Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts

Thursday, 13 January 2022

I'm Back!

Hello my lovelies, how are you all?  

Ok, if you follow my facebook page I said my first post this year would be about books, but I've decided to give a brief overview about everything instead. And if you don't follow my facebook page, why on earth not?? Tut, tut, tut. 😜 Here's the link again, so you have no excuse: https://www.facebook.com/MusingsMiddleagedMum


So, I purposely had a break for Christmas, and it was needed.  I've come back this year feeling refreshed and ready to go.  Last week, however, I went to get ready for my first tutorial and my my computer had died.


Not only did the Automatic Repair not work, it wouldn't move off this screen.  I cancelled my tutorials and left it to my techy husband (they do have their uses, lol).  He used some techy magic to recover most of my files, but he couldn't get windows to work.  We wiped everything, started again, and windows still wouldn't work.  He even installed Linux, and even that operating system wouldn't work.  The hard disk was dead as dead can be.

After having to handwrite a comparison spreadsheet (I'm not joking, I am that geeky, and it took two A4 pages), I decided upon and bought a new laptop. Yey!  There are a couple of snags* with it, that I'm sure will be able to be sorted quickly, but overall I'm really pleased with it.
* There is automatically a background noise remover thingy on the microphone, which would be great, except now it stops my headset working with zoom when tutoring.  The only way to bypass is to not use my headset, so all my tutees are rewarded with sounds of my dogs barking in the background.  Should be a simple fix; husband will look at it later.
* Everything on my laptop is automatically saving to One Drive.  I use One Drive for music and photos, but all my large tutoring or Ed Free documents, I do not need nor want saving all the time.  It means I'm getting lots of notifications saying One Drive is full, and adverts where I can buy infinite (nearly) space for only £££ each month.  Again, a simple fix, but I'm ignoring it for now.

What's new with me? Well, yesterday was 20 years since I asked my (now) husband to go out with me.  Very forward of me, but he was/is shyer than me, if you can believe such a thing. Actually, if you know me now, you probably can believe it, but 20 years ago I was a mouse in comparison.  I thought he fancied me, and asked a couple of my friends a few months earlier, and they said that I was just imagining it, and he was just a good friend.  Anyway, in the January, we went back to uni and there was a party a friend of a friend was throwing and we tagged along.  We got drunk enough for me to ask him if he fancied me and for him to say yes - and then I ignored it and continued with the party!  It wasn't until I couldn't sleep that night, because everything was rolling around my head, that I went up to his room and asked him to go out with me, and then went back downstairs to go to sleep. I then didn't see him for 24hrs, because I was at a football match, and wasn't sure if he would remember or if he thought it was a mistake or what.  Ancient history it is, as we're now married, 17 years this coming August, with 2 kids, 2 dogs, and still happy.

I have started reading again - hurray! I don't think I had read anything seriously since about October.  I tend not to read much in December, because it's tacky Christmas movie season, but I had missed reading.  I don't have as much time to read as previously, only an hour on a Saturday of dedicated reading time (except when/if I read a good book, and it takes over my life for a few days), but I'm glad to have started reading regularly again.

And I've started calorie counting.  After hitting my heaviest weight ever after Christmas, I am properly tracking my food in MFP and have been meal prepping. I'm only on week 2, so it's not an established habit yet, but I have lost weight already, which keeps me motivated.

I'm going to my first naturist/clothing optional event for what seems like forever tonight.  Covid, of course, has stopped everything, but theatres are starting to reopen, so my husband and I are going to a clothing optional showing tonight, so that will be fun.

What's not new with me? Still tutoring maths.  Still involved in the home ed world.  Still have my personal trainer twice a week. Still going to church. Still ferrying the girls to dance every night of the week. Still me.

And that's about it!  I hope you all had a good Christmas and New years.  I did.  And that you are well xx


Thursday, 23 September 2021

And another month goes by...



So, I'm still seeing my PT twice a week.  My weight was still going up, and I almost hit 100kilos, which I've never been before.  But, I am still decreasing my size, and have even dropped a bra size when I got measured recently.


As sexy as I look in a bra and a pair of shorts (not!), I am pleased that even *I* can see that my back-fat is going, and I now have a waist again.

Both my girls are now in school, as DD2 recently started year 7.  She does enjoy it, but is very tired.  Having gone from needing 10-12 hours sleep a night, to having to leave the house at 7.30am, return near 5, then rush straight to dance lessons and often doesn't get home aain until 9.30 or 10pm, is a bit of a shock for her.

As schools have gone back, I'm tutoring again now.  My days have changed this year, so I work Tuesday mornings, Wednesday mornings and Thursday afternoons.  I don't have much free time, though, as I'm still involved with Home Education locally, nationally and politically.  (Ok, I don't know if 'politically' makes any sense in that sentence, but the rhythm made me feel like it needed a third thing there.)

I am trying to read too, but that has slowed somewhat.  As I don't need to wait at dance in the evenings anymore, I don't have as much time to read.  Also, in the few gaps I've had during the day, I have had a bit of a TV binge, watching non-kids TV during the day! Very exciting.  I have recently watched Sex Eduction, Love on the Spectrum, Motherland, and I was getting into Making a Murderer, until my husband joined me one day, and now I'm 'not allowed' to watch it without him.  Yet, since then, we haven't watched it together at all, so if he's not careful I'm going to continue watching it and just not tell him, lol.

And yes, I am aware that I haven't caught up with the book reviews I said I would write a month ago.  Despite everything I've written here (and this feels like a lot to me), I've even more things going on.

