And another month goes by...

 I'm reminded of the song from Come From Away that sings "And then another, and then another, and then..."

TLDR: 

So this past month, we have had covid in the house, we have had a dance festival, we have had uncertainty around DD1's surgery, we have had exhaustion from school, we have had good days out over half term, we have eaten too much and not exercised enough, though I have exercised some.  I have watched a fair bit of TV and not read much (which tbh hasn't helped my MH much) because I know how far behind I am of the reviews of books that I have read over the summer, and I'm behind on my paid work too.  

Positives:

DD1 came 3rd in her Tap Solo at the dance festival.

DD1 & DD2 came 1st in their Caberet Group dance at the festival.

I have gone on some runs when I've not seen my PT, and am s...l...o...w...l...y increasing in speed.  Still nearly an hour to run (and walk) 5Km, but under an hour nonetheless.

I have watched my first Christmas film of the season.

Despite being fully booked and not advertising at all, I am still getting enquiries about maths tuition.

My house is slowly becoming more organised.

I am trying to catch up on reviews a couple at a time.

Depression as a Christian

I feel the need to preface this post by saying that I know depression is hard for everyone.  I know that depression manifests itself differently for different people, and I'm certainly not suggesting Christians are better than other people.

***

Depression as a Christian is hard.  Not only do I have the depression itself, but I feel the added pressure of "If God was real, he'd take away your depression" and "If you were a true Christian, you wouldn't have depression" - both of which are lies that add to making you feel worse.

Recently, I've been feeling crap.  Nothing, that I'm aware of, triggered it.  I just felt numb and 'meh'.  I wasn't suicidal, and wasn't in a pit of existential despair, I just felt sad and have been on this ride long enough to know that my depression was kicking in.  My self care had gone, and I felt like I had to be everywhere doing everything, but not managing anything - all of which made me feel worse.

I tried to let go of the small stuff.  Not worry that my house was looking worse and worse.  Not worry that I just wanted to run away and hide, whilst knowing that I have too much responsibility to be able to do that. I'm in the middle of various FOI requests regarding home education and the treatment of home educators; I have my tutees that I love tutoring (whilst simultaneously looking forward to the summer break!); I have DD2 that I am actually home educating (when she is not watching repeats of Miraculous); and even this afternoon I have a meeting with my Local Authority about changing their HE policy.  And walk the dog.  And see my PT.  And spend time with my family.  And phone family that live further away.  And see friends.  And keep in touch with friends who live further away.  And... And... And...

Two weeks on, and I'm in a place where my mental health is such that I can write this post, though I have been thinking about it for a while.  

Many people think (including some Christians) that Christians have to be "happy" all the time, with stupid grins stuck to their face (yes, I'm jealous due to RBF), never getting angry, with glitter and sparkles wherever they go.  However, when you read the Bible, it doesn't actually say that.  Nowhere that I recall does it say that Christians will have an easy life with everything they want - indeed it says that Christians will be persecuted* for their faith and suffer hardship.

*Brief segue: whilst some Christians are persecuted for their faith, I do think that many of the claims in the West about persecution are not.  This is a discussion for another time.

I listen to worship songs in my car (much to my girls' annoyance), and I can feel the love of God, even when I am depressed.  It doesn't take the depression away, however.  But I have the knowledge, understanding and faith, that my depression is merely feeling and emotion, and however I am feeling, does not mean that, poof, God suddenly doesn't exist anymore.

Paul wrote many of his letters whilst in prison, after having been beaten or stoned, having to run and flee for his life.  He knew that no matter how he felt, God is still in control.

For the individual Christian, more specifically me, this disparity between 'head knowledge' and 'heart knowledge' can make me feel worse at times.  Not helped by hereditary Catholic guilt, disagreeing with my current church (Baptist) on a couple of issues, and knowing what I'm really like, all mean that I know I am not a "good Christian", and I wonder if I was "better" then I wouldn't feel like this?  Obviously, the answer is "no", and when I'm feeling normal, like I do right now, I can rationalise that.  The whole point of Christianity, is that there is nothing we can do to earn our place with God.  As good as a mere human can be, we could always be better, however, rather than that forcing everyone into depression, God came down to earth, to meet us at our level, where we currently are, with all our sins and guilt and shame and everything else. And because of that, is why we can still be joyful and sing God's praises, even when we are depressed and 'meh'.

Weekly Update - End of Year

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, despite the difficulties of not seeing friends and family because of Covid.

I had a nice relaxing time with my family and new pup.  We opened presents, ate a late lunch, and relaxed altogether.

Since then, I've started decorating my new room.  As we finished DD1's room, she has now moved up into the attic, and my room has been emptied.  So, I've painted one wall today, and I hope to paint the other three walls tomorrow.  I can then start buying furniture for it.  The biggest thing to go in there is a sofa bed, which we already have, but it'll be moved upstairs and I've got a new cover to go on it, so it will match the rest of the room.

