Depression and Me

I thought I’d write this post about my depression, because it’s something I don’t talk about very much in real life, and mental health is something really important, and we shouldn’t be afraid to speak about it.

Depression is defined in Google’s dictionary as “feelings of severe despondency and dejection” and by the NHS as “if you're depressed, you feel sad, hopeless and lose interest in things you used to enjoy”. Some people call it the black dog, under the black cloud, the invisible illness, or simply say they’re “not well”. Statistically more than 3% of adults are diagnosed/depressed each year, but it’s very important to remember that everybody is an individual, and just because something worked for you or a friend, or your second-cousin-twice-removed’s neighbour’s uncle’s dog, does not mean that it will work for the next person, especially if you are also advocating that they come off any prescribed medication.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about suicidal thoughts etc.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed. I don’t remember when it started, but I do know a catalogue of things that contributed to it, and I was depressed by the time I was 13. At one point, a couple of my close friends were also depressed and talked of suicide, so at school I would try and comfort and support them. I think I did an ok job? (none of them committed suicide), though one did self harm occasionally. Looking back, I never told a teacher or their parents about it. I didn’t want them to get in trouble. I was stupid and wrong.

At 15yo I was definitely suicidal. On the outside I have everything going for me, and I didn’t like to be the centre of attention, so I didn’t tell a soul. Literally nobody. I was a “good” girl, I was academically able, I had friends to chat to at school and would visit their homes. There was nothing “wrong”, so I kept all my feelings inside and lived inside my head a lot of the time. At one point, I was very low, and held a steak knife pointed into my stomach, under the table, over dinner. It was pointy! (understatement!) but I was aware enough to know that that wouldn’t be a pleasant way to go, especially as if I'd failed, I would probably have given myself an infection. I had actually planned out my suicide. I’m not going to describe it here. I will say, that it was the ‘best’ that I could come up with, that would achieve it’s goal according to my own parameters. Nobody needed me. Nobody liked me. Nobody loved me. I was an annoyance at school and to my family. Nobody would miss me. Why didn’t I go through with it? Because, knowing how my family worked, it would be my mum who found me and I didn’t think that was fair on her.

Throughout this time I was a Christian. I didn’t attend church (I wasn’t allowed to), but did go to (and run for a while) my school’s Christian Union. I read the Bible, and prayed daily. Often crying out for help. I do believe God heard me. I came through my suicidal thoughts, by the time I was 18. Looking back, I should have told someone. I should have gone to the GP and got antidepressants. I should not have tried to go through it alone (albeit with God by my side). I was lucky, and do feel blessed by God for that experience.

Depression has never totally gone away; it always bubbles under the surface. Most of the time at university, I forgot about it. Occasionally my mood would dip, especially if I was struggling with the work, but overall things were ok.

When I became pregnant with DD1 I had a horrendous time. Initially I was told I’d miscarried, but I hadn’t.  Then I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum - extreme “morning sickness” that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Because she was “small for dates” I was told she probably had a chromosome disorder, but they wouldn’t know until she was born because I chose not to have the full set of tests available. She was 2 weeks overdue when born via Emergency Caesarian Section, after a failed induction. From the EmCS I got an infection in my abdomen, and because of the pain meds I got an anal fissure. And she didn’t take to breastfeeding very well, despite having may breastfeeding counsellors trying to help, so I had bleeding and agonising nipples for the first 8 weeks of her life. Was it a surprise I had PND and PTSD?
Fortunately, my health visitor was a wonderful lady and picked up on the signs. I am very self-aware, and knew something wasn’t right, not least because of the effect my husband had on me: I had such a fear of getting pregnant, that if my husband came near me, even to the point of holding my hand, my head, my brain would SCREAM at me. A high pitch, not-quite-audible alarm, even though my rational brain knew my husband just wanted to show affection or comfort me, and I wanted him to. So, my HV arranged for me to see a counsellor – what a waste of time and space. I explained everything that happened in the pregnancy, birth, post-birth. I explained about my head screaming if my husband would dare to touch my shoulder, even though rationally I knew there was nothing to fear. She asked me whether I wanted to have sex with my husband – yes I wanted to, but physically/psychologically couldn’t. Then her advice to me what to buy a vibrator. Seriously! I never went back.

It took longer than I hoped, but by getting a copy of my maternity notes, and getting support from various online communities, I did get past it, and DD2 was born. I had a slight dip again, after she was born, but nowhere near as bad as after DD1’s birth.