DD1 has been having mini absence seizures/blackouts for a while, though she didn't tell me that they had become frequent until last October.  I told her to keep a diary in case it was related to what she had been eating or time of the month or anything like that, and we made an appointment to see the GP.  Fast forward to February, and we were referred to hospital to see a neurologist and to have an EEG.  As part of this, they gave DD1 a general health check and discovered she had a heart murmur.  Not a big surprise or concern as my husband had one when he was little, but they referred us for an ECG.  And another.  And an echo.  And a heart consultant who told use they would be bringing in the big-guns from a nearby city to look at her heart, because she has a hole in her heart.  As you can imagine, this was a bit of a shock, given she was 13yo at the time, fit as a fiddle, loads of dance, and zero symptoms (breathlessness, fatigue, palpatations or enlargement of the heart).

Anyway, we saw the big-gun heart consultant, who did another ECG and echo (which incidentally, is really interesting, as the computor automatically colours the blood blue and red depending on whether the blood has been oxygenised or not).  She confirmed that the hole in the heart is nothing to do with the mini blackouts DD1 had been having, and because the EEG was clear, they (the hospital) are not following that up at the moment.  However, DD1 does not have a hole in her heart - she has two plus a leaky valve! (It's a partial AVSD for anyone who wants to google it.) Due to where the holes are located, they cannot go up the leg/groin to close it, but she will need open heart surgery.  But, it isn't urgent, because she has no other symptoms, so don't worry about it too much.  It's a fairly straightforward procedure, etc etc, and just has to be done before she becomes an adult, as if left unfixed, it could cause massive problems when she's in her 20s and 30s.

Then over the summer we had a virtual consulatation with a surgeon, who said they expected surgery to be in October!  DD1 would have to be in hospital for at least a week, at least a month off school, at least 3 months off dancing.  All of a sudden this became very real!  Due to dance festivals finally starting up again (and the enxt one being in October) we have asked for the surgery to be postponed until the summer term, but we will follow the guidance of the consultant.  Meanwhile, DD1 has had even more hospital appointments, and had to wear a 24hr heart monitor, and been asked to participate in research before/after surgery, so my suspician is that it will be sooner, rather than later.

Oh, and we have got a second dog, Luna.




Tuesday, 29 June 2021

Depression as a Christian

I feel the need to preface this post by saying that I know depression is hard for everyone.  I know that depression manifests itself differently for different people, and I'm certainly not suggesting Christians are better than other people.

***


Depression as a Christian is hard.  Not only do I have the depression itself, but I feel the added pressure of "If God was real, he'd take away your depression" and "If you were a true Christian, you wouldn't have depression" - both of which are lies that add to making you feel worse.

Recently, I've been feeling crap.  Nothing, that I'm aware of, triggered it.  I just felt numb and 'meh'.  I wasn't suicidal, and wasn't in a pit of existential despair, I just felt sad and have been on this ride long enough to know that my depression was kicking in.  My self care had gone, and I felt like I had to be everywhere doing everything, but not managing anything - all of which made me feel worse.

I tried to let go of the small stuff.  Not worry that my house was looking worse and worse.  Not worry that I just wanted to run away and hide, whilst knowing that I have too much responsibility to be able to do that. I'm in the middle of various FOI requests regarding home education and the treatment of home educators; I have my tutees that I love tutoring (whilst simultaneously looking forward to the summer break!); I have DD2 that I am actually home educating (when she is not watching repeats of Miraculous); and even this afternoon I have a meeting with my Local Authority about changing their HE policy.  And walk the dog.  And see my PT.  And spend time with my family.  And phone family that live further away.  And see friends.  And keep in touch with friends who live further away.  And... And... And...

Two weeks on, and I'm in a place where my mental health is such that I can write this post, though I have been thinking about it for a while.  


Many people think (including some Christians) that Christians have to be "happy" all the time, with stupid grins stuck to their face (yes, I'm jealous due to RBF), never getting angry, with glitter and sparkles wherever they go.  However, when you read the Bible, it doesn't actually say that.  Nowhere that I recall does it say that Christians will have an easy life with everything they want - indeed it says that Christians will be persecuted* for their faith and suffer hardship.

*Brief segue: whilst some Christians are persecuted for their faith, I do think that many of the claims in the West about persecution are not.  This is a discussion for another time.

I listen to worship songs in my car (much to my girls' annoyance), and I can feel the love of God, even when I am depressed.  It doesn't take the depression away, however.  But I have the knowledge, understanding and faith, that my depression is merely feeling and emotion, and however I am feeling, does not mean that, poof, God suddenly doesn't exist anymore.

Paul wrote many of his letters whilst in prison, after having been beaten or stoned, having to run and flee for his life.  He knew that no matter how he felt, God is still in control.

For the individual Christian, more specifically me, this disparity between 'head knowledge' and 'heart knowledge' can make me feel worse at times.  Not helped by hereditary Catholic guilt, disagreeing with my current church (Baptist) on a couple of issues, and knowing what I'm really like, all mean that I know I am not a "good Christian", and I wonder if I was "better" then I wouldn't feel like this?  Obviously, the answer is "no", and when I'm feeling normal, like I do right now, I can rationalise that.  The whole point of Christianity, is that there is nothing we can do to earn our place with God.  As good as a mere human can be, we could always be better, however, rather than that forcing everyone into depression, God came down to earth, to meet us at our level, where we currently are, with all our sins and guilt and shame and everything else. And because of that, is why we can still be joyful and sing God's praises, even when we are depressed and 'meh'.