I do need to do my Self-Assessment for my tutoring work.  I've never left it this late before.  I said the same last year, when I finally did it in October.  I just hope that next year, I don't leave it another 3+ months after the date I complete it this year (since the deadline is 31st January!).

After the New Year, I'll start reading up on the Home Ed stuff again, and fighting both locally and nationally.  Having my own work room will help me stay organised.

I still have one book review to write up, and ideally, I'd like to finish 3 of the books that I am currently reading, and write up reviews of those.  I'll then go through the whole year to give a complete list of the 70+books I have read this year.  Next year, I think I will lower the number of books I plan to read to about 50.  Not to say that I don't think I could read that many again, but if I am getting involved in other things, perhaps studying more too, I simply won't have time to read as much as I have done recently.  I am not sitting in the dance studios any more (due to covid) and haven't even finished the MosaiCraft portrait I bought for myself to do over Lockdown1.  Again, this is because I'm not sat waiting much anymore.  On a Tuesday, when I am waiting for an hour and a half, it is dark at the moment, and I have the pup with me, so it wouldn't be wise to do anything as fiddly as MosaiCraft.

I would like to start focussing on getting healthy again in the new year.  I am very aware that I need to get on the waiting list to have my mastectomy before I'm 40 (so I have 18months), and to have the reconstruction I really do want, I need to lose weight.  I have discovered that surgeons differ by how much weight I'd have to lose, so to know for sure, I will need to actually meet with one.  My mental state has enjoyed not weighing myself every day recently, but my clothes are aware that my weight is creeping up, as I expected it would (not least because it always does when I'm not weighing myself).  I find myself wondering if I can incidentally lose weight by focussing on a different area of my health?  What if I simply record what I am eating and how much exercise I am doing?  If I can get past the shame of recording every bite, will just knowing that I will be writing it later, help me focus my thoughts on healthy foods and the impacts that it will have on my health?  Maybe, just maybe.  And when it gets warmer, I do want to take my pup jogging (she likes it when I run with her now, but it isn't as fun for me when I'm wrapped in a big coat, scarf and boots, lol).

So, that's my quick update and vague plans for next year.

I pray that you can enjoy this festive period, and that your 2021 is better than this year has been xxx

Weighty Worries

I've been trying to write this post for the past fortnight, and I keep starting and deleting.  I'm going round in circles in my mind and I don't know what to do.

I am not losing weight.  It's easy enough to see why - I'm not limiting my eating enough and/or not exercising enough.  And I don't want to.  There, I said it.  I've known for a while my mind isn't in the right place to lose weight.

I'm ok with how I look.  Whilst ideally I would like to lose some weight, actually, I'm ok with how I am. I do have moments, especially when I'm on zoom calls, where I notice my double chin is looking more like a triple or quadruple chin, and I would like to be thinner so I have more choice of clothing, but I don't care enough to change for those reasons.

I'm trying to lose weight in order to have DIEP reconstruction when I have my double mastectomy.  I haven't spoken to a GP or surgeon yet, because I've heard that in order to have DIEP your BMI has to be below a certain level. My BMI is currently 34.5 and I've heard it should be a maximum of 27, if not 25 (ie top end of Healthy weight). So, I've started to think about having implants instead.  I've got no issue with implants, but it's not what I wanted, and that thought makes me sad. Yet, surely if I cared enough, I would make the effort to lose weight? Surely I wouldn't be stuffing mince pies in my gob at every opportunity?

When I had my hysterectomy, I planned on having mastectomy by the time I'm 40.  I'm 38 now, which means (assuming it takes a year for the process [ignoring coronavirus]), I need to see my GP and request it in less than 6 months time. I lack the self belief, let alone will-power, that I am going to be able to lose weight in that time.

I feel like stopping actively trying to lose weight is quitting.  And that isn't good for my depression.
I feel like continuing with the charade of weekly updates makes me a fraud.  And that isn't good for my depression.

If I could have surgery today and any reconstruction I want, I would choose DIEP, even with the added risks of being overweight and the longer recovery time.  Implants is an option, and I could potentially swap implants for DIEP later in the future.  But I don't want implants.  And I don't like to fail.

Who knows? This could be my depression talking, because it's dark and wintery, I've missed my antidepressants a bit too often recently, and I want an excuse to not have to watch what I'm eating with Christmas coming up.  Or it could be that I'm finally facing up to the truth that I don't have the willpower, energy, or strength of character to lose weight effective.  I'm just too lazy.

The Collective Virtual Choir - One Voice

Throughout lockdown, I've been keeping my depression at bay by singing regularly.  Unfortunately, my usual Adult Musical Theatre group has had to stop, however, I have been able to join The Collective - a virtual choir made up of many people around the world!

The Collective was started by Simon Lubkowski, a music teacher and barbershopper.  His vision (I encourage you to read the About Section on the Facebook Page) has taken off, with a fantastic team of volunteers who are all encouraging everyone to do their best, and now with thousands of participants, singing their hearts out.  Being part of the group, I can see the amazing amount of work that the leaders all do for free - from the admin, the tech team, to the music group and section leaders, to Simon himself, who seems to not need sleep at all!  It is the type of production that people would gladly pay to be part of, but it is done solely for the love of music and spreading joy.  It's amazing.

