Weekly Update - End of Year

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, despite the difficulties of not seeing friends and family because of Covid.

I had a nice relaxing time with my family and new pup.  We opened presents, ate a late lunch, and relaxed altogether.

Since then, I've started decorating my new room.  As we finished DD1's room, she has now moved up into the attic, and my room has been emptied.  So, I've painted one wall today, and I hope to paint the other three walls tomorrow.  I can then start buying furniture for it.  The biggest thing to go in there is a sofa bed, which we already have, but it'll be moved upstairs and I've got a new cover to go on it, so it will match the rest of the room.

I do need to do my Self-Assessment for my tutoring work.  I've never left it this late before.  I said the same last year, when I finally did it in October.  I just hope that next year, I don't leave it another 3+ months after the date I complete it this year (since the deadline is 31st January!).

After the New Year, I'll start reading up on the Home Ed stuff again, and fighting both locally and nationally.  Having my own work room will help me stay organised.

I still have one book review to write up, and ideally, I'd like to finish 3 of the books that I am currently reading, and write up reviews of those.  I'll then go through the whole year to give a complete list of the 70+books I have read this year.  Next year, I think I will lower the number of books I plan to read to about 50.  Not to say that I don't think I could read that many again, but if I am getting involved in other things, perhaps studying more too, I simply won't have time to read as much as I have done recently.  I am not sitting in the dance studios any more (due to covid) and haven't even finished the MosaiCraft portrait I bought for myself to do over Lockdown1.  Again, this is because I'm not sat waiting much anymore.  On a Tuesday, when I am waiting for an hour and a half, it is dark at the moment, and I have the pup with me, so it wouldn't be wise to do anything as fiddly as MosaiCraft.

I would like to start focussing on getting healthy again in the new year.  I am very aware that I need to get on the waiting list to have my mastectomy before I'm 40 (so I have 18months), and to have the reconstruction I really do want, I need to lose weight.  I have discovered that surgeons differ by how much weight I'd have to lose, so to know for sure, I will need to actually meet with one.  My mental state has enjoyed not weighing myself every day recently, but my clothes are aware that my weight is creeping up, as I expected it would (not least because it always does when I'm not weighing myself).  I find myself wondering if I can incidentally lose weight by focussing on a different area of my health?  What if I simply record what I am eating and how much exercise I am doing?  If I can get past the shame of recording every bite, will just knowing that I will be writing it later, help me focus my thoughts on healthy foods and the impacts that it will have on my health?  Maybe, just maybe.  And when it gets warmer, I do want to take my pup jogging (she likes it when I run with her now, but it isn't as fun for me when I'm wrapped in a big coat, scarf and boots, lol).

So, that's my quick update and vague plans for next year.

I pray that you can enjoy this festive period, and that your 2021 is better than this year has been xxx

Corsets

From Amazon.co.uk

I read an article the other day about how corsets are coming back into fashion, and that’s a bad thing for women because their sole purpose is body modification in order to look more sexy and desirable to men.

I actually like a corset. I don’t own one that fits at the moment, but I do like the style as something glamorous to wear on a night out, or even dressed-down with a pair of jeans. I wouldn’t wear one to change my body shape, but that could be because before my hysterectomy I had a ‘full hour glass’ figure. I’ve always been fat, with a belly and thunder thighs, but I have always had a defined waist that was at least one size smaller than my hips, making clothes-buying difficult. Since I’ve been in surgical menopause, however, my waist is getting wider and wider. At one point it was good because my clothes actually fit, but now I’m more like an apple stuck on a pair of fat pillars…

Rabbani and Solimene Photography
WireImage

On that article, I saw a photo of Kim Kardashian wearing a corsetted dress, and I was shocked. I’m not a follower of fashion or gossip or celebs, so though I have heard the name, and I know KK is famous for her big bum, I didn’t know what she actually looked like. It just looks really weird. Like REALLY weird. Women naturally have a sexy, curvy shape, but taken to this extreme it looks odd. I suppose, for me, it’s because it just doesn’t look natural. I feel the same about many of the filters you see on snapchat and the like, that is meant to make you look airbrushed, or with makeup on, no flaws and more attractive, but just ends up making you look not real. Do men really find that attractive? I suppose my issue with this type of look is now mainstream it is – not that women look that way, but that it’s accepted (and acceptable) the women and girls want to look that way; as if if you don’t want to look like that, you’re the odd one.