Tuesday, 29 December 2020

Weekly Update - End of Year

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, despite the difficulties of not seeing friends and family because of Covid.


I had a nice relaxing time with my family and new pup.  We opened presents, ate a late lunch, and relaxed altogether.

Since then, I've started decorating my new room.  As we finished DD1's room, she has now moved up into the attic, and my room has been emptied.  So, I've painted one wall today, and I hope to paint the other three walls tomorrow.  I can then start buying furniture for it.  The biggest thing to go in there is a sofa bed, which we already have, but it'll be moved upstairs and I've got a new cover to go on it, so it will match the rest of the room.

I do need to do my Self-Assessment for my tutoring work.  I've never left it this late before.  I said the same last year, when I finally did it in October.  I just hope that next year, I don't leave it another 3+ months after the date I complete it this year (since the deadline is 31st January!).

After the New Year, I'll start reading up on the Home Ed stuff again, and fighting both locally and nationally.  Having my own work room will help me stay organised.

I still have one book review to write up, and ideally, I'd like to finish 3 of the books that I am currently reading, and write up reviews of those.  I'll then go through the whole year to give a complete list of the 70+books I have read this year.  Next year, I think I will lower the number of books I plan to read to about 50.  Not to say that I don't think I could read that many again, but if I am getting involved in other things, perhaps studying more too, I simply won't have time to read as much as I have done recently.  I am not sitting in the dance studios any more (due to covid) and haven't even finished the MosaiCraft portrait I bought for myself to do over Lockdown1.  Again, this is because I'm not sat waiting much anymore.  On a Tuesday, when I am waiting for an hour and a half, it is dark at the moment, and I have the pup with me, so it wouldn't be wise to do anything as fiddly as MosaiCraft.

I would like to start focussing on getting healthy again in the new year.  I am very aware that I need to get on the waiting list to have my mastectomy before I'm 40 (so I have 18months), and to have the reconstruction I really do want, I need to lose weight.  I have discovered that surgeons differ by how much weight I'd have to lose, so to know for sure, I will need to actually meet with one.  My mental state has enjoyed not weighing myself every day recently, but my clothes are aware that my weight is creeping up, as I expected it would (not least because it always does when I'm not weighing myself).  I find myself wondering if I can incidentally lose weight by focussing on a different area of my health?  What if I simply record what I am eating and how much exercise I am doing?  If I can get past the shame of recording every bite, will just knowing that I will be writing it later, help me focus my thoughts on healthy foods and the impacts that it will have on my health?  Maybe, just maybe.  And when it gets warmer, I do want to take my pup jogging (she likes it when I run with her now, but it isn't as fun for me when I'm wrapped in a big coat, scarf and boots, lol).

So, that's my quick update and vague plans for next year.

I pray that you can enjoy this festive period, and that your 2021 is better than this year has been xxx

Friday, 19 June 2020

Hair Update

I've just realised today that I had my hair dyed over 6 months ago!
I didn't expect it to even last until Christmas, but the colour stayed and I was suitably impressed.


Previously when I've dyed my hair (either myself, or at a hairdressers) the dye would come out thick and fast, and I was led to believe that my hair simply wasn't porous enough to hold the dye, even with bleaching first.  So though I had wanted purple hair for years, it was always a pipe dream, and I hoped that when I finally go grey, my hair would change sufficiently that I would be able to dye it.

Then a friend was telling me about her hairdresser, and personal recommendations are always the best, so after saving up, and psyching myself up, I went to Sharon Rewston.  Not only did she do the usual allergy test at the pre-appointment, Sharon also took a sample of hair and bleached and dyed it to see the colour that would come out.  I wasn't happy with the first try, so she tried again and got a brighter colour.

The day of the appointment came, and I was expecting it to take 3-4hours; it actually took over 8, but given the amount of work that needed to be done, it wasn't a surprise.  The price was more than I had previously spent on my hair, but it was agreed beforehand (even with the work taking longer than expected) and was definitely worth it.


The resulting colour was even brighter than I expected, so I was happy at the time and as I said above, I was still happy at Christmas time when the colour remained.

Over the following months, the colour did fade slightly, and my roots were growing.  I made an appointment for the start of May, where the colour would be refreshed and my roots would be dyed a plum colour.  (Forward planning, so that the next time my hair was to be dyed I could go bright pillar-box red, and the colours would gradually go from purple to red.)

Unfortunately, Coronavirus happened.  Lockdown happened and everything had to close.  My appointment was cancelled until further notice, but I understood, because everyone's health is more important than the colour of my hair.

During lockdown it has mainly been very hot and sunny.  My mental health is better if I'm outside, so I have been sitting as much as possible in the back garden, getting plenty of Vitamin D.
This has had the unexpected effect of lightening my hair.  I say unexpected, because it didn't occur to me, though logically the sun always bleaches colour.  Even my natural hair colour, which is very dark brown, the sun causes the red pigment to show more and gives me golden strands.  


Though my hair colour is now fading, I have to say that I'm loving the fade.  It has gone through Unicorn colours (as the pic above) and the blue is now turning a green, which DD2 reliably informs me is turning my hair Mermaid colours.

Yes, I would like my hair to be bright and bold again, but given current circumstances, I am doubly impressed with Sharon Rewston's hairdressing skills that not only has the colour lasted for over 6 months now, but that it is changing and fading in such a gorgeous way.  

So that is the point of this post.  If you need a brilliant hairdresser and you can travel to Swindon, then once lockdown has finished, call up Sharon.  I can't recommend her enough.

