The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang

A friend lent this book to me last year.  As it's a paperbook, I had it on pause for a long while.  I tend to read kindle books, as I find it more comfortable reading the kindle when lying down, than lying with a book.  Not only that, I can carry multiple electronic books around with me, without needing a ginormous rucksack!  I do read paper books when I'm in the car, however.  Assuming it's light enough to read, that is, I always have a paper book with me in case, God forbid, my kindle runs out of charge and I have nothing to read! A different friend lends me various (paper book) biographies to read, so I had to wait until I finished that book, before slipping this fiction inbetween Joe Lycett (read) and Jo Brand (to read).

I started reading this book in the car, whilst picking up my girls from school, and I was hooked from almost the first page.  As such, when I got home, rather than leaving it in the car as I normally would, I took it out and read it all evening until it was finished.  I couldn't put it down.

The blurb for The Kiss Quotient says:

"A heartwarming and refreshing debut novel that proves one thing: there's not enough data in the world to predict what will make your heart tick.

It's high time for Stella Lane to settle down and find a husband - or so her mother tells her. This is no easy task for a wealthy, successful woman like Stella, who also happens to have Asperger's. Analyzing data is easy; handling the awkwardness of one-on-one dates is hard. To overcome her lack of dating experience, Stella decides to hire a male escort to teach her how to be a good girlfriend.

Faced with mounting bills, Michael decides to use his good looks and charm to make extra cash on the side. He has a very firm no repeat customer policy, but he's tempted to bend that rule when Stella approaches him with an unconventional proposal.

The more time they spend together, the harder Michael falls for this disarming woman with a beautiful mind, and Stella discovers that love defies logic."

This book is simply amazing.  You can tell the author is autistic as the protagonist's portrayal is spot on.  I'm not one to get emotional at books (admittedly I don't often read "harrowing" books, unlike my sister who actively chooses them, but then can only read 1 chapter at a time as it's too emotionally intense), but this is the first book I have cried at.  I don't want to give too much away, but there is a scene in the middle of the book where Stella meets Michael's family for dinner, and it is painful reading because it is so close to home.

The book itself is really sweet.  It's not suitable for young teens, as it does describe sex in detail, but it is not tacky <cough>50 shades<cough> at all.  It fits in with the story and the trusting, but logical, nature of Stella.  It's a book about what sex should be (note, I'm not saying that it should be with a male escort, lol): consensual, sensual, erotic and enjoyed.

Highly recommend.

 

And another month goes by...

So, I'm still seeing my PT twice a week.  My weight was still going up, and I almost hit 100kilos, which I've never been before.  But, I am still decreasing my size, and have even dropped a bra size when I got measured recently.

As sexy as I look in a bra and a pair of shorts (not!), I am pleased that even *I* can see that my back-fat is going, and I now have a waist again.

Both my girls are now in school, as DD2 recently started year 7.  She does enjoy it, but is very tired.  Having gone from needing 10-12 hours sleep a night, to having to leave the house at 7.30am, return near 5, then rush straight to dance lessons and often doesn't get home aain until 9.30 or 10pm, is a bit of a shock for her.

As schools have gone back, I'm tutoring again now.  My days have changed this year, so I work Tuesday mornings, Wednesday mornings and Thursday afternoons.  I don't have much free time, though, as I'm still involved with Home Education locally, nationally and politically.  (Ok, I don't know if 'politically' makes any sense in that sentence, but the rhythm made me feel like it needed a third thing there.)

I am trying to read too, but that has slowed somewhat.  As I don't need to wait at dance in the evenings anymore, I don't have as much time to read.  Also, in the few gaps I've had during the day, I have had a bit of a TV binge, watching non-kids TV during the day! Very exciting.  I have recently watched Sex Eduction, Love on the Spectrum, Motherland, and I was getting into Making a Murderer, until my husband joined me one day, and now I'm 'not allowed' to watch it without him.  Yet, since then, we haven't watched it together at all, so if he's not careful I'm going to continue watching it and just not tell him, lol.

And yes, I am aware that I haven't caught up with the book reviews I said I would write a month ago.  Despite everything I've written here (and this feels like a lot to me), I've even more things going on.

