Weekly Update Y2w3

My general curve is still going down *and* I hit a low for the year!

I have eaten out twice this weekend, and stopped tracking (naughty me), so that explains the increase the past couple of days.  Overall I am pleased with my progress so far, and hope to build on it this week!

The first meal out was for a steak dinner with my husband whilst our girls dance on a Friday night.  We ate a steak each, but shared the sides and didn't have chips.  It was lovely, and I didn't miss the carbs.  We did share a dessert too, but eating out should be enjoyed.  Despite all this, I didn't go over my calories for the day, so I was doubly pleased.  I shared that on one of my support groups, and was promptly told off for trying to stick to 1200 kcals limit, which isn't enough for anybody.  Whereas I was posting more to say that it was possible, and I didn't feel like I had denied myself anything that day, as opposed to aspiring to stay under that amount.  I know there are many people who think My Fitness Pal's suggested calories are not conducive to healthy weightloss.  I, however, find them to be accurate for my activity level (ie lazy bum) as if I eat much more, I do tend to gain weight.  That, of course, doesn't stop me from eating more, as I'm only using it to track, rather than to be a hard limit for the calories I eat each day.  I also think it's more important to be aware of nutrition and to eat mostly nutrition-dense foods, rather than calorie-dense.

The second meal out was a Murder Mystery evening in Abingdon, thanks to Dine Naked Oxford and British Naturism, with characters played by the Oxford Imps.  The food was Moroccan, so a mixed starter that was placed in the middle of the table.  I allowed myself one half of pitta, hummus, and probably too many almonds.  The main was chicken tagine with cous cous, and the dessert was Moroccan style rice pudding.  The Murder Mystery itself was quite good fun, as it was improvised and there were plenty of jokes.  Our table did guess the correct murderer, albeit for the wrong reason, so we didn't 'win', but enjoyed ourselves nonetheless.

This week, we have lots of food in our Freezer that we are going to try and eat up; most of it portioned out already.  Unfortunately, the writing has come off all the boxes, so we don't know what we're eating until it's defrosted, lol.

Weekly Update Y2w2

Following advice, I have decided to start my graph again from the start of the year; hoping that means that my post-Christmas weight is the biggest I'll be this year and my graph will look pretty and trending downwards for the rest of the year.

And so far it's working.  The yellow line (that's an average across 5 days) is smoothly going down, so that's good.  Though I am not specifically calorie counting, I am tracking my calories daily and on the whole am under 1500kCals each day.

My lowest weight(s) though are from days where my mental health hasn't been good, and I did something new for me.  Rather than bingeing, which is my usual response to emotional stuff, I stopped eating.  I just couldn't face it.  A day or two of that won't harm anyone, but having lived through starvation when I was pregnant (hyperemesis gravidarum) it is not good nor healthy for anyone to do that often.

I'm trying to get myself into a new weekly routine of having a grocery shop arrive on a Tuesday - Tuesday because that's the day (atm) that I'm not rushing here, there or everywhere.  Immediately, I will make a slow cooker thing for dinner, and a smaller slow cooker soup.  Last week I made Coriander Chicken, which was so easy - basically, salsa, chicken and fresh coriander cooked together.  Yum.  We ate that with rice, which was delicious.  However, because the recipe I'm following cooks for 6 people (and my girls are very fussy with their food) it meant we ate the same main (with different sides) 3 nights in a row.  The soup we were eating for lunch, and I actually made 2 soups last week.  My husband isn't keen on having the same meal multiple times, and our freezer is full of past meals that I've portioned out, and then forgot about...  He has suggested that I scale down the meals to make enough for either 2 or 4 people - but that ain't happening this week! lol.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking hoisin chicken, and I love hoisin (and Chinese food/flavours in general), so I'll be making the full amount of that, hehe.  I haven't decided what soup I am making yet (last week I made Tortilla soup and Miso soup), but am thinking of using up the veg we have in the freezer.  In a few weeks we're finally getting a new kitchen - yey! so I want to use up as much of the stuff in the freezer as possible, so it's easier to move around all the appliances.