Wednesday, 17 June 2020

My Thoughts on Elizabeth Bartholet's Article



I am going to be straight up honest here: I have not read the full 80page review that Bartholet wrote.
Sorry, but I simply don't have time.  Should LAs or the government in the UK start referring to it, I now will be able to find an easily accessible copy, but for now it is going unread.

What I am going to comment on, however, is the summary that was written in Harvard Magazine.  As that summary quotes and paraphrases Bartholet, I will go through that with my thoughts and opinions.  Additionally, I have her words from yesterday to draw on to add context and meaning/intention to the written word.


In the article, Bartholet is calling for a "presumptive ban" on homeschooling because it may stop them from contributing to a democratic society.  She asserts that homeschooling violates a child's right to education and their right to freedom from abuse.

Yesterday, historian Milton Gaither stated repeatedly that there is not much difference in outcomes for home schooled and public schooled children in the US.  It is, however, environmental factors that make a difference, not limited to the time and input a parent has in the education of their child.  [This latter sentence is something that I have heard and read in research before (of course, now I look I cannot find the link.  If you reading this have the link handy, please comment below and I'll add it at a later date).]  Bartholet, however, countered this, often repeating that only "successful" homeschoolers allowed their children to partake in research, and there are many hidden homeschoolers that nobody knows about.  Normally, I would go on to make the point that in the UK, there have been ZERO Serious Case Reviews where home educating has been the sole or primary contributing factor to abuse (as I have stated HERE).  However, Bartholet is from the US and from the discussion yesterday there have been cases brought up involving horrific abuse, so I won't claim that what is true in the UK is also true in the US.

Bartholet is concerned about the lack of regulation in some states, that there is no check about the academic qualifications of the parents, nor their ability to teach. Again, this has been addressed in the paragraph above, but if that were not enough - if parents have come out of school without a GED, why should they entrust the education of their children to the state? She is also concerned about the lack of a home schooling register in some states, so I will repeat the link to my response why a home education register is not a good idea.

Bartholet says home education can isolate children, and yesterday commented that some parents choose homeschooling purposely to isolate the kids.  Instead, she proposes that each child should have "mandated reporters" to whom the child has to be shown regularly - this reminds me of the Scottish "Named Person" scheme, that many Scottish Home Educators had been against.


However, I do actually think one of Bartholet's ideas is somewhat praiseworthy - that parents should be checked prior to home education for reports of abuse and neglect.  Rather than a presumptive ban on homeschooling, or a reactive check on parents, I think this should be a forward acting policy.  If someone has a record of abuse or neglect, I think it is right that the court should order (in advance) that these people should have highly visible children and regular encounters with social services.  Now, I am going to put some caveats here.  Firstly, as Graham Stuart MP said when he was Chair of the Education Select Committee, home educated children are "peculiarly visible", so when I am saying visible, I mean to doctors, social services and EHEOs.  Secondly, whereas Bartholet implied yesterday that there is no smoke without fire, and if someone has had accusations of abuse they shouldn't be allowed to home school, I think this preemptive court order to should solely for people who have been through court and proven to have been abusive or neglectful.  There are many cases of a spurned partner who reports their Ex to social services maliciously, and just because of this fabricated report, it is not right that this parent should be prevented from home educating their children should they wish to.  (Fortunately, social services in the UK are able to see through malicious referrals.)

Bartholet states that up to 90% of homeschoolers in the US make that choice due to conservative Christian beliefs and extreme religious ideologues, including questioning science, female subservience and white supremacy.  Again, I'm aware of a huge disparity be the US and the UK, and that is true within Christian circles too.  However, wherever you fall on the creation/evolution debate questioning science is never a bad thing - questioning what we know is exactly what causes breakthroughs in knowledge.  Science is the collection of knowledge that we currently have, and is constantly expanding, growing and changing as our understanding improves.  If you think science cannot or should not be questioned, then indeed that is akin to science being your unquestionable religion.  Without having read her 80 page document, I don't know exactly what she means by female subservience, but I'm assuming she is referring to Ephesians 5:22 (from NIV) "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord", having ignored the previous verse 21 which states "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." and verse 28 that says "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."  I acknowledge that there may be some branches of "Christianity" that take these verses out of context and to extreme, but there is nothing inconsistent between calling yourself a Christian and a Feminist.  Finally, white supremacy is antithetical to the teachings of Christ.


An interesting follow-up to this was a question that was asked yesterday: Should children who are public schooled be mandated to visit religious or other private schools? Bartholet replied that no they shouldn't, because parents who wish to can teach religion at home.  To me, this is clearly double standards, and suggests to me that Bartholet is an atheist (I have no idea whether she has a faith or not).  If the parents of a child at a state school are atheists, when can that child encounter religion or faith in order to widen their education and have opportunity to encounter new ideas (given the separation of state and religion in the US)?  The fact that Bartholet doesn't see anything amiss here, demonstrates to me that she does not see any value in faith nor for children being exposed to it. 
Fortunately, in the UK there is not this separation.  My Home Educated children are free to explore their own faith (or lack of faith in the case of DD1), having me being a Christian, friends who are atheists, friends who are Muslims and visiting a Sikh Temple.  I would like to also visit a Synagogue and a Hindu Temple, but that will have to wait until Coronavirus has passed.

Yesterday there was also a discussion and question about whether homeschooling can produce civic-minded and well-rounded children/adults.  Bartholet says in her article "But it’s also important that children grow up exposed to community values, social values, democratic values, ideas about nondiscrimination and tolerance of other people’s viewpoints" but I'm not sure she gives the same exposure to schooled children, nor the same tolerance of home educating families.

