Weekly Update

So, my weight is still going up. 😕
I had another session with my PT today, and she suggested I start considering a food diary to see what I'm actually eating.  I know with the 2B Mindset that I should be tracking what I'm eating, anyway, and that I'm resisting because deep down I know I'm not eating well.  
I have also paid for my next block booking of PT sessions and I realised that I think I'm still paying for my Body Groove subscription.  Ideally I would like to think I'll have more time to do that when DD2 starts school in September, but realistically, I can already see that I'm not going to be getting much more time to myself than I have now.  In comparison, the much more expensive 1:1 Personal Training sessions, she comes to my house, so I have no excuses.  Even in the rain, she'll turn up to my house - not switching on the TV or not going to the gym are nor options for me - which is good, because I clearly don't have any motivation by myself.

Weekly Update

Things are going well!  I have actually lost weight this week - half a kilo, but it all counts.  I'm not actively "dieting" at the moment, I am merely tracking what I eat, eating mindfully when I do, and I am meaning to keep up with the hypnotherapy (which I haven't for a few days...).  Being aware of what I'm eating, eating slowly and knowing that I need to write down and track whatever it is that I do eat, is helping me make wiser choices.

Exercise-wise, I'm going for a 3Km walk every other day.  This week there are free BodyGroove sessions lunchtime and evenings, that I haven't been able to join yet, but I do recommend them nonetheless (the link is on my FB page).

In other news, I am even more busy!  I have more people asking for maths tuition, and I'm having to turn them away, as working full days Wednesdays and Thursdays (plus the prep around them) is enough for me.  When DD2 goes to school, I'll try and spread them throughout the week, and so should be able to fit more people in (since 5 half days is more than 2 full days).

In the Home Ed world, I've been busy doing lots of admin stuff, as well as actually helping people with advice and support.  I know I'm a freak, but I don't mind admin.  It keeps everything organised and you get a sense of achievement when it's done.  It's a shame I don't feel the same way about tidying and cleaning my house!

I have also said I would host some sessions on Engineering for this year's HE Science Fair.  Last year I offered maths tuition, though only the people who I already tutored wanted any, lol.  This year, I've decided to go for a more hands-on demo, looking at what engineering is, and then 3 separate types of engineering.  I'm not a natural teacher (of a group, as opposed to a 1:1 tutor), so I will be pre-recording them, and the rest of each hour, they can do the activities themselves at home.  I have planned what I'm going to do, and what I'm going to talk about; I just need to write some decent notes (beyond my current "talk about engineering"!) and then get around to doing it before March.

And then there's my FutureLearn courses that I have been doing.  I got loads done over Christmas, so signed up to Unlimited, and since then finding the time to study is difficult.  I had planned to do it Monday afternoons, but then other things come along - like yesterday, I was sat at my computer 9am-7pm, including lunch, doing HE admin stuff that needs to be done because the government's HE Inquiry is still going on.

And to keep me sane, I need to find time to read.  We've had to take our pup to the vets a bit recently (D&V, though she's declared fit again now), so I've been able to use that time to read, as we're not allowed in the vets due to coronavirus.  A couple of times when I've tried to read during the day, I've fallen asleep, which isn't a good habit to get into as I have far too much stuff to do.

So, yeah, I've been busy, but that's life. 

Weekly Update Y2w43 & BodyGroove Workshop

 My weight has come down since last week - yey!  It hasn't been smooth sailing though, and my weight got even higher before it started to lower again.  And, where I'm alternating sleeping on the sofa, I keep forgetting to weigh myself, so that's why there are gaps in the graph.

I'm not giving up though.  

At the weekend, I did a 2-day Body Groove Workshop.  Back in June (I think), I was meant to be going to Birmingham for a face-to-face workshop with Misty Tripoli, but Coronavirus put paid to that. 
On each day over the weekend were 4 hours of Body Groove dancing, philosophy, meditation and life coaching, with women from all over the world. (Shout out to Bettina and Krista: I wish you both success and happiness in all you do.)

We were taught about the Seven Dimensions of Wellbeing: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Occupational and Environmental.  We were taught that in order to have joy in your life, you need to be authentically you in each of these areas, and we can work towards that in small steps to increase the joy in our lives. 