I missed out on the very first song (White Cliffs of Dover), but I have joined for three songs, and unfortunately have had to pull out again, because I'm just too busy to dedicate the time the latest song deserves.  

The first of these songs was One Voice by Barry Manilow.  Not being a Manilow fan (sorry! I don't dislike him, just couldn't care either way) I didn't know the song beforehand, so had to learn everything from scratch.  The materials to learn the song, both the music script and audio of the song, plus individual parts (I sing soprano) are all provided to you as part of the collective.  The music team then gets to work teaching everyone, over zoom, the melody, breath points, various singing and breathing techniques (ninja breaths!), multiple times a day, multiple days a week, across various time zones for the international singers.  

One participant, Ian Walker, deserves special mention as he made an app for all the information you could possibly need: links to videos, audio, script, rehearsals etc all separated out into your section part (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass or Solo), and adjusted according to your timezone.  Very impressive!

Once the song is learnt, the music team then focuses on performance, how to put emotion in the song, and the tech team teaches how to record your final version and the technology you need.  And, if that wasn't enough, they invite everyone participating to record themselves to gain feedback to improve their performance.  

As I write this, I had a sense of deja vu, and I have written about this before, so sorry for the repetition.
I will now get to the point of this post - the final video!

Recording it was a bit of a palaver, as I didn't have a good set-up, so I'd have to balance my laptop on a couple of boxes on an upturned bucket on my bed.  Not only that, before this recording I woke up late, and had to rush to put my make-up on, before joining in the zoom meeting.

But that didn't put me off.  After the tech team did their magic to integrate all the individual recordings from hundreds of people, to align them all, and then to get it to align with the video (that was recorded separately) the video was finally finished!  Hours and hours and hours of work for the volunteers to produce this 8minute final video.  I am there; briefly during the song itself, and more clearly in amongst the credits at the end.

I hope you like it.

Weekly Update Y2w22

I have had a good week this week! 
It's not reflected in my weight particularly, nor in the amount of exercise I have done or am doing, but I feel good in myself!

As I said last week, when we have BBQs I want to try and not have the bread roll with my burger - I managed it yesterday!

I made a massive salad, homemade yoghurt and mustard dressing and the most delicious carrots I have ever had. Honestly, they were so nice that I could happily just have a plate of them, and I'm no veg lover!  I cooked them the same way I do asparagus: lay them on a baking tray, sprinkle with onion salt, garlic powder, black pepper and a drizzle of oil. Give it a mix, and roast for 25min (I do asparagus for only 15min) at 180C.  Remove from oven and sprinkle with sea salt. Yum!

My whole week hasn't been as impressive - I have been fancying a Chinese takeaway for ages and haven't had one this year, I don't think? Certainly not in lockdown, anyway.  So, last week we had one, and inevitably my weight jumped as you can see from my graph.

But it has come back down after a couple of days, and today I am back under 92kgs.😀
I am reading Ilana Muhlstein's book "You can drop it!" which is based on the 2B Mindset.  Again, I'm reading it with my friend so we can encourage each other as we try to lose weight.  (If you click "2B Mindset" on the word cloud >>> you can see all my previous posts about it.)  This week I am focusing on Veggies Most.  It seems a simple goal, but one that I do not always maintain.  But as I said, I am feeling confident this week.

I am also mixing my exercise up between Body Groove's Pilates and 7 Minute Workouts (from the app of the same name).  Though I enjoy the pilates, and am managing to get stronger with it, I feel that I should combine that with doing something to raise my heart rate.

With God's help, I can do this!

The Collective Virtual Choir

This past month or so, I have been singing as part of The Collective.  The Collective is a Virtual Choir that describes itself as "An A Cappella Virtual Choir made up of singers from around the world. First started in 2020 during the Covid 19 Pandemic."
I saw an advert on Facebook that a friend shared, and it looked like fun.  It's a group of singers from all around the world, who are singing together, but separately, to make some music.

They did a project back in April ("back" - as if April was so long ago, lol) that I wasn't a part of, but gives you an idea of the type of thing we are working towards (as I'm not giving too many details until it is finished): White Cliffs of Dover by The Collective.

I had not realised that I missed singing, and it certainly does help with my mental health.  So, I have been learning a new song, learning new techniques and even learning how to self evaluate my own recordings by listening back to myself - something very scary when you've been told most your life that you can't/shouldn't sing.  I love singing, but this has stayed with me, so even though I do sing, I'm not convinced I'm any good at it.  During this experience, I have been brave and sung solo in front of strangers live, I have sent a recording of my voice part in for feedback, and this morning I have sent in my final recording to be included as part of The Collective.

The feedback I got almost made me cry - in a good way, I'm just not a cry-y person.