DD1 has been having mini absence seizures/blackouts for a while, though she didn't tell me that they had become frequent until last October.  I told her to keep a diary in case it was related to what she had been eating or time of the month or anything like that, and we made an appointment to see the GP.  Fast forward to February, and we were referred to hospital to see a neurologist and to have an EEG.  As part of this, they gave DD1 a general health check and discovered she had a heart murmur.  Not a big surprise or concern as my husband had one when he was little, but they referred us for an ECG.  And another.  And an echo.  And a heart consultant who told use they would be bringing in the big-guns from a nearby city to look at her heart, because she has a hole in her heart.  As you can imagine, this was a bit of a shock, given she was 13yo at the time, fit as a fiddle, loads of dance, and zero symptoms (breathlessness, fatigue, palpatations or enlargement of the heart).

Anyway, we saw the big-gun heart consultant, who did another ECG and echo (which incidentally, is really interesting, as the computor automatically colours the blood blue and red depending on whether the blood has been oxygenised or not).  She confirmed that the hole in the heart is nothing to do with the mini blackouts DD1 had been having, and because the EEG was clear, they (the hospital) are not following that up at the moment.  However, DD1 does not have a hole in her heart - she has two plus a leaky valve! (It's a partial AVSD for anyone who wants to google it.) Due to where the holes are located, they cannot go up the leg/groin to close it, but she will need open heart surgery.  But, it isn't urgent, because she has no other symptoms, so don't worry about it too much.  It's a fairly straightforward procedure, etc etc, and just has to be done before she becomes an adult, as if left unfixed, it could cause massive problems when she's in her 20s and 30s.

Then over the summer we had a virtual consulatation with a surgeon, who said they expected surgery to be in October!  DD1 would have to be in hospital for at least a week, at least a month off school, at least 3 months off dancing.  All of a sudden this became very real!  Due to dance festivals finally starting up again (and the enxt one being in October) we have asked for the surgery to be postponed until the summer term, but we will follow the guidance of the consultant.  Meanwhile, DD1 has had even more hospital appointments, and had to wear a 24hr heart monitor, and been asked to participate in research before/after surgery, so my suspician is that it will be sooner, rather than later.

Oh, and we have got a second dog, Luna.

Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

And she's off!

DD1 is no longer home educated and has sailed off to school for the very first time! Of course I had to take the obligatory Front Door Photo.

It was only just over a year ago when she said she wanted to go to school for the first time.  A quick catch-up of my thoughts:
All Change
DD1's going to school!
A small confidence boost
A bigger confidence boost
And, if you're interested, when she went to school to do the WRAT5 test (as she doesn't have SATs results), she was average for everything - not bad for years of unschooling!

I am much more nervous about her starting school than she is, I barely slept last night.

I have no worries about her making friends or anything like that.  Despite being on the spectrum, she is actually very sociable. I'm more concerned about the little things, the unexpected things, the small embarrassments that means she's in a situation and doesn't know what to do.  The very first of which involve having to cycle to the back entrance of the school, as students are not allowed to cycle through the front due to the number of cars.  After locking up her bike, she then has to walk to the front to be greeted by a teacher.  At her school she has compulsory reading each day, yet I worry she won't find a book she likes.  Her handwriting isn't great, so what if her teacher can't read it, or other students take the mick? Fortunately she's not on her period any more, so has a few weeks to be able to get used to school without that additional worry.

I pray that when she comes home tonight (when I'm not here, as I'll be taking DD2 to her dance lessons), she'll be full of beans and I will have been worrying for nothing.  Fingers crossed.
Any additional prayers welcomed xx

A Bigger Confidence Boost

Following on from my previous post, DD1 finished the third of the maths SATS papers this morning.

She had been putting this off because she doesn't like arithmetic. She had done the two reasoning papers with no problems (though had omitted any of the arithmetic questions), and I wasn't surprised to see that she's above average for those two.  In fact, if she had been bothered to do the arithmetic questions, I think she could have got near full marks.  As it was, she did well enough over the 2 reasoning papers, that she only required 8 marks on the arithmetic paper in order to get 100/expected once the scores had been converted.

So this morning, whilst I was tutoring somebody downstairs, DD1 was upstairs doing the arithmetic paper.  When I had finished, I called her down to see how she did.  She was upset, because some of the things she knew how to do, she couldn't remember.  I tried to explain that happens to everybody, and it's ok.  DD1 is a perfectionist (which may be part of being on the spectrum?) and is comfortable with not knowing something, but if she has been taught something once, she feels like she should never make a mistake about that again.