Given that I ate fairly normally yesterday, and my weight rose slightly, I hope that is not going to continue.  I don't mind losing weight slowly, as long as I am losing weight.  That's partly why I also look at the average - so daily fluctuation doesn't matter too much.  Here's hoping this next week continues the progress I've made this year.

Happy Christmas and New Year!

I hope you've all had a good Christmas, and will have a fantastic New Year to come!

Image by Markéta Machová from Pixabay 

I know I haven't posted much recently (and aim to post my last weekly update of 2019 tomorrow - if I remember), so hope you've all had a good time.  I had a good Christmas day with my husband and girls, but was ill on Boxing Day, recovered the next day but because I hadn't done much I was literally awake all night.  It did mean I got to finish yet another book (ooh, did I mention, my husband got me a new kindle for Christmas!?), so I'm even further behind writing up my reviews.

I have today joined Goodreads, as I was prompted by my Kindle (I've since learned that Amazon now owns goodreads, so that'll be why), so that'll be yet another outlet for me to bore share my reviews with everyone.  As I had to write 20 reviews in order to get recommendations from goodreads, and I wanted them sooner rather than later, I have slightly skewed my results by adding all the book reviews from here all on to there dated today, but at least in the future the timing should be more realistic.  I can also see that you can set a target of the number of books to read in a year, and I don't know whether to be conservative (20) or challenge myself (50) or choose a more realistic number in the middle.  When I'm in a 'reading mood', I can read a book a day - especially if I'm on holiday.  However, I know that when I read my classic (I aim to read one a year), it often takes me much longer than I would guess, due to the old language or simply because it's more verbose than many contemporary books.

Then, there's new years resolutions to think about.  I've decided I'm not going to make any - not one.
I don't keep them - they just are another stick to beat myself with, so I'm not going to resolve to do anything different.  I want to lose weight, in order to have DIEP, but if it means I have to have implants instead, so be it.  I would like to lose weight, but would rather spend time with my children creatively, than worrying about keeping things tidy so I had space to exercise.  And we've not long gone past the shortest day of the year (in terms of daylight, not hours - that's in Spring) and I still feel good.  I have been talking with my therapist about stopping sessions, and I feel like that won't be detrimental to me.  I haven't yet conquered my emotional eating, but when it happens and I put on weight (you'll see tomorrow, just how much...) I don't berate myself and have huge guilt leading to another binge.  So, that's progress!  I also have bought another version of year-in-a-Bible and am looking forward to that again from the 1st.  I am hoping my younger daughter will permit me to read it to her, because I have decided to try The Message translation (ie one with much more contemporary language).

So that's my round up of the past week or so.  I now need to find out why my Snowball keeps separating? Yuck!  Next time, I'll just drink the Advocaat neat, I think! Cheers xx

People are funny

...weird, that is, not funny haha.  Though I am laughing about it all.  Luckily I'm in a good place mentally, so I can laugh about it; otherwise I fear what it would have done to my mental health.

In this blog I have posted much about my life, on lots of different topics.  I know I swerve from 'the norm' on some things - I'm a Christian, I home educate, I consider myself a naturist, and most recently I voted against the winners of the general election.  Within this blog, though I generally use it for book reviews and for tracking my failure to lose weight, I have posted the occasional more controversial topic.  Yet, it is a post that I thought was pretty middle of the road that has caused a bigger reaction than I expected!

I posted this directly on my Facebook Page in response to the result of the election.  I admit that my tongue was in my cheek when I suggested that the electorate were stupid, selfish or both, but did use the qualifier 'may' and pointed out that it's an opinion not a fact.
The rest of the post, however, was talking about how to help people in the coming days, months and years because I think a Tory government is not good for society, and does not have people's (especially poor people's) best interests at heart.
Finally, as I get prompted by FB on every post I write, I thought this may be a relevant one to actually add a donate button to.  I don't know you, I am not telling you you must donate, I am not saying reading my blog is on the condition of donating, but is something you could choose to do should you wish.  I chose the Trussell Trust because it is an organisation that has food banks nationally around the country.  I could have chosen a food bank that was local to me, but given that I know I have readers all around the country, and indeed around the world, I figured they wouldn't care about a food bank in my little town.

