Weighty Worries

I've been trying to write this post for the past fortnight, and I keep starting and deleting.  I'm going round in circles in my mind and I don't know what to do.

I am not losing weight.  It's easy enough to see why - I'm not limiting my eating enough and/or not exercising enough.  And I don't want to.  There, I said it.  I've known for a while my mind isn't in the right place to lose weight.

I'm ok with how I look.  Whilst ideally I would like to lose some weight, actually, I'm ok with how I am. I do have moments, especially when I'm on zoom calls, where I notice my double chin is looking more like a triple or quadruple chin, and I would like to be thinner so I have more choice of clothing, but I don't care enough to change for those reasons.

I'm trying to lose weight in order to have DIEP reconstruction when I have my double mastectomy.  I haven't spoken to a GP or surgeon yet, because I've heard that in order to have DIEP your BMI has to be below a certain level. My BMI is currently 34.5 and I've heard it should be a maximum of 27, if not 25 (ie top end of Healthy weight). So, I've started to think about having implants instead.  I've got no issue with implants, but it's not what I wanted, and that thought makes me sad. Yet, surely if I cared enough, I would make the effort to lose weight? Surely I wouldn't be stuffing mince pies in my gob at every opportunity?

When I had my hysterectomy, I planned on having mastectomy by the time I'm 40.  I'm 38 now, which means (assuming it takes a year for the process [ignoring coronavirus]), I need to see my GP and request it in less than 6 months time. I lack the self belief, let alone will-power, that I am going to be able to lose weight in that time.

I feel like stopping actively trying to lose weight is quitting.  And that isn't good for my depression.
I feel like continuing with the charade of weekly updates makes me a fraud.  And that isn't good for my depression.

If I could have surgery today and any reconstruction I want, I would choose DIEP, even with the added risks of being overweight and the longer recovery time.  Implants is an option, and I could potentially swap implants for DIEP later in the future.  But I don't want implants.  And I don't like to fail.

Who knows? This could be my depression talking, because it's dark and wintery, I've missed my antidepressants a bit too often recently, and I want an excuse to not have to watch what I'm eating with Christmas coming up.  Or it could be that I'm finally facing up to the truth that I don't have the willpower, energy, or strength of character to lose weight effective.  I'm just too lazy.

Weekly Update Y2w43 & BodyGroove Workshop

 My weight has come down since last week - yey!  It hasn't been smooth sailing though, and my weight got even higher before it started to lower again.  And, where I'm alternating sleeping on the sofa, I keep forgetting to weigh myself, so that's why there are gaps in the graph.

I'm not giving up though.  

At the weekend, I did a 2-day Body Groove Workshop.  Back in June (I think), I was meant to be going to Birmingham for a face-to-face workshop with Misty Tripoli, but Coronavirus put paid to that. 
On each day over the weekend were 4 hours of Body Groove dancing, philosophy, meditation and life coaching, with women from all over the world. (Shout out to Bettina and Krista: I wish you both success and happiness in all you do.)

We were taught about the Seven Dimensions of Wellbeing: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Occupational and Environmental.  We were taught that in order to have joy in your life, you need to be authentically you in each of these areas, and we can work towards that in small steps to increase the joy in our lives. 

There was also a key quote that bears repeating:

"You need structures in place that are sufficient to your resistance to succeed."

This is a key thing for me.  You have seen in my attempts of losing weight the past couple of years that my resistance to succeed is strong! I am hoping that now I have a dog, I will be forced to take a daily walk, but this still hasn't happened so far - our puppy hates wearing a collar and a harness, and we've been advised by both the breeder and a dog trainer to go back a stage and generate positive associations with them first, before taking her out.  But, it's taking a long time.  She is now more than happy to sniff and eat treats off them (which she wasn't before), but still panics if we try and lay them on her (not even doing them up).  Unfortunately, there are times when I have to take her out of the house, so am forced to put them on her despite her distress. Back to the point, I haven't yet been going out for daily walks.  But, I have tried to minimise my resistance to going - I've bought myself new boots and a set of waterproofs (incl trousers) so I cannot use the rain as an excuse for not getting outside.

We also looked at ways to bring more playfulness into our lives, and what it is that we truly desire without attaching judgements to those thoughts.  We need to increase connections, both with other people, but also internally.  We need to analyse the judgements we make of ourselves and ask ourselves four key questions, based on The Work by Byron Katie (which I've not read yet, but have added to my wishlist):

1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true?
3. Who do I become because of that thought?
4. In that same moment, who would I be if I couldn't think those thoughts?

I found this challenging because a lot of my judgements about myself are about my need and desire to lose weight.  I am fat - that is absolutely true.  I do need to lose weight - if I want to have DIEP reconstruction after a mastectomy, but if I didn't think I needed to lose weight, I could have reconstruction using implants.  If I didn't align my self worth to losing weight, would I be happier?  What if I didn't keep thinking back to when I was 28 and managed to lose 5 stone (thinking "I did it once, I should be able to do it again"), rather simply accepted this is me now? [For context, I'm back at the same weight I was before I started losing it last time.  'They' say you can't keep the weight off for 5 years, but that's exactly what I did do, before it all piling back on.]  
This is an area that I still need to work on.

It has, also, reignited ideas about becoming a facilitator of Body Groove.  One of my fears is that nobody would want to take part because I'm overweight myself, but others assured me that that shouldn't be an issue, because although Body Groove enables a healthy lifestyle, the purpose isn't to lose weight (though it may be a side effect).  Other fears are around being the centre of attention, and being willing to allow others to see me getting my groove on.  I get embarrassed and self conscious easily, so am I willing to put myself out there and show other people there's nothing to fear?  What if nobody turned up and I was just in a room in a dance studio by myself - I'd find that really embarrassing too!  And of course there are the costs involved, and the added difficulty of covid meaning no more than 15 people at a time, socially distanced apart - can you even groove on the spot?  I don't know.  Much to think about, that's for sure.

