enough to read it (which usually means, after I've read 15-20 chapters of the Bible, I'm too tired to concentrate).  I've also discovered the Chapters App, which are slightly animated short stories, and are really easy to read, chick lit where you can choose your own path. Some of the stories are more graphic than others, so not suitable for young children, but any teens that read Young Adult fiction would be fine.  I've even read one of the stories for real (Dirty Little Secrets by Liliana Hart - well worth reading) so they are real novels (rather than made-up fluff, for the app) and I'm interested in reading some of the real books to see how they compare to the choices I've made.

I've also started doing another MosaiCraft - DD2 had one that she can't be bothered to finish, so I'm completing it for her.  It should be finished next week.

Connecting with my Pre-teen

When DD1 goes to school in September, she will be cycling by herself.  She has been cycling for years, but to give her some confidence, we have booked her on a Bikeability Cycling Proficiency course for a couple of half days this week.  She really enjoyed it yesterday, and is back again today.

In the evening she asked if she could paint my nails.  I'm not a hair/make-up/nail varnish person, so had no particular desire to have my nails painted, but I am glad I said yes.  I had a black base, with blue/purple glitter on all my nails, bar my ring finger which has green glitter on it.  She really enjoyed doing them, and we had a good chat.  DD1 is a very independent young lady, which is great, but sometimes means that she doesn't want to talk to me, so I really savoured the fun we had yesterday, and tbf she did a really good job of my nails.

The plaster on my hand is because I had my annual mammogram and MRI scan yesterday.  Those who have read my blog from the beginning will know that I have the BRCA1 gene mutation, which means I have a 85+% lifetime chance of getting breast cancer.  As such, until I have my mastectomy (which I'm hoping to have around the age of 40) I have to have a mammogram and an MRI scan on my breasts to check that there are no cancers growing that are undetectable by touch.  To enhance the image of the MRI, I need to be injected with a dye.  I now have a colourful bruise on the back of my hand, which I keep forgetting about until I knock my hand on something, and then the pain reminds me it's there!  I will find out the results through the post in a couple of weeks.

Why is Feminist a dirty word?

I read this article yesterday about why young women don’t call themselves feminists. This really annoyed me, because it’s just so stupid.

Feminism is defined by Google’s dictionary as “the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes”. Simply put, feminism just means women are not second class citizens, and in all honesty everybody should consider themselves feminists. We are now in the 21st Century, and women still have lesser pay than men, still are not promoted as often as men, still are expected to carry out the bulk of the chores at home and certainly carry the mental load for running a home.

Not only that, there are many circumstances where women cannot act as a man would, for fear of their own safety: running alone, especially at night; drinking alcohol or wearing a short skirt on a night out; even getting in a taxi is fraught with worry as women are expected to “take control” by taking a photo of the number plate and taxi license, for fear the driver is up to no good. [And yes, I do acknowledge that there are would-be attackers of men, too. I am not denying that. However, when a man is attacked, the first questions are not: Was he drinking? or What was he wearing? When a man is attacked the blame is firmly, and rightly, on the attacker. Women don’t have that privilege.]

Some of the reasons for not associating with feminists are because of stereotypes – the butch, man-hating, bra-burning lesbian. But even if that retort was thrown at you for calling yourself a feminist, so what? 

What does “butch” even mean? Again using Google’s dictionary (which I wish had a direct link, so I didn’t have to write it out in full each time), butch is defined as “having an appearance or other qualities of a type traditionally seen as masculine”. Now, I’m not usually one to blow my own trumpet, but when I was at uni, one of my friends created a masculinity quiz, and as a football loving, beer drinking, independent woman studying engineering, you’d be unsurprised to hear that I ranked higher on the masculinity scale than some of my male friends. Yet, I am not butch. I have chunky thighs, admittedly, but no strength in my arms at all, and I do like to wear a nice dress.

Man-hating is just silly. Lifting women up and empowering them so that they achieve the same levels and possibilities as a man, is not hating men in any shape or form. As a happily married woman, to a man, I can confirm that I have no desire to see the male sex downtrodden in any way. I just also happen to think women should not be downtrodden either.

As for bra-burning…? Well, any woman who says they don’t want to burn their bra, either has a medical condition, is so endowed that it causes back pain to not wear one, or is lying. Bras are uncomfortable. And yes, I have been measured properly. No, not by M&S. Talking with friends one day, a friend politely suggested that I was not the size I thought I was, and they were right. After being measured correctly, my cup size did miraculously increase by 4 sizes overnight. The new bra is undoubtedly much more comfortable than my old one, and I no longer suffer from ‘double boobs’; but at the end of the day, it is such a comfort to get home and remove my bra. In fact, not wearing a bra, is one of the reasons why when I do have my PBM, I do not want my nipples spared nor reconstructed. Summer days of Tshirts without a bra underneath – bliss!