There was also a key quote that bears repeating:

"You need structures in place that are sufficient to your resistance to succeed."

This is a key thing for me.  You have seen in my attempts of losing weight the past couple of years that my resistance to succeed is strong! I am hoping that now I have a dog, I will be forced to take a daily walk, but this still hasn't happened so far - our puppy hates wearing a collar and a harness, and we've been advised by both the breeder and a dog trainer to go back a stage and generate positive associations with them first, before taking her out.  But, it's taking a long time.  She is now more than happy to sniff and eat treats off them (which she wasn't before), but still panics if we try and lay them on her (not even doing them up).  Unfortunately, there are times when I have to take her out of the house, so am forced to put them on her despite her distress. Back to the point, I haven't yet been going out for daily walks.  But, I have tried to minimise my resistance to going - I've bought myself new boots and a set of waterproofs (incl trousers) so I cannot use the rain as an excuse for not getting outside.

We also looked at ways to bring more playfulness into our lives, and what it is that we truly desire without attaching judgements to those thoughts.  We need to increase connections, both with other people, but also internally.  We need to analyse the judgements we make of ourselves and ask ourselves four key questions, based on The Work by Byron Katie (which I've not read yet, but have added to my wishlist):

1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true?
3. Who do I become because of that thought?
4. In that same moment, who would I be if I couldn't think those thoughts?

I found this challenging because a lot of my judgements about myself are about my need and desire to lose weight.  I am fat - that is absolutely true.  I do need to lose weight - if I want to have DIEP reconstruction after a mastectomy, but if I didn't think I needed to lose weight, I could have reconstruction using implants.  If I didn't align my self worth to losing weight, would I be happier?  What if I didn't keep thinking back to when I was 28 and managed to lose 5 stone (thinking "I did it once, I should be able to do it again"), rather simply accepted this is me now? [For context, I'm back at the same weight I was before I started losing it last time.  'They' say you can't keep the weight off for 5 years, but that's exactly what I did do, before it all piling back on.]  
This is an area that I still need to work on.

It has, also, reignited ideas about becoming a facilitator of Body Groove.  One of my fears is that nobody would want to take part because I'm overweight myself, but others assured me that that shouldn't be an issue, because although Body Groove enables a healthy lifestyle, the purpose isn't to lose weight (though it may be a side effect).  Other fears are around being the centre of attention, and being willing to allow others to see me getting my groove on.  I get embarrassed and self conscious easily, so am I willing to put myself out there and show other people there's nothing to fear?  What if nobody turned up and I was just in a room in a dance studio by myself - I'd find that really embarrassing too!  And of course there are the costs involved, and the added difficulty of covid meaning no more than 15 people at a time, socially distanced apart - can you even groove on the spot?  I don't know.  Much to think about, that's for sure.

Weekly Update Y2w23

I have followed one good week with another!  In fact, if I had posted yesterday (as I normally do on a Monday) you would have seen me at my lowest weight - under 91kilos!  As it is, natural fluctuation (plus the fact I did loads of pastry and cake cooking yesterday) means that I'm slightly up from there today, but it is still all good.

I am still reading You Can Drop It! and meeting with my friend weekly.  I am still focusing on eating a lot of vegetables - sometimes I manage it, and sometimes like yesterday I don't, but I am learning, adjusting and moving forward towards my goal.

On Sunday, I also attended (virtually) a 3 hour Body Groove workshop with Misty Tripoli, and it was amazing.  At the end of June I was meant to be going to a full day workshop, but due to coronavirus it is postponed until sometime next year, but we were invited to a shorter virtual one instead.  It reminded me how much I love Groove and the philosophy, and yes, maybe one day I'll be in a position to afford the facilitator classes and indeed set up my own.  I'm not sure that I'm confident enough to do it yet. Having people looking at me as I attempt to lead a dance fitness class is really outside of my comfort zone.  But, this is the life we have, and we should make the most of it.  If God is willing, I will eventually be able to do that and help other people.