Cancer Care Packs from Cancer Support UK

I mentioned a few weeks ago on my facebook page about my parents and the fact that, rather than making up a cancer care pack for my mum (as I had the first time she had chemo), I looked to buy one.  There are a few websites out there now that sell various packs, but they all seem a bit too much money for what they are, in all honesty. If I'm going to be spending £80+, I'd rather choose exactly what goes into it.

That was, until I came across Cancer Support UK - they give away cancer care packs for free! Amazing!
I decided to get one for my mum, and donate the full cost of it back to Cancer Support UK, but the fact that they are given away, so the cost isn't prohibitive for anyone undergoing cancer treatment is fantastic!

There are three different cancer care packs you can choose from: Cancer Pack, Chemo Pack, and Kids Pack.  I chose the Chemo Pack as that is my mum's current treatment plan.

It took a good 2 weeks to arrive (I didn't order it time to be there before her chemo started) but my mum was really happy with it, and very impressed with what it contained.  Everything has certainly been thought out with chemo in mind, and I know it will get a lot of use.

So if you know anyone who is having treatment for cancer, either share this with them or order from www.cancersupportuk.org on their behalf.

Weekly Update Y2w35

I missed last week's update - not just because it was a bad week for my weightloss.  I genuinely was really busy.  As I shared in my update on facebook we have been working hard to redecorate the girls' bedrooms, sort out all the toys that the no longer play with now they are getting older, and I'll eventually get my own study.  This has actually taken most of my time, so I haven't worked any more on either the MosaiCraft I am currently working on, or the other project I mentioned a while ago.  My hope, when I do get my study, is that I'll have a space where I can work and get the work done that I need to every day.
In the same update, I mentioned on FB, that my mum's cancer has returned, and my dad now has prostate cancer.  I did manage to visit them both in August, for which I am grateful.
And, in addition to all that, it was both DD2's 10th birthday and my husband's 38th this past week, so I've been out for food a bit more that normal.

I had set myself the challenge of getting below 90kilos by September.  Honestly, I have not done well, not least before of the aforementioned reasons.  Technically I haven't failed yet - it's not September until tomorrow, but realistically I doubt it will happen.  Hopefully a single week more will get me down to that weight.

I do have some positives though, despite my spike in weight: I am easily drinking a good amount of water at the moment, and I am exercising and going for walks.  I have even signed up to do the 2020 Race For Life (in case anyone wants to sponsor me and can spare a pound or two, please click HERE) as a way to encourage me to keep going out.  I even went out last week when it tipped down, and got absolutely soaked!  But I did it, and the shower felt even better than usual afterwards!

So, for this week I am going to keep up the water, keep up the exercise, and I am going to eat more vegetables.  Last night I ate cabbage steak topped with taco seasoning and cheese and it was delicious! Now schools are going back next week, I need to get back in the habit of eating properly and preparing meals in advance.
And, I am yet again, going to try and break through the 90kilo barrier.

Enjoying Life

I've been missing in action for a few days.  10 days ago we decided last minute to drive all the way to Scotland to see my mum and husband in her new house.  She moved last year, and it's too far and too expensive to go normally.  However, with lockdown easing somewhat, but still being unable to go on holiday, my husband took some time off work and we went for a mini break.

It was really good to see her.  Her house is lovely; it's in the middle of nowhere with a large garden and views of the countryside all around.  They are undergoing building work atm so her mother-in-law can move in, but even with that, the house was plenty big enough for my tribe to be housed for  few days.

On the way back down, we spend the night with my dad.  Again, it was great to see him as I hadn't seen him and his wife since before Christmas!  Living far away from family (and not being a fan of phones, beyond texting) it is good to be able to have time to catch up with family properly.

This past Thursday was my 15th Wedding Anniversary.  The girls went to the effort of making us a card each, and they brought us coffee and breakfast in bed.  For lunch, I had pre-bought an Afternoon Tea from Jasmine & Honey Bakery.  It was delicious! And you know how fussy my girls are with eating, and they enjoyed the children's version too.  I bought a cake/afternoon tea stand so we could dish it all out properly, and we drank champagne with lunch.  

Photos from Jasmine&Honey Bakery

Unfortunately, Thursday was also the day that both my parents spoke to their consultants.  To cut a long story short, as my dad often says, they both have cancer.  My mum was expecting it, as her body was feeling like it does when the cancer returns, and it is now due.  She has ovarian cancer in the lymph nodes in her pelvis.  My dad, otoh, was shocked.  He was expecting to be told he had prostate cancer, as his dad had it for many years.  However, unlike my grandad, my dad's cancer has been termed "significant".  He has to undergo more investigations before determining how it will be treated. My dad's consultant also refused to test him for the BRCA2 gene mutation, which I can understand somewhat, however, if my dad does have it, and I have inherited it (in addition the the BRCA1 gene I know about), I should not be on oestrogen HRT, especially not before I have a mastectomy.  So that's a little bit of disappointment, on top of a lot of shit.

In better news, yesterday, I finally got my hair redyed.  I went to Sharon Rewston again and she didn't disappoint.  We went with the same colour scheme as last time, but used some of the teal that was in my hair from being lightened, and it's now ribbonned from dark blue into other colours (purple, pink and teal) as you come down the strands.

Now we're all back home, I need to get back in the habit of eating well (yes I put on weight this past week), moving more, blogging more, and working more.  I am enjoying life for what it is, as nobody knows what the future holds.