Then there’s the argument that I have in my head about such things. I genuinely believe people should be free to wear, or not wear, whatever they want. An extension to that, is I believe people should be free to modify their own body however they want. Whether it’s piercings or tattoo, whether an extreme* hairstyle or colour, etc people should be free to express themselves. So, if someone wants to modify their body by wearing waist trainers and corsets, who am I to judge? It comes down to who are they doing it for? And much like the people who say they can’t leave the house without a full face of make-up, but claim it’s not society putting pressure on them to look like it, but they genuinely want to go through the rigmarole of hair and make-up sessions every morning; are these women** modifying themselves because they genuinely want to, or because they want to feel more attractive to others, and think this is the only way to do so?

*Now DD1 is going to school in September, I’ve just spent a small fortune on her school uniform. As part of the school uniform policy, there includes a note on extreme hairstyles and mohicans are not even mentioned, whereas very short cuts or bright colours are.

**I am aware that some men wear corsets too. And also some men and women wear corsets not to primarily change their body shape, but as a way to feel pain/control, perhaps as part of BDSM. I feel more comfortable with this, than wearing corsets in order to be more attractive.

Youth 4 Climate Strike March '19

Yesterday we joined millions of school-aged children and young people world wide to demonstrate how important climate action is. It has been said, that there are only 11 years left in order to change our current approach, until climate change is deemed irreversible for the worse.

It is unbelievable that in this day and age, some people still question climate change - there have been warnings since I was a young child - let alone claim it is a conspiracy or 'fake news'. And yet, when the people who will be directly affected after my generation (and older) are long gone, actually shout and make a noise about the fact their elders are not doing enough, it is met with claims that "they only wanted a day off school", and "the kids are hypocrites" etc.

Nobody leads a perfect life.  Even friends I have that I trying to be totally self-sufficient by growing, making and mending as much as possible, need a car occasionally to get around.  Or another friend who doesn't drive, is vegan and tries to be as environmentally friendly as possible, cannot live totally plastic-free.  And it is unreasonable to suggest that unless you can do all these things and more then you are a hypocrite and it's not worth trying anything.  Bullshit. We can all do a little bit more.  And for things that are outside of our control, we need to use our voice to protest, march, petition and at least try to change the minds of those in power: councils, governments and businesses.

So while the protest we attended was not in a major city, so was not as large as many that were around the country, and around the world, for these 30-odd students (yes, there were more not in the picture) they are showing they care, and give me hope for the future.

Feeling like shit

Bit of a frank post this one.  I've been feeling like shit recently.  A combination of lots of things, including the fact that I ran out of antidepressants on Monday.  I ordered more last week, and thought I had a week's grace, but obviously not. As it takes 4 working days for repeats to be fulfilled, I was only able to collect more on Thursday.

My weight is also increasing.  As I'm an emotional eater, my response to this is to shovel more crap into my pie-hole.  Part of me is curious whether I can actually make it to 100kg?  Anther part of me wonders how high I can make my weight? And the sensible part of me tells me that's a crap idea, I need to lose weight as it is (because I need to have surgery in a couple of years, not just general health reasons), and I'm stupid for even thinking otherwise.

I'm meant to be a 2B Mentor, but I can't even sort out my own head.  I wanted to do the Body Groove Facilitator Training at the end of this month, but thankfully saved my money, as I'm not even managing to do 10min dancing a day, let alone claim to be able to get others dancing.  It is something I would like to do one day, maybe they're next offering it in the UK, but my head isn't there yet.