Weekly Update Y2w22

I have had a good week this week! 
It's not reflected in my weight particularly, nor in the amount of exercise I have done or am doing, but I feel good in myself!

As I said last week, when we have BBQs I want to try and not have the bread roll with my burger - I managed it yesterday!

I made a massive salad, homemade yoghurt and mustard dressing and the most delicious carrots I have ever had. Honestly, they were so nice that I could happily just have a plate of them, and I'm no veg lover!  I cooked them the same way I do asparagus: lay them on a baking tray, sprinkle with onion salt, garlic powder, black pepper and a drizzle of oil. Give it a mix, and roast for 25min (I do asparagus for only 15min) at 180C.  Remove from oven and sprinkle with sea salt. Yum!

My whole week hasn't been as impressive - I have been fancying a Chinese takeaway for ages and haven't had one this year, I don't think? Certainly not in lockdown, anyway.  So, last week we had one, and inevitably my weight jumped as you can see from my graph.

But it has come back down after a couple of days, and today I am back under 92kgs.😀
I am reading Ilana Muhlstein's book "You can drop it!" which is based on the 2B Mindset.  Again, I'm reading it with my friend so we can encourage each other as we try to lose weight.  (If you click "2B Mindset" on the word cloud >>> you can see all my previous posts about it.)  This week I am focusing on Veggies Most.  It seems a simple goal, but one that I do not always maintain.  But as I said, I am feeling confident this week.

I am also mixing my exercise up between Body Groove's Pilates and 7 Minute Workouts (from the app of the same name).  Though I enjoy the pilates, and am managing to get stronger with it, I feel that I should combine that with doing something to raise my heart rate.

With God's help, I can do this!

Weekly Update Y2w19

Let's start by getting the elephant* out of the way - can you tell I had my birthday last week?

*as in "the elephant in the room", not as in me!

Despite that, I'm still pleased.  I hit a new lowest weight during the week, and after 2 days of increases, my weight is starting to decrease again, so I'm counting this as a win!  

I am trying to make a lifestyle change, rather than simply omitting lots of foods for the weight to go back on afterwards.  So, yes, it was my birthday and I had cake.  Actually, I had two cakes - one from a friend and one from my husband, both ordered from Mcctaffs!  I wasn't expecting either, so it was a lovely surprise. 

We have demolished the sweetie cake (which may or may not have something to do with the weight gain...), whereas for the chocolate one, I regained my senses and we portioned it up and froze the individual portions (well over 30 left over, and we ate plenty!).  That way, when we want cake, we can simply defrost the amount we are going to eat, rather than  eating it because it is there.

I was also given a box of chocolates, and am only allowing myself one per day - at the end of the day.  Sometimes I can do this easily, tbf, usually I can do this easily.  It's only when I'm stressed or depressed I can't (assuming it's decent chocolate - if it's cheap or milk chocolate, then I don't get my 'hit' and I end up scoffing the lot, which I hate myself for afterwards as I don't even enjoy it).  This is going well so far, even though I did have a wobble and felt myself being called by the chocolate, but I got through it with God's help.  Yes, I am praying every time I get a craving, because I know that I don't have enough will power to lose weight - if I did, I wouldn't be on the 19th week of Year 2 of actively tracking my weightloss.  I would have decided I would lose weight back in Sept 2018, and poof, the weight would have melted away because I would immediately have eaten healthily, with good portion sizes, and done plenty of exercise - but we all know that didn't happen!

This week, my aim is to exercise 3 times (I have already done once - yey!).  I have been going through Body Groove's Pilates.  Each video is around 12minutes long.  I started doing one video at a time, and the last cycle I was doing 2 videos together.  Depending on how achy it feels when I am doing it, I am going to try putting 3 videos together this week, so I can finally say that I am exercising for 30min, 3 times a week. According to the NHS I should be trying for 150min a week, but I'm moving in the right direction.