Mental Health due to Coronavirus

So far, I have been fine.  Honestly.  I'm quite happy sat at home pottering about.  I do miss seeing people face to face, and giving friends a hug when it's needed, but we do our best using Zoom, Houseparty, Facebook, Skype, Messenger etc.

My family, otoh, suffer more with anxiety so I have been busy supporting them where I can. Everyone is more stressed, and my daughter who is excelling at school, is finding it difficult to learn online. I tell her to take breaks, but she is worried about getting in trouble (thankfully her teachers seem understanding).  DD1 wrote this poem instead of doing her school work the other day, and it has a depth of feeling that amazed me.  DD2 is worried about my husband and me dying.  And my husband is stressing about work and the fact we're trapped in the house.  Yes he can go shopping (he won't go out more than once a week), and yes he goes for a long run daily, but when he's stressed he likes to leave the house and go to the beach or visit someone or go to the cinema or any of the other stuff that we can't do right now.

I've been calm, making the most of the slowing down of daily life and the sunshine in the garden.  I've been reading more than usual, doing a new MosaiCraft, and I have even started doing Pilates on BodyGroove.  Life has been good to me - until this morning.

Due to having the BRCA1+ genetic mutation, I have an annual mammogram and MRI to check I don't have cancer.  This is usually in February, and when I didn't hear anything, I assumed it was because it had been deprioritised due to coronavirus.  Last week I had a call inviting me to screening today, and that I'd get a letter through the post.  Despite having received a letter from the NHS/Council saying that I need to shield myself for 12 weeks, this is important so I accepted the appointment.  My husband wasn't happy, but with everything I have read and seen about coronavirus, I would make sure I took adequate precautions and everything would be ok.  I bought some disposable gloves, have wetwipes to wipe down surfaces in the car, made a face-mask from a bandana and hairbands and have antibac gel.

Then this morning it hits me - I am going to the place they take everybody with coronavirus.  Doctors and nurses who have PPE have died at this hospital after contracting it, and I am willingly walking into this environment.  My rational brain knows that they wouldn't have called me to the appointment if it were dangerous, but that part of my brain went into hiding.  I was worried.  Thankfully a friend talked with me and helped put things into perspective and making me laugh (I don't know if you can see the skulls on the bandana, but it was suggested I carry a scythe too.  I don't have a scythe, but do have a garden hoe, and my husband's scholar's gown from Oxford that would complete the look!). Haha.

In the end, I went to the hospital.  I couldn't wear the mask, as though it didn't when I tried it at home, it kept steaming my glasses up.  I wore gloves going to the appointment (not during the MRI) and antibac-ed my hands every time I went through a door.  And when I returned to the car, I wiped my handbag down, and also the car steering wheel/radio/seatbelt/indicators/doorhandle etc when I returned home again.  Now I'm back home, I'm calm again.  I immediately changed my clothes and put them in the wash, washed my hands and face again.  It may be overkill, but I don't want to be responsible for bringing the virus to my family.

This has made me realise how brave loads of our workers are in this country.  I only had to go to hospital for an appointment that took less than 90min.  There are men and women who daily have to go to hospital to care for others, to treat others, to clean the wards where people have died or are dying, maintenance people who ensure all the equipment is running smoothly, people in the kitchens making sure staff and patients are fed, receptionists who are the first faces you see when you go to the hospital or to the department, and then the morticians who are encountering large numbers of people who are dying from the virus.  God bless you all.

I'm back home and am going to stay safe and stay here until the coronavirus has past.  I know at some point I will encounter the virus (it is inevitable) and I hope initially that I don't suffer badly, but also that it will be after the peak of this pandemic has passed.

When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté

A friend recommended this book to me, whose subtitle is "The Cost of Hidden Stress".  The book is
about the link between body and mind, and the fact that our emotions can make us ill, especially if we do not resolve any hidden stress in our lives.

The synopsis says:

Can a person literally die of loneliness? Is there a connection between the ability to express emotions and Alzheimer’s disease? Is there such a thing as a ‘cancer personality’?

Drawing on deep scientific research and Dr Gabor Maté’s acclaimed clinical work, When the Body Says No provides the answers to critical questions about the mind-body link – and the role that stress and our emotional makeup play in an array of common diseases.

When the Body Says No:

- Explores the role of the mind-body link in conditions and diseases such as arthritis, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome and multiple sclerosis. 
- Shares dozens of enlightening case studies and stories, including those of people such as Lou Gehrig (ALS), Betty Ford (breast cancer), Ronald Reagan (Alzheimer’s), Gilda Radner (ovarian cancer) and Lance Armstrong (testicular cancer)
- Reveals ‘The Seven A’s of Healing’: principles in healing and the prevention of illness from hidden stress

Now, I have to say that when people give me 'cures' for cancer - whether it be green juice, blueberries, cutting out sugar, or whatever - I am usually rightly skeptical.  So when I started reading this book, I was a bit worried that it would be of the same ilk, but I was pleasantly surprised!

This book is based in science, but links psychology to medicine via what it calls the PNI system - Psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology system. 
It is widely known that hormones can affect your physiology and how well your immune system works.  Your hormones, in turn, are affected by your emotions and what you are feeling, so it is not a big leap to hypothesise that your emotions can have a direct link to your physiological well-being, specifically if your body is rife with stress hormones such as cortisol over sustained periods due to repressed emotions.

Dr Maté says this link can lead to many illnesses and diseases from arthritis,CFS, to cancer, MND and Alzheimer's.  As much of this repression is caused by how we were brought up as children, Dr Maté is quick to mitigate the assumption of blame apportioned at our parents, though does show that this cross-generational dance of repression can manifest itself such that some diseases appear like they are hereditary, without the genetic link.