I watched Isn't it Romantic? last night: "After hitting her head, an architect who hates romantic comedies wakes up to find her unremarkable life has become a dazzling, cliché-driven rom-com".  It was really enjoyable, but made me realise that I don't love myself.  I don't even like myself half the time.  I'm amazed I have friends at all, as I can be so clingy and melancholy at times << I'm hoping that's the depression talking, though it feels very real.

One good thing to come from this slump, is that I haven't got angry!  I always thought, and it seemed to be in the past, that if I came off my ADs, then my temper would run riot.  Actually, it hasn't been the case at all.  I haven't argued with DD1 once this week.  All my anger has turned inwards on myself, which is probably what you'd expect with standard depression.  I did think about going to the chemist/doctors to try and get my medication early since I had run out, but I couldn't convince myself that I was worth it.

I have lost weight before, and I know I can do it again.  But I also know that my head has to be in the right place.  Previously, my weightloss was kickstarted because I had HG when pregnant, causing me to lose 3 stone in the first trimester.  After that pregnancy, I lost a bit more weight, before becoming pregnant again, and managed to lose even more, so I was comfortably down to 64kilos.  That is where I would like to go again.  The 'diet' I used (inverted commas, because it was a lifestyle change) was based on the book Fat Burner Foods by Dr Caroline Schreeve.  It was low carb, high fruit and veg, and high amount of liquids/soup throughout the day too. It showed me that I really don't have to eat very much at all, to stay full and satisfied.  I seem to have lost that along the way.

A few years ago, I was making smoothies daily for breakfast or lunch, and though I didn't lose much weight, I felt much healthier and better in myself, as well as being fitter (I was exercising more then too).  Right now, I have tried to pre-prepare salads and vegetables, I have bought fruit with the honest intention of eating them, but I am wasting lots of food.  Not in the worst way, as I do compost, so it's not just going straight to landfill, but still a waste of food and money.

So what am I doing about it?
Spending even more money of course...

The Core is a raw food and juice bar that also offers programmes. Right now, I don't seem to have the mental function for making food for lunch or dinner (I'm not sleeping well, so am not even waking up for breakfast!), so having everything ready made will be good for me.  I'll be doing the standard 'Juice Programme' and have not yet decided whether I am going to stick to liquids alone, or whether I will need some food alongside, but we'll see how we do.

Now I have started taking my medication again, I hope that this increase in nutrition will kick-start my body into behaving and give me more energy, and help me make the needed steps in the right direction.

Edited to add: I wrote this yesterday and took an AD when I received them in the afternoon.  In the evening, my husband commented how much happier I'd seemed.  It's kinda scary (but good!) how fast/much they affect me.
Last night I even slept well, not waking up until this morning!

Christmas is getting closer!

Just over a week until Christmas, and things are finally starting to slow down in the Middle-aged Mum household. 

Most of the presents are wrapped and around the tree.  Now the girls are older, the presents are generally getting smaller, and we don't have to worry about them opening any before Christmas.  They still look, of course, and get excited any time they see one to themselves, but they know they can only touch the label and nothing else.

All the admin stuff I had to do before Christmas has been done: I have finished tutoring for the year, I have completed all the forms for a residential trip I'm organising next year, and I have bought various prizes that we have won for winning Beat the Street in our local area - including donations for a local homeless charity.  The girls have stopped any formal Home Ed they have been doing; their classes have stopped, though dancing continues until the end of this week.

So after having a Tesco shop arrive this morning, most of this weeks will be various Christmas activities.  Lots of baking, we have a HE Christmas Party tomorrow, a friend is hosting a party on Thursday, and we are seeing our town's Pantomime in the theatre on Friday.  Next week, my husband only has Christmas Day and Boxing Day off work, so when we visit family afterwards it'll just be myself and the girls driving up and back.