Weekly Update Y2w18

Last week was a 'Meh' week.  If you follow my Facebook page I've been posting more regularly how I've been feeling.  As such I didn't do as much exercise as I had planned - only once in fact.  Luckily I'm being held to account by a friend and am texting her when I do exercise.  This week has barely started and I have already texted her to say I have done two body groove videos!  (Slightly confusingly for people I know irl, my weightloss week goes Monday-Monday, but my exercise week goes Friday-Friday. So I'm counting the exercise I did on Saturday as 'this week' because the bulk of the week is still ahead.  It makes sense to me, anyway, lol)

Last week's update I said I got below 92kilos for the first time; this week, I have been below 92kilos all week!  My lowest weight so far is 91.7kg, so only just below, but it still counts! I honestly don't mind if I don't make big strides with this weightloss malarkey, as long as I keep persevering.  Weightloss, then sustaining, then weightloss, then sustaining, hopefully means that I will develop habits to last a lifetime.  I'm still learning to rely on God to help me as I'm beginning to see that I don't have the willpower in myself to lose weight - otherwise I would have done it already, and not be in week 18 of year 2!  I *know* all the things already, the science, the psychology, the quick tips and tricks that can aide me along the way.  What I am learning this time, however, is that reliance on God is a form of self-discipline that I *can* do with his help.

I'm due to finish the book I've been using on this journey this week, so will write it up then.  I hope my weightloss continues as I try and put what I've learned into practice - including increasing my exercise!

Weekly Update Y2w17

I feel like I'm starting to make progress!  I even got down to dead on 92kilos at one point, and thought that didn't stay, it's daily fluctuation that is normal.  Hopefully, if I keep eating right and mindfully this week I can break the 92kilo barrier and get into the 91s! <fingers crossed>

I exercised three times last week, and am aiming to either exercise for longer each time, or exercise four times in the week.  I need to keep at it!

Mental Health due to Coronavirus

So far, I have been fine.  Honestly.  I'm quite happy sat at home pottering about.  I do miss seeing people face to face, and giving friends a hug when it's needed, but we do our best using Zoom, Houseparty, Facebook, Skype, Messenger etc.

My family, otoh, suffer more with anxiety so I have been busy supporting them where I can. Everyone is more stressed, and my daughter who is excelling at school, is finding it difficult to learn online. I tell her to take breaks, but she is worried about getting in trouble (thankfully her teachers seem understanding).  DD1 wrote this poem instead of doing her school work the other day, and it has a depth of feeling that amazed me.  DD2 is worried about my husband and me dying.  And my husband is stressing about work and the fact we're trapped in the house.  Yes he can go shopping (he won't go out more than once a week), and yes he goes for a long run daily, but when he's stressed he likes to leave the house and go to the beach or visit someone or go to the cinema or any of the other stuff that we can't do right now.

I've been calm, making the most of the slowing down of daily life and the sunshine in the garden.  I've been reading more than usual, doing a new MosaiCraft, and I have even started doing Pilates on BodyGroove.  Life has been good to me - until this morning.

Due to having the BRCA1+ genetic mutation, I have an annual mammogram and MRI to check I don't have cancer.  This is usually in February, and when I didn't hear anything, I assumed it was because it had been deprioritised due to coronavirus.  Last week I had a call inviting me to screening today, and that I'd get a letter through the post.  Despite having received a letter from the NHS/Council saying that I need to shield myself for 12 weeks, this is important so I accepted the appointment.  My husband wasn't happy, but with everything I have read and seen about coronavirus, I would make sure I took adequate precautions and everything would be ok.  I bought some disposable gloves, have wetwipes to wipe down surfaces in the car, made a face-mask from a bandana and hairbands and have antibac gel.

Then this morning it hits me - I am going to the place they take everybody with coronavirus.  Doctors and nurses who have PPE have died at this hospital after contracting it, and I am willingly walking into this environment.  My rational brain knows that they wouldn't have called me to the appointment if it were dangerous, but that part of my brain went into hiding.  I was worried.  Thankfully a friend talked with me and helped put things into perspective and making me laugh (I don't know if you can see the skulls on the bandana, but it was suggested I carry a scythe too.  I don't have a scythe, but do have a garden hoe, and my husband's scholar's gown from Oxford that would complete the look!). Haha.