For me, I found this a really interesting book, and it wasn't too difficult to read.  It makes sense from both a scientific and a common-sense understanding, and has encouraged me that going to speak to a therapist is the right thing for me.

Weekly Update No27

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Someone shared this video on FB recently:

I've seen it before and I do find it inspirational.  It makes me want to do more Body Grooving as clearly dancing is good for weightloss - I just need to keep going start again with it.  

I know that the issues I have are in my head.  

I know I can lose weight as I've done it before.

I know my goal weight of 64kg is achievable because I've done it before.

I need to get to the root cause of what is stopping me.  

I need to find my motivation again, and cement it in my head.  Whilst I don't have cancer, the idea of it is abstract, whereas I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind.  I don't want cancer - I've seen what my mum has been through.  I do want preventative surgery.  And to have the reconstruction that I want, I need to have a healthy BMI.
I need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me, and live life on my terms, and dance if I want to dance.  When I took my girls to their dance lessons last week, I shared with some people about Body Groove, and we even did a dance in the hallway together.  It was fun! And that's despite some of the kids and the other parents laughing at us.  One parent who danced with me, even said that if I became a trainer and could offer classes whilst her child was dancing, she would come along - much like I did when a pt friend offered pt sessions at the dance studios a few years ago.

A few weeks/months ago I used the excuse that I didn't have any suitable clothing to wear, as it was too tight or too hot.  I have since bought loads of loose, groovy clothing that I am wearing as everyday wear, and could easily dance it, but I'm still not doing it.

And I need to rewatch all the 2B mindset videos.  I think part of my problem is that I get so familiar with stuff that I know the 'right' things to say, or think, but don't actually action them.  I'm clever enough to come up with the excuses as to why I don't need to stick to this or that this time, I'll do it next time; or I can justify why I really do want this cake/doughnut/alcohol, rather than holding out for my goals.

Weekly Update No17

I've lost 1.5kilos since last Monday (over 3lbs) which is good going.  I'm not getting overly hungry having just a smoothie during the day (not least because I'm being 'naughty' and having a whole bottle a day, rather than two thirds of one - it's only 500kCals in total, so I figure that's fine, the weightloss will just be slower), and am having a proper diner in the evening.

I've even eaten at a restaurant this week, carefully choosing to ensure I eat Veggies Most, and my weight is still slowly coming down.  Yey!

Other than that, I've been a bit quiet this week.  I got the results from my annual mammogram (until I have my mastectomy), and everything was clear.  I also had my ultrasound scan on my abdomen, because of the stomach pain I get. My gall bladder, pancreas, spleen, liver, kidneys and more were all checked, and all look healthy.  So no gall stones, and no pancreatitis. The next step is a camera down my throat to see what could be the problem.

I'm also not reading as fast as I normally would like.  A combination of factors, including the fact I'm trying to keep reading 50 Bible Chapters each week, which is taking up some of my time in the evenings.  I'm still ploughing through Lorna Doone, which I'm enjoying but need to be awake enough to read it (which usually means, after I've read 15-20 chapters of the Bible, I'm too tired to concentrate).  I've also discovered the Chapters App, which are slightly animated short stories, and are really easy to read, chick lit where you can choose your own path. Some of the stories are more graphic than others, so not suitable for young children, but any teens that read Young Adult fiction would be fine.  I've even read one of the stories for real (Dirty Little Secrets by Liliana Hart - well worth reading) so they are real novels (rather than made-up fluff, for the app) and I'm interested in reading some of the real books to see how they compare to the choices I've made.

I've also started doing another MosaiCraft - DD2 had one that she can't be bothered to finish, so I'm completing it for her.  It should be finished next week.

Bare Reality - 100 Vaginas

Laura Dodsworth is an artist whose work I have been following since she did her first book about women's breasts.  I first heard of her through British Naturism and since, then I have been following her Bare Reality Page on Facebook.

Laura has released three books, all showing the raw nature of our most intimate parts.  I don't own any of the books myself yet (they are on my wishlist!) but here is a summary:

Bare Reality: 100 Women, Their Breasts, Their Stories* 100 women bravely share un-airbrushed photographs of their breasts alongside honest, courageous, powerful and humorous stories about their breasts and their lives. Women from all walks of life took part, aged from 19 to 101, sized AAA to K, from Buddhist nun to burlesque dancer. Their perspectives and experiences are revealing and profoundly moving. Intimate, visually refreshing, maybe even surprising, Bare Reality will make you reconsider how you think and feel about your own body, and those of the women in your life.

Manhood: The Bare Reality* 100 men bare all in a collection of photographs and interviews about manhood and 'manhood'. These days we are all less bound by gender and traditional roles, but is there more confusion about what being a man means? From veteran to vicar, from porn addict to prostate cancer survivor, men from all walks of life share honest reflections about their bodies, sexuality, relationships, fatherhood, work and health in this pioneering and unique book. Just as Bare Reality: 100 women, their breasts, their stories presented the un-airbrushed truth about breasts for women, Manhood: The Bare Reality shows us the spectrum of 'normal', revealing men's penises and bodies in all their diversity and glory, dispelling body image anxiety and myths. Sensitive and compassionate, Manhood will surprise you and reassure you. It may even make you reconsider what you think you know about men, their bodies and masculinity.

Womanhood: The Bare Reality* 100 women bare all in an empowering collection of photographs and interviews about Womanhood.

Vagina, vulva, lady garden, pussy, beaver, c**t, fanny… whatever you call it most women have no idea what's 'down there'. Culturally and personally, no body part inspires love and hate, fear and lust, worship and desecration in the same way.  From smooth Barbie dolls to internet porn, girls and women grow up with a very narrow view of what they should look like, even though in reality there is an enormous range. Womanhood departs from the 'ideal vagina' and presents the gentle un-airbrushed truth, allowing us to understand and celebrate our diversity.  For the first time, 100 brave and beautiful women reveal their bodies and stories on their own terms, talking about how they feel about pleasure, sex, pain, trauma, birth, motherhood, menstruation, menopause, gender, sexuality and simply being a woman.