At time of writing, this post on FB has currently got 114 reactions (yey!), 57 comments, and 17 shares!  I naively thought that if people didn't like what I had to say (though as I've said, I didn't think it was controversial) they'd just scroll past and ignore.  There's so much that comes up on my FB newsfeed, that even from pages that I usually like, there is the odd post that doesn't resonate so I simply move on.  If it's a page I haven't 'liked' on FB, unless there was something absolutely ridiculous and needs refuting, if I don't agree with a post I'll either scroll past or at worst, hide it from my newsfeed.

You can probably tell where I'm going with this!  when I woke up Saturday morning, I was surprised to see that I had upset someone by choosing the Trussell Trust to donate to.  In that thread of conversation I was repeatedly told "you really are an idiot"; a different person said "coming to your page with insults, you started your diatribe with the very same insults, because you and millions of other moaners lost an election."  though in an interesting twist these two people then started arguing with each other.  Other comments, in response to my post: "Accept the result and stop preaching to the rest of us. You come across narrow minded, judgemental and bigoted."  being a Christian, I've sat in my fair share of sermons, and reckon I could preach with the best of them; this wasn't it.  Here I was just trying to suggest that people are kind to each other - clearly I failed! Finally (again, at point of writing), I'm told "You are stupid and selfish." Not one to normally boast, but having a Masters degree in Engineering Science from the University of Oxford (and I do have friends who read this blog, who were at uni with me - I'm not lying), I can categorically say I am not stupid.  I may not understand some things, or may lack knowledge in certain areas, but I hold my hands up and am honest if that is the case.  Similarly, I don't think I'm selfish [often. I think everyone, including me, is selfish at times.  I try my best to override that part of myself, and with God's help, I can manage it sometimes], nor do I think it selfish of me to say that we should be kind and love one another.  Surely that's common sense and part of being a good person?

Oh well, you live and learn.  People are funny weird, and I can laugh at it all.

Edited to add some more comments:
Very funny! Begging for our money to line your own pocket, just like many others! Try working for your money like we do!  As much as I wish I was paid for writing my opinions, I'm not, so receive all this abuse for free.
 if you want people to be kind how about giving it a go your self!   In reaction to not understanding the words 'may' or 'just an opinion'.
Your post insults a lot of hard working, decent people   Other than a tongue in cheek comment, that already has been clarified, I fail to see where I have insulted people, but suggesting a few things.

Oh well, you can't please everyone!

Weekly Update No49

My weight started to decrease this week!  Well, until I had a binge day on Sunday, and accidentally ate too much today, but the graph is still looking good.

I need to empty the freezers as we're coming up to Christmas, and I have a lot of frozen fruit and veg, so I plan to make smoothies for lunch the next few days.  Even with almond milk (I sometimes make water-based ones, but have some milk to use up), they should be a 'good' number of calories, and filling too.

However, as it is the Christmas season, I have a few meals out, drinks etc planned.  On Friday, there's a Presents and Puddings evening with ladies from my church.  We'll all be round a friend's house, sharing various desserts, and having a Secret Santa gift swap game (where you can 'steal' someone else's present, but similarly, yours can also be 'stolen').  Then Saturday I'm going to London to have lunch (and a few drinks!) with girls from uni.  I last saw them in September, so it'll be good to see them again.

Weekly Update No48

Oooh, it's been a full week since I last posted,  I can't remember the last time that happened (holidays excepting).  Actually, it's been longer, as I'm two days late posting this.  Oh well.

I have kept up tracking for a second week!
My average has stabilised, and my weight has flattened out.  Considering we're coming up to Christmas, and I'm not stopping what I'm eating, it's no bad thing that it has.  Now it's December, I'm watching Christmas films and eating mince pies; enjoying myself, but tracking.

I probably should try and do something to kick-start the weightloss again.  Even if I lose weight one week and stabilise the next, over time I could lose a lot of weight, and that is a good thing.

