Feeling like shit

Bit of a frank post this one.  I've been feeling like shit recently.  A combination of lots of things, including the fact that I ran out of antidepressants on Monday.  I ordered more last week, and thought I had a week's grace, but obviously not. As it takes 4 working days for repeats to be fulfilled, I was only able to collect more on Thursday.

My weight is also increasing.  As I'm an emotional eater, my response to this is to shovel more crap into my pie-hole.  Part of me is curious whether I can actually make it to 100kg?  Anther part of me wonders how high I can make my weight? And the sensible part of me tells me that's a crap idea, I need to lose weight as it is (because I need to have surgery in a couple of years, not just general health reasons), and I'm stupid for even thinking otherwise.

I'm meant to be a 2B Mentor, but I can't even sort out my own head.  I wanted to do the Body Groove Facilitator Training at the end of this month, but thankfully saved my money, as I'm not even managing to do 10min dancing a day, let alone claim to be able to get others dancing.  It is something I would like to do one day, maybe they're next offering it in the UK, but my head isn't there yet.

I watched Isn't it Romantic? last night: "After hitting her head, an architect who hates romantic comedies wakes up to find her unremarkable life has become a dazzling, cliché-driven rom-com".  It was really enjoyable, but made me realise that I don't love myself.  I don't even like myself half the time.  I'm amazed I have friends at all, as I can be so clingy and melancholy at times << I'm hoping that's the depression talking, though it feels very real.

One good thing to come from this slump, is that I haven't got angry!  I always thought, and it seemed to be in the past, that if I came off my ADs, then my temper would run riot.  Actually, it hasn't been the case at all.  I haven't argued with DD1 once this week.  All my anger has turned inwards on myself, which is probably what you'd expect with standard depression.  I did think about going to the chemist/doctors to try and get my medication early since I had run out, but I couldn't convince myself that I was worth it.

I have lost weight before, and I know I can do it again.  But I also know that my head has to be in the right place.  Previously, my weightloss was kickstarted because I had HG when pregnant, causing me to lose 3 stone in the first trimester.  After that pregnancy, I lost a bit more weight, before becoming pregnant again, and managed to lose even more, so I was comfortably down to 64kilos.  That is where I would like to go again.  The 'diet' I used (inverted commas, because it was a lifestyle change) was based on the book Fat Burner Foods by Dr Caroline Schreeve.  It was low carb, high fruit and veg, and high amount of liquids/soup throughout the day too. It showed me that I really don't have to eat very much at all, to stay full and satisfied.  I seem to have lost that along the way.

A few years ago, I was making smoothies daily for breakfast or lunch, and though I didn't lose much weight, I felt much healthier and better in myself, as well as being fitter (I was exercising more then too).  Right now, I have tried to pre-prepare salads and vegetables, I have bought fruit with the honest intention of eating them, but I am wasting lots of food.  Not in the worst way, as I do compost, so it's not just going straight to landfill, but still a waste of food and money.

So what am I doing about it?
Spending even more money of course...

The Core is a raw food and juice bar that also offers programmes. Right now, I don't seem to have the mental function for making food for lunch or dinner (I'm not sleeping well, so am not even waking up for breakfast!), so having everything ready made will be good for me.  I'll be doing the standard 'Juice Programme' and have not yet decided whether I am going to stick to liquids alone, or whether I will need some food alongside, but we'll see how we do.

Now I have started taking my medication again, I hope that this increase in nutrition will kick-start my body into behaving and give me more energy, and help me make the needed steps in the right direction.

Edited to add: I wrote this yesterday and took an AD when I received them in the afternoon.  In the evening, my husband commented how much happier I'd seemed.  It's kinda scary (but good!) how fast/much they affect me.
Last night I even slept well, not waking up until this morning!