When talking about the power and influence parents can have over their children, Bartholet says 
"The issue is, do we think that parents should have 24/7, essentially authoritarian control over their children from ages zero to 18? I think that’s dangerous... I think it’s always dangerous to put powerful people in charge of the powerless, and to give the powerful ones total authority."  
I know other commentators and bloggers have already commented on the fact that the government is run by powerful people who are in charge of the powerless (us).  Additionally, given the recent race relations and examples of police brutality that have come to light, I would want to question Bartholet whether she is in favour of defunding the police?, though I expect not.


Finally, though Bartholet concedes that some parents may be able to educate their children effectively and efficiently, she thinks parents should need to continuously prove that their case is justified in being able to provide a better education than at a state school.  In short, she thinks that rather than innocent until proven guilty, parents need to be assumed to be guilty of abuse and neglect and only allowed to homeschool if the parents can prove otherwise.  

Monday, 8 June 2020

History in the Making

2020, so far as we're not even half way through yet!, seems to be a highly significant year.  

I know most years feel significant in one way or another - for example both 2016 and 2017 shocked the nation and the world due to the number of celebrity deaths, though when looked at objectively, given the time when TVs because household items, and the ages of various celebrities as well as the growth of music, sport and celebrity culture, it's actually no surprise that many of them get old at the same time.

2020, however, feels different to that, not least because of all the different things that we have been dealt with on a global scale.  Firstly there were the wildfires that ravaged Australia.  We've had a global pandemic that we are still living through.  And now we are living through world-wide protests about race and societal structures that perpetuate the differences and hardships that non-whites face.

Now, normally on a Monday I do my Weekly Update, and today I was looking forward to it because I am my lowest weight!!! But instead, I have decided to put my thoughts on what has happened at the weekend.

Over the weekend there have been many protests to tell the world that Black Lives Matter.  I have given my thoughts on race and privilege before. Now, because we are in a pandemic some people have said that people should not be protesting.  I disagree with that.  We are in a pandemic, so people should not be having parties on the beach, or squashing together in supermarkets trying to get the latest deal, or driving 200-odd miles with your wife and 4yo child just in case you need childcare... However, speaking out for what you believe, speaking up for those who because of systematic racism need your support, is always a good thing.

Now, I don't agree with unnecessary violence.  I don't think bricks should be thrown at police horses (though as a friend pointed out - why would a responsible horse owner take a horse into a violent situation? - food for thought!) and I don't think there should be mindless acts of vandalism.  Spray painting "BLM" on buildings and plinths just doesn't site right with me.  Yet, as a Bristolian, I was pleased to see the statue of Edward Colston toppled and rolled into the river.  It seems like poetic justice.

My friend and fellow blogger has written a more articulate post about Edward Colston that I could.
There is lots in Bristol that uses his name.  I have read that, after refurbishment, Colston Hall will be changing its name.  I wonder if Colston's School will be going through a similar thought process in the near future?  Bristol has a long history of slavery, and I certainly don't think that should be white-washed or forgotten, but should be remembered and learned from.  It certainly shouldn't be celebrated by statues in public, rather in a museum where the public can be educated.

There is currently a petition for a new statue to sit on the remaining plinth (which I'm more upset it has been graffiti-ed than the statue removed): https://tinyurl.com/y9c8mu78

Personally, I would like it to be replaced by the image of this man, perhaps with statues of slaves themselves around the base.  

I don't know who to credit the photo
but will amend when I do.
Remember this day.  
Remember things can change.  
We all have the power to do a little,
Which will add up to something big.

Friday, 5 June 2020

A Sweary Poem

Fuck!
The fucking world is all fucked up.
What the fuck can we do?
Fuck off if you don't give a shit.
I do.
And if you think swearing is a sign of a bad vocabulary?
Fuck you.
Hell yes, I just said that.
We need to stop fucking around
And take ownership of our fuck-ups.
I am as guilty as the next
And if you're more worried about what I'm saying
Rather than why I'm saying it
You can shut the fuck up.
The world is fucked.
We are all to blame.
And because I don't want this to become a heavy essay detailing all the different ways the world is fucked right now (which incidentally I did start typing, but it was becoming far too long and convoluted so I deleted it all) I want to encourage you to open your eyes, educate yourself, educate those around you and speak up, even if you think your voice won't be heard or you are as much of a coward as I am.
The world is broken
But we can still
Thank God.
He came to save us
And we can be the change.
Can we change the world?
Abso-fucking-lutely.

Wednesday, 3 June 2020

Musings on Race and Privilege

I spent this morning talking to my 12yo daughter about the goings-on in the world.  It started about Coronavirus and the impact that is having on our lives, and evolved, as conversations do, to talking about the various protests around the world.

I have not watched the video of George Floyd's last moments.  The photos and articles written about it are horrific enough.  I know that I am in a privileged position that I am not confronted with racism nor police brutality on a daily basis.  I know that I am in a privileged position that the closest I get to racism is second-hand: it happens to friends and family, or their friends and their family.  It doesn't happen to me.  I can't understand what it feels to be the subject of overt and indirect racism.  When I hear people speak, an anecdote, short story, quick meme, I get the briefest of insight into a fraction of their lives.  As try as I might, though I may understand that moment, I cannot fully understand the impact it has on their lives.


My husband likes running.  He runs for fitness.  He runs for his mental health.  He runs to cope with Lockdown.  And I swear sometimes he runs just to get away from the kids! lol.  At the moment, it is very hot during the day, so he is running at night when it is cooler.