Life went on, and my mood would go up and down. I discovered that internally, I’m a very angry person. I wouldn’t necessarily show it in public, but sometimes some of my thoughts or actions would scare myself. I put myself through an anger management course, and did learn some useful techniques. However a few years ago a load of shit happened at the same time: beloved grandparents died, my mum’s cancer diagnosis, my father-in-law’s mental health issues, my husband had job issues – it all felt like it was getting on top of me.

At first I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve been depressed before, and I wasn’t as bad as I was then. I wasn’t suicidal, though I occasionally had bad thoughts – that was my gauge: if I started thinking about how I’d planned suicide previously, even though I knew I didn’t want to go through with it, that was the time to start making time for myself, looking after my mental health and start to work through it.

Then, over 2 years ago now, I had a full hysterectomy and BSO. I was put into immediate surgical menopause, but thankfully was given HRT (oestrogen patches) straight after the operation. After a few months, I could feel myself getting more and more angry, and wondered whether it was a side effect of the menopause and my HRT needed increasing, so went to see my GP. She was lovely, asked a few questions, including whether I thought I was depressed and whether I was suicidal. I explained that I had in the past, but didn’t think I was depressed now; and that I wasn’t suicidal, but thoughts about suicide had started occurring more frequently, so I knew it was a sign that something had to be done. I was told that what I was feeling was not due to the menopause, but I was clearly depressed – I’d just lived with fairly low level depression for so long that it was normal for me, and she prescribed me with antidepressants.

It makes such a difference to me. I’ve been on the medication for 2 years now, and if I accidentally forget to take it, it makes a difference to my mood immediately. Admittedly, I tend not to notice at the time – I’ll think the girls are playing up more than usual, or DD1 is having a pre-teen mood swing – but when I realise I have missed a tablet, all the extra arguments, irritations and niggles makes sense.

My mood does still go up and down. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Normally it manifests itself in terms of my executive functioning ability. I can’t keep control of my house. My personal hygiene starts to decline. I feel like my children hate me. I want to hide from everything and everyone. Getting out of bed is difficult. I can’t sleep until the early hours, and then can’t wake in the morning. Everything is too much effort. I can’t cook, so my eating goes out of control, and then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. And I’m angry.

But it is somewhat predictable. I know it will pass, and it does. I try not to impact my children, and will still drive them about the place, even when I really don’t want to. And soon enough, it has passed, and I’m back to being stable again. I know I get affected by SAD, so as the nights and mornings are getting lighter, I feel in control again, and there is longer between the dips.

If you, or anyone you know suffers with depression, please encourage them. Include them and invite them, even if you know they may need to turn it down. Give them practical help, especially if they feel they can’t leave their home for a while. Love them. Encourage them to see their GP, because 1. medication is not evil and 2. there are other treatments such as counselling, or CBT etc. Listen to them. Be there, not necessarily saying or doing anything, just sitting. Remind them that they are not alone.

We care. We will help. We love you.

I wish I knew who created this to give them the credit.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):

Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 

Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Bloom: 50 Things by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young

The full title of this book is Bloom: 50 Things to Say, Think, and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids and anyone who knows DD1 knows this is a perfect description of her!  She is lovable and intelligent, but when her anxiety is high or she becomes frustrated, that is when we see the other side of her.

The description says:

Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Come to understand the developmental origins of behaviors and take a fresh look at how you can address them with skill-building techniques that produce real and lasting change.

Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, Bloom offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment.

The first book of its kind, Bloom provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Bloom allows you to take a collaborative stance with your children, improving their cognitive, emotional and social skills. Bloom offers a new approach to human relationships that will change the way you perceive, think and feel about parenting, love, work and life. Bloom changes everything. If it works wonders with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, imagine what it can do for your child.

BONUS: Each chapter has a QR code that links to bonus videos so you can hear directly from the authors about each topic.

The book is split into 11 chapters on a variety of subjects from Biting to Grief.  Within each chapter, there are also examples of What to Say,  What to Think, What to Do when you encounter each behaviour, with the aim that your own reaction doesn't exasperate the situation - something I admit I need help with as DD1 is a helluva lot teeny weeny little bit like me...

I thought this was a good book, and would be really useful for some children and parents.

The downside, for me, is that it concentrates on young children, up to age 10.  Now ideally, all this issues would be sorted by then, but DD1 is older and still gets anxious, angry and over-the-top.  Maybe because she is [undiagnosed] on the autistic spectrum, maybe because I'm a crap parent, maybe because we're too similar and I can't see the wood for the trees as I empathise with how she's feeling whilst also trying to gain the control that my parents had over me when I was that age.  Either way, I didn't find the book as useful as I had hoped, but I wish I had discovered it earlier.

