Why don’t I like myself?

Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx

She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”

This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.

The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.

Weekly Update No30

I've lost a bit more weight! Only about half a pound, but it all adds up.

I've had a good mental-health week, and so it is easy to lose weight, as I haven't really tried.  The main thing has been that when I didn't need a meal, I didn't eat.  Simple.  So last night, after having a big lunch, I only had a couple of slices of French bread for dinner.  And on Friday, even though I was looking forward to having a Miller and Carter Steak in the evening (my girls were out dancing, and my husband away with work, so I was looking forward to good food and a good book), I was again, too full from lunch, so rather than going out and spending money on a steak which I would then force down because I had paid for it, I stayed in instead.  (Admittedly I did eat a whole tub of ice cream in front of the TV, but it was one of those "150kCals in 1/2 a tub" ones, so I didn't feel guilty about eating the whole thing, because it would have been less calories than the steak dinner.)

I'm going on holiday later this week, all-inclusive, but am going to try and make sensible food choices.  Last year, I went away for a fortnight and didn't put on weight at all, despite eating whatever I wanted, and drinking most of the day as I followed the 2B Mindset.  I'd be happy to replicate that this time, though obviously it does depend what the buffet choices are.

Your wife is hot!

An advert for air conditioning has been banned because it was deemed sexist on two counts:

1. Features a woman, and is unrelated to air conditioning
2. It's clearly talking to a man, when anybody can buy air conditioning

The owner who designed the ad said "it's only a little bit of harmless fun".

In the BBC article, one of the complainants said "The subliminal message about society is that it's ok to comment on women's bodies, and comment on women's bodies as if they are the possession of someone else - 'your wife'.  It also gives the subliminal message that it's the man of the house that's responsible for getting the air conditioning fixed."

Now, I do agree that we, as a society, need to move away from commenting on women's bodies.  It is not healthy for anybody, whether you're the one gossiping, the one being gossiped about, or someone listening or overhearing the negativity.  Women have loads of shit they need to go through just because they are a woman, and women bitching about other women is not helpful.

However, I don't think this advert is sexist.  If anything were to change, I would recommend the woman wearing full jeans, rather than hotpants, but in all honesty, in weather like we're currently experiencing (it's 31C in my town, and my conservatory has had all doors and windows open all day, states it is 44C in there!) you'd be crazy to wear full jeans if you are comfortable in shorts. (I am currently wearing long trousers, but have pulled them up, so they're as good as shorts.)

As for the complaints, the woman is hot!  I am hot, and I would LOVE my house to have air conditioning.  Please, someone tell my husband that I am hot!  While the poster could have said something like "your wife is experiencing warmer than normal temperatures and desires to be cooled down" that wouldn't be as easily read on a poster, it isn't as catchy, and frankly it is a pun on the word 'hot'. Secondly, who says they're talking to a man?  Surely, it's more sexist to assume they're talking to a man, rather than assuming that this woman could have a wife? Or are you assuming that even if the woman does have a wife, she wouldn't be able to get air con fixed as only a man can do that?

The owner has says he's considering a second ad featuring the slogan "your husband is hot", but no doubt there would be complaints about that too, because 'why should a woman take care of a man', 'men can do things themselves', 'more mental load for women' etc etc. (Actually, I do think mental load is a real and exhausting thing, but you get the point.)

So, no, I don't think this advert is sexist.
If the advert actually discussed her body, or said she has to look a certain way to be desirable or to go to the beach, then yes, I wouldn't like that advert, but simply talking about her temperature? Nah.

Weekly Update No29

I have lost a little weight!  Not much, but a lost weight at the start of last week, and then kept constant weight for the rest of the week.  Considering I hadn't been feeling great and had been eating everything in sight, that's a win!

I am feeling better than I was last week, so thank you for your thoughts, prayers and messages.  I have some great friends, and though I still don't think I'm worthy of you, I thank God for you.  And I am seeing a counsellor for the first time this morning.  I don't really know what to expect, but it's a free session so we'll see.  At least I'm doing something proactive, which will hopefully turn my life to the better.