Lastly, lesbianism. Really? Is that the best you can do? Whether it’s something you identify with or not, even if you are someone who considers it to be sinful, how can being a lesbian be any more of an insult than calling me out for being heterosexual? [Now, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be upset for being insulted because of their sexuality; and I am fully aware of the privilege I’ve had because I am heterosexual. What I’m trying to say, and clearly failing as I have written and deleted these past sentences multiple times, is that we need to move away from society thinking that is an ‘allowed’ insult.]

Things do seem to be changing, albeit slowly, thanks in part to social media and various hashtags like #IamAFeminist #ThisisWhatAFeministLooksLike and #EverydaySexism. Various celebrities, male and female, are being more prominent and calling themselves feminists. Slowly, men are starting to call each other out on their behaviour.  Things are improving, but there is still a definite need for feminism.

Feminism is not a dirty word.

I am a feminist and I hope you are one too.

What's the deal with BRCA and Cancer?

Everybody has the BRCA1 gene, and the BRCA2 gene.  The genes are tumour suppressors, whose job is to find tumour/cancer cells and kill them or stop them growing, while other cells kill them.
However, in some people, there is a mutation in that gene, so that they don't do their job properly.  For example, statistically, it takes 6 mutations in a cell for it to become cancerous.  Ideally, when mutations happen within the DNA, the cell self-destructs, or if it gets past that stage, other cells notice and kill them.  So the chance of 6 mutations, that have sneaked past all the checkpoints, to happen in a single cell is fairly low.  However, in people with the BRCA1/2 mutations, there are fewer checkpoints, resulting in certain cancers being more likely.

BRCA stands for BReast CAncer, as that was the first cancer linked with that gene, but it is linked to other cancers too: ovarian, prostate, pancreatic, peritoneal cancer, amongst others. 
To complicate things slightly: not all breast cancers (for example) are a result of the gene - many more are just random cancerous mutations.  But, if you have the gene, you are much more likely to get those specific cancers.
In the normal population, a woman has a 12% lifetime risk of getting breast cancer, and less than 2% lifetime chance of getting ovarian cancer.  In myself, as a BRCA1 mutant, I have (had) a 40% chance of getting ovarian cancer, and have a whopping 85% chance of getting breast cancer.  For comparison, the NHS/BMA (I can't remember who, offhand) considers a "high chance of cancer" to be greater than 1 in 3, or 33%.

I found out I carried the BRCA1 mutation, because I underwent a genetic test, specifically looking for the mutation.  Because the mutation is hereditary, to qualify for the test you need to have either a strong family history of cancer, or have a relative known to have the gene mutation.  In my case, my mum is BRCA1. She was tested because back in 2015, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, coupled with the fact that her cousin had died of Ovarian Cancer, previously.

Another Stat: Most women diagnosed with ovarian cancer are diagnosed at stages 3 or 4.  Of those diagnosed at stage 4, only 15% survive for 5 years from diagnosis.

Thank God, my mum's cancer responds well to chemo, as it is now over 3.5yrs from diagnosis.  Her cancer has been recategorised as Chronic Cancer, meaning the risk will never fully go away as it is in her blood and in her lymphatic system, but as long as she is willing to go through chemo, she should continue to survive.  Her latest round of chemo started last week.  This is her third recurrence (so 4th time of having cancer), and the chemo treatment is due to last until next Jan/Feb depending on whether they stop over Christmas.

My mum has suffered with IBS and digestion issues for years, and frequently had ovarian cysts that needed to be removed and fibroids.  Every time she went to the doctor, she would be told it was her IBS.  And I do believe she had IBS.  However, Ovarian Cancer also has the same symptoms as IBS.  When she was finally diagnosed, it was Stage 4 meaning it had already spread, and was in the lymph nodes in her neck.  After 4 rounds of chemo, the tumour and shrunk enough in her abdomen to be removed by surgery, and was still 20cm x 10cm n size!  They also performed a full hysterectomy at the same time.

So, my mum was given the option of the genetic test, and was shown to be positive for the mutation in her BRCA1 gene.  As it is hereditary, I had a 50:50 chance of having inherited it, and both myself and my sister have.  Similarly, my children both have a 50:50 chance of having inherited it from me, but as it is not a childhood cancer, they can't be tested until they choose, over the age of 18yo.  Incidentally, my mum inherited the mutation from her father.  BRCA1 also increases the risk of breast cancer in men, and increases their risk of prostate cancer.

So, for me, the choice was obvious: full hysterectomy ASAP.  I have had my children, I never wanted more than two.  Though not totally silent, Ovarian Cancer is dubbed the Silent Cancer because it's symptoms often get mistaken for something else, and there is no reliable test for ovarian cancer.  So, I had my hysterectomy in 2016, and am now on HRT for the next 15-20 years because I am in Surgical Menopause.  I have no periods, no mood swings (at least that I'm aware of), and no menopausal symptoms like hot flushes or night sweats.
Most people with a BRCA mutation, only have BSO (Bilateral Salipingo Oopherectomy - only ovaries and fallopian tubes), rather than full hysterectomy, but I also suffered from heavy and painful periods so had everything removed. (I've just realised that at some point in the past two years, I've forgotten the medical terms for heavy and painful periods.  It's myrrh...something or other, I think. I just can't remember! Found it: Menorrhagia and Dysmenorrhea. Phew!)