If you have a young child who sounds like the description, I would recommend this book to you.

Bright and Quirky Summit 2019

A friend recommended the Bright and Quirky Summit 2019 to be because, in short, that phrase accurately describes DD1.  It is free to join, and consists of 7 days of 4-5 lectures per day (each one 30-60 minutes); and started yesterday at 3pm GMT (which I think is 7am PST or 10am EST for those in the US). Each day's worth of talks are available for 24hours; or you can pay to have an all access pass which gives you access to the talks for longer.

Day 1: Understand your Uniquely Wired Child
Day 2: Managing Emotional Intensity, Meltdowns and Behaviour
Day 3: Navigating School and Learning Challenges
Day 4: Managing Social Challenges and Building Community
Day 5: Increasing Focus, Motivation and Executive Function
Day 6: Calming Stress, Anxiety and Perfectionism
Day 7: Parenting Complex Bright and Quirky Kids

I haven't watched all the videos from Day 1 yet, but because there were technical difficulties yesterday, Day 1 is accessible for a further 24hours.  I am currently listening to Day 2's talk by Ross Greene, and already he has said something great, that I figure I should do an extra blog post today, so that other people can benefit from the conference.

Paraphrased, Ross Greene said "consequences don't solve the problem, they only modify the behaviour that is being caused by the problem". Wow, interesting!  Definitely something to mull over!

And Laura Markham said [after demonstrating a parent shouting back]: "you're escalating the upset, and your child is not learning self regulation".  Ooops - Guilty!

So, if you think your child can be described by Bright, or Quirky, or both(!) then I think it'll be worth your time listening to some of the talks this week.

Parable of the Talents

Today concluded our Church's series on Time.  At the start of each year, the church does a series on the 5 rocks of the church: Trinity-centred, Bible Based, Gospel Absorbed, Growth Focused, and Mission Minded; as I said, the overarching topic this year was about Time.  Every week, there has been this quote from Matt Fuller's Book Time for Everything: "You don't have time to do everything you want to do, but you do have time to do everything God wants you to do".

Admittedly, I haven't read the book myself (it is on my WishList!), so this is not a review of the book, and I may have even mis-remembered the exact wording of the quote, however, there is a great truth there - I don't have time to do everything I want to do.  Every minute of the day, I confront that truth.  It is amazing and refreshing to see that there is time to do everything God wants me to do.

The sermon today was on The Parable of the Talents from Matthew 25.  I have linked to the full quote, but the story is a familiar one: a Master gives his Servants talents to look after in his absence.

When he returns, the servants who have doubled their money are praised, and the servant who returns the initial money is chastised.

I have always found this difficult to comprehend - why is the servant who returns the money chastised?  He hadn't lost it, he kept it safe, what is wrong with that?  Sermons in the past have likened the money in the parable, to spiritual gifts or talents, that we should use for God.  You may remember my previous blog post about Spiritual Gifts, and I have been helping more within the church.  However, it has always seemed harsh to me, that if you don't have many gifts, then the little you do have will be taken away.

Well, Sunday's sermon separated the use of the word 'talent' (which incidentally is a measure of weight, approximately 35kg - in which case I am over 2 talents, lol) from our modern understand of talents, being skills or achievements.  It talked about how everything we have is from God, and we should use it all wisely for His glory.

When listening to the sermon it occurred to me, that my trouble with this was the use of the words Master and Servants.  A more relevant analogy (to me, anyway) is that of a business man and his employees:

A business man was very generous, giving his employees a good salary and bonus. He delegates managing his finances to his employees before he departs for a while according to their ability.  One has £5M, one has £2M and one has £1M.   When he returns, he asks his employees to come to account.  The one who was trusted with £5M, worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  Similarly the one who was trusted with £2M worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  The one who only had £1M, didn't work hard at all.  He used his time for himself, and though he was able to return the initial £1M, the business man chastised him for being lazy and wicked.

The sermon from Sunday didn't use the business man analogy, but did explain why the Master was angry with the third servant.  God gives each of us His Blessings and time within which to do good for His Kingdom.  Sometimes this may require us to take a risk, and sometimes that risk may not appear to pay off.  It is up to us, however, to work hard and use our time wisely and faithfully, rather than spending time on selfish pursuits.

Weekly Update No4

This week I aimed to lose 0.5kg.

