Stomach Pain

Another sleepless night of stomach pain last night, means I'm feeling absolutely knackered.

I get stomach pain every few months, and it hurts!  The best way to describe it, is that it feels like I have been skewered right through my stomach to my back with a javelin that someone keeps turning and twisting.

I can't remember when it started, but I know that when I was fed up of it, I started a food diary, in the hope that I would see a pattern, be able to attribute it to a certain food, or type, and do without.  Unfortunately, the first date was back in Feb 2014 and now we're 5 years later, with no rhyme nor reason to it.  So, up til now, I haven't been to the GP about it, because I don't know what they'll say.  The pain only usually lasts for a max of 24 hours, and then I can go months without a recurrence (usually, though sometimes it does come back within a week).  Coincidentally, I booked a GP appt yesterday for something else, so will talk about it then, even though the appt is not for another FIVE WEEKS because, as you've read before, since a takeover, getting an appt at my surgery is crap.  I predict at the appt, I'll be asked if I'm currently in pain? No. The doc'll examine my stomach and find nothing wrong.  I'll show my food diary, and they'll be no pattern, and eventually it'll be my fault I'm in pain because I'm obese and don't always eat well.

When I'm in that much pain, I can't sleep, and curling into a ball helps a little, but not that much, even when taking paracetamol.  Last night, I decided, yet again, to see what NHS online says.

WARNING: Please do not try to self diagnose yourself at home.  Whilst Dr. Google knows a lot, he cannot replace going to a real GP.

That said, that's exactly what I did.

I did try to go to reputable websites, such as the NHS, rather than randomly searching the internet and getting horror stories, so it's not all bad.  I've come up with two reasonable diagnoses, one less common, and two much rarer, but possible because of my history, diagnoses.

Firstly, I went through the questionnaire on NHS online of current symptoms.  Their advice was to see a GP, asap so they can examine you when you still have the pain.  Not much help to me, when the first available appt isn't for 5 weeks.  I didn't make an "emergency appointment" this morning (ie to be on the phone on hold for a couple of hours, in the vain attempt of securing a same day appt, before being told there are none left and try again tomorrow) because both DD1 and DD2 have Modern and Tap exams today, at separate times of course, spread throughout the day, so I have no free time for an appt, even if I wanted one.  If the pain flairs up again tomorrow, I might try and get an appt, but both those scenarios (1. still being in pain, and 2. getting an appt) are unlikely.

So, my five self diagnoses are:

1. Stomach ulcer.
NHS says "The pain caused by a stomach ulcer can travel out from the middle of your tummy, yo to your neck, down to your belly button, or through to your back.  It can last a few minutes to a few hours, and often starts within a few hours of eating.  You may also wake up in pain during the night."
That pretty much sums up what I've been experiencing, though I've never had it last only a few minutes.  In order for it to be diagnosed, I might need to give a breath or blood test, or even have a gastroscopy in hospital - which doesn't sound fun. I've only recently (well, now I think about it, it was 7 years ago, but still feels recent) learned how to swallow tablets, so don't relish the thought of swallowing a camera.

2. Gallstones
NHS says "Gallstones can cause sudden, sever abdominal pain that usually lasts 1 to 5 hours, although sometimes it can just last a few minutes. The pain can be felt in the centre of your abdomen (tummy); just under the pribs on your right-hand side - it may spread from here to your side or shoulder blade. The pain is constant and isn't relieve by going to the toilet, passing wind or being sick.  It's sometimes triggered by eating fatty foods, but may occur at any time of day and may wake you up during the night.  Biliary colic doesn't happen often.  After and episode of pain, it may be several weeks or months before you have another episode."
Again, this seems to describe what I've been experiencing.  The main thing that thinks it may not be what I have, is that a friend suffered with this recently.  She is someone who has given birth 5 times, without anything stronger than gas'n'air, and said the pain was worse than child-birth.

3. Pancreatitis
NHS says "The most common symptom of chronic pancreatitis is repeated episodes of severe pain in your tummy (abdomen).  The pain usually develops in the middle or left side of your tummy and can move along your back. It's different to acute pancreatitis, where the inflammation is only short term.  Most people with chronic pancreatitis have had one or more attacks of acute pancreatitis": "This aching pain often gets steadily worse, and can travel along your back.  Eating or drinking make make you feel worse very quickly, especially if you eat fatty foods.  Leaning forward or curling into a ball may help to relieve the pain, but lying flat on your back often makes it worse. Acute pancreatitis caused by gallstones usually develops after eating a large meal."
Not only this, my paternal grandmother died from Acute Pancreatitis, and there is suggestion that a tendency for pancreatitis can be hereditary.