I am still having smoothies for breakfast/lunch (I drink them slowly so they last from 11am to 3 or 4pm).  I have had a couple of takeaways over the weekend, which was a bit naughty.  I'll be cooking properly tonight.  My husband is away with work for the week, so it's just me and the girls.  They have planned the food we'll be eating this week, but it's not all bad.  Yes there are hotdogs on one day (proper sausages for me and DD2, and yucky frankfurters for DD1), but there's also spaghetti and meatballs on another, and a few days they need packed tea due to their dancing.

From Daughter to Woman by Kim McCabe

From Daughter to Woman was recommended to me by a friend because I have two daughters swiftly approaching their teenage years.

The blurb says:

The teen years are tough - for teens and for parents. Many parents dread the moodiness, dishonesty, preference of friends over family, exam stress, and the push for greater independence. Mothers have a pivotal role to play; this is a guidebook for parents and mothers of girls in particular as they navigate the rocky teenage landscape with their daughters aged 8 to 18. It aims to help them embrace the potential of their child's teenage years by marking this time of growing maturity for girls and celebrating it with them. We celebrate birth, marriage and death, but this important life-transition from child to young adult is nowadays rarely acknowledged within an appropriate community.

With mental health issues in young people on the rise, and social media, reality television and smartphone culture serving to exacerbate these problems, it is no surprise that parents are looking for help in raising their daughters through these tricky years. From Daughter to Woman is the indispensable guide to doing just that.

Having just finished this book, it was really good and it has made me think about ways to connect and reconnect with my daughters.  There is a lot in there about growing up, puberty, starting periods etc and it suggests having a coming-of-age ceremony for your daughter(s), whether that me something simple between the two of you, or a large party with everyone you know. 

I would recommend reading this when your daughters are younger (by the age of 8) so you can prepare things in your own mind.  For example, my elder daughter is 11yo and has already started her periods so all that side of thing was too late for her.  Yet, there are things I can take from the book, and the idea of a coming-of-age thing, especially as she has made the adult decision of taking control of her own education and going to school, is something I am considering and seeing what I can do over the summer, before she starts school in September.

The other striking idea from the book, is about having a collection of women to support a girl growing up (it takes a village to raise a child).  Within the book she discusses group meetings (not that we'd have time with all the dancing my kids do), but the suggestions of having some older women whom my daughters could trust and be able to confide in (especially when they have a phase where they don't want to talk to me) is a good one.  Not having brought my girls up like that, I don't know how to approach the topic with them, nor deciding who would be good to take on those roles.  But again, it is something I am now thinking about and considering.  So even if your daughters are older than mine, if they are still in the teenage years, it would be worth reading this book.

Weekly Update No28

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Yes, this is how I started last week's update, because I need to do everything I said I was going to do last week.

My MH dropped at the end of last week.  Not because of my failure to lose weight, but that contributed to it.  I feel like a fraud and that I don't have any worth.  

On the positive side, I actually called out for help - in a way.  I put a vague status update on FB asking for prayers.  But I did get the help and validation I needed and I feel better this morning.  It's easy to pretend, especially on social media, but we all need help sometimes.  Me especially. I can't even answer "how are you?" honestly, even if I know the other person would want to hear the truth.

I am drinking smoothies for lunches, and I have been all week.  I do tend to get really hungry around 5pm, though, which is when I crave foods not conducive to weightloss, and to which I have been giving in too easily.  I need to get back to meal planning properly.  My cleaner has come back now, so my kitchen is reasonably clean, which means I don't really have an excuse not to cook more.

Love Me, Dreamy by Laura Burton

It is always a privilege to be asked to review a book by an up-and-coming author.  This is the third book I have read by Laura Burton, and the third in her Love Me series (the previous two being Love Me, Crazy and Love Me, Sweetie).

Love Me, Dreamy is another cozy romance, with a paranormal twist.
The blurb says:

Sitting on a park bench, Amelia can't remember how she got there. But when a young, Californian surfer wanders up, figuring it out doesn't seem so important. The chance meeting leads to a date and then another. Sparks fly and although she never imagined falling in love with someone so much younger than her, he's perfect. 

