Depression as a Christian

I feel the need to preface this post by saying that I know depression is hard for everyone.  I know that depression manifests itself differently for different people, and I'm certainly not suggesting Christians are better than other people.

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Depression as a Christian is hard.  Not only do I have the depression itself, but I feel the added pressure of "If God was real, he'd take away your depression" and "If you were a true Christian, you wouldn't have depression" - both of which are lies that add to making you feel worse.

Recently, I've been feeling crap.  Nothing, that I'm aware of, triggered it.  I just felt numb and 'meh'.  I wasn't suicidal, and wasn't in a pit of existential despair, I just felt sad and have been on this ride long enough to know that my depression was kicking in.  My self care had gone, and I felt like I had to be everywhere doing everything, but not managing anything - all of which made me feel worse.

I tried to let go of the small stuff.  Not worry that my house was looking worse and worse.  Not worry that I just wanted to run away and hide, whilst knowing that I have too much responsibility to be able to do that. I'm in the middle of various FOI requests regarding home education and the treatment of home educators; I have my tutees that I love tutoring (whilst simultaneously looking forward to the summer break!); I have DD2 that I am actually home educating (when she is not watching repeats of Miraculous); and even this afternoon I have a meeting with my Local Authority about changing their HE policy.  And walk the dog.  And see my PT.  And spend time with my family.  And phone family that live further away.  And see friends.  And keep in touch with friends who live further away.  And... And... And...

Two weeks on, and I'm in a place where my mental health is such that I can write this post, though I have been thinking about it for a while.  

Many people think (including some Christians) that Christians have to be "happy" all the time, with stupid grins stuck to their face (yes, I'm jealous due to RBF), never getting angry, with glitter and sparkles wherever they go.  However, when you read the Bible, it doesn't actually say that.  Nowhere that I recall does it say that Christians will have an easy life with everything they want - indeed it says that Christians will be persecuted* for their faith and suffer hardship.

*Brief segue: whilst some Christians are persecuted for their faith, I do think that many of the claims in the West about persecution are not.  This is a discussion for another time.

I listen to worship songs in my car (much to my girls' annoyance), and I can feel the love of God, even when I am depressed.  It doesn't take the depression away, however.  But I have the knowledge, understanding and faith, that my depression is merely feeling and emotion, and however I am feeling, does not mean that, poof, God suddenly doesn't exist anymore.

Paul wrote many of his letters whilst in prison, after having been beaten or stoned, having to run and flee for his life.  He knew that no matter how he felt, God is still in control.

For the individual Christian, more specifically me, this disparity between 'head knowledge' and 'heart knowledge' can make me feel worse at times.  Not helped by hereditary Catholic guilt, disagreeing with my current church (Baptist) on a couple of issues, and knowing what I'm really like, all mean that I know I am not a "good Christian", and I wonder if I was "better" then I wouldn't feel like this?  Obviously, the answer is "no", and when I'm feeling normal, like I do right now, I can rationalise that.  The whole point of Christianity, is that there is nothing we can do to earn our place with God.  As good as a mere human can be, we could always be better, however, rather than that forcing everyone into depression, God came down to earth, to meet us at our level, where we currently are, with all our sins and guilt and shame and everything else. And because of that, is why we can still be joyful and sing God's praises, even when we are depressed and 'meh'.

Weekly Update

So, my weight is still going up. As of this morning, it is just one measly kilo below the highest weight I have ever been: a staggering 97.1kg.

However, I am not totally disheartened.  I am having non-scale victories, even though my weight is increasing.  I am still seeing my personal trainer twice a week.  She came this morning, and though I didn't quite beat my PB of a plank for 1m57s, I did reach 1m47s - which is amazing considering how tired I felt.

I am also starting to see a difference in what I look like.  Yesterday was my day to take my measurements and photo graphs again.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find my book with my previous measurements in, so I only know what I am, not whether I have gone up or down.  Fortunately, my phone has my previous photos, so I can make a comparison.

I can actually see a difference!  It's not huge, and I'm still fat, but I am making progress and that's the main thing.  My waist is getting smaller (and I no longer need the bra extender that I'm using in the top photo!), my stomach doesn't seem to protrude quite as much, and though the difference is slight, my shorts are slightly looser around the legs, compared to two months ago.

As embarrassing as these photos are - I am pleased with the difference!

Guess what I did today?

When I was a kid, I had my ears pierced when I was 11yo, before going up to secondary school. At that age, I was deemed old enough to be able to look after pierced ears myself.

Fast forward to now, and my baby is going to secondary school in September!  Having never been interested before, she has asked to have her ears pierced, and being the same age(ish - DD2 doesn't turn 11 until August), I wasn't going to say no.

Knowing we weren't going to go to Claire's, we looked around and decided to go to Sharon's Beauty for All.  Set up in Sharon's conservatory, we were greeted at the door, and Sharon was even gracious when we were 15minutes late due to my sat nav going haywire and an accident closing a local road.

The room itself is clean and functional, without feeling like a sterile (in the bad way) hospital room.  Sharon  kept everything hygienic, wore a mask and kept sanitising her hands as per covid regs, and used disposable needles and clean, sterile (in the good way!) equipment.

DD2 jumped up on the bed, chose her earrings and Sharon got to work.  Sharon helped calm my daughter down, as DD2 was nervous, and talked through everything.  Not too long later, my daughter was pleased with the result.

That's not what I did, though.  

I decided that if I was going to be going to take DD2 to get pierced, then I should get pierced too.
A lot of blood later (I'm a bleeder, lol), I now have my nose pierced again to match my glasses.
A little purple ring.