Weekly Update No47

So, last week I started again (again, again...) and was motivated to change some habits.
The first habit I'm trying to change, rather than my eating, is my tracking.  And, I have kept it up a week - yay!

Ok, a week isn't very long, but it's a start.  And it has had an impact on my weight, which is quite impressive since I haven't modified what I've been eating, and have been out for out for a night with a friends, and a meal out with other friends on a different day.

Looking at the numbers, there's only a kilo or two lost in the extremes, with some daily fluctuation in between, but for zero effort, I'll take that.
Just need to keep it up another week.

Weekly Update No44

I'm still not weighing myself. I feel like I'm slowly losing all the 2B Mindset principles, which is a shame as in theory, it should work.  Whether it's will-power or I simply don't care enough, I don't know, but it should work.

Anyway, whatever the reasons, I've stopped weighing myself.  It does mean (obviously) I have no idea how much I weigh, whether I'm losing weight or gaining it.  I have also stopped writing 3 things I'm grateful for each day, but that's a bad thing, so I'm consciously going to start doing that again (as soon as I've finished this post!). Part of the problem has been that I usually write it before bed, but I've been so busy recently and so tired that as soon as I go upstairs I fall asleep.

This half term I have been driving up and back to Malvern almost every day for yet another dance festival.  My girls did well, though, and came back with 2 medals each: 1 gold, 1 bronze and 2 fourth place medals. 

So, now I'm back home, and DD1 is back in school, I'm trying to get back into the routine of things with DD2. I am currently waiting for a Tesco order to be delivered, so I can make some tasty soups and other meals.  We're watching David Attenborough's Life on Netflix over a late breakfast, and are planning to do some chemistry and algebra today.

Weekly Update No42

A day late again this week; just a quick one today.  I actually have a few different things I want to post about eg book reviews, but don't have much time atm.  I'm also aware that I've let some Welsh HErs down for not having time to finish my responses to the Welsh HE consultation, and for that I can only apologise.  Real life does sometimes get in the way.  Sometimes I have time to keep on top of things, and sometimes I don't.

I have lost the tiniest amount of weight over this past week (think ounces), so rather than revelling in weight lost, I'm assuming it's natural fluctuation.  I need to start making soups and things in the slow cooker again, as that will help me lose weight, and mean I don't have to spend as much time cooking.

Weekly Update No39

It's amazing how simply feeling better in my head, has an impact on my weight.

This week, I have been out for dinner and had dessert, I have eaten plenty of cakes and biscuits, I have snacked and not really thought about what I have been eating.  Yet, I have still lost over a kilo since last week.

What I have been doing differently, is in addition to writing 3 things I'm grateful for each day, on the advice of my therapist I have added an extra line: writing one thing I value or like about myself.  I'll write more about this in a different post, but this has been more challenging than looking for things I'm thankful for.  And I have only been doing it less than a week, and I already want to start repeating myself (which is an added challenge I've set myself, rather than someone else saying it for me).

I am slowly making some better choices - last night for dinner, I made a delicious salad, and remembered to 'water' down the salad dressing with vinegar so that it coats all the leaves easier and is fewer calories.  I have also made plans to Body Groove with a friend.  We can only do fortnightly, but once a fortnight is still better than doing nothing other than sitting on my arse all day.

Right now, even though I've just consumed two Oreos and a latte for breakfast, I'm feeling positive about the week ahead.

Weekly Update No37

If you saw my post last Friday, you will see that I hit my lowest weight for over a year!

My weight has gone up slightly since then, as I always put on weight over the weekend, but it is still lower than this time next week.  It is in my nature to celebrate using food, so I am fighting against myself, as half my head is saying that I deserve to eat a shed-load of cake because I have lost some weight, and the more sensible half knows that is a sure-fire way to go up in weight again.

I am managing to not eat too much for tea.  I need to buy more fruit so I can have that as snacks, instead of sugary cereal bars, but overall I don't think I'm eating too badly atm.

I've hit a new low

No, not like that!

My weight is the lowest for over a year! Yey! 

