Forged In Rage by Sean Young

Forged in Rage by Sean Young is my penultimate book in my alphabet challenge I set myself.  I chose it because the title and book cover looked interesting; I hadn't realised that is was historical fiction.

The blurb says:

For generations, the copper scroll has remained buried, concealing the treasure it protects and the prophecy it contains. Now that secret is about to be unleashed. In the right hands, the scroll could bring about Israel's freedom from Roman occupation, but used improperly, it could destroy her.

Barabbas, a warrior zealot and sworn protector of the scroll, has vowed to overthrow his Roman oppressors. He has raged against an empire and lashed out at its military might. But his greatest enemy remains the pain within.

His quest for vengeance and Roman blood, his love for a peace loving woman, and his commitment to the mysterious scroll pull him in vastly different directions. Death and betrayal loom around every corner as Barabbas searches for a truth that he has yet to fully understand-the force that drives him forward and ultimately requests the ultimate sacrifice to be made by a man.

As a Christian, the name Barabbas is well known as the murderer who was released instead of Jesus at the crucifixion. This novel is an interesting take on who Barabbas was, what he stood for, how he earned the reputation of being a murderer, and the suffering he endured.  Whilst being set in the time period 29-33AD, it is not centred around Jesus at all, but Barabbas and the search for the copper scroll.

This book is full of action.  Barabbas has to pit his wits against Gaius, a Roman Centurion, as they try and outsmart each other and capture/evade capture whilst finding the truth about the scroll.

The chapters in this book are fairly long (~20min/chapter) which meant I only read the book when I had time to read a whole chapter, but it is really good.  It kept me on the edge of my seat, as I was wondering whether the zealots would manage to escape, whether Barabbas could rescue his friends, and throughout the torture, death and loss of family and friends.

In fact, my main disappointment with this book is that Book 2 in the Violent Sands series, When Shadows Scream, isn't available yet!  A good read!

Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure

 Reshaping It All was recommended to me by my friend, and we read it together over a couple of months.

Candace made her name in the US Sitcom Full House (which I hadn't heard of before, but I've started watching the sequel Fuller House with my girls.  It's light, easy entertainment.  Yes, it's predictable with some bad/dad jokes, but is good clean fun) and as she grew up, she found herself putting on weight.
This book is an overview of her life, how she lost weight, and her relationship with God.

The blurb says:

Candace Cameron Bure first became known to millions as a co-star on the hit ABC television series Full House. Today, like her brother Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains, Fireproof), she is the rare Hollywood actor who is outspoken about her Christian faith and how it helps overcome certain obstacles.

Bure’s healthy lifestyle has been featured in US Weekly and People magazines as well as national talk shows including The View and NBC’s Today. In Reshaping It All, she continues the story, inspiring women to embrace a healthier lifestyle by moving faith to the forefront, making wise choices, and finding their worth in the eyes of God. Candace shares a candid account of her struggle with food and ultimately her healthy outlook on weight despite the toothpick-thin expectations of Hollywood.

More than a testimony, here is a motivational tool that will put readers on the right track and keep them there. In addition to practical advice, Candace offers a biblical perspective on appetite and self control that provides encouragement to women, guiding them toward freedom.

 As with the other weightloss books I've been reading, I can track the impact this book has had on me.  Whilst I have lost weight, it is only by half a kilo, as unfortunately I put a fair bit of weight on whilst I was reading this book. 

Overall, I did enjoy this book, and had I not read other weightloss books recently, I'm sure it would have had more impact.  This book is mainly story/advice, with each chapter ending with a letter she has written to a fan, an inspirational quote, relevant Bible verses and a recipe to try.

Joyful by Toks Adebiyi

 

The blurb says:

Successful or not. Rich or poor. People use plenty of terms to determine and define happiness—but is it really joy they're seeking? Author Toks Adebiyi shares examples from his time in both Nigeria and the United Kingdom in the inspirational memoir Joyful. Like many others, Toks got caught up in the push for wealth and popularity and dreamed of becoming the next Richard Branson or Robert Kiyosaki. But when events in his life brought him back down to earth, he began to redefine what joy meant to him. Here, Toks shares what he found, laying out a path for others to follow in advice-filled chapters such as "Loving Yourself" and "Mind Your Environment." All throughout, he includes action points to aid others in their own pursuit of joy. Joyful is specifically targeted at young readers and families. This lighthearted, easy-to-read guide will help you find what matters most in your life—and what you really need to find inner peace.

I found this book to be a mixed bag. 