That is... except for the strange men in black suits who keep showing up. Are they being followed? 

Toby knows a secret, but if he tells Amelia, he risks losing her forever. With the guardians set on tearing him away from her, he whisks Amelia to another part of the world. They're safe, but not for long. Their relationship is put to the ultimate test, when Toby and Amelia stand at the top of a waterfall. With only one chance to stay alive, he asks her to take a leap of faith. Amelia thinks they will surely die, but Toby insists it's the only way to be together.

As someone who reads a fair bit of fantasy/sci-fi/paranormal fiction this book was not what I was expecting.  That's not to say it is bad, not at all.  I got through the 300ish pages in a couple of days.  It was very easy to read and very enjoyable; it was just not what I expected.  I'm not going to give any spoilers because it is worth reading, but means it is hard for me to expand on what I was expecting and the actual story-line.  I just wish we could have found out a bit more about the guardians.Who are they? Why are they there? If this hasn't happened before, why are they needed in the first place? How do they travel? How do they know?  If there was to be a spin-off from this book, that is the direction I would be hoping for.

The love story between Amelia and Tody is captivating.  Toby helps Amelia discover herself, face her fears and become more spontaneous.  He is charming, being a gorgeous surfer who seems to have fallen in love at first sight, despite their age gap, and Amelia starts to fall for him too.  They travel together across the globe, and Amelia has many new experiences with her beau, until the guardians get closer and they have to make a life-changing choice: should they jump?

For those who don't normally like paranormal fiction, don't let that put you off.  It's another well-written love story that will make your heart soar.

Weekly Update No27

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Someone shared this video on FB recently:

I've seen it before and I do find it inspirational.  It makes me want to do more Body Grooving as clearly dancing is good for weightloss - I just need to keep going start again with it.  

I know that the issues I have are in my head.  

I know I can lose weight as I've done it before.

I know my goal weight of 64kg is achievable because I've done it before.

I need to get to the root cause of what is stopping me.  

I need to find my motivation again, and cement it in my head.  Whilst I don't have cancer, the idea of it is abstract, whereas I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind.  I don't want cancer - I've seen what my mum has been through.  I do want preventative surgery.  And to have the reconstruction that I want, I need to have a healthy BMI.
I need to stop giving a shit about what other people think of me, and live life on my terms, and dance if I want to dance.  When I took my girls to their dance lessons last week, I shared with some people about Body Groove, and we even did a dance in the hallway together.  It was fun! And that's despite some of the kids and the other parents laughing at us.  One parent who danced with me, even said that if I became a trainer and could offer classes whilst her child was dancing, she would come along - much like I did when a pt friend offered pt sessions at the dance studios a few years ago.

A few weeks/months ago I used the excuse that I didn't have any suitable clothing to wear, as it was too tight or too hot.  I have since bought loads of loose, groovy clothing that I am wearing as everyday wear, and could easily dance it, but I'm still not doing it.

And I need to rewatch all the 2B mindset videos.  I think part of my problem is that I get so familiar with stuff that I know the 'right' things to say, or think, but don't actually action them.  I'm clever enough to come up with the excuses as to why I don't need to stick to this or that this time, I'll do it next time; or I can justify why I really do want this cake/doughnut/alcohol, rather than holding out for my goals.

The Fourth Element Trilogy by Kat Ross

I love reading, and consuming new (to me) books, and I'm glad to be back in the habit. I am very glad to have read the Bible in 6 months, as I'd not done that before, but I think I will go back to reading it slower over a year, and having more time to read other stuff.  As I've mentioned before, I do enjoy reading classics, (having just finished Lorna Doone) but they require more concentration, whereas I relax the most when I can submerge myself into another world and devour the contents.  I read quickly, and love it when I find a book that I cannot put down.