In the end, I went to the hospital.  I couldn't wear the mask, as though it didn't when I tried it at home, it kept steaming my glasses up.  I wore gloves going to the appointment (not during the MRI) and antibac-ed my hands every time I went through a door.  And when I returned to the car, I wiped my handbag down, and also the car steering wheel/radio/seatbelt/indicators/doorhandle etc when I returned home again.  Now I'm back home, I'm calm again.  I immediately changed my clothes and put them in the wash, washed my hands and face again.  It may be overkill, but I don't want to be responsible for bringing the virus to my family.

This has made me realise how brave loads of our workers are in this country.  I only had to go to hospital for an appointment that took less than 90min.  There are men and women who daily have to go to hospital to care for others, to treat others, to clean the wards where people have died or are dying, maintenance people who ensure all the equipment is running smoothly, people in the kitchens making sure staff and patients are fed, receptionists who are the first faces you see when you go to the hospital or to the department, and then the morticians who are encountering large numbers of people who are dying from the virus.  God bless you all.

I'm back home and am going to stay safe and stay here until the coronavirus has past.  I know at some point I will encounter the virus (it is inevitable) and I hope initially that I don't suffer badly, but also that it will be after the peak of this pandemic has passed.

Weekly Update Y2w14

I don't want to get too excited, because I know what I'm like - a couple of weeks of weightloss and then I pile it all back on again.  Especially as this is Easter week, and all the associated foods that I don't/won't deny myself.  Added to the fact that we're in lockdown and we need to use up all DD2's Easter chocolate from last year, before she gets given more this year, I am not pinning any hopes on losing weight this week.

On the positive side, though, we're not in self-isolation any more, so can go to the shops if we need to.  My husband went out yesterday, so we have lots of yummy food in the kitchen, and we still get a weekly delivery of fruit/veg (alternating each week), so there are plenty of ways to be healthy.

And little as it may seem, I have started doing Body Groove again - yey!  I've convinced my husband to join me too.  We're building up slowly due to my unfitness and his embarrassment at dancing round the living room, but we've started and that's the main thing.  And he's still going on runs by himself to keep his own fitness levels up, so isn't his main way of keeping fit, but I know I need to do more, and little by little it can make a difference.

Weekly Update Y2w13

There has been some progress!  Whether it's because we've been stuck in the house for a week and been forced to cook from scratch, whether it's because I'm drinking more water as I'm now accountable to someone who checks up on me, whether it's because that same person is specifically praying for my health, or something else entirely, I don't know.  But there had been progress and I am happy about that.

I need to keep this momentum going, so I have been thinking of other things to add to my routine.  I know I need to do some kind of exercise, as being stuck in the house means I am being more slothful than usual.  I want to get back to doing Body Groove, but with DD1 doing her schoolwork on the table in the living room, and both girls and my husband generally taking the mick, I haven't been inclined to do it when they're around.  (Which admittedly is a bit of an excuse, as I wasn't doing it before lockdown either.)  I have downloaded the 7min workout app, in the hope that I can start there, get in the habit of doing a short burst of exercise each day, and slowly build it up.  My husband uses the app sometimes, but he uses the full version, whereas I'll be starting as a beginner.

Homeschooling through Isolation

Yesterday the government announced all schools would be closing on Friday afternoon.  We had already received an email from the school which recommends DD1 continues to follow the school day whilst at home:

"Encourage your child to follow as normal a ‘school day’ routine as possible. They should aim to stick to their normal timetable. This would include learning sessions of 50 minutes as follows: 

08:50-09:40

09:40-10:30

Take a break

10:50-11:40

11:40-12:30

Break for lunch

13:10-13:30 – Reading time

13:30-14:20

14:20-15:10"

Now, you may be thinking that having home educated both my girls, sticking to a timetable like this would be easy for me - WRONG!  There is a reason why we are home educators, not home schoolers!  Already DD1 has commented "yeah right, like that's gonna happen"!

The scientist in me wants to see if the oft repeated (even by me) fact is true: Following a teacher's plan (or in this case, work set by school), you can complete it all in 2 hours a day.  Indeed, I've even shared Monkey Mum's calculation in a previous blog.  Given DD1 has already shown her reluctance to follow a timetable at home, I will try and encourage her to get all the school work out the way in the morning.  Given DD1 is a preteen with the attitude of a teen, and has inherited being stubborn and a know-it-all from me, this will be a difficult task for me.