I haven't managed it.  It was my own fault, not only because I'm the one who controls what I put into my mouth or how much I move, but also because I hadn't done the shopping this week.  Usually, I meal plan, then buy what is needed so that I can prepare healthy, satisfying meals.  This week, however, I couldn't be bothered.  The mental load was too much for me, and I simply didn't want the responsibility.
So, I didn't.

And neither did anyone else.  Cue a week of spending too much money because we had to buy convenience food for every meal, plus a week of very unhealthy food because a lot of it was fast food, or takeaways, or generally prepackaged food with too much salt or sugar.

So, yesterday I spent a couple of hours planning what we're going to eat - determining whether I have time cook in the evening, or if I need to use the slow cooker because I'm chauffeuring the girls around (and whether I have time in the morning to put it on in amongst our home ed commitments), or whether the girls need a packed tea because they're out or evening, or whether we need something that I can simply empty out of packaging and reheat, or whether I have time to prep food in advance, to make meal times easier.  And after all that, I then spent another hour ordering food online to be delivered this morning.

And this morning, the food will arrive. As there is no Science Club today, I will hopefully have time to prep the meals that I need to; prep salads so I can have healthy lunches or snacks.
With a kitchen full of healthy foods, I know I will do better.

Love Me, Sweetie by Laura Burton

Nearly 2 months ago Laura's Beautiful World asked me to review her first novel, Love Me, Crazy.
Now, she has finished the sequel - Love Me, Sweetie - and has asked me to write another review!

Love Me, Sweetie follows new characters, so although it is a sequel to the first book, it can be read as a standalone book.
Ada inherited a sweet shop following the death of her father.  As the months roll by, the sweet shop is losing money and Ada, nor her cousin Lucas are taking a wage; when in walks a stranger, Daniel, who offers to buy the shop and turn it into a Gluten Free Cafe.

The blurb says:

Ada is a 24 year old woman living in Swindon, who has bright-coloured hair and a daring fashion sense. Her world was pretty sweet until it all came crashing down one fateful day. Totally unprepared for what's to come, Ada inherits a struggling sweet shop that has been in her family for generations. Meanwhile, cross-fit loving, business man Daniel comes into the picture and has his eyes on Ada's shop, keen to buy it out and turn it into a gluten-free cafe. Can Ada resist Daniel's charm and save the shop? Or will Daniel end up with more than he bargained for? 

This is a much more typical love story, and I enjoyed it more than the first book.  I found it easy to relate to the characters, and get invested in their lives.  As in all good stories, it is not a straight road.  There are twists and turns, happiness and sadness, between the covers of this book, and the ending is well worth waiting for.
And you will have to wait, as the book is only available for pre-order at the moment (due mid-February 2019).  But when you do get a copy, prepare yourself with a good cuppa and a packet of tissues; put your feet up and delve right in.

The KonMari Method of Tidying

A few years ago, after being prompted by a friend, I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo.  There were parts of the book that really struck a chord with me (such as only keeping items that you feel good about - or "Spark Joy" as Marie Kondo terms it - and making sure everything has its own place) but other parts didn't feel right to me, so I skimmed past those as a bit weird or odd.

Now, here we are 3.5years since I read the book, and my friend is now the First KonMari Consultant in my county.  My house, however, hasn't changed that much, but I am much more discerning about what I bring into the house in the first place - it's a start!  DD1, otoh, loves to have a tidy bedroom but has a lot of stuff.  I often find her watching YouTube clips about various "life hacks" in order to tidy and organise her belongings.  She is naturally a bit of a hoarder - in the past she cried because DD2 was happy to recycle one of her own pictures, and ended up taking it out of the bin and kept it herself!  Given there is the new Netflix series, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, I thought this might be more accessible for my daughter than reading the book.

On a humorous note, when about to start watching a new episode we noticed the Netflix glitch was still there.  Not quite as funny as the machine gun one, but still made DD1 chuckle at the image.

I am please that DD1 is enjoying the series and it is inspiring her to sort through her belongings, and she is even considering donating some things (a HUGE thing!!).

For me, however, something was still niggling me, and I finally found out what it was: the practice of Shintoism as part of the tidying methodology, which conflicts with my Christianity.
For example, when entering a house, Marie Kondo will find a space, and then take a moment to introduce herself and greet the house, and thank it for being a shelter.  This is a bit weird to me, because the house is an inanimate object so didn't choose to be a shelter or not.  As a Christian, however, we should be thanking God for the provision of shelter and refuge.  So, it is possible to adapt some of the practices and meditate on the Word of God, instead.