Four days ago I started reading The Fourth Element Trilogy by Kat Ross. I chose this book(s) because I am working through all the books I have on my Kindle, and am trying to read them before I buy more, as I'm a bit of an addict.  Before my actual Kindle died (I now use Kindle app on my phone) I wrote on a sheet of paper (that ended up being 12 sides of A4) all the books I hadn't read yet, because my Amazon account doesn't actually register whether I've read a book yet, just that I've bought it.  (Or if it does, I'm not technologically minded enough to work out how to do it!)  So, I choose my books based on the title alone.  I decided to read this one because the title sounded interesting, and because it's a trilogy, I knew I wouldn't read it too fast - or so I thought...


The blurb says:

They are the light against the darkness.
The steel against the necromancy of the Druj.
And they use demons to hunt demons….

Nazafareen lives for revenge. A girl of the isolated Four-Legs Clan, all she knows about the King's elite Water Dogs is that they leash wicked creatures called daevas to protect the empire from the Undead. But when scouts arrive to recruit young people with the gift, she leaps at the chance to join their ranks. To hunt the monsters that killed her sister.

Scarred by grief, she's willing to pay any price, even if it requires linking with a daeva named Darius. Human in body, he's possessed of a terrifying power, one that Nazafareen controls. But the golden cuffs that join them have an unwanted side effect. Each experiences the other's emotions, and human and daeva start to grow dangerously close.

As they pursue a deadly foe across the arid waste of the Great Salt Plain to the glittering capital of Persepolae, unearthing the secrets of Darius's past along the way, Nazafareen is forced to question his slavery—and her own loyalty to the empire. But with an ancient evil stirring in the north, and a young conqueror sweeping in from the west, the fate of an entire civilization may be at stake…

So begins an epic story of adventure, romance and betrayal that leads to undiscovered magical realms and a final confrontation with a demon queen bent on destroying them all.

Given that I have read nearly 1000 pages in 3 days (as I actually finished the trilogy yesterday), you can take for granted that I enjoyed it.  It is really well written, and set in a partly fantasy and partly historical world.  The writing was really good, and I liked the fact that we were looking on things from the pov of a different culture.  I'm not going to give anything away in this review, but when some of the historical aspects come to light, I was quite pleased with myself that I had worked them out beforehand, though the identity of the young king of the enemy was a surprise to me.

Having read the books so fast, I couldn't put them down.  I was only slightly disappointed in the ending, because I felt it ended and everything was wrapped up a bit too quickly, and I wanted to experience more.  However, there is a subsequent series called The Fourth Talisman* where you can see what happens next the the characters.  I haven't bought these books yet, because I am trying to work through the ones on my list, but I look forward to coming back to this world and seeing what happens next to Nazafareen.

Lorna Doone by R D Blackmore

Every year I like to read a “classic” that I haven’t read before, partly because I want to be considered well-read and be able to join in conversations about books, and partly in case it introduces me to a genre of book that I hadn’t considered reading before.

I’ve wanted to read Lorna Doone since I was a very little girl, because a friend at my first school had an older sister called Lorna who was named after the book. I knew it was a romance, but didn’t know any more of the story.

The blurb says:

Every woman clutched her child, and every man turned pale at the very name of "Doone"'

John Ridd, an unsophisticated farmer, falls in love with the beautiful and aristocratic Lorna Doone, kidnapped as a child by the outlaw Doones on Exmoor. Ridd's rivalry with the villainous Carver Doone reaches a dramatic climax that will determine Lorna's future happiness. 

The book was written in 1869 but is set in the late 1600s, primarily when King Charles II and King James II were on the throne. The book follows the life of John Ridd from a boy who was pulled out of private school because his dad had been murdered, up until much later in life, as he falls in love with and pursues Lorna Doone. Lorna is considered far above his station, as she is a rich Doone, but also the Doones are the local criminals, and the ones responsible for the death of John’s father.

I really liked this book. It is a book that needs some concentration to get into the story, as you are confronted not only with Old English, but some of the characters speak with a Devonian accent that required (for me at least) concentration to interpret. Being originally from Bristol and holidaying often in Devon, I liked that I could place many of the locations in the story, even if some (such as “Bristowe”) have different spelling these days.