Now some people, especially those who are used to the routine of school, will do well with structure, so I'm not suggesting you chuck it out the window immediately.  Schools still need to deliver the education, and schools should be detailing how they will do that, whether by online tasks, or online videos, sending books home or by other means.  Parents shouldn't feel like they are suddenly responsible for their child's education (though legally that responsibility has never left them, even if they outsource the education to a school).

Perhaps start with the structure and routine, but don't panic if it goes by the wayside.  Such strict timetables are really good when you need to control 30 kids at once, teaching them different subjects at different times.  With this homeschooling malarkey (again, for clarity, I'm using "homeschooling" to mean following a curriculum at home, in this case provided by the school, whereas "home education" is what I did with my girls), you'll only have a few kids at home, so can be much freer.  The caveat to that is if you have limited resources at home, for example, you only have one computer/laptop, but 3 kids who all have online work to do for school.  In this scenario, it makes sense to have a timetable where each child can get their work done online for a time.  And this scenario also shows how silly it would be for you to follow the school's timetable and need to have each child online for the whole day at the same time.

Take the chance to do things that you wouldn't normally do, too.  If both parents are having to work at home (again, this can limit internet time if there's only one device!) this may be harder, but try and enjoy your time together as a family.  Imagine you are on holiday, so play board games or card games together, or watch a movie during the day.  Do some cooking or baking, encouraging your children to get involved. If you can, use technology to limit the isolation you feel, by allowing your children to play online together with friends so they don't feel so alone.  Go into the garden and sow seeds or make up planters, in the hope of getting fruit and veg in the warmer weather.  And even being stuck in the home/garden there are exercises you can do: Body Groove, 7 min Workout, and lots of content on YouTube for various yoga, Pilates and other exercise routines.

This last paragraph (above) is more what home education is like.  It is about following your child's needs, interests, rhythms and natural curiosity as they navigate the world around them.  (In reality, home education rarely stays at home, and we are going to feel as stir-crazy as the next person without our usual science classes, social meets, Minecraft club, Lego Robotics club, dance classes, gymnastics classes, singing classes etc.)  However, I am hopeful that through this crisis, some people who had been curious or leaning towards home ed, may feel a bit braver and actually take that step, in which case have a read to see what you should be thinking about first.

Weekly Update Y2w1

So, my weight is still increasing after the Christmas period, and I don't know whether to start a new graph for the new year (in the hope that it decreases nicely and looks pretty), or to own the fact that I haven't lost weight, and am back to where I was a month or so ago? What do you think? Should I start again (again)?

What I am starting again, though, is tracking.  Once again, I'm using My Fitness Pal to track what I'm eating, as there does seem to be a correlation between me tracking and at least maintaining my weight, if not losing it.  I am also reconnecting with the 2B Mindset, specifically the 2 Bunnies - Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale and Track what you eat; and aim to do Body Groove at least once a week, if not twice.  My new day for Body Groove is Tuesday (since I'm home all day Tuesdays) and the Friday mornings that I'm home (roughly fortnightly).

I've also joined a local online fitness/get healthy group, in the hope that it will motivate me and spur me into action.  This is not a new year's resolution - it just happens to be in the new year, because it''s after the Christmas period.  I need to lose weight for my health and for future surgeries.

And because, whilst watching Friends with my girls, DD2 commented last night that I looked like Monica, and should do what she did and simply lose weight.  As much as I should be horrified by that comment, I'm not - I'm more horrified that I look at 'Fat Monica' and notice that she's thinner/looks better than I do.

Weekly Update No46

I am in the mood for trying again.

I got up early[er than usual], weighed myself for the first time in yonks and am the heaviest I've been for even longer. In a bid to stop me having cravings and eating crap later on, I have had 50g of porridge oats with water (185kCals) and have started tracking what I'm consuming again.  I've got a different book to the 2B mindset one, but it still records the same information, plus how you're feeling on that day.  As I'm not recording 3 things I'm grateful for atm, I hope I can add that into the same book, even if I decide to copy it up later. 