*As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.  Clicking the link will not cost you, the purchaser, any more than going direct.

Recently there was a programme on Channel 4 about the making of the Womanhood Book, called 100 Vaginas.  It is described by Ch4 as "Documentary artist Laura Dodsworth photographs women and hears their intimate, shocking, moving, powerful or funny stories about how their vaginas have shaped their lives".  It is currently available on All4 and I would recommend everybody watch it.  (It does have some scenes of a sexual nature, so not suitable for children, but would be a good talking point for teenagers, imo.)

Despite being a naturist, the vulva is the one part of the body I have not seen lots of. Unlike breasts and penises, the vulva is not on display, and usually only gets shown in the most intimate of settings.

The women who have taken part in the book, and the documentary, are not exhibitionists, but normal women.  There are some interesting and disturbing issues that are touched on in the program, and having recently been irked by the Channel4 Dispatches program, I was pleased at how sensitively the various topics were broached.  The women featured include young and old, black and white, fat and thin, transgender and gender neutral/non-binary. The topics discussed include periods, virginity, masturbation, rape, FGM, childbirth, infertility, miscarriage, gynae cancer, sex and menopause.  Included are various statistics, for example 1 in 8 women suffer infertility; or 10 women are raped in England every hour.  Though there is nothing too graphic, I can imagine that some of this may be triggering for some women.  You are not alone, and please get help from friends, family, charities or professionals if you need it.  

I think this is a good program for everyone to watch, male or female (or non-binary).
When I finally get a copy of the book, I trust Laura that it will be just as good.

Stomach Pain

Another sleepless night of stomach pain last night, means I'm feeling absolutely knackered.

I get stomach pain every few months, and it hurts!  The best way to describe it, is that it feels like I have been skewered right through my stomach to my back with a javelin that someone keeps turning and twisting.

I can't remember when it started, but I know that when I was fed up of it, I started a food diary, in the hope that I would see a pattern, be able to attribute it to a certain food, or type, and do without.  Unfortunately, the first date was back in Feb 2014 and now we're 5 years later, with no rhyme nor reason to it.  So, up til now, I haven't been to the GP about it, because I don't know what they'll say.  The pain only usually lasts for a max of 24 hours, and then I can go months without a recurrence (usually, though sometimes it does come back within a week).  Coincidentally, I booked a GP appt yesterday for something else, so will talk about it then, even though the appt is not for another FIVE WEEKS because, as you've read before, since a takeover, getting an appt at my surgery is crap.  I predict at the appt, I'll be asked if I'm currently in pain? No. The doc'll examine my stomach and find nothing wrong.  I'll show my food diary, and they'll be no pattern, and eventually it'll be my fault I'm in pain because I'm obese and don't always eat well.

When I'm in that much pain, I can't sleep, and curling into a ball helps a little, but not that much, even when taking paracetamol.  Last night, I decided, yet again, to see what NHS online says.

WARNING: Please do not try to self diagnose yourself at home.  Whilst Dr. Google knows a lot, he cannot replace going to a real GP.

That said, that's exactly what I did.

I did try to go to reputable websites, such as the NHS, rather than randomly searching the internet and getting horror stories, so it's not all bad.  I've come up with two reasonable diagnoses, one less common, and two much rarer, but possible because of my history, diagnoses.

Firstly, I went through the questionnaire on NHS online of current symptoms.  Their advice was to see a GP, asap so they can examine you when you still have the pain.  Not much help to me, when the first available appt isn't for 5 weeks.  I didn't make an "emergency appointment" this morning (ie to be on the phone on hold for a couple of hours, in the vain attempt of securing a same day appt, before being told there are none left and try again tomorrow) because both DD1 and DD2 have Modern and Tap exams today, at separate times of course, spread throughout the day, so I have no free time for an appt, even if I wanted one.  If the pain flairs up again tomorrow, I might try and get an appt, but both those scenarios (1. still being in pain, and 2. getting an appt) are unlikely.

So, my five self diagnoses are:

1. Stomach ulcer.
NHS says "The pain caused by a stomach ulcer can travel out from the middle of your tummy, yo to your neck, down to your belly button, or through to your back.  It can last a few minutes to a few hours, and often starts within a few hours of eating.  You may also wake up in pain during the night."
That pretty much sums up what I've been experiencing, though I've never had it last only a few minutes.  In order for it to be diagnosed, I might need to give a breath or blood test, or even have a gastroscopy in hospital - which doesn't sound fun. I've only recently (well, now I think about it, it was 7 years ago, but still feels recent) learned how to swallow tablets, so don't relish the thought of swallowing a camera.

2. Gallstones
NHS says "Gallstones can cause sudden, sever abdominal pain that usually lasts 1 to 5 hours, although sometimes it can just last a few minutes. The pain can be felt in the centre of your abdomen (tummy); just under the pribs on your right-hand side - it may spread from here to your side or shoulder blade. The pain is constant and isn't relieve by going to the toilet, passing wind or being sick.  It's sometimes triggered by eating fatty foods, but may occur at any time of day and may wake you up during the night.  Biliary colic doesn't happen often.  After and episode of pain, it may be several weeks or months before you have another episode."
Again, this seems to describe what I've been experiencing.  The main thing that thinks it may not be what I have, is that a friend suffered with this recently.  She is someone who has given birth 5 times, without anything stronger than gas'n'air, and said the pain was worse than child-birth.