Together we marked her paper.  From the first questions, she got 8 marks without a problem!  She did start to make some mistakes, or missed out some questions, but managed to get 26 marks over the whole paper, which converted to a score of 104 ie above the expected level for the end of Year 6! 

I also explained that things are taught in school much slower, where a topic is introduced, then there are examples that the teacher does, then you do questions, and more questions for homework, and when the topic comes around again later in the year or the next school year, there is a recap of what was learned previously.  I have no issues with DD1's ability to learn when things get repeated so often - if anything, my concern is that's she may act up if she's bored because she has remembered it the first time!

The only SATs paper left to do is the Reading/Comprehension one.  Given she was a fluent reader at the age of 3 (that's why we HEd in the first place), I'm not worried about this paper.  In fact, I don't really mind whether she does it or not - except for my own quirks that I want it done for completeness.

Weekly Update No8

This week, as we’ve been travelling back and forth to the dance festival, having to stop in the same crap services every time (it only had a McDs, a Costa, and a WH Smith that didn’t sell anything healthy), it’s no surprise my weight has gone up this week. Even when I tried to stop at a different services, either the girls needed the toilet, or there was a crash up ahead with an hour delay, and the girls were hungry already. And whilst I do have McD’s salad every now and again, there’s only so many times you can have limp lettuce with one slice of cucumber and too many cherry tomatoes!

I am not going to let it get me down, however. I did a healthy shop last night to arrive this afternoon, with plenty of fruit and vegetables. I have even told my girls that I will no longer make multiple meals in the evening: they can eat what I’m cooking or can make themselves a sandwich to have with fruit and yoghurt. Whether it’s because of autism, SPD or just general fussiness, my girls went from being toddlers that ate everything, to children who eat beige. 

 There are a few exceptions, DD1 loves a Sunday roast with all the veg, and DD2 loves her tropical fruit. However, because I cba or don’t have time to cook a roast every night of the week, and tropical fruit is one the expensive side, especially as it doesn’t always get eaten. But, with DD1 potentially going to school next year (it turns out we find out this Friday!!!) I want her to get used to being faced with new foods (for her); even if she doesn’t eat it, she needs to be desensitised to being presented to foods she doesn’t like. So this week’s dinners include spaghetti bolognese, fajitas, and lasagne. Yum! 

Bloom: 50 Things by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young

The full title of this book is Bloom: 50 Things to Say, Think, and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids and anyone who knows DD1 knows this is a perfect description of her!  She is lovable and intelligent, but when her anxiety is high or she becomes frustrated, that is when we see the other side of her.

The description says:

Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Come to understand the developmental origins of behaviors and take a fresh look at how you can address them with skill-building techniques that produce real and lasting change.

Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, Bloom offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment.

The first book of its kind, Bloom provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Bloom allows you to take a collaborative stance with your children, improving their cognitive, emotional and social skills. Bloom offers a new approach to human relationships that will change the way you perceive, think and feel about parenting, love, work and life. Bloom changes everything. If it works wonders with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, imagine what it can do for your child.

BONUS: Each chapter has a QR code that links to bonus videos so you can hear directly from the authors about each topic.

The book is split into 11 chapters on a variety of subjects from Biting to Grief.  Within each chapter, there are also examples of What to Say,  What to Think, What to Do when you encounter each behaviour, with the aim that your own reaction doesn't exasperate the situation - something I admit I need help with as DD1 is a helluva lot teeny weeny little bit like me...

I thought this was a good book, and would be really useful for some children and parents.

The downside, for me, is that it concentrates on young children, up to age 10.  Now ideally, all this issues would be sorted by then, but DD1 is older and still gets anxious, angry and over-the-top.  Maybe because she is [undiagnosed] on the autistic spectrum, maybe because I'm a crap parent, maybe because we're too similar and I can't see the wood for the trees as I empathise with how she's feeling whilst also trying to gain the control that my parents had over me when I was that age.  Either way, I didn't find the book as useful as I had hoped, but I wish I had discovered it earlier.

If you have a young child who sounds like the description, I would recommend this book to you.