I'm not joking when I said that I have often been told I shouldn't sing.  When I was a child, I felt I didn't have support from family; I can remember friends laughing at me because I had perfected the art of miming to songs, and even though I did enjoy singing (even as a child) I can remember one friend telling me my voice was perfect for a choir but not for solos.  It took a lot of courage for me to join my Adult Musical Theatre group, though I haven't yet built up the courage to sing more than a few words by myself, I am hoping this experience with The Collective helps me to become more confident.  Even when practising this song, my kids say I'm embarrassing and my husband says I'm too loud because he is in meetings... 

This first song is nearly finished, and the next song is due to start next month.  I encourage everybody who enjoys singing to sing, whether it be at home, in a choir, or in a virtual group like this one. 
Sing and let your voice be heard!

Mental Health due to Coronavirus

So far, I have been fine.  Honestly.  I'm quite happy sat at home pottering about.  I do miss seeing people face to face, and giving friends a hug when it's needed, but we do our best using Zoom, Houseparty, Facebook, Skype, Messenger etc.

My family, otoh, suffer more with anxiety so I have been busy supporting them where I can. Everyone is more stressed, and my daughter who is excelling at school, is finding it difficult to learn online. I tell her to take breaks, but she is worried about getting in trouble (thankfully her teachers seem understanding).  DD1 wrote this poem instead of doing her school work the other day, and it has a depth of feeling that amazed me.  DD2 is worried about my husband and me dying.  And my husband is stressing about work and the fact we're trapped in the house.  Yes he can go shopping (he won't go out more than once a week), and yes he goes for a long run daily, but when he's stressed he likes to leave the house and go to the beach or visit someone or go to the cinema or any of the other stuff that we can't do right now.

I've been calm, making the most of the slowing down of daily life and the sunshine in the garden.  I've been reading more than usual, doing a new MosaiCraft, and I have even started doing Pilates on BodyGroove.  Life has been good to me - until this morning.

Due to having the BRCA1+ genetic mutation, I have an annual mammogram and MRI to check I don't have cancer.  This is usually in February, and when I didn't hear anything, I assumed it was because it had been deprioritised due to coronavirus.  Last week I had a call inviting me to screening today, and that I'd get a letter through the post.  Despite having received a letter from the NHS/Council saying that I need to shield myself for 12 weeks, this is important so I accepted the appointment.  My husband wasn't happy, but with everything I have read and seen about coronavirus, I would make sure I took adequate precautions and everything would be ok.  I bought some disposable gloves, have wetwipes to wipe down surfaces in the car, made a face-mask from a bandana and hairbands and have antibac gel.

Then this morning it hits me - I am going to the place they take everybody with coronavirus.  Doctors and nurses who have PPE have died at this hospital after contracting it, and I am willingly walking into this environment.  My rational brain knows that they wouldn't have called me to the appointment if it were dangerous, but that part of my brain went into hiding.  I was worried.  Thankfully a friend talked with me and helped put things into perspective and making me laugh (I don't know if you can see the skulls on the bandana, but it was suggested I carry a scythe too.  I don't have a scythe, but do have a garden hoe, and my husband's scholar's gown from Oxford that would complete the look!). Haha.

In the end, I went to the hospital.  I couldn't wear the mask, as though it didn't when I tried it at home, it kept steaming my glasses up.  I wore gloves going to the appointment (not during the MRI) and antibac-ed my hands every time I went through a door.  And when I returned to the car, I wiped my handbag down, and also the car steering wheel/radio/seatbelt/indicators/doorhandle etc when I returned home again.  Now I'm back home, I'm calm again.  I immediately changed my clothes and put them in the wash, washed my hands and face again.  It may be overkill, but I don't want to be responsible for bringing the virus to my family.

This has made me realise how brave loads of our workers are in this country.  I only had to go to hospital for an appointment that took less than 90min.  There are men and women who daily have to go to hospital to care for others, to treat others, to clean the wards where people have died or are dying, maintenance people who ensure all the equipment is running smoothly, people in the kitchens making sure staff and patients are fed, receptionists who are the first faces you see when you go to the hospital or to the department, and then the morticians who are encountering large numbers of people who are dying from the virus.  God bless you all.

I'm back home and am going to stay safe and stay here until the coronavirus has past.  I know at some point I will encounter the virus (it is inevitable) and I hope initially that I don't suffer badly, but also that it will be after the peak of this pandemic has passed.

Broken Halo by Dayo Benson

I've read books by Dayo Benson before, and this one was just as good!

It starts with Colby, sat in his car, contemplating ending his life.  He shouts out to God asking for one last sign. And not some wishy-washy sign either, but it needs to be a girl, whose name begins with C, asking him a specific question, and he has to see her 3 separate times that day.

Chloe is that girl.  She's a good Christian girl, going to church every Sunday without fail; she is engaged to a pastor, yet instinctively drawn to Colby, in a way she never way with her fiance.