3. Pancreatitis
NHS says "The most common symptom of chronic pancreatitis is repeated episodes of severe pain in your tummy (abdomen).  The pain usually develops in the middle or left side of your tummy and can move along your back. It's different to acute pancreatitis, where the inflammation is only short term.  Most people with chronic pancreatitis have had one or more attacks of acute pancreatitis": "This aching pain often gets steadily worse, and can travel along your back.  Eating or drinking make make you feel worse very quickly, especially if you eat fatty foods.  Leaning forward or curling into a ball may help to relieve the pain, but lying flat on your back often makes it worse. Acute pancreatitis caused by gallstones usually develops after eating a large meal."
Not only this, my paternal grandmother died from Acute Pancreatitis, and there is suggestion that a tendency for pancreatitis can be hereditary.

4. Pancreatic Cancer
NHS says: "Pancreatic Cancer is caused by the abnormal and uncontrolled growth of cells in the pancreas - a large gland that's part of the digestive system.  It's uncomon in people under 40 years of age.  In the early stages, a tumour in the pancreas doesn't usually cause any symptos, which can make it difficult to diagnose.  The first noticeable symptom of pancreatic cancer [is] often pain in the back or stomach area - which may come and go at first, and is often worse when lying down or after eating. In about 1 in 10 cases, pancreatic cancer is inherited.  Certain genes also increase your chances of getting pancreatitis, which in turn increases your risk of developing cancer of the pancreas."
Guess what having the BRCA mutation is good for?! According to the National Centre for Biotechnology Information, "Germline mutations in the tumour suppressor genes breast cancer antigen gene (BRCA)1 and BRCA2 have been proven to portend a drastically increased lifetime risk of breast and ovarian cancers in the individuals who carry them. A number of studies have shown that the third most common cancer associated with these mutations is pancreatic cancer."
Yey for me! 

5. Peritoneal Cancer
This is a much rarer type of cancer, so I can't find it in the info pages from the NHS site I was using previously.  It is a cancer of the peritoneum, and full details can be found on this Target Ovarian Cancer link: "Many women are told that primary peritoneal cancer is a type of ovarian cancer and is usually treated in the same way.  However, it does not  originate in the ovaries but in a different part of the body called the peritoneum." And yes, having the BRCA1 mutation does mean I'm at a higher risk of getting this type of cancer too.  Cancer Reasearch UK says: "Symptoms for primary peritoneal cancer can be very unclear and difficult to spot. Many of the symptoms are more likely to be caused by other medical conditions.

The symptoms of PPC include:

• a swollen tummy (abdomen)
• abdominal pain
• feeling bloated
• loss of appetite"

Now, because I have been running around all day (well, back and forth to the dance studios) because of the girls' exams, it has taken me a long time to finish writing this blog post.  My stomach finally feels nearly back to normal.  I managed to eat chicken, rice and salad at lunch time.  I bought the girls a cake to celebrate the end of their exams, but the smell of it makes me wary about the effect it will have on my stomach, so though I probably will have the thinnest of slices (I'm a sucker for butter icing), my appetite isn't quite there yet.

Ovarian Cancer Anniversary

As I've mentioned before, four years ago, my mum was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  This is a huge anniversary.  At time of diagnosis, the cancer was already at Stage 4. This means it had already spread beyond the tumour in her ovaries, and was in her lymph nodes in her neck.  At this stage, we were told there is only a 15% chance of surviving 5 years; as such, it's amazing my mum has now survived 4 years. Not least because she's at the end of more chemo treatment*, because it has returned multiple times. her cancer has been reclassified as Chronic Ovarian Cancer, meaning she will never be totally rid of it.  Thankfully, her cancer is very responsive to chemo, so that as long as she's willing to undergo treatment, I don't need to think of the alternative.

http://www.aboutcancer.com/

Now, what's interesting for me, is that I was just trying to find a graphic to go with this post, and eventually found this one from About Cancer.

However, when I looked for a UK source, the only images I could find show a much worse prognosis (~5%) which makes it much more amazing that my mum is still alive.

www.cancerresearchuk.org

Obviously, my mum's diagnosis, and the fact I have the BRCA1 mutation, means that cancer, specifically breast and ovarian, are close to my thoughts.  They symptoms of ovarian cancer can be quite subtle, so please make sure you are aware of them (and if you're male, make sure your friends and relatives are aware.  Incidentally, if you're a male BRCA carrier, you have an increased risk of breast cancer and prostate cancer, and can still pass the mutation to any children).  Any concerns, or in any what where your body doesn't appear or feel or react like it usually does, then go to your GP immediately.  It's not worth the risk.

Some more sites where you can get good information and support:
https://ovarian.org.uk/
https://www.targetovariancancer.org.uk/
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/
http://www.breastcancergenetics.co.uk/

*My mum informed me this morning, that her latest scan says she's currently cancer free!  She has one session of chemo left this week, to complete her course.  Long may it last!

I'm Back!

With a new laptop, so can finally connect to the world again - phew!

What's new with you? Seemingly not much has happened here, though I know I've missed writing, so it is probably more to do with my memory due to getting older, than anything else; as at some point in the past little while I have had something to say.

I had a mini-cancer scare.  Not a big one, and not anything I was actually worried about, but because I'm BRCA1+ I need to be extra vigilant.  The skin on one of my breasts has changed, so I had to make a GP appointment. The system at my local surgery has changed, so all calls now go through to a call centre that is centralised to many surgeries.  As a result, even though I phoned first thing in the morning and was on hold for 30min, when I got through there were no appointments left.  After a bit of a mix-up, I got a call from a GP and managed to get an appt the following day.  When I saw the GP he said it looked like dermatitis, which is what I suspected anyway, but better safe than sorry.