At first the book reads as if it adheres to the Prosperity Gospel, but if you persevere you realise this isn't the case.  There is also much of this book that is just biography, and anecdotes of his own inspirations and prejudices.  The chapters are very, very short, I hadn't realised that it was purposely aimed at young readers, so that may be the reason why? 

And some of the comparisons are hilarious - when discussing the idiom [paraphrased] "the wealthiest people are not always the richest and the richest people are not always the wealthiest" he gives the example of someone who has a one hundred million pounds of savings but is depressed and gets divorced, compared to someone who has one hundred thousand pounds of savings, who is happy and content. £100,000!!!! That's still someone who is really really rich!  I do agree that you can be economically poor, yet rich in life, but this was not the example to choose!

However, within the book are nuggets and gems, hidden amongst the other stuff.  I got the book because it was free on Kindle, and if you can get it for free it is definitely worth reading.

The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God by D. A. Carson

My Growth Group at church has, for this year, been going through Cedarville University's Old Testament Literature course by Dr. Chris Miller.  I've really enjoyed going through these lectures each week, and despite having read the Bible many times, there is plenty that I have missed.  I recommend this for everybody interested in learning more about the Old Testament.  I wish I had seen it when I was a knew Christian, but I equally recommend it for those long in the faith, as there is always more to learn!

Anyway, during one of the lectures, Dr. Miller recommended a book: The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God by D. A. Carson. 

The Blurb says:

The theme of the love of God is inexhaustible, both in our experience and our theology. We will reflect on it and adore him for eternity. In today's world, however, it is a theme that has been taken for granted and treated as easily understood. Many see God in sentimental ways: he is a kind old man in the sky who wouldn't harm a fly, or an easy-going friend who gives them presents and helps them out of every difficult spot. 'God loves me,' cries one person, 'so surely he won't punish me.' 'God loves the whole world,' cries another, 'so we needn't worry about who will be saved.'
But is it really that easy? What does the Bible teach about God's love? What does it have to say about the wrath of the loving God, or about the loving God who is also sovereign Lord?
In this book, Don Carson turns his attention to these vital questions. He wants us to get a new perspective - one that sees God as awesome and glorious as well as loving. He wants us to take seriously the need for justice to be done and for God to be Lord. But most of all, he wants us to understand that these things are included in God's love, not opposed to it, and so to reach an even greater, richer, more 'truth-full' picture of the wonderful love of God.

I was  pleasantly surprised by this book.  I was expecting it to be very heavy and difficult reading, but it was interesting to a layman like me.  It goes through all the different facets of God's love, and why if you reduce His love to either "God loves everybody regardless" or "God only loves His own" you miss important understanding of who God is, you miss His mercy and judgement, you miss facets of His personality and indeed His enduring love, and reduce Him to a caricature or cliche, neither of which does Him justice.

The Centurion's Wife by Davis Bunn and Janette Oke

The entirety of The Centurion's Wife takes place within an 8 week period during 33AD.  It starts just after Passover when Leah is told that a Centurion has asked to marry her.  Leah is kept as a servant in Pilate's house, whilst also being his niece.  As Pontius Pilate is concerned that Jesus' followers will start rioting and a revolution after His death, Pilate's wife asks Leah to find out what she can about these rabble-rousers and determine whether they pose any threat to the peace that Pilate seeks to maintain.

The blurb says:

Janette Oke has dreamed for years of retelling a story in a biblical time frame from a female protagonist's perspective, and Davis Bunn is elated to be working with her again on this sweeping saga of the dramatic events surrounding the birth of Christianity. . .and the very personal story of Leah, a young Jewess of mixed heritage trapped in a vortex of competing political agendas and private trauma. Caught up in the maelstrom following the death of an obscure rabbi in the Roman backwater of first century Palestine, Leah finds herself also engulfed in her own turmoil facing the prospect of an arranged marriage to a Roman soldier, Alban, who seems to care for nothing but his own ambitions. Head of the garrison near Galilee, he has been assigned by Palestine's governor to ferret out the truth behind rumors of a political execution gone awry. Leah's mistress, the governor's wife, secretly commissions Leah also to discover what really has become of this man whose death and missing body is causing such furor. This epic drama is threaded with the tale of an unlikely romance and framed with dangers and betrayals from unexpected sources. At its core, The Centurion's Wife unfolds the testing of loyalties between two young people whose inner searchings they cannot express, between their irreconcilable heritages, and ultimately between their humanity and the Divine they yearn to encounter.