I will be trying to get the balance between Christmas cheer and eating healthily (water first and veggies most), but will not restrict what I eat.  My aim for this Christmas period is to not gain wait and keep practising the basic principles; any loss will be a bonus. I would like to start getting into the habit of Grooving round the house too, when music comes on.

Merry Christmas everyone, and yes, to the eagle-eyed among you, we do still have our homemade Halloween bunting still up.

God Bless xxx

Crazy Thoughts

So, since passing the 2B Mindset Mentor Certification last night, I've been having some crazy thoughts.

I would like to help other people, and preferably make money doing it.  However, I'm not sure I want to become a Beachbody Coach.  Whilst I would like to get commission for selling the 2B Mindset, from what I've read, in order to make money as a Beachbody Coach you have to sell a lot of products, not least because you have to pay to be able to call yourself a Beachbody Coach.  Doing the 2B Mindset, I like the fact that anyone can do it, and you don't need any specific equipment (except purchasing the videos in the first instance, and a set of scales to monitor your progress) nor any supplements.  One such supplement is Shakeology, and I know people who absolutely love it, so have no qualms promoting and selling it.  That's not me, however.  If people want to have shakes every day and it suits your lifestyle, great.  But, I don't want to feel that I have to flog endless amounts of something I don't use (I prefer to make a green smoothie from scratch) in order to make a profit.  Not only that, in order to progress through the ranks, you need to recruit people to become coaches themselves, and again, that doesn't sit well with my personality.



As I'm now qualified, I can join the Master Team, which does cost a nominal amount, but I don't know what it involves?  If I can make money through it without being a Beachbody Coach, then it's probably worth it for me. However, if all the Tips, Support and Community are specifically for building up the 2B aspect of being a Beachbody Coach, then I don't think I want it.


Now, this is where my thinking is starting to go a bit silly...


Another Health/Wellbeing/Fitness thing I really like is Body Groove and The World Groove Movement.  Personally, I love dancing.  I like how I feel when I've been dancing; whether that be in a Ceroc Class (which I love, but am not particularly good at), in a club/party or even just dancing
round my living room in my slipper-socks.  I've been following Misty Tripoli on Facebook for a few years now, and it's something that I think fits really well with the 2B Mindset of positivity towards our health and our bodies.

There is training coming to the UK in March!  I don't know if I'm going through a mid-life crisis atm (though of course, I'm not yet middle aged), or if I have more confidence after recently starting an Adult Musical Theatre class, or if I'm finally at the age where I don't give a fuck anymore and want to do what I want, but I'm really really really really tempted to sign up for it.  It's "only" $500, and as it's in London I'll have to pay for transport and a hotel for that weekend.  Ahem, I'm not made of money! And I haven't yet discussed it with my husband, either...

Again, it's one of those things that if I become qualified I'll have to pay annually to be able to use the Groove trademark etc, but is a similar cost to the 2B costs so not too bad.  I've done a basic cost outline, and if I can hire the dance studio my girls go to (which do hire them out for fitness classes) and charge £7 per hour session, for 42 weeks of the year (roughly term-time), then I only need 4 people to come each week to make a profit [excluding the initial training costs].  That also excludes insurance, which I haven't considered at all yet.  But 4 people a week, doesn't seem impossible.  And whilst I don't necessarily feel comfortable dancing in front of loads of people, in this situation everyone is in their own zone, rather than watching/copying each other, so I'd only have to shout out various instructions (and join in), rather than teaching a set routine with all eyes on me.

I think it's do-able, but I don't know if I'm crazy?

Musings about Autistic Women

While the girls were at their Home Ed science class this morning, us mums were waiting and chatting, as usual. 

A couple of us were discussing being autistic adults, and autistic women, and how challenging it can be, especially to get a diagnosis.  As I think I've mentioned before, I'm self-diagnosed, and I'm happy with that identity and don't feel like I need to pursue a medical diagnosis for myself.  Another mum was saying that she is in the process of being diagnosed - her GP has referred her - and thinks having that officially acknowledged will be of benefit to her.  Another mum joined the discussion and said she has had the same experience, and has only recently come to feel comfortable in herself.  She has learned, particularly through drama, how to act normal, but were she in her home environment she would be a bit more flamboyant and excitable.  Out of the group of seven mums this morning, four of us definitely consider ourselves somewhere on the autistic spectrum, with another having never thought about it before, but was relating to what we were saying.