As I've said recently, the things that I'm doing differently are 1. drinking [flavoured] coffee [with syrup] in the morning; 2. having a breakfast of porridge [with syrup] in the morning; and 3. not eating dinner in the evening if I'm not hungry.  Last night I came home from tutoring at 9:30pm and had a breakfast bar before taking the girls to bed.  I didn't need to eat anything more.

Yesterday I managed to tidy the living room, with DD2's help, because we had a prayer meeting here during the day, and everyone else's homes are always so tidy.  But, now that it is tidy, I actually have space to start doing Body Groove again.  I do enjoy dancing - even just around my living room, so hopefully next week I can start fitting that into my days again.  I don't want to do it today because we have an electrician coming round to fit a smart meter, though if he arrives early, maybe I'll be able to do some afterwards.

So yes, my weight is the lowest for a year.  When I announce my weightloss, it is less impressive - I am only down 3 kilos since October 1st last year, but that is just short of half a stone, and it's all progress.

Weekly Update No35

After camping I had put on weight, but I have lost is again now.  Interestingly (or not), but
unsurprisingly, since I started blogging last September, I haven't lost any weight at all. Clearly my random method of stop, start, stop start, quit, start again, stop, sod it, start again, give up... isn't working for me.

As DD1 is starting school this week (Wed!!!) I'll need to do her a packed tea every night, as otherwise she won't be able to eat before she rushes off to dancing (she'll be having school dinners during the day).  I'm going to make Mondays (or Tuesdays this week) my cooking day, and cook meals that can easily be reheated for the rest of the week.  Hopefully that will encourage me to eat healthier foods, especially if I prep veg and salads ready in the fridge.  I may even get DD2 to join me with the cooking as part of her HE.

Weekly Update No33

This week has been an up and down week, but I have lost weight overall.I got down to my lowest weight for a few months (93.7kg) on two consecutive days, but am now back up to 94kg.

Tomorrow we are going camping for a week, and I don't know what my food intake is going to be.  I'll have to research healthy foods that will keep when we don't have a fridge and try to find ways of eating veggies most. (We do have an electric cool box, that acts a bit like a fridge, but doesn't keep everything as cool so food still spoils quicker.)

Weekly Update No32

I did put on weight on holiday - about half a stone.  But the holiday was really good, and I didn't eat ridiculously, just spent a lot of time laying down reading.  Even when in the pool, apart from when I was taking part in 'Aquagym', the pool was too crowded to do any swimming, and my girls just wanted to play and splash about.

I have lost weight since I returned last Wednesday, however that was because of two unfortunate incidents.
Firstly, on the Thursday, I was struck down with a 24hour tummy bug - actually, both the girls were ill as well as me - so I didn't eat anything for that day, other than drinking plenty of water and I ate some toast when I was finally starting to even contemplate food again.

Then, yesterday, I was struck by crippling stomach pain again. About lunchtime, despite not having eaten anything, I became 'aware' of my stomach. My husband suggested it might be because I was hungry. We went out for lunch and I ate a delicious salad, but couldn't finish it, as my stomach was hurting.  All afternoon I was uncomfortable and the pain was getting worse.  By bed-time I took some paracetamol, but couldn't sleep because of the pain and discomfort.  I saw 2am come and go before I finally managed to get some rest. After the previous occurrence in April, I did make an appointment with the doctor.  He agreed with my assessment that it was likely to be either gallstones or a stomach ulcer, and he referred to to have an ultrasound.  If that came up clear, I would need to be referred for an endoscopy.  The ultrasound was clear, so it's unlikely to be gallstones, but I've yet been unable to get to see a GP to be get the next referral.I have even tried getting a phone appointment and been unsuccessful.  I thought (naively hoped) that maybe the pain would miraculously have stopped, so I didn't pursue it as much as I could have, but then last night the pain returned. Ouch.

Looking on the positive side, I have lost most of the weight I had put on over the holiday.
I feel like I can't plan meals too far ahead because we might be going camping next week.  We often go to the same place at the end of August, but we haven't booked yet.  I do have smoothies in the fridge, so will get back to drinking those, and try to only drink a portion at a time, rather than a whole bottle...

Why don’t I like myself?

Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx

She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”

This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.

The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.