This book is a romance that would also be enjoyed by those who like historical or political fiction too.  The Centurion's Wife was recommended to me by a friend from church, but in all honesty, I was not expecting it to be as good as it was. 

Leah's family met hard times, and though she was living as the personal servant to Pilate's wife, she was an intelligent and independent woman who made the most of her situation, and did not want to lose the little freedom she has by being married off to a soldier.  Having a good knowledge of the Bible and the events after Jesus's crucifixion, it was interesting to see that as the backdrop of this unexpected romance.  I liked how these fictional characters were interwoven with the historical characters of Pilate, Herod, Mary Magdalene, Mary, Martha, Lazarus etc. and though it is fiction all the events are entirely plausible.  I also liked that the story focuses on strong women in a historical setting where that would have been difficult.

I really enjoyed this book.  I read it in a day, and even though I knew the story of the context, I wanted to find out what happened between Leah and the Centurion.  My only slight niggle is with the title - Leah and Alban only get betrothed at the halfway mark in the book, and the actual wedding celebration isn't until the end of the book, but that's only a minor thing.

My Thoughts on Elizabeth Bartholet's Article

I am going to be straight up honest here: I have not read the full 80page review that Bartholet wrote.
Sorry, but I simply don't have time.  Should LAs or the government in the UK start referring to it, I now will be able to find an easily accessible copy, but for now it is going unread.

What I am going to comment on, however, is the summary that was written in Harvard Magazine.  As that summary quotes and paraphrases Bartholet, I will go through that with my thoughts and opinions.  Additionally, I have her words from yesterday to draw on to add context and meaning/intention to the written word.

In the article, Bartholet is calling for a "presumptive ban" on homeschooling because it may stop them from contributing to a democratic society.  She asserts that homeschooling violates a child's right to education and their right to freedom from abuse.

Yesterday, historian Milton Gaither stated repeatedly that there is not much difference in outcomes for home schooled and public schooled children in the US.  It is, however, environmental factors that make a difference, not limited to the time and input a parent has in the education of their child.  [This latter sentence is something that I have heard and read in research before (of course, now I look I cannot find the link.  If you reading this have the link handy, please comment below and I'll add it at a later date).]  Bartholet, however, countered this, often repeating that only "successful" homeschoolers allowed their children to partake in research, and there are many hidden homeschoolers that nobody knows about.  Normally, I would go on to make the point that in the UK, there have been ZERO Serious Case Reviews where home educating has been the sole or primary contributing factor to abuse (as I have stated HERE).  However, Bartholet is from the US and from the discussion yesterday there have been cases brought up involving horrific abuse, so I won't claim that what is true in the UK is also true in the US.

Bartholet is concerned about the lack of regulation in some states, that there is no check about the academic qualifications of the parents, nor their ability to teach. Again, this has been addressed in the paragraph above, but if that were not enough - if parents have come out of school without a GED, why should they entrust the education of their children to the state? She is also concerned about the lack of a home schooling register in some states, so I will repeat the link to my response why a home education register is not a good idea.

Bartholet says home education can isolate children, and yesterday commented that some parents choose homeschooling purposely to isolate the kids.  Instead, she proposes that each child should have "mandated reporters" to whom the child has to be shown regularly - this reminds me of the Scottish "Named Person" scheme, that many Scottish Home Educators had been against.

However, I do actually think one of Bartholet's ideas is somewhat praiseworthy - that parents should be checked prior to home education for reports of abuse and neglect.  Rather than a presumptive ban on homeschooling, or a reactive check on parents, I think this should be a forward acting policy.  If someone has a record of abuse or neglect, I think it is right that the court should order (in advance) that these people should have highly visible children and regular encounters with social services.  Now, I am going to put some caveats here.  Firstly, as Graham Stuart MP said when he was Chair of the Education Select Committee, home educated children are "peculiarly visible", so when I am saying visible, I mean to doctors, social services and EHEOs.  Secondly, whereas Bartholet implied yesterday that there is no smoke without fire, and if someone has had accusations of abuse they shouldn't be allowed to home school, I think this preemptive court order to should solely for people who have been through court and proven to have been abusive or neglectful.  There are many cases of a spurned partner who reports their Ex to social services maliciously, and just because of this fabricated report, it is not right that this parent should be prevented from home educating their children should they wish to.  (Fortunately, social services in the UK are able to see through malicious referrals.)