Bright and Quirky Summit 2019

A friend recommended the Bright and Quirky Summit 2019 to be because, in short, that phrase accurately describes DD1.  It is free to join, and consists of 7 days of 4-5 lectures per day (each one 30-60 minutes); and started yesterday at 3pm GMT (which I think is 7am PST or 10am EST for those in the US). Each day's worth of talks are available for 24hours; or you can pay to have an all access pass which gives you access to the talks for longer.

Day 1: Understand your Uniquely Wired Child
Day 2: Managing Emotional Intensity, Meltdowns and Behaviour
Day 3: Navigating School and Learning Challenges
Day 4: Managing Social Challenges and Building Community
Day 5: Increasing Focus, Motivation and Executive Function
Day 6: Calming Stress, Anxiety and Perfectionism
Day 7: Parenting Complex Bright and Quirky Kids

I haven't watched all the videos from Day 1 yet, but because there were technical difficulties yesterday, Day 1 is accessible for a further 24hours.  I am currently listening to Day 2's talk by Ross Greene, and already he has said something great, that I figure I should do an extra blog post today, so that other people can benefit from the conference.

Paraphrased, Ross Greene said "consequences don't solve the problem, they only modify the behaviour that is being caused by the problem". Wow, interesting!  Definitely something to mull over!

And Laura Markham said [after demonstrating a parent shouting back]: "you're escalating the upset, and your child is not learning self regulation".  Ooops - Guilty!

So, if you think your child can be described by Bright, or Quirky, or both(!) then I think it'll be worth your time listening to some of the talks this week.

Musings about Autistic Women

While the girls were at their Home Ed science class this morning, us mums were waiting and chatting, as usual. 

A couple of us were discussing being autistic adults, and autistic women, and how challenging it can be, especially to get a diagnosis.  As I think I've mentioned before, I'm self-diagnosed, and I'm happy with that identity and don't feel like I need to pursue a medical diagnosis for myself.  Another mum was saying that she is in the process of being diagnosed - her GP has referred her - and thinks having that officially acknowledged will be of benefit to her.  Another mum joined the discussion and said she has had the same experience, and has only recently come to feel comfortable in herself.  She has learned, particularly through drama, how to act normal, but were she in her home environment she would be a bit more flamboyant and excitable.  Out of the group of seven mums this morning, four of us definitely consider ourselves somewhere on the autistic spectrum, with another having never thought about it before, but was relating to what we were saying.

Then the discussion moved on to whether autism was statistically higher in the HE community?  Anecdotally, we all agreed it was.  Perhaps it is because our children may have suffered at school, or perhaps we knew they weren't going to fit before even sending them, and from exploring our children we notice the autism in ourselves? Or maybe, because we have fought our whole lives to be ourselves, it isn't that much more of a push to free our thinking beyond a schooled education to something that suits the individual?

Difficult decisions

I've been very quiet this past week, because we have had a lot going on, and it has been quite stressful.

My husband's dad has various mental health issues which we had repeatedly been told was "only" anxiety and depression, but this past summer he was also diagnoses with vascular dementia.  he appeared to be fine until he retired 5ish years ago, and then rapidly went downhill.  He lives alone, but has at times had to be sectioned, and has had spells in hospital due to physical ailments (for example the time he fell down the stairs at night, only for his carers to find him, take him back upstairs and put him to bed rather than calling an ambulance - it turned out he has broken his neck and had bleeding on the brain!).  Unfortunately, he lives 2+ hours away, so though my husband tries to visit every weekend he can, it isn't easy for us.  My sister-in-law (SIL) lives closer to her dad, but still an hour away.  At least she can visit during the week, and she takes a greater hands-on role with regards to her dad's finances etc.

Recently, my father-in-law (FIL) has been getting better.  He has started taking care of his appearance and health by going for runs.  He cooks for himself, and has been going shopping both for food and

for presents for my girls.  Things had been looking up, though he does sometimes still get confused, so SIL still tells him to let her know if he spends anything.  He took this to mean, don't spend anything at all - so he cancelled his house insurance without telling anyone.

Last week, FIL fixed a leaking pipe in his house.  A couple of days later, his house flooded.  The pipe was leaking anyway, so it could have flooded without his fix, but either way, his house is uninhabitable and he has no insurance to cover it.