4. Pancreatic Cancer
NHS says: "Pancreatic Cancer is caused by the abnormal and uncontrolled growth of cells in the pancreas - a large gland that's part of the digestive system.  It's uncomon in people under 40 years of age.  In the early stages, a tumour in the pancreas doesn't usually cause any symptos, which can make it difficult to diagnose.  The first noticeable symptom of pancreatic cancer [is] often pain in the back or stomach area - which may come and go at first, and is often worse when lying down or after eating. In about 1 in 10 cases, pancreatic cancer is inherited.  Certain genes also increase your chances of getting pancreatitis, which in turn increases your risk of developing cancer of the pancreas."
Guess what having the BRCA mutation is good for?! According to the National Centre for Biotechnology Information, "Germline mutations in the tumour suppressor genes breast cancer antigen gene (BRCA)1 and BRCA2 have been proven to portend a drastically increased lifetime risk of breast and ovarian cancers in the individuals who carry them. A number of studies have shown that the third most common cancer associated with these mutations is pancreatic cancer."
Yey for me! 

5. Peritoneal Cancer
This is a much rarer type of cancer, so I can't find it in the info pages from the NHS site I was using previously.  It is a cancer of the peritoneum, and full details can be found on this Target Ovarian Cancer link: "Many women are told that primary peritoneal cancer is a type of ovarian cancer and is usually treated in the same way.  However, it does not  originate in the ovaries but in a different part of the body called the peritoneum." And yes, having the BRCA1 mutation does mean I'm at a higher risk of getting this type of cancer too.  Cancer Reasearch UK says: "Symptoms for primary peritoneal cancer can be very unclear and difficult to spot. Many of the symptoms are more likely to be caused by other medical conditions.

The symptoms of PPC include:

• a swollen tummy (abdomen)
• abdominal pain
• feeling bloated
• loss of appetite"

Now, because I have been running around all day (well, back and forth to the dance studios) because of the girls' exams, it has taken me a long time to finish writing this blog post.  My stomach finally feels nearly back to normal.  I managed to eat chicken, rice and salad at lunch time.  I bought the girls a cake to celebrate the end of their exams, but the smell of it makes me wary about the effect it will have on my stomach, so though I probably will have the thinnest of slices (I'm a sucker for butter icing), my appetite isn't quite there yet.

Weekly Update No6

Recently it was Groundhog Day (February 2nd) – a date when if a groundhog emerges from it's burrow and sees its shadow then winter will last another 6 weeks, otherwise spring arrive early. In the UK, it’s not something I’d heard of until I saw the film Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. In the film, a TV weatherman repeats the same day, over and over, until he falls in love with Andie MacDowell’s character, and crucially, she falls in love with him too.

That’s how my life had been, regarding trying to lose weight. I’m a fairly intelligent woman, I went to a good uni, studying a “difficult” subject (inverted commas because all courses at Oxford would be hard), and yet I make the same mistakes over and over. My intelligent/rational brain knows I’m doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results and therefore failing over and over. My emotional/non-intelligent side, optimistically thinks it’ll be different this time, and for some reason is surprised every time I fail.

So this past week, I have gained weight. Who would have known that, by not doing shopping for fresh veg, I would opt for takeaways and convenience food, rather than cooking “freezer surprise” because I don’t know what I’m eating? It’s not as if I’ve already written a blog post, after having made this mistake in the past… is it? Here, or here, or even here...

So, I’m going to aim to maintain this week. I still need to do a food shop; that will have to be arranged for tomorrow. This week is also peppered with dance exams, so lots of it I’m out and about, there will be convenience food, and DD2 especially wants a cake for each exam. At this point I time, do I honestly think I can resist not having a cake with her, for each exam? I’m firmly in self-sabotage mood in the moment. My house is a state, I feel like I’m too busy atm, too much running in my head to even think about what food I could and should be eating. So, maintain is the aim of the game. I will try and make good choices where I can, and not worry too much about the times where I can’t. If I make a mistake, it doesn’t have to ruin the whole day, or the week, or even say “the diet has failed”. It was a mistake in one moment, learn and move on.

I just have to learn, how to learn….

Why is Feminist a dirty word?

I read this article yesterday about why young women don’t call themselves feminists. This really annoyed me, because it’s just so stupid.