Psalm 91:1,2

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Similarly, in order to identify whether an item sparks joy you are meant to hold every item individually, and if it doesn't you still need to thank the object.  Animism is antithetical to Christianity, which holds that there is One God.  He, alone, is to be worshipped and all other idols are to be put away.

 Deuteronomy 6:4 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 

Exodus 20:3

You shall have no other gods before me. 

That said, with awareness and spiritual discernment, it is possible to follow the KonMari method without practising any of the Shinto elements.  Indeed, Matthew 6 mentions giving to the poor (which is a great thing to do with the items you no longer want in your home, rather than binning them to landfill) and emphasising that Christians should not be storing up personal possessions unnecessarily.

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The KonMari method separates everything into 5 categories, which should be sorted through in order:

1. Clothes
2. Books
3. Papers
4. Miscellaneous
5. Sentimental Items

Anything that does not spark joy, you should discard - anything that doesn't fit, is broken, or just doesn't get used anymore.  Each category should be sorted in one go, so rather than doing 5 or 10 minutes here and there, get all your clothes, for example and sort through them, making sure each item that remains has a home before you move to the next category.

For me, though, the biggest thing I have gained from reading and watching Marie Kondo, is learning how to fold clothes and store objects.  The biggest difference, to how I used to do it, is storing as many things as possible vertically in drawers.  This means that, in one glance, you can see everything you own, rather than having to rummage through drawers, messing up what was once folded.

One last thing, there are a lot of memes around at the moment, regarding Marie Kondo saying that you should own less than 30 books.  As a self-confessed bibliophile, that's not a pleasant thought. What she actually said was: "I now keep my collection of books to about thirty volumes at any one time." Thirty books work for her - but she doesn't say that everybody should only have 30 books.  It's about what sparks joy for you.  I do have some books that I possibly could get rid of now; I have many more books that I want to keep until my girls have left home as I think they'll be useful for their home education; and I have a fair few hundreds books that I will keep, possibly forever.  If you do keep a lot of books, make sure they are stored correctly and cared for. Simple.

Dreams or Nightmares?

I often have weird dreams, and sometimes other people have referred to them as nightmares, but they're not.  Even if I wake up in a sweat, I think of them as dreams because I have them so often.  Nightmares, to me, are the more emotional dreams - where not only has something 'bad' happened, but it happens to someone close to me.  Maybe I've had a huge argument with my husband, or a parent has died, or I've had to take one of my children into hiding, and I'm worrying about the other?  These are nightmares.  Dreams, otoh, I generally wake up and shrug off.

The past few nights, I've not been sleeping well. My husband still has a bad back, and slept on the sofa-bed, because it is more firm than our mattress.  I thought this might give me the opportunity for undisturbed sleep, but no.  Firstly, DD1 came into my room at 2:30am crying because of growing pains.  I suffered with growing pains when I was young, so I fully sympathise.  Then I had 2 very vivid dreams.

For the first one, I have to explain a bit of background, and it may be wise to not be eating if you
have a sensitive stomach.  Not many creepy crawlies scare me.  I don't want them crawling on me, but I can rescue worms in the garden, move a spider outside etc.  Ants, however, I hate.  I know exactly when it started - when I was 11yo I started needing to wear glasses, but could get by (I thought) not needing to wear them all the time.  The world was a bit blurry and fuzzy, but I could live with that.  That summer, on a hot day, I went into my kitchen to cut myself some chocolate cake.  Things were fuzzy as usual, however it wasn't until I was really close that I realised the chocolate cake was not moving because of my bad eyes, but because it was absolutely smothered with ants. Yuck. (Even typing this now, I'm pulling a 'yuck' face!)  So, no. I don't like ants.

It's a couple of hours after I woke up, so I cannot remember the dreams exactly, but I can remember the bits that woke me up.

In the first dream, we were afflicted by a sort of plague - ants crawling all over us and our things. 

The room had a few beds in, and mine was by the window.  I had discovered that if you managed to brush all the ants off your leg, for example, you could apply a cream which would discourage them from returning for a while.  I managed to get to the point where I had no ants on me, or my bed - until someone who was covered with them, came and sat on my bed, and they returned on me.  So I had to start scraping the ants off my legs again, and simultaneously had to convince the others in the room to do the same.  It would only be when the whole room was free of ants, could be we sure that they wouldn't return.