Bartholet states that up to 90% of homeschoolers in the US make that choice due to conservative Christian beliefs and extreme religious ideologues, including questioning science, female subservience and white supremacy.  Again, I'm aware of a huge disparity be the US and the UK, and that is true within Christian circles too.  However, wherever you fall on the creation/evolution debate questioning science is never a bad thing - questioning what we know is exactly what causes breakthroughs in knowledge.  Science is the collection of knowledge that we currently have, and is constantly expanding, growing and changing as our understanding improves.  If you think science cannot or should not be questioned, then indeed that is akin to science being your unquestionable religion.  Without having read her 80 page document, I don't know exactly what she means by female subservience, but I'm assuming she is referring to Ephesians 5:22 (from NIV) "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord", having ignored the previous verse 21 which states "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." and verse 28 that says "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."  I acknowledge that there may be some branches of "Christianity" that take these verses out of context and to extreme, but there is nothing inconsistent between calling yourself a Christian and a Feminist.  Finally, white supremacy is antithetical to the teachings of Christ.

An interesting follow-up to this was a question that was asked yesterday: Should children who are public schooled be mandated to visit religious or other private schools? Bartholet replied that no they shouldn't, because parents who wish to can teach religion at home.  To me, this is clearly double standards, and suggests to me that Bartholet is an atheist (I have no idea whether she has a faith or not).  If the parents of a child at a state school are atheists, when can that child encounter religion or faith in order to widen their education and have opportunity to encounter new ideas (given the separation of state and religion in the US)?  The fact that Bartholet doesn't see anything amiss here, demonstrates to me that she does not see any value in faith nor for children being exposed to it. 
Fortunately, in the UK there is not this separation.  My Home Educated children are free to explore their own faith (or lack of faith in the case of DD1), having me being a Christian, friends who are atheists, friends who are Muslims and visiting a Sikh Temple.  I would like to also visit a Synagogue and a Hindu Temple, but that will have to wait until Coronavirus has passed.

Yesterday there was also a discussion and question about whether homeschooling can produce civic-minded and well-rounded children/adults.  Bartholet says in her article "But it’s also important that children grow up exposed to community values, social values, democratic values, ideas about nondiscrimination and tolerance of other people’s viewpoints" but I'm not sure she gives the same exposure to schooled children, nor the same tolerance of home educating families.

When talking about the power and influence parents can have over their children, Bartholet says 

"The issue is, do we think that parents should have 24/7, essentially authoritarian control over their children from ages zero to 18? I think that’s dangerous... I think it’s always dangerous to put powerful people in charge of the powerless, and to give the powerful ones total authority."  

I know other commentators and bloggers have already commented on the fact that the government is run by powerful people who are in charge of the powerless (us).  Additionally, given the recent race relations and examples of police brutality that have come to light, I would want to question Bartholet whether she is in favour of defunding the police?, though I expect not.

Finally, though Bartholet concedes that some parents may be able to educate their children effectively and efficiently, she thinks parents should need to continuously prove that their case is justified in being able to provide a better education than at a state school.  In short, she thinks that rather than innocent until proven guilty, parents need to be assumed to be guilty of abuse and neglect and only allowed to homeschool if the parents can prove otherwise.  

A Sweary Poem

Fuck!
The fucking world is all fucked up.
What the fuck can we do?
Fuck off if you don't give a shit.
I do.
And if you think swearing is a sign of a bad vocabulary?
Fuck you.
Hell yes, I just said that.
We need to stop fucking around
And take ownership of our fuck-ups.
I am as guilty as the next
And if you're more worried about what I'm saying
Rather than why I'm saying it
You can shut the fuck up.
The world is fucked.
We are all to blame.
And because I don't want this to become a heavy essay detailing all the different ways the world is fucked right now (which incidentally I did start typing, but it was becoming far too long and convoluted so I deleted it all) I want to encourage you to open your eyes, educate yourself, educate those around you and speak up, even if you think your voice won't be heard or you are as much of a coward as I am.
The world is broken
But we can still
Thank God.
He came to save us
And we can be the change.
Can we change the world?
Abso-fucking-lutely.

Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst

I was recommended Made to Crave by a friend who had started reading it a while ago, and was planning to finish reading it.  We decided to read it together - a few chapters each week - and then coming together on a Friday to discuss what we had learned.