Feminism is defined by Google’s dictionary as “the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes”. Simply put, feminism just means women are not second class citizens, and in all honesty everybody should consider themselves feminists. We are now in the 21st Century, and women still have lesser pay than men, still are not promoted as often as men, still are expected to carry out the bulk of the chores at home and certainly carry the mental load for running a home.

Not only that, there are many circumstances where women cannot act as a man would, for fear of their own safety: running alone, especially at night; drinking alcohol or wearing a short skirt on a night out; even getting in a taxi is fraught with worry as women are expected to “take control” by taking a photo of the number plate and taxi license, for fear the driver is up to no good. [And yes, I do acknowledge that there are would-be attackers of men, too. I am not denying that. However, when a man is attacked, the first questions are not: Was he drinking? or What was he wearing? When a man is attacked the blame is firmly, and rightly, on the attacker. Women don’t have that privilege.]

Some of the reasons for not associating with feminists are because of stereotypes – the butch, man-hating, bra-burning lesbian. But even if that retort was thrown at you for calling yourself a feminist, so what? 

What does “butch” even mean? Again using Google’s dictionary (which I wish had a direct link, so I didn’t have to write it out in full each time), butch is defined as “having an appearance or other qualities of a type traditionally seen as masculine”. Now, I’m not usually one to blow my own trumpet, but when I was at uni, one of my friends created a masculinity quiz, and as a football loving, beer drinking, independent woman studying engineering, you’d be unsurprised to hear that I ranked higher on the masculinity scale than some of my male friends. Yet, I am not butch. I have chunky thighs, admittedly, but no strength in my arms at all, and I do like to wear a nice dress.

Man-hating is just silly. Lifting women up and empowering them so that they achieve the same levels and possibilities as a man, is not hating men in any shape or form. As a happily married woman, to a man, I can confirm that I have no desire to see the male sex downtrodden in any way. I just also happen to think women should not be downtrodden either.

As for bra-burning…? Well, any woman who says they don’t want to burn their bra, either has a medical condition, is so endowed that it causes back pain to not wear one, or is lying. Bras are uncomfortable. And yes, I have been measured properly. No, not by M&S. Talking with friends one day, a friend politely suggested that I was not the size I thought I was, and they were right. After being measured correctly, my cup size did miraculously increase by 4 sizes overnight. The new bra is undoubtedly much more comfortable than my old one, and I no longer suffer from ‘double boobs’; but at the end of the day, it is such a comfort to get home and remove my bra. In fact, not wearing a bra, is one of the reasons why when I do have my PBM, I do not want my nipples spared nor reconstructed. Summer days of Tshirts without a bra underneath – bliss!

Lastly, lesbianism. Really? Is that the best you can do? Whether it’s something you identify with or not, even if you are someone who considers it to be sinful, how can being a lesbian be any more of an insult than calling me out for being heterosexual? [Now, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be upset for being insulted because of their sexuality; and I am fully aware of the privilege I’ve had because I am heterosexual. What I’m trying to say, and clearly failing as I have written and deleted these past sentences multiple times, is that we need to move away from society thinking that is an ‘allowed’ insult.]

Things do seem to be changing, albeit slowly, thanks in part to social media and various hashtags like #IamAFeminist #ThisisWhatAFeministLooksLike and #EverydaySexism. Various celebrities, male and female, are being more prominent and calling themselves feminists. Slowly, men are starting to call each other out on their behaviour.  Things are improving, but there is still a definite need for feminism.

Feminism is not a dirty word.

I am a feminist and I hope you are one too.

Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb

This past week I have been really busy, so I hadn't finished reading my 50 chapters of the Bible, which in turn meant I hadn't read as much of my current fiction book as I would have liked.  Not only that, but once a year (roughly) I read a Classic, as there are many great books that I haven't read.  However, as it the case with this one, the language is slightly old fashioned so requires a bit more concentration than some of the easier to read books, so that makes me read it even slower.

So, I thought I would give a review of a book (and series) that I have read in the past.  I only discovered this author around 5 years ago, because the first book which I'll review below, was free on Kindle.  As I've said in previous book reviews, most the books I have are free - and then I get hooked and end up buying the rest of the series, as I did in this case.  Then I read through all the books of all the series so fast (even with books by other authors in between) that I ended up waiting and having to pre-order the final book back in 2017.  These books were so good, that I still remember all the stories and characters and think of them as part of my life.  (Yes, I am sad/geeky enough that when I read a good book it impacts me deeply.)