FIL told his social worker (SW) that he would live with us as we have a big house.  His social worker phoned my husband saying that we needed to take him, which my husband refused without being able to speak to me first.  (Sometimes, in day to day living I forget how blessed I am to have such a considerate husband.)  The SW then put FIL in a carehome that costs £600/wk!  SIL then starts pressurising us to take FIL into our home, and that she would in an instant be she only has a 1bed and FIL would have to sleep on the sofa.

Now, we do have a big home, but we also have 4 of us living here.  If FIL were to have turned up last week, he would be sleeping on the sofa in our house. 

In addition to this, whereas SIL works all day so her flat would be empty (FIL lives alone anyway, so it wouldn't make any difference to him), I home educate my girls, so we use all the rooms in the house during the day, and the girls have to be my priority, not caring for someone else.
If we did have him stay, we would have had to empty the junk work room, and put a camp-bed in there, so he would have been sleeping practically on the floor. 
I also tutor in my home during the day, so for those hours, he would have either had to stay in his box room, or go out on the streets of an area that he is not familiar with.
We would have to register him with our GP, but getting appointments etc is a nightmare at the moment, so that would not be good for him.
We briefly mentioned the possibility to the girls, but DD1 immediately had a meltdown.  Obviously she loves her grandad, but her anxiety shot sky-high at the thought of having someone else in her safe-space/home.

Both the SW and SIL think it wouldn't be a problem having FIL here.  He could get the two trains here by himself [without getting lost? really?]; he wouldn't interfere with our routine at all; he'd only be here a few days or maybe a week [really? I don't know the details of the damage to his home, but if it is uninhabitable, it could take months to dry out before any works can begin to fix the damage] and basically we're really selfish for not having him here straight away.  If he is that 'well', why has he been put in an expensive carehome, rather than a hotel for a few nights or even renting a 1bed nearby where he can check on the progress of his home?

My husband and I spent a lot of time, thinking through different options.  Having him here to stay isn't impossible, however I would have to have some ground rules.  My own anxiety/autism would require there to be a definite end-date.  I could cope having him here until the end of January, but no longer.  If he were here, how could we get him to leave if he didn't want to? He only eats plain/British foods; I'm happy to cook for him what I'm cooking, but given that I already cook 2 different meals if the kids don't eat what I like, I don't want to cook more.  He currently has carers coming in for him, how would that transfer here?  Would the SW be signing him off to us, to reduce her own caseload, and refuse to have him back afterwards?

I spent some time praying about it because, as a Christian, I do want to do what is best, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't think having him here is the best thing for him.  If his dementia gets worse, I don't have the skills to care for him.  Even if his dementia doesn't, if his anxiety/depression worsens, I would find it difficult to cope, let alone the kids!

My husband has gone to visit his dad again today.  I have emailed across a list of places to rent - there is currently a 1bed, partially furnished, house round the corner from FIL's house for only £300pm!  (An eighth of the cost of the carehome he's been put in.) It's a good price, and he would be able to go to his house when he needed anything, and would be around to check the drying out and work being done on his own home.  Even local B&Bs and Hotels are only roughly £55pn (less than £400pw), considerably less than £600pw carehome that presumably he doesn't need to be in, if he is as well as the SW and SIL claim!

Coming to this conclusion has been difficult, and I do feel bad about it - mostly for my husband who is the one getting pressurised.

"You better hope I don't die, then"

Last night, it was my turn to take the girls to bed. 

DD2 can't sleep unless someone is nearby.  As she has bunkbeds, it used to be the case that she'd sleep on the top bunk, and my husband or I would lie on the bottom bunk until she fell asleep.  This wasn't too bad an arrangement, because it was comfortable, and with a torch I could get on with some much needed reading.  Over time, we managed to pull away, so that we were sitting on the landing outside her bedroom door as she fell asleep; which meant we could get away a bit earlier than previously.  Recently, however, she has taken to sleeping on her bedroom floor, with her head on the landing, so she can watch us as she falls asleep, meaning we're back to being upstairs for hours in the evening.

DD1, otoh, being older is generally ok at going to bed by herself.  She is s...l...o...w getting washed, preferring to tap dance in the bathroom than brushing her teeth, but usually she does it, goes to bed, has a quick hug, reads a bit and goes to sleep.

Not last night.