Then the discussion moved on to whether autism was statistically higher in the HE community?  Anecdotally, we all agreed it was.  Perhaps it is because our children may have suffered at school, or perhaps we knew they weren't going to fit before even sending them, and from exploring our children we notice the autism in ourselves? Or maybe, because we have fought our whole lives to be ourselves, it isn't that much more of a push to free our thinking beyond a schooled education to something that suits the individual?

One month in...

...and I have not been managing to lose 2lbs/1kg a week.  In fact, from my 96kg start weight at the start of October, I have only lost 2kg (roughly half what I should have lost).
That said, everybody IS different, with different metabolisms, health conditions and lifestyles.  What works for one person, may not work for another.  The 2B Mindset is a lifestyle (not a diet!) and a change of mindset, where you will be more positive and lose weight happily and easily.

Does that mean the 2B Mindset is crap and not working?
Actually, no.  What it means is that I haven't been following the 2Bunnies properly, and if I had, then I would have lost even more. 

The 2Bunnies are Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale, and Track what you eat.

Do I drink Water First? Sometimes... Water is always the first thing to pass my lips in the morning, as I have a handful of tablets to take.  Sometimes I drink half a bottle before I eat breakfast, but I rarely specifically drink half a bottle before lunch or dinner. 
The recommended amount of water to drink is 1 fl oz / 2lbs (or 1 kilo) of weight - so for me, I should drink at least 90 fl oz, or 3 bottles, of water each day.  And I do drink that easily, sometimes more.  I drink a lot of water during the day, so though I may not be filling up on water just before eating, I know I am hydrated.

Do I eat Veggies Most? Occasionally.  This has been hard for me, because it has been dependant on my mental state and how busy I am.  If I am well, have planned ahead, and have plenty of time to prep/cook, then eating Veggies Most is easy.  When I am rushing around after the kids, and have to grab something to eat on the go, I try to choose Veggies Most, but if not taking a packed lunch (which requires planning/preparation) buying something Veggies Most is more difficult.  Add to that, poor mental health after a busy day and the kitchen isn't clean and the husband just wants to order a takeaway, it gets even more difficult to say no.  I am not blaming anyone - what I put in my mouth is up to me (ahem!); but my willpower is not as good as it could be, and I have not yet developed the habit of healthy eating.  For example, sometimes if the husband wants a kebab, I will order a Greek Salad, and have some of his meat (honestly, I'm not trying to come up with innuendo after innuendo!).  Or the other day at the dance festival, we went for a pub lunch, and I had a goats cheese salad with a tap water, and did not have dessert. But then, DD2 decided after ordering that she did not feel hungry, so I ended up eating her sausages and feeling overly full, when really I did not need that eating opportunity, an I should have said no.

Do I Use the Scale? Yes!  Daily.  This is a habit that I learned long before coming across the 2B Mindset for the same reasons.  My eating is under control when I can use the scale and see the information it is giving me as pure information, rather than as a scale of my value or worth.

Do I Track what I Eat?  Umm.... were you talking to me?  I track my weight, if that counts?  No? I thought not...

So, I am going to try and remember to track what I eat every day.  I am a member of a 2B Mindset group on Facebook that is really supportive, but even with their prompting I forget to track.  So, I am going to try to remember to track daily on my FB page: Musings of a Middle-aged Mum

I'm Back!

With a new laptop, so can finally connect to the world again - phew!

What's new with you? Seemingly not much has happened here, though I know I've missed writing, so it is probably more to do with my memory due to getting older, than anything else; as at some point in the past little while I have had something to say.