I don't like running.  Honestly, it's not for me. Five years ago a friend challenged me to "run the rainbow" with her for charity.  I used the Couch to 5K app and I did get up to running the 5K, and I did run the race and have various colour powder paints thrown at me.  It was fun.  I got my medal.  And that was that.  No more running for me, thanks!  However, sometimes I do feel slightly jealous that my husband runs in the evening.  I have never felt like I could do that.  As a woman, we have been taught since we were little not to go out at night.  That we could be attacked.  That it would be our fault for being out late.  For not wearing the right things.  For being alone.  And though I have been through the indestructible phase (late teens-mid 20s) where nobody and nothing can hurt you, after having children it is easy to become aware of all possible dangers, no matter how remote they may seem.  As such, a fat middle-aged woman, huffing and puffing just to traverse 5K alone at night, in my mind is a prime victim for being attacked as I wouldn't be able to run away.  So whether that fear is reasonable or unreasonable, I never ran at night.

I have a friend who recently shared a story on Facebook (though I had heard it before).  She is a white woman, and before she had kids lived in London with her partner, who bought her a dog.  One day, this dog tried to bite her, so she put in in a safe place, and called her partner asking for his help as he was on his way home from work.  When he got off the train, he ran home and she kept watching for him.  In her words:
But it appeared, I wasn’t the only one keeping my eye on him.
A police van happened to drive past this black man running. Put their lights on, put their sirens on and four of them jumped out to stop him.
He’d always asked me to stay out of things if police stopped him. It was something he was accustom to and he never wanted me to get involved.
...
I watched them put him in handcuffs and pat him down to search him whilst he stood there helpless. I remember the look on his face as he glimpsed me up at the window. The look of “look at this shit I have to deal with”.
They didn’t find anything.
But this wasn’t good enough for them.
They took him into the van.
At this point I was petrified! I ignored his request to stay away and I went outside to speak to the officers.
I asked one of them why they’d put him in the van and he told me they need to search him. I challenged him because I’d just watched them search him! ðŸ¤¬
He told me they needed to do a strip search because apparently in the Croydon borough there was an order in place that meant they could stop and search anyone they wanted to.
Can you imagine how he was feeling at this point? 5 minutes ago, he’d got off the train from a long day at work, and was rushing home to help me deal with our naughty dog and the next minute he’s being stripped searched in the back of a police van.
As I was talking to the officer, continuing to question what this “order” really meant, I’ll never forget what he said to me, whilst dodging all of my questions... “How do you know a prick like this anyway?” 
I can barely imagine what it must have been like for my friend, to see the way the police were treating the man you love simply because they were black.   I cannot imagine what it must be like for her black partner who is so used to receiving this kind of treatment, that they warn their white girlfriend ahead of time not to get involved if they see it happening.  I cannot imagine living in such a way that I wouldn't be allowed to run, if I had desire or need to.  I cannot imagine feeling like I can't walk around my own neighbourhood alone during the day.  I cannot imagine a boy of 10yo having already learned that he has to put his hands up in a neighbour's yard, when collecting a ball he accidentally kicked there.  I cannot imagine being a young boy, dressed as a superhero, held on my dad's shoulders, and have police point their guns at us.

This is not ok.  This needs to change.  And not just these overtly racist occurrences, but also the slight, discreet, indirect and subversive racism that makes up modern day society.

It is easy for me living in my town in the south of the UK to think this only happens in America, or it only happens in London, but systematic racism is prevalent in our society and it is not right.

I'm not going to patronise you by saying what you should or shouldn't be doing.  I'm only a white woman living a fairly comfortable life, commenting on what is happening to others, who hasn't got a fucking clue how to change society as a whole.  But I will tell you what I am doing.  I am going to educate myself and my children about direct and indirect racism.  I plan to read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People about Race and How to Argue with a Racist, amongst others.  I am going to use my voice and call out racism when I see it, and be gracious when people call me out on the systemic racism that I'm part of but barely aware of.  This article from 2016 says White Silence is Not an Option, yet not much has changed in the past four years.



I'm going to end by linking this BBC Article about why US protests are resonating in the UK and this 20min video about Trevor Noah's thoughts - well worth taking 20min out of your day to listen to it. (Trevor Noah was literally Born a Crime in South Africa because he is mixed race.  I reviewed his book last year.)

Here is a good list of books to educate your children and yourself.

Friday, 13 March 2020

Coronavirus

Everyone seems to be having their say, so now it's my turn.


Firstly, please stop panic buying.  Really.  You don't need that much loo roll, and you're being a selfish twat* because other people can't afford (whether time, money or physical energy) to bulk buy so are being left with nowt.

Same goes for paracetamol.  There are people who have various conditions that are manageable with pain relief, yet they are reduced to being in agony, not being able to maintain their living standards because shelves are stripped bare of basic paracetamol; not to mention the fact that there may be other circumstances why these people cannot 'simply' take other pain relief (pregnancy, asthma or other conditions).  Fever is a natural response to infection, so unless it is a very high temperature or accompanied by aches and pains, it is often best to allow the fever to run its course.

And the same goes for sanitizer and hand soap.  Everyone should wash their hands anyway, after going to the loo, before cooking and eating, after playing with pets or in the garden.  Yes, it is recommended that people wash their hands even more often, so the sales of hand-wash might be in slightly higher demand that usual, but currently it is ridiculous.