The book is a Christian romance, but it is not a simple sweet story.  As you can imagine, Colby has his own demons. Despite being brought up as a Christian, he has strayed from that path. At the end of the book, you find out what Colby has hidden, but rather than hate him for it, it intrigues you to know how he has ended up where he is.  There are hints along the way, but it has left me wanting to know what happens next and wanting to read the next book.

The blurb says:

What do you call a knight in shining armor if the knight is a woman?

Colby:

I’m trying not to stare at this blonde knockout when I get robbed.

I don’t expect the blonde to chase the thief, blast him with pepper spray, and retrieve my money.

And that’s how I met Chloe Campbell.

The last thing I need is my lady knight thinking she can save me in other ways. I certainly don’t want to start believing that she can.

She’s everything I want in a woman, but she must be missing some vital self-preservation instincts because she thinks she’s in love with me.

I’m a stark sinner whose future is a big, fat black hole.

If she was like many girls her age, she would have heard of me. I’m pretty famous among that demographic.

But she has no idea who I am.

Chloe:

Colby is a bundle of secrets packaged as a drop-dead gorgeous, ‘he belongs on movie screens’ man.

I have every reason to walk away and forget that we ever met:

1. He’s out of my league.
2. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me.
3. I’m engaged. To a pastor, no less.

This feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

But it might be just what I need.

Falling from grace was never Chloe’s plan. Finding his way back to God was never Colby’s.

Could God be trying to get their attention?

Whether you're looking for Christian fiction or love your difficult romances, this book is for you.
Now I need to go and read book 2 in the Saints and Sinners series!

Musings about The Greatest Commandment

In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus was asked "What is the greatest commandment?".  Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."

If I'm asked to summarise the Bible, I'd respond:

• Love God
• Love your neighbours
• Love your enemies

I have always struggled with the phrase "Love your neighbour as yourself" because I have always taken it to mean "Love your neighbour as much as you love yourself", and because I don't tend to love myself, in my head I have always thought it should be (because, obviously, I know more than the Son of God...<eyeroll>) "Love your neighbour more than you love yourself".  I've not had a problem with that thought, and I don't think it has harmed others to think that.  

Recently, however, I have come to think that the phrase has more practical implications.

I may not feel all lovey about myself, but I do show myself love - when I am hungry I get something to eat, thirsty and I get something to drink, cold and I put a jumper on.  Even if I don't feel love for myself, I do show myself love through these small ways.  Even if I may not like myself in the moment, I can still show love for myself, and it is this showing of practical, real, hands-on love that Christians are called to share with their neighbours (and their enemies).

Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Weekly Update Y2w2

Following advice, I have decided to start my graph again from the start of the year; hoping that means that my post-Christmas weight is the biggest I'll be this year and my graph will look pretty and trending downwards for the rest of the year.

And so far it's working.  The yellow line (that's an average across 5 days) is smoothly going down, so that's good.  Though I am not specifically calorie counting, I am tracking my calories daily and on the whole am under 1500kCals each day.

My lowest weight(s) though are from days where my mental health hasn't been good, and I did something new for me.  Rather than bingeing, which is my usual response to emotional stuff, I stopped eating.  I just couldn't face it.  A day or two of that won't harm anyone, but having lived through starvation when I was pregnant (hyperemesis gravidarum) it is not good nor healthy for anyone to do that often.

I'm trying to get myself into a new weekly routine of having a grocery shop arrive on a Tuesday - Tuesday because that's the day (atm) that I'm not rushing here, there or everywhere.  Immediately, I will make a slow cooker thing for dinner, and a smaller slow cooker soup.  Last week I made Coriander Chicken, which was so easy - basically, salsa, chicken and fresh coriander cooked together.  Yum.  We ate that with rice, which was delicious.  However, because the recipe I'm following cooks for 6 people (and my girls are very fussy with their food) it meant we ate the same main (with different sides) 3 nights in a row.  The soup we were eating for lunch, and I actually made 2 soups last week.  My husband isn't keen on having the same meal multiple times, and our freezer is full of past meals that I've portioned out, and then forgot about...  He has suggested that I scale down the meals to make enough for either 2 or 4 people - but that ain't happening this week! lol.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking hoisin chicken, and I love hoisin (and Chinese food/flavours in general), so I'll be making the full amount of that, hehe.  I haven't decided what soup I am making yet (last week I made Tortilla soup and Miso soup), but am thinking of using up the veg we have in the freezer.  In a few weeks we're finally getting a new kitchen - yey! so I want to use up as much of the stuff in the freezer as possible, so it's easier to move around all the appliances.

Given that I ate fairly normally yesterday, and my weight rose slightly, I hope that is not going to continue.  I don't mind losing weight slowly, as long as I am losing weight.  That's partly why I also look at the average - so daily fluctuation doesn't matter too much.  Here's hoping this next week continues the progress I've made this year.

People are funny

...weird, that is, not funny haha.  Though I am laughing about it all.  Luckily I'm in a good place mentally, so I can laugh about it; otherwise I fear what it would have done to my mental health.