In the second dream, there were two of us who were some kind of time travellers.  We had a mission
to do, and we'd return to the present either through some technological way, or by us both being asleep at the same time, when we'd be teleported to the spot from which we left to go to the past.  So, in my dream, I couldn't find the other person, so decided to come home to he present.  Hours later, I

woke up freezing cold, to discover I was no longer in bed, but had woken up from the teleportation point.  The other person had clearly just fallen asleep, and our automatic return had kicked in.  It turned out that he was being chased, as somebody had found out we were from the future, but that person was also from the future and wanted to stop our mission.  He had forced himself to stay awake and in hiding, to prevent that other person from following and finding out where we lived. We walked back home, and were staying in halls of residence or an old building.  As we got there, a mysterious man with a moustache started cleaning and vacuuming.  That seemed a bit odd, but since it was early morning, I informed him of the rules regarding noise, and unplugged the vacuum.  Moustache Man didn't seem too happy about it, but we left and continued walking to our rooms.  It was then, that my partner remember he had seem Moustache Man before - in the past.  So we tried to walk/run as fast as we could to our rooms, making sure we weren't being followed, and double locked the doors.  We heard Moustache Man approach the door, and he started fiddling with the lock, presumably to pick it from the outside.  We hid ourselves in the apartment as best we could, waiting.
And then I woke up.

Weekly update No3

I lost a kilo!  I said last week, I wanted to lose a kilogram, and I have. Phew!


It hasn't been easy. I haven't managed to up my vegetable intake as much as I wanted, and my weight went up significantly after a night of liquid carbs... ahem!  Not helped by my feeling ill the next day, and only being able to stomach bread, ahem ahem...


I also have not managed to fit in any Body Groove.  On the rare days when I know in advance that I have time (like this morning), something always seems to get in the way.  For example, this past week, my husband is really suffering with back pain.  He's maxed out the painkillers, but keeps waking up in pain.  This in turn wakes me up, causing me to then oversleep.  Which I did, and only woke up just before lunchtime.

I need to reset my body clock. The best way to do that, for me, is to go camping - going to bed in the dark and waking up at dawn is brilliant.  But it's winter, so I don't want to be outside in zero degree weather.  Instead, I'm inside in the warm, with artificial lights on most of the day and night.

Moving on to next week, I would like to lose at least 0.5kg.  Being realistic that I'm not eating or exercising well atm, but still giving myself an achievable goal.
Positive thinking means positive weightloss.

Slow Cooker Bread Recipe

One of the pages I follow on FB is the Bootstrap Cook, and recently she has posted her slow cooker bread recipe.  Again, this is something that I hadn't considered using my slow cooker for, so I thought I would give it a go, to go with the Chicken and Basil Stew I'm making for dinner tonight.

The recipe can be found in full on Jack Monroe's blog so I won't create it here, but it took less than 15min prep, before being in the slow cooker for 1.5hrs, and then a further 40min to cook the underside.  I didn't follow the recipe exactly - I used 360g of flour (because the packet was nearly finished so I chucked the rest in) which probably resulted in a bit more water being used, but I didn't measure it out properly.  I also didn't leave the bread to rest for 20min before putting in the slow cooker -I just put it straight in on top of some mixed seeds, and sprinkled more on the top of the bread too.  (Reading through the recipe, I couldn't work out which side of the bread is going to be the top or not.)  After the suggested time, the bread didn't sound quite hollow (I'm guessing because there was more flour) and it didn't rise as much as expected, so maybe next time I will leave it to rise before I start cooking it.

The bread was really tasty, but a bit dense, so for me and my slow cooker, there's definitely need to let it rise. Not bad for a first try.
I can imagine that if it was cut thinly, then toasted lightly with a smothering of butter - Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Vegan Chocolate Mousse/Hummus Recipe

I saw something on Facebook recently called Chocolate Hummus. I'd never heard of it before, but have made chocolate mousse recipes using chia seeds before.  Despite, not being able to find the recipe I saw again, I decided to have a go and make it up.

I used:

Tin of chickpeas, drained
2 tbsp cocoa powder
1 ripe avocado
3 tbsp maple syrup
1 tbsp sunflower oil

Then, I put them all in a blender and blitzed.
Simples.

Now, if I'm honest, I should have used my big, proper, powerful blender, rather than my hand-blender, as the texture was a bit weird - I'd prefer it to be smoother. 
The taste, however, was really nice. I think some added dates would make it taste a bit more like chocolate fudge, but overall was a good experiment. It made 4 portions, which are now sitting in my fridge, ready for when I next fancy something sweet.  I did lick out the bowl (as you do) and it is quite sweet, so could conceivably be split into 6 or 8 portions.