And the same goes (unsurprisingly) for dried and tinned foods.  Yes, some people are having to self isolate, but as it currently stands, the government has not required this on a large scale (see my thoughts on that below). As such there is currently no need to start stocking up, because all you are doing is impacting other people.  As I said before, there are people who cannot bulk buy.  Whether they go shopping once a week, or only buy a basket-full more often, if there is nothing on the shelves, these people are not going to eat.  And by 'these people' I am thinking primarily of the elderly or people on benefits who may have no alternative but to shop in this manner.  For most of us, and I assume everyone reading this blog, we do have alternative options.  We can buy online and get food delivered to our door.  Other people may not be comfortable with this technology, may not afford to have internet in their home or on their phone, or may not even have a card to enable them do online transactions.

A knock-on effect of this, is that food banks are running out of food and various supplies.  They are not on the shelves of the shops, so when these items are available, people are keeping them all for themselves, or not buying surplus (in the hope of reducing the affect of the panic buying and leaving enough for the next person).  I know I'm guilty of not donating to food banks recently, and I suspect I'm not the only one.

*Apologies to female genitalia - genitalia = good, selfish idiots = bad.

Secondly, it's not just the flu.
It is true that for most people, it will be an annoying infection from which you'll recover and life will go on.  However, for many people with underlying conditions it can be a lot worse.  I'm not going to expand and make you think I'm a medical expect - it's just common sense that people who have lowered immune systems or already have respiratory conditions will be affected by such a virus more.

For anyone interested in learning more about Covid19, FutureLearn are offering this free online course: Click Here

Then there's the impact it will have on all hospitals and other medical environments.  Not only is there the obvious effects (the more people who get the coronavirus, the small percentage of people who need to be hospitalised will increase, so can overwhelm ICUs), but there will be other people, who don't have the virus, who will need to be admitted to ICU, so there won't be enough beds.

There are people with various conditions who need to use hospitals, even if they don't need to be admitted, so lots of 'routine' appointments, testing, monitoring, and surgeries will need to be cancelled. I, for one, have not been called for my annual mammogram and MRI scan that I have to check for breast cancer at this time each year. Then there's the staff themselves, who not only put themselves at risk by being in an environment where there may be multiple people with symptoms, but if they too are self isolating, there will be less staff in our hospitals, so is a vicious cycle.

Once hospitals are overwhelmed, who will be considered eligible for treatment?  What if you're over a certain age? What if you are disabled or have other conditions? What if you don't have children? What if you're an alcoholic or drug addict? What if you smoke? What if you're overweight? What if you can't afford to pay privately?  Who gets to make these decisions?

So should we all be panicking?

No, but it is likely to have a big impact an some people, and because we should be caring for other people in our society, we should be thinking about the impact our actions will have on others.

The government recently updated their guidance here. I've heard a mixed response to this; some people suggesting it doesn't go far enough, whilst others thinking it's totally fine.  (I haven't heard anyone suggesting that it goes too far.)  My gut-feel is that it probably doesn't go far enough.

I know some people will be put out if things were shut down, not least self-employed people like myself who won't qualify for any benefits or SSP, but we need to learn from other countries.  It's very easy to think "oh, it's the other side of the world" "it's a different culture" etc, then it came to Italy, but "they didn't know what they were doing" and "we're learning from their mistakes".  The main thing that has come from the government, to me, is a sense that they don't want to do anything out of fear for their reputation, rather than erring on the side of caution/protecting people's lives, even if it proves to be too cautious.

This article has a sensationalist title, but does seem to be well researched and makes sense to my "Joe Public" understanding of events.

I know in my town in the UK, that we have currently 2 confirmed cases.  Allegedly, there are actually around 50 cases currently in our hospital, but that the hospital has been told from above that they are not allowed to test anyone unless they have travelled to certain locations.  Now the government have said that if you think you have symptoms you should self isolate and only call NHS111 if you are particularly worried or your symptoms are severe; as such the real number of people who have the virus will be much larger than current numbers (and therefore predictions based on these numbers) will suggest.

Another concern I have (because like must the population, I'm more selfishly concerned about how my future plans will be impacted because of shut-downs etc, rather than concern about contracting the virus itself) is surrounding insurance.  I don't fully understand it (partly because I haven't actually looked into it) but I've heard on the grape-vine, that if people choose to not attend events, then they cannot be reimbursed (which I do understand), if the events/venues get cancelled then people will be reimbursed (fair enough), but if the government implements a national shut-down, and events get cancelled because of that, then insurance is no longer valid so people will not be reimbursed.  As I said, I may have got that wrong, or not understood it, but that position seems inherently unfair.

And what about all bills that need to be paid during the shut-down period?  Generally I'm someone who if something happens that I have no control over, I will take it as it comes and treat the situation as an adventure, so the idea of being shut at home, doesn't actually bother me that much, assuming I can still get food delivered to me (because I am privileged in that way).  If we had to live on SSP for the duration of the shut down, if other bills were put on hold (and preferably without interest accumulating), we'd be ok.  If bills were not put on hold, things would be very tight for us.  We're lucky, we have a good credit rating and could potentially organise a mortgage-holiday.  Other people, however, may be renting, so do not have that option.  Or if it's a private landlord, they may be relying on that income in order to pay their own bills.  Unfortunately, I do not have confidence in our government (well, the prime minister at least) to have though of all these nuances, implications, and more that hasn't brushed past my mind.

Personally, my girls have dance exams in the next couple of weeks, and I wouldn't want them postponed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.  I do feel for students who are doing GCSEs, A-Levels, and University Finals this summer.  It's a stressful enough time anyway, without worrying about what-ifs and maybes. We haven't booked a holiday this year yet, so have no concerns about that being cancelled, but we have booked various day trips and overnight stays for various reasons that can all be impacted.