In this blog I have posted much about my life, on lots of different topics.  I know I swerve from 'the norm' on some things - I'm a Christian, I home educate, I consider myself a naturist, and most recently I voted against the winners of the general election.  Within this blog, though I generally use it for book reviews and for tracking my failure to lose weight, I have posted the occasional more controversial topic.  Yet, it is a post that I thought was pretty middle of the road that has caused a bigger reaction than I expected!

I posted this directly on my Facebook Page in response to the result of the election.  I admit that my tongue was in my cheek when I suggested that the electorate were stupid, selfish or both, but did use the qualifier 'may' and pointed out that it's an opinion not a fact.
The rest of the post, however, was talking about how to help people in the coming days, months and years because I think a Tory government is not good for society, and does not have people's (especially poor people's) best interests at heart.
Finally, as I get prompted by FB on every post I write, I thought this may be a relevant one to actually add a donate button to.  I don't know you, I am not telling you you must donate, I am not saying reading my blog is on the condition of donating, but is something you could choose to do should you wish.  I chose the Trussell Trust because it is an organisation that has food banks nationally around the country.  I could have chosen a food bank that was local to me, but given that I know I have readers all around the country, and indeed around the world, I figured they wouldn't care about a food bank in my little town.

At time of writing, this post on FB has currently got 114 reactions (yey!), 57 comments, and 17 shares!  I naively thought that if people didn't like what I had to say (though as I've said, I didn't think it was controversial) they'd just scroll past and ignore.  There's so much that comes up on my FB newsfeed, that even from pages that I usually like, there is the odd post that doesn't resonate so I simply move on.  If it's a page I haven't 'liked' on FB, unless there was something absolutely ridiculous and needs refuting, if I don't agree with a post I'll either scroll past or at worst, hide it from my newsfeed.

You can probably tell where I'm going with this!  when I woke up Saturday morning, I was surprised to see that I had upset someone by choosing the Trussell Trust to donate to.  In that thread of conversation I was repeatedly told "you really are an idiot"; a different person said "coming to your page with insults, you started your diatribe with the very same insults, because you and millions of other moaners lost an election."  though in an interesting twist these two people then started arguing with each other.  Other comments, in response to my post: "Accept the result and stop preaching to the rest of us. You come across narrow minded, judgemental and bigoted."  being a Christian, I've sat in my fair share of sermons, and reckon I could preach with the best of them; this wasn't it.  Here I was just trying to suggest that people are kind to each other - clearly I failed! Finally (again, at point of writing), I'm told "You are stupid and selfish." Not one to normally boast, but having a Masters degree in Engineering Science from the University of Oxford (and I do have friends who read this blog, who were at uni with me - I'm not lying), I can categorically say I am not stupid.  I may not understand some things, or may lack knowledge in certain areas, but I hold my hands up and am honest if that is the case.  Similarly, I don't think I'm selfish [often. I think everyone, including me, is selfish at times.  I try my best to override that part of myself, and with God's help, I can manage it sometimes], nor do I think it selfish of me to say that we should be kind and love one another.  Surely that's common sense and part of being a good person?

Oh well, you live and learn.  People are funny weird, and I can laugh at it all.

Edited to add some more comments:
Very funny! Begging for our money to line your own pocket, just like many others! Try working for your money like we do!  As much as I wish I was paid for writing my opinions, I'm not, so receive all this abuse for free.
 if you want people to be kind how about giving it a go your self!   In reaction to not understanding the words 'may' or 'just an opinion'.
Your post insults a lot of hard working, decent people   Other than a tongue in cheek comment, that already has been clarified, I fail to see where I have insulted people, but suggesting a few things.

Oh well, you can't please everyone!

Weekly Update No44

I'm still not weighing myself. I feel like I'm slowly losing all the 2B Mindset principles, which is a shame as in theory, it should work.  Whether it's will-power or I simply don't care enough, I don't know, but it should work.

Anyway, whatever the reasons, I've stopped weighing myself.  It does mean (obviously) I have no idea how much I weigh, whether I'm losing weight or gaining it.  I have also stopped writing 3 things I'm grateful for each day, but that's a bad thing, so I'm consciously going to start doing that again (as soon as I've finished this post!). Part of the problem has been that I usually write it before bed, but I've been so busy recently and so tired that as soon as I go upstairs I fall asleep.

This half term I have been driving up and back to Malvern almost every day for yet another dance festival.  My girls did well, though, and came back with 2 medals each: 1 gold, 1 bronze and 2 fourth place medals. 

So, now I'm back home, and DD1 is back in school, I'm trying to get back into the routine of things with DD2. I am currently waiting for a Tesco order to be delivered, so I can make some tasty soups and other meals.  We're watching David Attenborough's Life on Netflix over a late breakfast, and are planning to do some chemistry and algebra today.

Weekly Update No43

I haven't been weighing myself this week. 