DD1 has arachnophobia and really really panics if she sees a spider, even a money one.  Yesterday morning, she saw one on the corner of her ceiling as she was waking up, and managed to get up and get out without screaming the house down. Hurray for small wins! 

Unfortunately, this all came back to her as she was going to bed.  She does have anxiety at the best of time, and this was too much as she was heading into a full blown panic.  DD1 doesn't panic quietly, or hyperventilate or anything like that; she screams; full volume; and gets angry. 

So, I'm trying to calm DD1 down and quieten her down whilst simultaneously getting DD2 to sleep, and it's not working.  I suggest to DD1 that she takes one of her anxiety sweets and she angrily retorts "That's not going to help at all, is it?".  I ask her what will help, and she wants me to search her room for hidden spiders.  I look in all the corners and they are all spider-free, but that's not good enough for DD1, she wants me to hunt through all her things.  Now, DD1's bedroom is a mess.  She has a small bedroom, but between both children they share a 'play room' so there does not need to be any toys in her bedroom, just clothes, make-up and a few personal belongings.  DD1 is screaming at me that I need to look harder. I  repeat that I have looked, there's nothing there, and I need her to quieten down so DD2 can get to sleep.  I also suggest that she tries some deep breathing exercises (I particularly like the 1 breath in, 2 counts out, 3 in, 4 out... up to 10 counts, then start again) but that just resulted in DD1 getting more angry at me.

Meanwhile, my internal stress levels are rising rapidly.  I don't know whether it's because of my autism or my depression or my childhood or just that I'm emotionally inept, but I hate being shouted at.  I cannot cope with it, and my body goes into fight or flight mode.  I can feel it, but can't seem to do anything about it.

I try explaining to DD1 that I can't cope with the noise, that I need her to be quiet, that I have looked for spiders and there are none, that I have suggested things to calm her down, but she just needs to sleep, and that if her bedroom were tidy as I'd asked then it would be easy to check for spiders.  Admittedly, with my rational head this morning, my fight response may be winning at this moment, and my rational explanation may be coming across a bit shouty...

Either way, I realise there's no point DD1 and I shouting at each other, especially when I'm trying to get DD2 to sleep. So, I withdraw and go to DD2.  DD1 is still crying, but I cannot think what else I can try, that won't make it worse?  So I do something I'm not very good at, and ask for help.

My husband was watching TV when I ask him to help me.  His response, without asking what I need help with, is to storm upstairs, complaining how it's his turn to watch TV in an evening and I'm the parent so should know better.  He goes into DD1's room, and checks all around her room, accepts being shouted at, mysteriously calms her down, then comes out complaining to me again.  I start to say to my husband that I wanted help, I wanted to know how to help DD1 and I wasn't wanting him to do it for me. 

Apparently, it's easy: I simply have to stand there and let her shout and scream at me until she calms down.  But, I can't do that.  My body/brain/whatever won't let me.  I've tried.  I put up with it when she was a baby (you literally could set your watch by her.  Between 2pm and 6pm every day, she would scream constantly, no matter what I tried.  Not helpful when I had PND) but I just can't do it any more.  And that's when he retorted "You better hope I don't die, then" before going back into the living room.

I was fuming!  What a fucking thing to say!  As if I'm there going, "You know what? I want my husband, the love of my life, and the father of my kids to die.  It's just a shame that I need him to get shouted at on my behalf because I can't cope with it myself, otherwise, bye-bye." FFS. 

I have actually calmed down quite a lot from last night, but really!?!

God is God!

So we looked around two more schools today.  One this morning and another this afternoon.

The one this morning seemed like a good school (it has a good academic reputation) but didn't set DD1 alight, and she said she'd prefer to stay home ed than go there.

This afternoon's school was amazing!  It specializes in Performing Arts (have I mentioned DD1 loves to dance? lol) but because we are out of the catchment area, DD1 would have to audition to try and get one of the Performing Arts places - of which there are only 15.  The school itself  had a lovely feel to it; the head teacher was giving off good vibes, the tour showed the school off in a good light, all the questions we asked were answered in the way we wanted, and they even baseline test every child in Yr7 for any SEN, whether officially diagnosed or not, so they can help them if they have dyslexia or dysgraphia or whatever learning or physical needs they have. Great!  If I were choosing a school for myself when I was that age, I would have loved this school for the academic side of things (I was/am a geek).  If choosing for DD1, I think she would love this school for the performing arts side of things.  DD1 liked the school... but doesn't want to audition.