This book is a romance, but it is written from John’s pov, and there are plenty of fight scenes and politics that men don’t have an excuse to not read it. Due to the difficulty of the language, that unless the child is a precocious reader, I wouldn’t recommend to preteens (it’s not inappropriate, just the vocabulary), but other than that, this book is suitable to all.

Corsets

From Amazon.co.uk

I read an article the other day about how corsets are coming back into fashion, and that’s a bad thing for women because their sole purpose is body modification in order to look more sexy and desirable to men.

I actually like a corset. I don’t own one that fits at the moment, but I do like the style as something glamorous to wear on a night out, or even dressed-down with a pair of jeans. I wouldn’t wear one to change my body shape, but that could be because before my hysterectomy I had a ‘full hour glass’ figure. I’ve always been fat, with a belly and thunder thighs, but I have always had a defined waist that was at least one size smaller than my hips, making clothes-buying difficult. Since I’ve been in surgical menopause, however, my waist is getting wider and wider. At one point it was good because my clothes actually fit, but now I’m more like an apple stuck on a pair of fat pillars…

Rabbani and Solimene Photography
WireImage

On that article, I saw a photo of Kim Kardashian wearing a corsetted dress, and I was shocked. I’m not a follower of fashion or gossip or celebs, so though I have heard the name, and I know KK is famous for her big bum, I didn’t know what she actually looked like. It just looks really weird. Like REALLY weird. Women naturally have a sexy, curvy shape, but taken to this extreme it looks odd. I suppose, for me, it’s because it just doesn’t look natural. I feel the same about many of the filters you see on snapchat and the like, that is meant to make you look airbrushed, or with makeup on, no flaws and more attractive, but just ends up making you look not real. Do men really find that attractive? I suppose my issue with this type of look is now mainstream it is – not that women look that way, but that it’s accepted (and acceptable) the women and girls want to look that way; as if if you don’t want to look like that, you’re the odd one.

Then there’s the argument that I have in my head about such things. I genuinely believe people should be free to wear, or not wear, whatever they want. An extension to that, is I believe people should be free to modify their own body however they want. Whether it’s piercings or tattoo, whether an extreme* hairstyle or colour, etc people should be free to express themselves. So, if someone wants to modify their body by wearing waist trainers and corsets, who am I to judge? It comes down to who are they doing it for? And much like the people who say they can’t leave the house without a full face of make-up, but claim it’s not society putting pressure on them to look like it, but they genuinely want to go through the rigmarole of hair and make-up sessions every morning; are these women** modifying themselves because they genuinely want to, or because they want to feel more attractive to others, and think this is the only way to do so?

*Now DD1 is going to school in September, I’ve just spent a small fortune on her school uniform. As part of the school uniform policy, there includes a note on extreme hairstyles and mohicans are not even mentioned, whereas very short cuts or bright colours are.

**I am aware that some men wear corsets too. And also some men and women wear corsets not to primarily change their body shape, but as a way to feel pain/control, perhaps as part of BDSM. I feel more comfortable with this, than wearing corsets in order to be more attractive.

Weekly Update No26

(Yes, for those keeping count, there was no No25.)

I've been on holiday, so haven't lost weight.  No surprises there.  I do need to start thinking about what I shove in my gob, and how much exercise I'm [not] doing. My husband is calorie counting, and it's working for him - he's now halfway towards my ultimate target goal, whereas I'm still bobbling over 93kg.

Our cleaner had an operation so wasn't working for over 6 weeks. She's back now, so hopefully this'll encourage me to keep the house and kitchen tidy, which in turn will encourage me to start cooking proper/healthy food again. I having been having smoothies, but I think I need to make more of an effort to only have 1 portion at specified times, rather than drinking a whole bottle over the day (where a bottle is 3 portions of smoothies, or 5 portions of the juices!).  Calorie-wise they are not "too much", but clearly I need to consume even less, and generally be more in control.

So here we are again, halfway through the year, determining to do better.
I am convinced that half the battle is in the mind, so as long as I don't give up, but accept my mistakes as mistakes and move on, then I haven't failed.