I'm actually 'on hold' at the moment to the same call centre.  I need to make asthma reviews for myself and the girls; but this new system is a nightmare.  I have opted for a call-back this time, but I've no idea how long that'll take and I daren't go to the loo in case that's when they choose to return my call.

I'm still going with my 2B Mindset training course.  I've had the virtual F2F session with Ilana, and am now finishing up going through the videos and the coursebook before I take the exam.  Fortunately, it seems that you can take the test as many times as you need, before you pass, as long as it's within 3 months; so that's a good sign.  But, I do want to complete it asap, so I don't have it hanging over my head over Christmas.  Speaking of which, I finally completed last year's tax return for HMRC yesterday.  Normally I like to do it in April, but I wasn't up to date, so kept putting it off and putting it off... Even though the deadline isn't until 31st January, I was still getting nervous that I wasn't doing it, so I'm glad I can feel relaxed now.

And this weekend starts yet another dance festival, so we'll be driving to Pershore and back, repeatedly, over the next week.  Both girls are dancing, and  it is good experience for them, even if it uses up all my time and money!

Hopefully, next time I write, I'll have something a bit better to say.

What's the deal with BRCA and Cancer?

Everybody has the BRCA1 gene, and the BRCA2 gene.  The genes are tumour suppressors, whose job is to find tumour/cancer cells and kill them or stop them growing, while other cells kill them.
However, in some people, there is a mutation in that gene, so that they don't do their job properly.  For example, statistically, it takes 6 mutations in a cell for it to become cancerous.  Ideally, when mutations happen within the DNA, the cell self-destructs, or if it gets past that stage, other cells notice and kill them.  So the chance of 6 mutations, that have sneaked past all the checkpoints, to happen in a single cell is fairly low.  However, in people with the BRCA1/2 mutations, there are fewer checkpoints, resulting in certain cancers being more likely.

BRCA stands for BReast CAncer, as that was the first cancer linked with that gene, but it is linked to other cancers too: ovarian, prostate, pancreatic, peritoneal cancer, amongst others. 
To complicate things slightly: not all breast cancers (for example) are a result of the gene - many more are just random cancerous mutations.  But, if you have the gene, you are much more likely to get those specific cancers.
In the normal population, a woman has a 12% lifetime risk of getting breast cancer, and less than 2% lifetime chance of getting ovarian cancer.  In myself, as a BRCA1 mutant, I have (had) a 40% chance of getting ovarian cancer, and have a whopping 85% chance of getting breast cancer.  For comparison, the NHS/BMA (I can't remember who, offhand) considers a "high chance of cancer" to be greater than 1 in 3, or 33%.

I found out I carried the BRCA1 mutation, because I underwent a genetic test, specifically looking for the mutation.  Because the mutation is hereditary, to qualify for the test you need to have either a strong family history of cancer, or have a relative known to have the gene mutation.  In my case, my mum is BRCA1. She was tested because back in 2015, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, coupled with the fact that her cousin had died of Ovarian Cancer, previously.

Another Stat: Most women diagnosed with ovarian cancer are diagnosed at stages 3 or 4.  Of those diagnosed at stage 4, only 15% survive for 5 years from diagnosis.

Thank God, my mum's cancer responds well to chemo, as it is now over 3.5yrs from diagnosis.  Her cancer has been recategorised as Chronic Cancer, meaning the risk will never fully go away as it is in her blood and in her lymphatic system, but as long as she is willing to go through chemo, she should continue to survive.  Her latest round of chemo started last week.  This is her third recurrence (so 4th time of having cancer), and the chemo treatment is due to last until next Jan/Feb depending on whether they stop over Christmas.

My mum has suffered with IBS and digestion issues for years, and frequently had ovarian cysts that needed to be removed and fibroids.  Every time she went to the doctor, she would be told it was her IBS.  And I do believe she had IBS.  However, Ovarian Cancer also has the same symptoms as IBS.  When she was finally diagnosed, it was Stage 4 meaning it had already spread, and was in the lymph nodes in her neck.  After 4 rounds of chemo, the tumour and shrunk enough in her abdomen to be removed by surgery, and was still 20cm x 10cm n size!  They also performed a full hysterectomy at the same time.

So, my mum was given the option of the genetic test, and was shown to be positive for the mutation in her BRCA1 gene.  As it is hereditary, I had a 50:50 chance of having inherited it, and both myself and my sister have.  Similarly, my children both have a 50:50 chance of having inherited it from me, but as it is not a childhood cancer, they can't be tested until they choose, over the age of 18yo.  Incidentally, my mum inherited the mutation from her father.  BRCA1 also increases the risk of breast cancer in men, and increases their risk of prostate cancer.

So, for me, the choice was obvious: full hysterectomy ASAP.  I have had my children, I never wanted more than two.  Though not totally silent, Ovarian Cancer is dubbed the Silent Cancer because it's symptoms often get mistaken for something else, and there is no reliable test for ovarian cancer.  So, I had my hysterectomy in 2016, and am now on HRT for the next 15-20 years because I am in Surgical Menopause.  I have no periods, no mood swings (at least that I'm aware of), and no menopausal symptoms like hot flushes or night sweats.
Most people with a BRCA mutation, only have BSO (Bilateral Salipingo Oopherectomy - only ovaries and fallopian tubes), rather than full hysterectomy, but I also suffered from heavy and painful periods so had everything removed. (I've just realised that at some point in the past two years, I've forgotten the medical terms for heavy and painful periods.  It's myrrh...something or other, I think. I just can't remember! Found it: Menorrhagia and Dysmenorrhea. Phew!)