I would guess that I've put on weight.  I have not been eating great, not helped by travelling lots for a dance festival (3rd in Junior Modern Groups, and 4th in Junior Modern Trios) so having easy to eat foods (like sausage rolls, crisps, etc) next to me to eat whilst I'm driving.

I am, however, generally feeling better about myself.

I've also stopped writing 3 things I'm thankful for, and 1 thing I value about myself.  I should restart that, because I do find it helpful, and it definitely helps my mood and self-worth.  But I am feeling good about myself. 

What I need to start doing, is translating this increase in self-worth into self-care; specifically physically.  Writing gratitude is self-care emotionally, but I also want to get to a stage where I purposely eat the right things and move my body more, not as a chore, but because I deserve it.

I do live in the future (and almost always have done) and whilst I am slowly getting better at living in the moment, I still think "things will be better when...".  Right now, we're trying to get our kitchen done.  We've lived in this house 4.5 years, and though the kitchen isn't that bad, there's hardly any storage nor work-surface space.  So, the time was right to get our kitchen done up.  We've chosen a local family company, so are no waiting for them to book us in.    But, when the kitchen is done, then I'll be able to meal prep and have much better, healthier foods.  She says.  In theory.  We'll see.

Qualifications are a pile of shit

As you may know, my church group is currently going through the Discipleship Explored handbook that deep-dives into the book of Philippians. Philippians is a short letter (only 4 chapters) that Paul writes to the church in Philippi, whilst he was being imprisoned.  Last night was week 5, which looks at our righteousness in Christ.

As I know many of the people reading this blog are not Christian, indeed many are atheists, I don't want to get too bogged down in religious wording; but since these are words that are used in the Bible, I hope I can explain and define them adequately. According to Wiki, righteousness is defined as "the quality of being morally correct and justifiable." 

Many people think our righteousness comes from what we do (or don't do), specifically, that if we do the "right" things, then we can get closer to God.  Philippians 3, however, reminds us that there is nothing we can do to make ourselves righteous before God.  The only way in which we can become righteous has already occurred - through Jesus and faith in Him.  Indeed, Paul was considered the most "good" or "religious" person of his day, being born the right type of person, learning the scriptures, keeping all the laws etc, yet in Philippians 3:8 he calls all those qualifications a pile of shit. Yes, you may be surprised at my choice of that word when discussing the Bible, but Paul does indeed call it all excrement.  The Lexham English Bible uses the word "dung", The Voice uses "a pile of waste", and whilst most English versions do use the sanitised "garbage" or "rubbish", the Wycliffe Bible uses "drit [and I deem as turds]".

In fact, if our Righteousness is to be found in Jesus, and Jesus is sat at the Right hand of God, then our Righteousness is always before Him. Interesting!

One particular thing about the video that struck me, was when the presenter was asking questions about whether certain things made us feel closer or further to God.  Most of the questions, I could easily answer 'no' to; however there was one that I replied 'yes': If you are asked if you're a Christian, do you reply "Yes, but not a good one"? That is wrong, because Christ is our righteousness.

I do answer that I'm not a good Christian, because I know my sin and I know where I'm trying to be.  It's not that I think doing things will make me closer to God - God is love and desires relationship with us - but I'm also aware that "No one is good except God alone." (Mark 10:18)  The reason why this challenged me particularly is because of the work I've been doing with my therapist on my self-worth.  Have I used this verse as another rod to beat myself with?  Nobody can be good, I know I'm not good, therefore I must be bad, and a bad Christian.  I wouldn't want to venture too far the other way, but if my identity is in Christ and He is my righteousness, then I can be bold and simply answer "Yes, I am a Christian".  I am still a sinner, I sin and regularly need God's forgiveness, but Jesus has covered up my sin so that I can approach God boldly and surrender my heart to Him.

As an aside, though still related, when I saw my therapist yesterday, she asked how something made me feel, and I responded "that I'm not all bad".  To me, this is a positive expression because I'm not all bad.  It acknowledges the bad parts, but shows that I have made progress.  Yet, to my therapist, she replied that my response made her sad, because it shows a focus on the bad, rather than stating that I'm a good person, but am human so will make mistakes.  It made me think.  I am in a better place than I was, and am continually working on my self worth, but clearly I have some way to go.  At least I can rest in being a child of God.

Difficult Questions

Last Wednesday I saw my therapist and we had a big discussion about intrinsic value and self-worth.  I can see value in other people.  Other people have value just by being who they are. When thinking about myself, however, I don't see things like that at all.  I often think I have no value, unless I am doing something for other people.  I know in my head that God loves me and He sees value in me, but I struggle to believe it.  And yet, who am I to argue or disbelieve the Almighty? So my therapist has challenged me to write something I like or value about myself each day.

Then, that evening, at my church's growth group, we are using Discipleship Explored and this week we were asked the question "what do you live for?" and more specifically, "what would your friends say you live for?".  My gut-feel when answering this question was My Girls, though ideally, I should be putting God first (and yes, that is hard for me to explain to somebody who doesn't believe in God). But, I was interested to see what my friends would say.  So, I decided to ask them.