I used Explore Food Calculator to look at the nutrition of my recipe.  Per portion (a quarter of the mixture) it contains 10g of protein, 7g of sugar, and 9g of fibre. 
Not bad for a sweet treat that took less than 5min to make!

Ovarian Cancer Anniversary

As I've mentioned before, four years ago, my mum was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  This is a huge anniversary.  At time of diagnosis, the cancer was already at Stage 4. This means it had already spread beyond the tumour in her ovaries, and was in her lymph nodes in her neck.  At this stage, we were told there is only a 15% chance of surviving 5 years; as such, it's amazing my mum has now survived 4 years. Not least because she's at the end of more chemo treatment*, because it has returned multiple times. her cancer has been reclassified as Chronic Ovarian Cancer, meaning she will never be totally rid of it.  Thankfully, her cancer is very responsive to chemo, so that as long as she's willing to undergo treatment, I don't need to think of the alternative.

http://www.aboutcancer.com/

Now, what's interesting for me, is that I was just trying to find a graphic to go with this post, and eventually found this one from About Cancer.

However, when I looked for a UK source, the only images I could find show a much worse prognosis (~5%) which makes it much more amazing that my mum is still alive.

www.cancerresearchuk.org

Obviously, my mum's diagnosis, and the fact I have the BRCA1 mutation, means that cancer, specifically breast and ovarian, are close to my thoughts.  They symptoms of ovarian cancer can be quite subtle, so please make sure you are aware of them (and if you're male, make sure your friends and relatives are aware.  Incidentally, if you're a male BRCA carrier, you have an increased risk of breast cancer and prostate cancer, and can still pass the mutation to any children).  Any concerns, or in any what where your body doesn't appear or feel or react like it usually does, then go to your GP immediately.  It's not worth the risk.

Some more sites where you can get good information and support:
https://ovarian.org.uk/
https://www.targetovariancancer.org.uk/
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/
http://www.breastcancergenetics.co.uk/

*My mum informed me this morning, that her latest scan says she's currently cancer free!  She has one session of chemo left this week, to complete her course.  Long may it last!

MosaiCraft

Part of being a Dance Mum, is that you have to go around the country to various dance festivals.  Last year, we were at the North Somerset Dance Festival, and decided to make a holiday of it by staying in a caravan park.  On one of our free days, we visited Clevedon Craft Village, and that is where we came across MosaiCraft.  For a pound, they were allowing children to make up keyrings of their own designs, from small plastic pixels, so both girls had a go.  Whilst there, I was perusing all the different kits that were for sale, and came across Tranquil Lake.  I really liked the colours, and I thought finally, a craft that I can do! So I did.

It's surprisingly easy actually, as long as you can use a pair of tweezers.  Each kit consists of baseplates (this picture has 6 baseplates), sheets of paper with the pattern on, and the pixels.  Unlike cross-stitch, which can be complicated to follow the pattern, this is very easy.  The transparent baseplates sit on top of the pattern, and you fill each colour as if it's a colour-by-numbers.  Each section of the pattern only has four colours on it, and they are in numerical order (this is not colour order, so the designs can look very odd until they are finished), and once completed, you move on to the next section.

After I completed the sunset, which took around a month for me to do, I decided that my mum, who does cross-stitch herself, would really appreciate something like this.  

I contacted MosaiCraft about their Bespoke Service, and set off a photograph from my mum's wedding.  They came back to me with various options, and I chose the one I wanted.  It was 24 baseplates, and took me 3.5months to complete.  Considering I only did this whilst I was waiting for the girls' activities (either dancing or home ed), and there was a summer break in between, I don't think it took too long at all.  And, the benefit of this hobby was that I was able to appear sociable and keep up a conversation at the same time, as opposed to when I'm reading and I zone out a lot.

I am not a crafty person (in the craft sense - sometimes I can be conniving, especially when playing Monopoly...) but I can do this, I enjoy it, and I impressed myself with the results.  Here's the finished portrait and a close-up so you can see the individual pixels.

And I'm pleased to say, my mum absolutely loved it when I gave it to her and her husband for Christmas.  It is not the cheapest hobby in the world, but is so repetitive and enjoyable, that you don't need to concentrate too much, it's almost a form of meditation and you get something pretty at the end of it.

Weekly Update No2

This week, I am exactly the same weight as I was this point last week.  I'm counting that as a positive, considering I haven't done any Body Groove this week, nor have I eaten the best.

Back to being busy, means it is harder to get time at home to exercise.  Today, both my girls are ill, so I will be able to fit it in today, as I've had to cancel all their HE groups and my tutoring.  Neither girl is eating very much atm, they both have a bit of a fever, feeling sick and are very lethargic.  I should have known something was wrong on Saturday, when my elder daughter came home from her theatre class and fell asleep on the sofa!