Weekly Update No30

I've lost a bit more weight! Only about half a pound, but it all adds up.

I've had a good mental-health week, and so it is easy to lose weight, as I haven't really tried.  The main thing has been that when I didn't need a meal, I didn't eat.  Simple.  So last night, after having a big lunch, I only had a couple of slices of French bread for dinner.  And on Friday, even though I was looking forward to having a Miller and Carter Steak in the evening (my girls were out dancing, and my husband away with work, so I was looking forward to good food and a good book), I was again, too full from lunch, so rather than going out and spending money on a steak which I would then force down because I had paid for it, I stayed in instead.  (Admittedly I did eat a whole tub of ice cream in front of the TV, but it was one of those "150kCals in 1/2 a tub" ones, so I didn't feel guilty about eating the whole thing, because it would have been less calories than the steak dinner.)

I'm going on holiday later this week, all-inclusive, but am going to try and make sensible food choices.  Last year, I went away for a fortnight and didn't put on weight at all, despite eating whatever I wanted, and drinking most of the day as I followed the 2B Mindset.  I'd be happy to replicate that this time, though obviously it does depend what the buffet choices are.

Weekly Update No29

I have lost a little weight!  Not much, but a lost weight at the start of last week, and then kept constant weight for the rest of the week.  Considering I hadn't been feeling great and had been eating everything in sight, that's a win!

I am feeling better than I was last week, so thank you for your thoughts, prayers and messages.  I have some great friends, and though I still don't think I'm worthy of you, I thank God for you.  And I am seeing a counsellor for the first time this morning.  I don't really know what to expect, but it's a free session so we'll see.  At least I'm doing something proactive, which will hopefully turn my life to the better.

I am still having smoothies for breakfast/lunch (I drink them slowly so they last from 11am to 3 or 4pm).  I have had a couple of takeaways over the weekend, which was a bit naughty.  I'll be cooking properly tonight.  My husband is away with work for the week, so it's just me and the girls.  They have planned the food we'll be eating this week, but it's not all bad.  Yes there are hotdogs on one day (proper sausages for me and DD2, and yucky frankfurters for DD1), but there's also spaghetti and meatballs on another, and a few days they need packed tea due to their dancing.

Weekly Update No28

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Yes, this is how I started last week's update, because I need to do everything I said I was going to do last week.

My MH dropped at the end of last week.  Not because of my failure to lose weight, but that contributed to it.  I feel like a fraud and that I don't have any worth.  

On the positive side, I actually called out for help - in a way.  I put a vague status update on FB asking for prayers.  But I did get the help and validation I needed and I feel better this morning.  It's easy to pretend, especially on social media, but we all need help sometimes.  Me especially. I can't even answer "how are you?" honestly, even if I know the other person would want to hear the truth.

I am drinking smoothies for lunches, and I have been all week.  I do tend to get really hungry around 5pm, though, which is when I crave foods not conducive to weightloss, and to which I have been giving in too easily.  I need to get back to meal planning properly.  My cleaner has come back now, so my kitchen is reasonably clean, which means I don't really have an excuse not to cook more.

Weekly Update No26

(Yes, for those keeping count, there was no No25.)

I've been on holiday, so haven't lost weight.  No surprises there.  I do need to start thinking about what I shove in my gob, and how much exercise I'm [not] doing. My husband is calorie counting, and it's working for him - he's now halfway towards my ultimate target goal, whereas I'm still bobbling over 93kg.

Our cleaner had an operation so wasn't working for over 6 weeks. She's back now, so hopefully this'll encourage me to keep the house and kitchen tidy, which in turn will encourage me to start cooking proper/healthy food again. I having been having smoothies, but I think I need to make more of an effort to only have 1 portion at specified times, rather than drinking a whole bottle over the day (where a bottle is 3 portions of smoothies, or 5 portions of the juices!).  Calorie-wise they are not "too much", but clearly I need to consume even less, and generally be more in control.

So here we are again, halfway through the year, determining to do better.
I am convinced that half the battle is in the mind, so as long as I don't give up, but accept my mistakes as mistakes and move on, then I haven't failed.