All in all, a good experience for both myself and DD2. 
If you want a piercing I recommend Sharon - and she does a range of beauty treatments and nails too.

Finding Intimacy With Jesus Made Simple by Matthew Robert Payne

 

The blurb says:

Have you got a hunger to be closer to Jesus? Have you got a desire to know Him in a greater way and walk with Him in a deeper relationship? Do you have a thirst for intimacy with Jesus to such a level that you can know secret things about Him? Do you want to walk with Him so close that He directs your every step through the leading of the Holy Spirit?

 This book is separated into over 70 Kingdom Nuggets.  Each Nugget is only a few pages long and goes over some simple truths of the Bible and faith in Jesus - actually, not just faith In Him, but specifically enhancing your relationship With Him, and ends with a simple prayer.

Overall, I really liked this book.  I can't say I agree with the author 100% but overall, but, given this was a free book, I liked his casual writing style, the fact he owns up and is open about various sins, and there is a lot of encouragement within the pages without the author being "Holier Than Thou".  If you're looking for an easy-to-read book of encouragement, this may be what you are looking for.

Mouse Tails by Sonny Collins

This is a children's book.  Maybe I should have guessed, because it's called Mouse Tails, but when choosing this as part of my A-Z of Fiction books, I didn't realise that.

This is, however, a cute book to read to children at Christmas time.  It is only a few chapters long, and introduces  a few stories from the Bible from the perspective of mice who are watching the humans.

The blurb says:

A Christmas story for the entire family that introduces several stories from the Bible in a unique and different way - from the perspective of mice. Two orphans are lost in a blizzard when they happen upon kind Nicholas, keeper of the mountain church. Then a young couple arrives as well, slowed down by the storm. Nicholas gives them a haven from the cold as he shares his stories of some very special creatures in this inspirational novella.

If you are looking for a book to read on the nights leading up to Christmas, this may be for you.  If my children were younger, I can imagine settling them with some hot chocolate and a blanket, but I doubt any kids would be that interested over the age of about 8yo. 

The Legacy of the Key by S L Morgan

 We're finally back on track with my A-Z of Fiction Titles with L being The Legacy of the Key.

The blurb says:

Reece Bryant’s life changes forever when a powerful and enigmatic stranger takes her from earth and into a fascinating new world.

Reece is forced to question exactly who this mysterious man is. Why is he so powerful and what makes him alluring in a fascinating way?

Her focus swiftly changes from the man who brought her to this world, to why she was targeted by him in the first place.

The comfort of her human life is tossed into a whirlwind of destruction when she learns the truth of who she really is.

How can you go from being an average every day college student that suddenly learns you’re the most hunted individual on the planet?

I did enjoy this book.  By choosing the book based on title, I hadn't read the blurb, so as it started, I was expecting the man, Levi, to be an angel, but that wasn't to be.  Also, because I hadn't read the blurb, I didn't realise how strongly this book was meant to be a love story.  It is a romance, and that wasn't lost, but my main criticism was that both Reece and Levi profess their love for each other too soon.  She fancied him, and then after one kiss it was suddenly true love.  I think the true love stuff could have waited until later in the book.

Anyway, this book starts with Reece, a medical student who is having to sort out her dad's affairs after his recent death.  She keeps spotting two well dressed, unusually handsome, men wherever she goes, but not everyone appears to be able to see them, or at least, not react to the weird things that happens around them.  In a bid to get back to normality, she goes for a run in the morning and finds herself being attacked by muggers and then saved by one of the men, who announces that if she doesn't go with him immediately, her life will be in danger from the people who arranged the muggers...

As if that wasn't enough to take in, Reece discovers that there are multiple dimensions, and multiple planets and races within these dimensions.  All of these converge on Earth, as the gateway between the different dimensions.  However, one race is power-obsessed, and seeks to find the Key in order to control the gateways between worlds.

I enjoyed the fantasy element of the story, and I liked the cosy romance and old-fashioned gentlemanliness and protocols within the book.  It isn't a straight romance either, and there is deception and intrigue, jealousy and rivalry all mixed up in this fantasy world that isn't that much difference to our own.

This is Book 1 of a 4-book series, and I have added the rest to my Wishlist.

Catriona by Robert Louis Stevenson

 Catriona is the second David Balfour book after Kidnapped, which I reviewed last month.

The blurb says:

First published in 1893, "Catriona" (published in the USA as "David Balfour") is Robert Louis Stevenson's sequel to his classic "Kidnapped". 
"Catriona" takes up the story of David Balfour's adventures where "Kidnapped" leaves off. It is a fictional account of real-life historical events that took place in 18th Century Scotland, including the Appin murder, which was committed just after the 1745 Jacobite rising.

The novel follows David Balfour’s attempts to secure Alan Breck Stewart and James Stewart’s innocence for the murder of Colin Roy, the “Red Fox”

I am really glad I continued reading the saga of David Balfour.  This book is ultimately a romance as David pursues "grey eyes" Catriona, but there is as much intrigue and convolution in it, as in the first book.  David has to learn how to negotiate his way with cunning between legal professionals and those in power with the clans of Scotland, in a bid to prove his friends' innocence for the Appin murder. Meanwhile, he gets schooled by the daughter of one in power, on the ways of dressing and behaving, such that he would fit in higher society, that becomes a man who now owns an estate.

It is a good book, and I would recommend reading it either immediately, or soon after, reading Kidnapped, just so that your brain doesn't have to concentrate too hard with the older English and Scottish dialects that are used within.