DD1 does dance shows, musical theatre shows, dance and musical theatre festivals etc.  She is not shy, and not one to be scared of performing, but she is adamant that she does not want to audition.  I have had a brief word with her dance teacher to see whether it was worth my while pushing encouraging her to audition - yes! I have considered asking DD1 to audition anyway, and then say no to the school if she really doesn't like it, rather than discounting it now because of the audition.  I have asked the school for more information about the numbers of people who apply, and the numbers of those who audition, even though only 15 children get it.  I've discovered an acquaintance who works at the school who I've been thinking of asking what the audition process is like, so get some more information to provide to DD1, so she can finally be persuaded to audition.

Nothing was working.  She likes the school we visited yesterday.  Despite being able to choose 3 schools, she only wants to write that one down (so far - we have more school visits next week), and if she doesn't get it, she wants to remain Home Ed, and put her name on the waiting list for a space.

Tonight I went to Growth Group (one of the Bible studies at my church) having not been for a god few weeks due to holidays and various other commitments.  We were reading Romans 11:1-10 and discussing the starting question of whether God has rejected his people? which led on to whether we can believe God's Word (Romans 9:6)? and ultimately to a discussion about who God is.

Amazing as it seems, it turns out that God, is God! And even more hard to believe, is the fact that I am not God!  I am not the person who has ultimate control.  I am not meant to be the person in control.  I just need to trust in God and rest in His peace.

Why am I fighting to get DD1 to consider an audition that she doesn't want to do, when in fact a small, local school could be the best thing for her?  It could be where God wants her to be!  I do not know the future, but I choose to trust in God, in His goodness, and leave being God to Him.  I will pray about the situation, but DD1 is being sensible enough to consider going to school when she recognises that she needs more than what I can give,  Why shouldn't I trust her, and more importantly trust God in work in her life, to choose the school that best suits her needs?

A bit about Me

I'm going to start with a confession - I'm not middle-aged.  At least, I hope I'm not, as I'm only 36yo.  But, it sounded good being alliterative, between Musings and Mum.  I am a mum to two girls (DD1 and DD2) whom I home educate, and I muse often, having random thoughts, ideas, projects I start and don't complete, and general rants against the government, companies and individual, mainly within my own head.

I read **A LOT** (I currently have 6 books on the go!) and have recently started MosaiCraft, which I love. I tutor Maths, around HEing my girls and driving them to dance/gymnastics lessons - which between them they do 6 days a week. And I'm working towards becoming a 2B Mindset coach/mentor.

I have the BRCA1 gene mutation, so am planning to have a double mastectomy in a few years as I currently have an 85% chance of developing breast cancer. I've already had a total hysterectomy to reduce my chance of getting ovarian cancer (it was previously 40%). I occasionally dream of going back to uni to study Genomics and Oncology when the kids have left home, but that's a few years yet as my youngest has only just turned 8yo.

Oh, and I've recently self-diagnosed (after being prompted by an expert) as autistic, which explains a thing or two in my past.  I'm also a Christian, and a Naturist, so am a collection or random labels, and am trying to be real and honest in these posts.

As for why I've started this blog- DD1 wants to become a vlogger, after watching many hours of Stampylongnose, SB737, and UnspeakableGaming, amongst others.  So, I thought it would be interesting to see what it's like to have a blog that I'll link to a FB page and see whether people actually look at it or not. To make things more difficult for me, I'm not going to show a photo of my face (unless it ridiculously takes off and is calling out for me to make a profit from this page <unlikely>), nor share with friends or family as a starting point for likes/followers. Anyone who finds this page and likes it, have found it randomly. Otherwise, I'm just using it as a sounding board for myself.

Once upon a time I did have a different blog (A Laid Back Parent's Blog) and managed to keep it up for a year, before life took over.  Surprisingly I still have 4 followers from back then (Hello, if that's you!), though for this new adventure I've changed my username from Laid Back Parent to Middle-aged Mum, as it seemed more fitting.

So yeah, that's me in a few paragraphs. I' sure you'll find out more about me in time. If you are reading this, feel free to ask any questions you have - at worst I simply won't answer.