I still am not back in the habit of using my slow cooker.  It doesn't help that since Christmas, I've had loads of food piled on top/next to it (like crackers for cheese, etc) that don't fit in our cupboards.  We don't have much cupboard space at the best of time, so when we have extra food around, everything just overflows everywhere.  I would like to get the kitchen redone, but I don't see the point if there's not going to be any more cupboard space, as the area to work in is so small. My husband mentioned yesterday about the possibility of having the whole downstairs redone, to have an open plan kitchen/livingroom area.  Apart from the money issue (ie we have none), I'm not against that idea, but it seems quite daunting, and I'd have to study lots of plans before we agreed to anything - and I'm not sure how many people would b willing to draw up plans in the detail I'd like to see for free, before we commit to anything.  It's not helped by a friend having renovation work, only for her builders to try and charge nearly double the agreed quote, and then walking out leaving it unfinished.


 Back to my weightloss plan, though.  This week, I would like to try and lose 1kg.  I am drinking plenty of water, but I do need to up my veg intake again, as it's too easy when tired, to reheat frozen beige food.  Looking over this blog, I found this post where I said I would do some stretches every day.  Well, that fell by the wayside... but if I can't
fit in 30min of body groove, then doing a few dynamic stretches in the morning will help tone my body a little - at the very least, it's better than doing nothing.

King Arthur and Her Knights books 4-6,7 by K M Shea

Yesterday, I wrote a post reviewing the first 3 books in this series, and ended saying I was about to buy the next set.  Well, I did, and the book after that!

Spoiler Alert:
Though there's no spoilers of these books in the review ahead, if you want absolutely no inkling about what happened in the first book (beyond what I wrote yesterday), don't read any further!

So the next 3 books in the series are called Embark, Enlighten and Endeavor. By the time I was reading this book, I was hooked and needed to find out what happened next.  Britt's biggest secret, her gender, is finally found out and spreads throughout her knights. She has to try and regain their trust and loyalty, whilst facing other enemies.

The blurb says:

Britt Arthurs has finally settled into her role as the substitute King Arthur. She’s even made peace with her growing feelings for her surprisingly young and handsome wizard advisor, Merlin. If only it could last. 

It took two years for Britt to be crowned King of Britain, raise Camelot, and establish the Round Table. It takes only a moment to bring everything crashing down on her. 

When Britt's biggest secret--her true gender--is revealed, she realizes that there is a price for her lies. For the knights of Camelot--whose loyalty she has won through blood, sweat, and tears--might never forgive her.

Perhaps even more devastating, at a time when Britt needs him most, Merlin becomes aware of her love and pushes her away in the most painful of ways. Merlin won’t let anything, including his own heart, stand in his way of a united Britain. Or so he tells himself.

Can Britt reclaim her knights’ loyalty and reconcile with the wizard who she loves as more than a counselor?

When I finished these three books, even though I had only bought them that day (yes, I'm a fast reader, but was still 370 pages) I had to buy the final book so that I knew how the story concluded.

By this time, Britt finally feels at home in Camelot and settled in this century. Endings is a fitting title at the end of this series as it tries to bring all the threads to a satisfying conclusion.  However, life is never easy for our hero, and she faces the might of Rome as the Emperor tried to conquer Britain.  Not only that, she had to watch as Merlin pretends to fall in love with Lady Vivien.

The descriptions says:

Peace never lasts. Britt has finally settled into her life as King Arthur. Her knights know her real identity, her lands are are free from war, and she has friends and a family she loves. 

But all of this is threatened when the Roman Emperor invades.

Merlin thought Rome was his greatest fear, but as he finally recognizes his own feelings for Britt he discovers a greater terror: Britt coming to harm. Merlin will do anything to protect her, even if it means distracting the evil magic user, Lady Vivien, by acting the part of her lovesick fool. 

Old enemies and allies make an appearance as Britt forges new alliances for the sake of the impending war and tests her knights as never before. In order to repel the Romans and assure Camelot's survival, Britt must achieve Merlin's greatest ambition and unite all of Britain. 

Will she succeed, or will she fall on the battlefield?

I like a book with a decent ending where everything gets neatly wrapped up.  However, there are still twists and turns.  In my mind I guessed how the story would wrap up, and I was wrong.  Some parts were on the right lines, but in a different way to what I was expecting.  I was happy with the ending, and pleased I read the series.