For now, I will track how many calories I'm eating though it's not something I want to do long-term.  Counting calories has worked for my husband, who in the space of a few months has gone from being the same weight to me, to as skinny as he was when we first met.  I doubt my transformation with be that quick (not least because I don't want to start running 10+Ks every weekend!), but I can use calorie counting as a tool, to hopefully stop me eating that extra snack or two when confronted with how much energy it contains, that my body will efficiently store as extra fat.

I may start watching the 2B Mindset videos again.  At the weekend, I was talking to a friend about her weightloss, and though she used a different program, the essence was very similar to 2B Mindset.  I felt a bit awkward because I knew everything she was telling me, and I believe everything she was telling me, I just am not putting it into practice. 

I am going to start (again, again) doing my Body Groove videos. I have scheduled in my diary alternate Friday mornings to do it with a friend, and if she can't make that time, or the weeks where I'm busy, I will try and do at least half an hour at a different time in the week.  Yes, I know I should be aiming at 30min exercise per day, rather than per week, but I really am that busy.  The time I am at home, I am either tutoring other people's kids, HEing my own, doing housework (ish), or sleeping.  I do have some other bits of time, and am now endeavouring to use them more wisely.

And another friend has suggested I sign up for DiabeticsUK Swim 22 challenge: Swimming the width of the Channel (22miles) in 12 weeks, in your local pool.  I have said I would like to join her doing it, but I'd do the smaller 11mile challenge, as even that will be hard for me.  Once upon a time, I used to be a good swimmer and was in a swimming club.  Now, however, I don't have the stamina, and I would have to do a mile/week in the pool just for the smaller challenge.  If I can't find the time to do 30min BodyGroove each week, it will be more of a challenge to find 1.5hr+ to go swimming (once you've taken account of travelling to/from the pool and changing), not to mention, finding someone to watch DD2 if it's on a weekday. That said, I do enjoy swimming, and I would like to do this.  I probably would have to buy myself some prescription goggles, if I can get up to the speeds I used to swim at, but initially swimming in my glasses should be fine.  (I have an old pair that I use for swimming.)

So yes, I've woken up today and I feel motivated.  I know I need to change my body, and choosing the ridiculous time of 'leading up to Christmas', at least means this is on my own terms, and I don't have the added peer pressure of New Year's Resolutions or whatever.  (I don't know if you've noticed, but when under pressure, especially of the peer variety, my natural inclination is to rebel.  When talking about dieting, this means self-sabotage.)

Weekly Update No39

It's amazing how simply feeling better in my head, has an impact on my weight.

This week, I have been out for dinner and had dessert, I have eaten plenty of cakes and biscuits, I have snacked and not really thought about what I have been eating.  Yet, I have still lost over a kilo since last week.

What I have been doing differently, is in addition to writing 3 things I'm grateful for each day, on the advice of my therapist I have added an extra line: writing one thing I value or like about myself.  I'll write more about this in a different post, but this has been more challenging than looking for things I'm thankful for.  And I have only been doing it less than a week, and I already want to start repeating myself (which is an added challenge I've set myself, rather than someone else saying it for me).

I am slowly making some better choices - last night for dinner, I made a delicious salad, and remembered to 'water' down the salad dressing with vinegar so that it coats all the leaves easier and is fewer calories.  I have also made plans to Body Groove with a friend.  We can only do fortnightly, but once a fortnight is still better than doing nothing other than sitting on my arse all day.

Right now, even though I've just consumed two Oreos and a latte for breakfast, I'm feeling positive about the week ahead.

I've hit a new low

No, not like that!

My weight is the lowest for over a year! Yey! 

As I've said recently, the things that I'm doing differently are 1. drinking [flavoured] coffee [with syrup] in the morning; 2. having a breakfast of porridge [with syrup] in the morning; and 3. not eating dinner in the evening if I'm not hungry.  Last night I came home from tutoring at 9:30pm and had a breakfast bar before taking the girls to bed.  I didn't need to eat anything more.