This 'series' of books, is actually a collection of 5 trilogies (where one trilogy is actually a tetralogy...).  Whilst the trilogies can be read in any order, I just happened to read them in the correct order, and so I would recommend that.  I will list them all below, in order, and you can make your mind up yourself.

The first book, of The Farseer Trilogy, is called Assassin's Apprentice.  It starts when a young boy, Fitz - named because he is the bastard son of a royal - is removed from him home and taken to the castle.  As the illegitimate son of a prince, Fitz is sent to be looked after by the stableman Burrich.  Eventually, Fitz meets the mysterious Chade, the royal assassin, who trains Fitz up in his art.


The blurb says:

The kingdom of the Six Duchies is on the brink of civil war when news breaks that the crown prince has fathered a bastard son and is shamed into abdication. The child’s name is Fitz, and his is despised.

Raised in the castle stables, only the company of the king’s fool, the ragged children of the lower city and his unusual affinity with animals provide Fitz with any comfort.

To be useful to the crown, Fitz is trained as an assassin; and to use the traditional magic of the Farseer family. But his tutor, allied to another political faction, is determined to discredit, even kill him. Fitz must survive: for he may be destined to save the kingdom.

This is fantasy at its best, imo.  There are kings and castles, magic and mystery, friendships and rivalries, love and battles, dragons and prophets, death and birth.  If you like any of these things in your fantasy, you'll learn to love them all, as the stories of each character is woven beautifully throughout the series.  As you read more books, you'll come to a new understanding of what happened in the earlier books and why, as revelations, twists and turns keep the story fresh and alive.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants a bit of escapism.

Here is the list of books in the series.

The Farseer Trilogy
Assassin's Apprentice
Royal Assassin
Assassin's Quest

Liveship Traders Trilogy
Ship of Magic
The Mad Ship
Ship of Destiny

The Tawny Man Trilogy
Fools Errand
The Golden Fool
Fool's Fate

The Rain Wild Chronicles
Dragon Keeper
Dragon Haven
City of Dragons
Blood of Dragons

The Fitz and the Fool Trilogy
Fool's Assassin
Fool's Quest
Assassin's Fate

Weekly Update No5

I lost half a kilo! (That's a pound, in old money.)

I'm really pleased, because it shows that even without exercise (oops...) it is possible to lose weight. 
Slowly, but surely, the weight is coming off.  I've even managed to put on a pair of jeans this morning that I was given for Christmas, that I had been scared wouldn't fit.  I did try them on shortly after Christmas, and I could get them up, but not done up, but today, they are on and comfortable! The photo is not particularly flattering, but is the best DD1 could manage.

I haven't done the shopping for this week yet, but still have lots of salad left from last week, as well as a freezer full of food.  I like cooking in bulk and storing food in the freezer, but then I forget it's there, or worse, the label or pen comes off, and I don't know what it is.  So, I think this week will be full of "freezer surprise" - a meal we usually have once a week, where you defrost something from the freezer without knowing what it is, and serve up with salad or veg, and sometimes rice or potatoes. Yum! lol

Invisible Children - Dispatches Ch4

[Note: I have edited this post, not to polish my raw feelings or thoughts, but because someone pointed out to me that I coloured the children's commissioner's words dark red, and the links have also appeared in red.  I have now gone through this post, and changed her words to blue.]

Before this program started, I stated: 

“I don't expect it to be balanced reporting. It's entitled "Skipping School: Britain's invisible kids" yet claims to be about home education.
Home Ed kids are NOT skipping school, because school is not compulsory. Nor are HE kids invisible - ALL children who have been deregistered from schools are KNOWN to the LA; and according to a past Chair of the Education Select Committee, Graham Stuart MP, HE children are "peculiarly visible".”

Unfortunately, my fears were far from unfounded. This post is a collection of my thoughts as I watch this program, so may not be as polished and eloquent as I hope I come across usually.

From the introduction, the program conflated welfare and education. Anne Longfield, the current children’s commissioner, has not even basic understanding of home education, nor of “children’s rights”. She made a number of statements that highlight her ignorance and I have coloured all her words blue.

There’s no such thing as “a classic home educator”. Has she asked schooled children if they want to be there? “creating own curriculum” - is she equally as anti private schools who create their own curriculum?