My sister, otoh, opted to have a double mastectomy first of all.  She had reconstruction with expanders, and then implants.  I am planning to have PBM too (Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy) but in ~4 years time.  The reason for the delay is because I Home Ed my girls, and don't want to take time out from that, and for them having to miss their regular activities.  Additionally, the reconstruction I want to have is a DIEP flap - this basically, means that at the same time as having my breasts removed, I will have fat pouches taken from my stomach (you know I have plenty there!) to reconstruct my breasts from my own tissue.  This greatly reduces the risk of the new breasts being rejects, and puts my slow-grown tummy fat to good use!  But, being a much larger operation than having implants, it has a much longer recovery time.  Hence, why I'm waiting until my children are old and confident enough to use buses etc by themselves, to get themselves to dancing and groups.  That said, if DD2 follows in DD1's footsteps and decides to go to secondary school, then maybe I can get it done a year earlier than planned?  And it's why I'm using the 2B Mindset to help me lose weight, as I need to get my BMI below 30 in order to qualify for DIEP.

One more thought before I stop: I am soooooo thankful for the NHS in the UK.  It seems to get a bad rep, but is absolutely brilliant.  They have saved my mum, and are continuing to save her and return her to health.  They have saved me from ovarian cancer (though technically the risk is not 0%, it's pretty close).  The op I had done, was free at the point of use.  I do have to pay for my prescription of HRT patches but that is a small price to pay.  In comparison, for the op I had (Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy with 1 night in hospital) would have cost me upwards of $25,000 in the US, so I may have considered not having this life saving treatment.

Total Accountability

I'm 'baring all' in the name of total accountability and my belief in 2B.

I'm not skinny. I'm not pretty. I'm a fat mum with very little time or desire to spend hours pounding the streets after dark or whiling away the hours in the gym.  However, the 2B Mindset makes sense, both from an intuitive approach and from a scientific perspective. 

https://www.beachbodyondemand.com/nutrition/2b-mindset advertises itself as:

"What You’ll Discover:

• How to eat the foods you love and feel satisfied after every meal—and still lose weight.
• Proven strategies to help conquer cravings and survive everyday food temptations.
• The right foods to eat—at the right times—to help maximize energy and weight loss.

The 2B Mindset™ takes a different approach to food than what fad diets have been telling us for years. In fact, it’s not a diet at all. It’s a mindset. And once you learn it, you’ll finally be in total control of food and your body, so you’ll forever know how to lose weight—happily—and keep it off.

Overcome emotional eating. End mindless snacking. And stop punishing yourself for indulging in the foods you love. It’s time to free yourself from deprivation diets. With the 2B Mindset, you can love your body and lose weight while still enjoying your favorite foods.

Here’s How to Get Started:

1. Sign up for the 2B Mindset, if you haven’t done so already.

2. Check out the Getting Started Guide, under the Resources tab.

3. Start watching the videos, beginning with Meet Ilana."

It's concepts are very simple, but that does not make it less true.  The basic principles are four concepts that form the 2 Bunnies: Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale and Track your food.

So, here I am.  Fat frumpy me, but sharing my journey of 2B, to encourage and inspire all of you.

My starting weight, as of this morning, is 96kg.

 My long-time goal is 60kg (I have achieved it before, thanks in part to hyperemesis gravidarum when pregnant) and I have a good reason for motivation: I need to get my BMI below 30 so that I can have a mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction in 3-4 years time; and I'd like to get down to my end goal as a means to prevent cancer.  Being BRCA1 I have a much higher likelihood of getting some cancers than the general population.

Intro to 2B Mindset

So 2B Mindset is a new way to think about food and weightloss, and promotes a healthier way to think about food. 

It's devised by Ilana Muhlstein Nutrition, who herself was overweight as a child, and uses her own experience, plus the fact she's a qualified nutritionist, to help other people tackle their own issues with food. The beauty of the 2B Mindset is that it is flexible, so can be adapted to any lifestyle or dietary needs, and you can still lose weight, even if you don't, or can't, exercise much.

I have lost weight in the past, and managed to keep it off for the magic 5 years (see my previous blog and click on the Weightloss Label), but ultimately life got in the way (I'm waaaaay heavier than the 64/68kg I was at the end of my previous blog), and now my kids are older and I'm running around them all day, it isn't as easy for me to follow a very strict diet.  Using the 2B Mindset I managed to only put on 1kg/2lbs when on an All-inclusive holiday for two weeks! That's pretty impressive for me, a woman who likes her food and her drink!  I'm training to become a 2B Mindset Mentor so that I can understand more about the science and theory behind why this approach works.

I'm using this blog to document my own journey with 2B, so you can see that it works for real people, with real lives, and real issues; and is not just a fad being promoted by skinny minnies who have barely an ounce of fat on them.  So here I am, all 95kilograms of me, trying to lose weight in a healthy way, by changing my lifestyle for the better, so that in 3-4years, I'll be slim enough to have DIEP flap mastectomy.