Overall, I'm quite pleased with the response that I've had.  A few people did contact me to ask if I was ok and whether I'm feeling depressed atm, which was very kind of them to think of me and my well-being.  I am ok (I wouldn't be able to ask the questions if I wasn't), and it made me feel loved.
Other people did answer the questions, so was interesting to see their point of view.  I am hoping that people will continue to reply to me privately, as it is really interesting.

Weekly Update No39

It's amazing how simply feeling better in my head, has an impact on my weight.

This week, I have been out for dinner and had dessert, I have eaten plenty of cakes and biscuits, I have snacked and not really thought about what I have been eating.  Yet, I have still lost over a kilo since last week.

What I have been doing differently, is in addition to writing 3 things I'm grateful for each day, on the advice of my therapist I have added an extra line: writing one thing I value or like about myself.  I'll write more about this in a different post, but this has been more challenging than looking for things I'm thankful for.  And I have only been doing it less than a week, and I already want to start repeating myself (which is an added challenge I've set myself, rather than someone else saying it for me).

I am slowly making some better choices - last night for dinner, I made a delicious salad, and remembered to 'water' down the salad dressing with vinegar so that it coats all the leaves easier and is fewer calories.  I have also made plans to Body Groove with a friend.  We can only do fortnightly, but once a fortnight is still better than doing nothing other than sitting on my arse all day.

Right now, even though I've just consumed two Oreos and a latte for breakfast, I'm feeling positive about the week ahead.

Emotions, Mirrors of the Heart by Catherine Haddow

This book was recommended to me by a friend from church.  She knows I suffer with depression, and that I have been reading various psychology books in order to help myself.
When the Body Says No links our psychological state to our physiological state. Emotions, Mirrors of the Heart links our psychological state to our spiritual state.

The blurb says:

Our emotions are powerful. We experience them so tangibly that they can often feel all-consuming. At one time or another, we will all have experienced what Catherine Haddow calls ‘tears, fears and sneers’ — those darker, harder emotions. We often don’t know what to do with them. Sometimes we feel helplessly controlled by them, unable to see anything other than the emotion. At other times, we try and hide them from others and from God.

In this book, you’ll see that our emotions are vitally important as they are ‘spiritual smoke alarms’ that can alert us to the state of our heart. Catherine presents her own ’tbH’ model which, when followed, helps us to understand our thoughts, emotions and behaviours in more detail, each providing vital information about  the compelling desires, flowing from our hearts. She then helps us to apply biblical wisdom to where we’re struggling, inviting God to change and transform us from the heart of the emotion — the core of our being.

This is a book that not only spoke to me now, but is one that I can see myself rereading the the future if needed.  Rather than dismiss secular methods, such as CBT, which some Christian writers are prone to do, Cather Haddow acknowledges that they are useful and have benefit, but for the Christian they do not go quite far enough - so she developed the tbH model (thoughts >> behaviours >> body >> Heart) and encourages us to allow God the freedom to transform our innermost being.

Even if you are a Christian who doesn't suffer with depression or anxiety, I would recommend this book to you, because it shines a light on ourselves whilst opening us up to God's transforming grace.

(This book isn't currently available on Amazon, but is available in paperback and ebook from 10 of Those.)

Weekly Update No36

My weight is coming down again - yey!  I'm not doing anything that radical, other than only eating when I'm hungry (yes, I know it's obvious, but after years of conditioning that I should eat at certain times, I should finish what's on my plate, and if you're happy (celebrate) or sad (commiserate) you do so with food, it's a hard habit to break).

I've been quite busy recently too.  Between getting back into the dance habit, getting into the school habit, helping with homework, helping friends, and trying to get on top of my mess of a house and home educate my youngest, there has not always been time for what I want to do - including updating this blog and my FB page.

On the good side, my mental health has been improving recently, and I have my first proper meeting with the therapist this week, so that should help.  I've not been able to read as much as I like, as I don't have as much free time as I did.  Previously I could read for 30min or so whilst waiting for the girls' dance lessons to finish, whereas now I'm having to drop DD2 off, rush back home to pick up DD1 after school, bring DD2 back home and then either go to work or somewhere else.

I've finally finished catching up on the latest series of The Handmaid's Tale on TV (The book is excellent, I highly recommend it.  The TV series started following the book, but later series, the TV-plot has gone further) and I want to watch the latest series of The 100 which has recently started back on TV.  That's not forgetting I still haven't had time to watch Stranger Things or Orange Is The New Black.  All of which is not help by me being tired and going to bed early so I have some hope in getting up in time for DD1 to go to school in the morning.

Which brings me back round to my weight - the only other new thing I'm doing is that I've started drinking a cup of [gingerbread] coffee [with caramel syrup] in the morning, and having a small bowl of porridge, which staves off hunger until lunchtime or beyond.