I had a mini-cancer scare.  Not a big one, and not anything I was actually worried about, but because I'm BRCA1+ I need to be extra vigilant.  The skin on one of my breasts has changed, so I had to make a GP appointment. The system at my local surgery has changed, so all calls now go through to a call centre that is centralised to many surgeries.  As a result, even though I phoned first thing in the morning and was on hold for 30min, when I got through there were no appointments left.  After a bit of a mix-up, I got a call from a GP and managed to get an appt the following day.  When I saw the GP he said it looked like dermatitis, which is what I suspected anyway, but better safe than sorry.


I'm actually 'on hold' at the moment to the same call centre.  I need to make asthma reviews for myself and the girls; but this new system is a nightmare.  I have opted for a call-back this time, but I've no idea how long that'll take and I daren't go to the loo in case that's when they choose to return my call.

I'm still going with my 2B Mindset training course.  I've had the virtual F2F session with Ilana, and am now finishing up going through the videos and the coursebook before I take the exam.  Fortunately, it seems that you can take the test as many times as you need, before you pass, as long as it's within 3 months; so that's a good sign.  But, I do want to complete it asap, so I don't have it hanging over my head over Christmas.  Speaking of which, I finally completed last year's tax return for HMRC yesterday.  Normally I like to do it in April, but I wasn't up to date, so kept putting it off and putting it off... Even though the deadline isn't until 31st January, I was still getting nervous that I wasn't doing it, so I'm glad I can feel relaxed now.

And this weekend starts yet another dance festival, so we'll be driving to Pershore and back, repeatedly, over the next week.  Both girls are dancing, and  it is good experience for them, even if it uses up all my time and money!

Hopefully, next time I write, I'll have something a bit better to say.

A bit about Me

I'm going to start with a confession - I'm not middle-aged.  At least, I hope I'm not, as I'm only 36yo.  But, it sounded good being alliterative, between Musings and Mum.  I am a mum to two girls (DD1 and DD2) whom I home educate, and I muse often, having random thoughts, ideas, projects I start and don't complete, and general rants against the government, companies and individual, mainly within my own head.

I read **A LOT** (I currently have 6 books on the go!) and have recently started MosaiCraft, which I love. I tutor Maths, around HEing my girls and driving them to dance/gymnastics lessons - which between them they do 6 days a week. And I'm working towards becoming a 2B Mindset coach/mentor.

I have the BRCA1 gene mutation, so am planning to have a double mastectomy in a few years as I currently have an 85% chance of developing breast cancer. I've already had a total hysterectomy to reduce my chance of getting ovarian cancer (it was previously 40%). I occasionally dream of going back to uni to study Genomics and Oncology when the kids have left home, but that's a few years yet as my youngest has only just turned 8yo.

Oh, and I've recently self-diagnosed (after being prompted by an expert) as autistic, which explains a thing or two in my past.  I'm also a Christian, and a Naturist, so am a collection or random labels, and am trying to be real and honest in these posts.

As for why I've started this blog- DD1 wants to become a vlogger, after watching many hours of Stampylongnose, SB737, and UnspeakableGaming, amongst others.  So, I thought it would be interesting to see what it's like to have a blog that I'll link to a FB page and see whether people actually look at it or not. To make things more difficult for me, I'm not going to show a photo of my face (unless it ridiculously takes off and is calling out for me to make a profit from this page <unlikely>), nor share with friends or family as a starting point for likes/followers. Anyone who finds this page and likes it, have found it randomly. Otherwise, I'm just using it as a sounding board for myself.

Once upon a time I did have a different blog (A Laid Back Parent's Blog) and managed to keep it up for a year, before life took over.  Surprisingly I still have 4 followers from back then (Hello, if that's you!), though for this new adventure I've changed my username from Laid Back Parent to Middle-aged Mum, as it seemed more fitting.

So yeah, that's me in a few paragraphs. I' sure you'll find out more about me in time. If you are reading this, feel free to ask any questions you have - at worst I simply won't answer.