I've run out of steam for this topic right now, and I haven't even had a rant about overt and more subtle racism due to the virus.  Last night a friend and I had a delicious meal at a Thai restaurant, and we were the only 2 people there. All night.  I asked the lady working there if it was always this quiet on a Thursday evening, wondering if it was just because it's a weekday, but no.  They are quieter on a weeknight, but they have been near-dead all week.  It's crazy. Anyway, I will stop now (and probably remember the rest of what I wanted to write later when I'm away from my laptop).

Just remember to not panic, be hygienic, and think of others.

From BBC Health





Thursday, 23 January 2020

Musings about The Greatest Commandment

In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus was asked "What is the greatest commandment?".  Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."

If I'm asked to summarise the Bible, I'd respond:

  • Love God
  • Love your neighbours
  • Love your enemies
I have always struggled with the phrase "Love your neighbour as yourself" because I have always taken it to mean "Love your neighbour as much as you love yourself", and because I don't tend to love myself, in my head I have always thought it should be (because, obviously, I know more than the Son of God...<eyeroll>) "Love your neighbour more than you love yourself".  I've not had a problem with that thought, and I don't think it has harmed others to think that.  

Recently, however, I have come to think that the phrase has more practical implications.
I may not feel all lovey about myself, but I do show myself love - when I am hungry I get something to eat, thirsty and I get something to drink, cold and I put a jumper on.  Even if I don't feel love for myself, I do show myself love through these small ways.  Even if I may not like myself in the moment, I can still show love for myself, and it is this showing of practical, real, hands-on love that Christians are called to share with their neighbours (and their enemies).

Sunday, 15 December 2019

People are funny

...weird, that is, not funny haha.  Though I am laughing about it all.  Luckily I'm in a good place mentally, so I can laugh about it; otherwise I fear what it would have done to my mental health.

In this blog I have posted much about my life, on lots of different topics.  I know I swerve from 'the norm' on some things - I'm a Christian, I home educate, I consider myself a naturist, and most recently I voted against the winners of the general election.  Within this blog, though I generally use it for book reviews and for tracking my failure to lose weight, I have posted the occasional more controversial topic.  Yet, it is a post that I thought was pretty middle of the road that has caused a bigger reaction than I expected!

I posted this directly on my Facebook Page in response to the result of the election.  I admit that my tongue was in my cheek when I suggested that the electorate were stupid, selfish or both, but did use the qualifier 'may' and pointed out that it's an opinion not a fact.
The rest of the post, however, was talking about how to help people in the coming days, months and years because I think a Tory government is not good for society, and does not have people's (especially poor people's) best interests at heart.
Finally, as I get prompted by FB on every post I write, I thought this may be a relevant one to actually add a donate button to.  I don't know you, I am not telling you you must donate, I am not saying reading my blog is on the condition of donating, but is something you could choose to do should you wish.  I chose the Trussell Trust because it is an organisation that has food banks nationally around the country.  I could have chosen a food bank that was local to me, but given that I know I have readers all around the country, and indeed around the world, I figured they wouldn't care about a food bank in my little town.

At time of writing, this post on FB has currently got 114 reactions (yey!), 57 comments, and 17 shares!  I naively thought that if people didn't like what I had to say (though as I've said, I didn't think it was controversial) they'd just scroll past and ignore.  There's so much that comes up on my FB newsfeed, that even from pages that I usually like, there is the odd post that doesn't resonate so I simply move on.  If it's a page I haven't 'liked' on FB, unless there was something absolutely ridiculous and needs refuting, if I don't agree with a post I'll either scroll past or at worst, hide it from my newsfeed.

You can probably tell where I'm going with this!  when I woke up Saturday morning, I was surprised to see that I had upset someone by choosing the Trussell Trust to donate to.  In that thread of conversation I was repeatedly told "you really are an idiot"; a different person said "coming to your page with insults, you started your diatribe with the very same insults, because you and millions of other moaners lost an election."  though in an interesting twist these two people then started arguing with each other.  Other comments, in response to my post: "Accept the result and stop preaching to the rest of us. You come across narrow minded, judgemental and bigoted."  being a Christian, I've sat in my fair share of sermons, and reckon I could preach with the best of them; this wasn't it.  Here I was just trying to suggest that people are kind to each other - clearly I failed! Finally (again, at point of writing), I'm told "You are stupid and selfish." Not one to normally boast, but having a Masters degree in Engineering Science from the University of Oxford (and I do have friends who read this blog, who were at uni with me - I'm not lying), I can categorically say I am not stupid.  I may not understand some things, or may lack knowledge in certain areas, but I hold my hands up and am honest if that is the case.  Similarly, I don't think I'm selfish [often. I think everyone, including me, is selfish at times.  I try my best to override that part of myself, and with God's help, I can manage it sometimes], nor do I think it selfish of me to say that we should be kind and love one another.  Surely that's common sense and part of being a good person?

Oh well, you live and learn.  People are funny weird, and I can laugh at it all.

Edited to add some more comments:
Very funny! Begging for our money to line your own pocket, just like many others! Try working for your money like we do!  As much as I wish I was paid for writing my opinions, I'm not, so receive all this abuse for free.
 if you want people to be kind how about giving it a go your self!   In reaction to not understanding the words 'may' or 'just an opinion'.
Your post insults a lot of hard working, decent people   Other than a tongue in cheek comment, that already has been clarified, I fail to see where I have insulted people, but suggesting a few things.

Oh well, you can't please everyone!

Tuesday, 30 July 2019

Why don’t I like myself?


Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx
She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”
This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.
The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.