My sister, otoh, opted to have a double mastectomy first of all.  She had reconstruction with expanders, and then implants.  I am planning to have PBM too (Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy) but in ~4 years time.  The reason for the delay is because I Home Ed my girls, and don't want to take time out from that, and for them having to miss their regular activities.  Additionally, the reconstruction I want to have is a DIEP flap - this basically, means that at the same time as having my breasts removed, I will have fat pouches taken from my stomach (you know I have plenty there!) to reconstruct my breasts from my own tissue.  This greatly reduces the risk of the new breasts being rejects, and puts my slow-grown tummy fat to good use!  But, being a much larger operation than having implants, it has a much longer recovery time.  Hence, why I'm waiting until my children are old and confident enough to use buses etc by themselves, to get themselves to dancing and groups.  That said, if DD2 follows in DD1's footsteps and decides to go to secondary school, then maybe I can get it done a year earlier than planned?  And it's why I'm using the 2B Mindset to help me lose weight, as I need to get my BMI below 30 in order to qualify for DIEP.

One more thought before I stop: I am soooooo thankful for the NHS in the UK.  It seems to get a bad rep, but is absolutely brilliant.  They have saved my mum, and are continuing to save her and return her to health.  They have saved me from ovarian cancer (though technically the risk is not 0%, it's pretty close).  The op I had done, was free at the point of use.  I do have to pay for my prescription of HRT patches but that is a small price to pay.  In comparison, for the op I had (Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy with 1 night in hospital) would have cost me upwards of $25,000 in the US, so I may have considered not having this life saving treatment.

Total Accountability

I'm 'baring all' in the name of total accountability and my belief in 2B.

I'm not skinny. I'm not pretty. I'm a fat mum with very little time or desire to spend hours pounding the streets after dark or whiling away the hours in the gym.  However, the 2B Mindset makes sense, both from an intuitive approach and from a scientific perspective. 

https://www.beachbodyondemand.com/nutrition/2b-mindset advertises itself as:

"What You’ll Discover:

• How to eat the foods you love and feel satisfied after every meal—and still lose weight.
• Proven strategies to help conquer cravings and survive everyday food temptations.
• The right foods to eat—at the right times—to help maximize energy and weight loss.

The 2B Mindset™ takes a different approach to food than what fad diets have been telling us for years. In fact, it’s not a diet at all. It’s a mindset. And once you learn it, you’ll finally be in total control of food and your body, so you’ll forever know how to lose weight—happily—and keep it off.

Overcome emotional eating. End mindless snacking. And stop punishing yourself for indulging in the foods you love. It’s time to free yourself from deprivation diets. With the 2B Mindset, you can love your body and lose weight while still enjoying your favorite foods.

Here’s How to Get Started:

1. Sign up for the 2B Mindset, if you haven’t done so already.

2. Check out the Getting Started Guide, under the Resources tab.

3. Start watching the videos, beginning with Meet Ilana."

It's concepts are very simple, but that does not make it less true.  The basic principles are four concepts that form the 2 Bunnies: Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale and Track your food.

So, here I am.  Fat frumpy me, but sharing my journey of 2B, to encourage and inspire all of you.

My starting weight, as of this morning, is 96kg.

 My long-time goal is 60kg (I have achieved it before, thanks in part to hyperemesis gravidarum when pregnant) and I have a good reason for motivation: I need to get my BMI below 30 so that I can have a mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction in 3-4 years time; and I'd like to get down to my end goal as a means to prevent cancer.  Being BRCA1 I have a much higher likelihood of getting some cancers than the general population.

A bit about Me

I'm going to start with a confession - I'm not middle-aged.  At least, I hope I'm not, as I'm only 36yo.  But, it sounded good being alliterative, between Musings and Mum.  I am a mum to two girls (DD1 and DD2) whom I home educate, and I muse often, having random thoughts, ideas, projects I start and don't complete, and general rants against the government, companies and individual, mainly within my own head.

I read **A LOT** (I currently have 6 books on the go!) and have recently started MosaiCraft, which I love. I tutor Maths, around HEing my girls and driving them to dance/gymnastics lessons - which between them they do 6 days a week. And I'm working towards becoming a 2B Mindset coach/mentor.

I have the BRCA1 gene mutation, so am planning to have a double mastectomy in a few years as I currently have an 85% chance of developing breast cancer. I've already had a total hysterectomy to reduce my chance of getting ovarian cancer (it was previously 40%). I occasionally dream of going back to uni to study Genomics and Oncology when the kids have left home, but that's a few years yet as my youngest has only just turned 8yo.

Oh, and I've recently self-diagnosed (after being prompted by an expert) as autistic, which explains a thing or two in my past.  I'm also a Christian, and a Naturist, so am a collection or random labels, and am trying to be real and honest in these posts.

As for why I've started this blog- DD1 wants to become a vlogger, after watching many hours of Stampylongnose, SB737, and UnspeakableGaming, amongst others.  So, I thought it would be interesting to see what it's like to have a blog that I'll link to a FB page and see whether people actually look at it or not. To make things more difficult for me, I'm not going to show a photo of my face (unless it ridiculously takes off and is calling out for me to make a profit from this page <unlikely>), nor share with friends or family as a starting point for likes/followers. Anyone who finds this page and likes it, have found it randomly. Otherwise, I'm just using it as a sounding board for myself.

Once upon a time I did have a different blog (A Laid Back Parent's Blog) and managed to keep it up for a year, before life took over.  Surprisingly I still have 4 followers from back then (Hello, if that's you!), though for this new adventure I've changed my username from Laid Back Parent to Middle-aged Mum, as it seemed more fitting.

So yeah, that's me in a few paragraphs. I' sure you'll find out more about me in time. If you are reading this, feel free to ask any questions you have - at worst I simply won't answer.