Yesterday I managed to tidy the living room, with DD2's help, because we had a prayer meeting here during the day, and everyone else's homes are always so tidy.  But, now that it is tidy, I actually have space to start doing Body Groove again.  I do enjoy dancing - even just around my living room, so hopefully next week I can start fitting that into my days again.  I don't want to do it today because we have an electrician coming round to fit a smart meter, though if he arrives early, maybe I'll be able to do some afterwards.

So yes, my weight is the lowest for a year.  When I announce my weightloss, it is less impressive - I am only down 3 kilos since October 1st last year, but that is just short of half a stone, and it's all progress.

Why don’t I like myself?

Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx

She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”

This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.

The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.

Weekly Update No27

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Someone shared this video on FB recently:

I've seen it before and I do find it inspirational.  It makes me want to do more Body Grooving as clearly dancing is good for weightloss - I just need to keep going start again with it.  

I know that the issues I have are in my head.  

I know I can lose weight as I've done it before.

I know my goal weight of 64kg is achievable because I've done it before.

I need to get to the root cause of what is stopping me.  

I need to find my motivation again, and cement it in my head.  Whilst I don't have cancer, the idea of it is abstract, whereas I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind.  I don't want cancer - I've seen what my mum has been through.  I do want preventative surgery.  And to have the reconstruction that I want, I need to have a healthy BMI.
I need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me, and live life on my terms, and dance if I want to dance.  When I took my girls to their dance lessons last week, I shared with some people about Body Groove, and we even did a dance in the hallway together.  It was fun! And that's despite some of the kids and the other parents laughing at us.  One parent who danced with me, even said that if I became a trainer and could offer classes whilst her child was dancing, she would come along - much like I did when a pt friend offered pt sessions at the dance studios a few years ago.

A few weeks/months ago I used the excuse that I didn't have any suitable clothing to wear, as it was too tight or too hot.  I have since bought loads of loose, groovy clothing that I am wearing as everyday wear, and could easily dance it, but I'm still not doing it.

And I need to rewatch all the 2B mindset videos.  I think part of my problem is that I get so familiar with stuff that I know the 'right' things to say, or think, but don't actually action them.  I'm clever enough to come up with the excuses as to why I don't need to stick to this or that this time, I'll do it next time; or I can justify why I really do want this cake/doughnut/alcohol, rather than holding out for my goals.

Weekly Update No24

This week has been an up and down week - by weighing myself daily I could see that I got down to the lowest weight I had for a month.  And I put it all back on again and more.  Today, I have lost weight again, but am still higher than I was this time last week.

So, I'm back on the smoothies (which isn't a bad thing as they are delicious and filling).  Today I am drinking Innocent's Cacao and Cherry flavour one; and I have planned chicken with vegetables for tea tonight.  My husband wants to lose weight, but is trying to do it through calorie counting.  I am trying to introduce him to the 2B Mindset, not least because there is now a 28day meal plan that is ready to follow.  This week is a busy week for us, and I'm not sure I'll be able to update everyone next Monday either as I won't be at home, with lots of travelling around the country.  I do need to plan out what we're going to eat, as otherwise when in motorway services I'll be tempted by fast food again; which is ok once in a while, but not every day if travelling every day.

I also need to start grooving again. It's something I really enjoy doing, and the 30 day challenge has been a challenge for me.  Not because the workouts are too hard (whilst some are challenging, they are great fun), but because I don't prioritise myself.  And on the rare occasions when I do have enough time at home to actually do it, I do something else (like update this blog... or watch TV because it's late in the day).  I am part of the FB group that is helpful for motivation, but really I need someone who can push me harder, nag me often, or want to come round and join me.

Weekly Update No23

I'm late with my weekly update this week, because I was at a consultation about a HE register all day yesterday.  As that is still filling my mind (as I write up my notes and summarise the outcome) this will only be a short update today.

I haven't lost any weight this week, but nor have I gained.
I need to get back into the Body Groove and catch up - I've missed a few days because of travelling yesterday, being busy on Saturday and being lazy on Sunday.  I did manage to do 4 days in a row before I missed a day (again, because I was out of the house for over 12 hours that day), and then I went back to it the day after.  So this is only a blip, and I haven't fallen off the wagon completely.