Success of education is NOT based on exam result – for starters, exams are not compulsory. “Should be doing GCSEs in 4 year’s time; what chance does he have?” - short-sighted nonsense. Learning is a lifelong skill. Plenty of children leave schools without qualification, and it is sad that they are so “schooled” that they think this failure is lifelong.

One statement I have made, and quote regularly is

“I think there are three dangerous lies about education that seem to be automatically be accepted as correct:

1. Learning only happens in school 

2. Learning stops at age 18 

3. Learning is difficult”

It is so sad and depressing that the children’s commissioner believes these fallacies!

Night School, college, OU, plenty of people who have qualifications at the “right” time, retrain and have a career change in midlife. It is a bad, old-fashioned view of education that thinks that education only happens within schools

Off-rolling – 88% councils are concerned of off-rolling – why are they chasing home educators, rather than schools?

“No matter how bad it is, I’m not convinced removing children from school is the answer” 

Contrast this to this Papyrus document that states 200 schooled children commit suicide every year!

If families are known to SS, then they are NOT invisible.  Khyra Ishaq and other supposed cases of HE – NONE of them are because of HE. They were ALL KNOWN by SS and other governmental departments. In the case of Dylan Seabridge, a retired head teacher who raised concerns a year before he died – so he was known!!! If there were welfare concerns, why weren’t SS contacted, as they DO have rights to enter the home!?!

There are already adequate powers to ensure the welfare of children - it is that services are not using them, and then blaming HomeEd as a scapegoat!

Non-registration at a school is not a “loophole” - HE is the legal default position, hence why you apply to register in school. Children are registered at birth, children are registered at death, registered at school, and registered when they emigrate. Simple maths would give the remaining number.

Illegal schools – is NOT home education, and should not be taken out on home educators. Ofsted have powers to deal with them; most home educators do not want to use schools of any kind. “This is not home education” - if she knows that it is not home education, why is she mixing them up in a program, to give home educators a bad name.

“why aren’t they at home if they are home educated?” Again, another sign of Anne's ignorance about home education, albeit said in the context of illegals schools in this instance.

“no one knows how home educators do academically” - A quick google has come up with a number of studies:

Research Literature from Home-Education.org.uk

Difference in Academic Achievement between Homeschooled and non-homeschooled students

Impact of schooling on Academic Achievement
Academic Achievement and Homeschooling

“There has to be a register of home educators” why?  what benefit will it have for home educators?

In conclusion, watch the program if you want to.  It just goes through the same old myths about HE and some blatant untruths.
I'll leave it to other bloggers who are more articulate than me, to go through each point in the program in more depth.  This was just my initial reaction from watching the program.

Feeling Refreshed

Two days at home, not because of illness, and I'm feeling really refreshed!

Yesterday was a "Snow Day", so I cancelled all the tutoring I was meant to be doing, the girls' dance lessons were cancelled and we  stayed at home.  Even my husband decided to work from home (and he does actually work when wfh, unlike when I was employed...) so we had lunch together and he was 'home' earlier than usual because of the lack of commute.

I was feeling quite emotional after my previous post, so I was glad to have the excuse to hibernate.  The girls played in the snow, and came in to play Minecraft together to warm up. We even watched more Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, and put it into practice, by helping DD1 sort through her clothes!  As she has the smallest bedroom in the house, DD1 also has the smallest furniture; and though her chest of drawers had seven drawers, they are tiny - smaller than half the size of mine.  Well, I've discovered, that by folding her pants and storing them upright I can actually fit 40 pairs in a single drawer - I didn't actually realise she had that much underwear!!

Today, the dance school was open again, but my car is only little and I don't like driving in the snow at the best of time, so I gave DD2 the option as to whether she wants to go in or not.  She chose not to, opting to finish building their snowman instead.  I spent some time in the garden with the girls and helped them with their masterpiece.  It was good to be outside and have fun as a family. In the time it took me to get my phone for a photo, the girls decided that the snow woman should be playing a flower-trumpet, but who am I to argue with their creative genius?

I've even nearly caught up on my washing, my husband has nearly caught up on the dishwashing (I control the washing machine, he controls the dishwasher) and I managed to make Slender choc chip cookies before we watched A Ripple Through Time film.  After the film we enjoyed homemade tomato soup and some more Slow Cooker Bread, which I had left to rise longer this time so was nice and fluffy.

Tomorrow we have a busy day, as the girls will have to go to their various dance lessons, they have exam practice and festival practice, as they are coming up within the next three weeks.  But right now, my husband is taking the girls to bed, and I'm relaxing on the sofa about to watch some TV.