Difficult decisions

I've been very quiet this past week, because we have had a lot going on, and it has been quite stressful.

My husband's dad has various mental health issues which we had repeatedly been told was "only" anxiety and depression, but this past summer he was also diagnoses with vascular dementia.  he appeared to be fine until he retired 5ish years ago, and then rapidly went downhill.  He lives alone, but has at times had to be sectioned, and has had spells in hospital due to physical ailments (for example the time he fell down the stairs at night, only for his carers to find him, take him back upstairs and put him to bed rather than calling an ambulance - it turned out he has broken his neck and had bleeding on the brain!).  Unfortunately, he lives 2+ hours away, so though my husband tries to visit every weekend he can, it isn't easy for us.  My sister-in-law (SIL) lives closer to her dad, but still an hour away.  At least she can visit during the week, and she takes a greater hands-on role with regards to her dad's finances etc.

Recently, my father-in-law (FIL) has been getting better.  He has started taking care of his appearance and health by going for runs.  He cooks for himself, and has been going shopping both for food and

for presents for my girls.  Things had been looking up, though he does sometimes still get confused, so SIL still tells him to let her know if he spends anything.  He took this to mean, don't spend anything at all - so he cancelled his house insurance without telling anyone.

Last week, FIL fixed a leaking pipe in his house.  A couple of days later, his house flooded.  The pipe was leaking anyway, so it could have flooded without his fix, but either way, his house is uninhabitable and he has no insurance to cover it.

FIL told his social worker (SW) that he would live with us as we have a big house.  His social worker phoned my husband saying that we needed to take him, which my husband refused without being able to speak to me first.  (Sometimes, in day to day living I forget how blessed I am to have such a considerate husband.)  The SW then put FIL in a carehome that costs £600/wk!  SIL then starts pressurising us to take FIL into our home, and that she would in an instant be she only has a 1bed and FIL would have to sleep on the sofa.

Now, we do have a big home, but we also have 4 of us living here.  If FIL were to have turned up last week, he would be sleeping on the sofa in our house. 

In addition to this, whereas SIL works all day so her flat would be empty (FIL lives alone anyway, so it wouldn't make any difference to him), I home educate my girls, so we use all the rooms in the house during the day, and the girls have to be my priority, not caring for someone else.
If we did have him stay, we would have had to empty the junk work room, and put a camp-bed in there, so he would have been sleeping practically on the floor. 
I also tutor in my home during the day, so for those hours, he would have either had to stay in his box room, or go out on the streets of an area that he is not familiar with.
We would have to register him with our GP, but getting appointments etc is a nightmare at the moment, so that would not be good for him.
We briefly mentioned the possibility to the girls, but DD1 immediately had a meltdown.  Obviously she loves her grandad, but her anxiety shot sky-high at the thought of having someone else in her safe-space/home.

Both the SW and SIL think it wouldn't be a problem having FIL here.  He could get the two trains here by himself [without getting lost? really?]; he wouldn't interfere with our routine at all; he'd only be here a few days or maybe a week [really? I don't know the details of the damage to his home, but if it is uninhabitable, it could take months to dry out before any works can begin to fix the damage] and basically we're really selfish for not having him here straight away.  If he is that 'well', why has he been put in an expensive carehome, rather than a hotel for a few nights or even renting a 1bed nearby where he can check on the progress of his home?

My husband and I spent a lot of time, thinking through different options.  Having him here to stay isn't impossible, however I would have to have some ground rules.  My own anxiety/autism would require there to be a definite end-date.  I could cope having him here until the end of January, but no longer.  If he were here, how could we get him to leave if he didn't want to? He only eats plain/British foods; I'm happy to cook for him what I'm cooking, but given that I already cook 2 different meals if the kids don't eat what I like, I don't want to cook more.  He currently has carers coming in for him, how would that transfer here?  Would the SW be signing him off to us, to reduce her own caseload, and refuse to have him back afterwards?

I spent some time praying about it because, as a Christian, I do want to do what is best, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't think having him here is the best thing for him.  If his dementia gets worse, I don't have the skills to care for him.  Even if his dementia doesn't, if his anxiety/depression worsens, I would find it difficult to cope, let alone the kids!

My husband has gone to visit his dad again today.  I have emailed across a list of places to rent - there is currently a 1bed, partially furnished, house round the corner from FIL's house for only £300pm!  (An eighth of the cost of the carehome he's been put in.) It's a good price, and he would be able to go to his house when he needed anything, and would be around to check the drying out and work being done on his own home.  Even local B&Bs and Hotels are only roughly £55pn (less than £400pw), considerably less than £600pw carehome that presumably he doesn't need to be in, if he is as well as the SW and SIL claim!

Coming to this conclusion has been difficult, and I do feel bad about it - mostly for my husband who is the one getting pressurised.