The blurb says:

The reality is we were made to crave. Craving isn’t a bad thing. But we must realize God created us to crave more of him. Many of us have misplaced that craving by overindulging in physical pleasures instead of lasting spiritual satisfaction. If you are struggling with unhealthy eating habits, you can break the “I’ll start again Monday” cycle, and start feeling good about yourself today. Learn to stop beating yourself up over the numbers on the scale. Discover that your weight loss struggle isn’t a curse but rather a blessing in the making, and replace justifications that lead to diet failure with empowering go-to scripts that lead to victory. You can reach your healthy weight goal – and grow closer to God in the process. This is not a how-to book. This is not the latest and greatest dieting plan. This book is the necessary companion for you to use alongside whatever healthy lifestyle plan you choose. This is a book and Bible study to help you find the "want to" in making healthy lifestyle choices.

The idea that feeling cravings wasn't a 'bad' thing was a new idea to me, but makes sense that these cravings are created by God and should be directed to Him. The book is full of ways to keep God as the centre of your focus, as you build your relationship to him, and weightloss is almost a side effect.  Honestly, I did find that I was losing weight as I read the book (See my Weekly Updates from Y2Wk12), with my weight going from 95.3kg to 91.4kg, which is quite an achievement, when it feels like nothing much has changed!

If you are a Christian who is trying to lose weight (or indeed take control of other cravings), there are lots of insights to be found in this book.  It is highly recommended.

Easter thoughts

Today is Easter Day, and is a celebration of God's love for us, where He defeated sin and death, and enabled us to approach Him without fear and condemnation.  Jesus is alive!  We can now have confidence, through faith, in the hope of being with God in Heaven. 

Whether you agree with my proclamation of faith above, or not, Easter for most of us is a time of celebrating with our family.  We get to enjoy a long weekend in the UK with Bank Holidays on both Good Friday and Easter Monday - admittedly they'd be more noticeable were we not locked down at the moment.  The kids do an Easter egg hunt, chocolate for breakfast, lots of people have lamb for lunch, and scoff the rest of the chocolate for afters.  The day is spent with family, sometimes a walk in a park, and it is restful whatever beliefs you may have.

This year is different.  We are locked down.  The kids don't have as many eggs as usual - whether that be because people are only going to shops for essentials, or relatives are unable to give eggs for Easter.  Church services are online, so no sociable Easter services that many look forward to.  Easter egg hunts that are open to the public are cancelled, and people are confined to their own homes; a walk in the park may be permissible as long as everyone stays distanced from each other.

We're lucky in that we normally do an Easter egg hunt for the girls around our home and garden anyway.  This year, whilst I've been watching a church service online, my husband did the Easter Egg hunt, writing clues in rhyme about being in lockdown, and where to find the next clue.  He also bought me an Easter egg, and I hadn't got him anything as I haven't been to the shops in weeks.

Unfortunately, I have friends who are not so lucky.  On what should be a day of celebration, I have friends who are going through trials and tribulations in their own homes with their partners.  I am not going to go into their difficulties, it just highlighted to me how lucky I am to have my husband.  We may not agree on everything, but I am thankful to God for him.

On the first Easter day, God freed us from the bondage of sin. God gave us love, and wants us to experience it in all its fullness. We should not be trapped in our homes if we are in danger.  In case this information is useful to you: Safety Advice for Survivors

Bless you and I hope you have a Happy Easter however you celebrate it xx

Saints and Sinners series Books 2 & 3 by Dayo Benson

After reading Book 1 in this series the other day, I finished the next two books in less that 24hrs: City of Angels and Unholy Ground. 

These two books go into much more detail about why the series in named as it is - Saints and Sinners is a TV reality show where 'Saints' try to change the behaviour of 'Sinners', and 'Sinners' try and change the behaviour of the 'Saints'.  Colby persuades Chloe to audition for a part on the show, and they both get picked, but on competing teams.  This book is still a romance, albeit more about unrequited love, so there is sexual tension amongst the TV cameras in the Saints and Sinners house.

I loved these books.  They are very easy to read, and I devoured them.  There are highs and lows in the story, areas of tension (both romantic and thriller), serious topics and humour. 

The only slight negative I have with these books, is that it explores Satanism somewhat.  When/if there is a 4th book, I'm sure that will be resolved, but as it is for the 3 books, that plot-line didn't add too much to the story so seemed unnecessary.  I think the books would have been just as enjoyable as a trilogy without that complication.  But, as I said, that's only negative I have. 
Read these books, they're good!

Broken Halo by Dayo Benson

I've read books by Dayo Benson before, and this one was just as good!

It starts with Colby, sat in his car, contemplating ending his life.  He shouts out to God asking for one last sign. And not some wishy-washy sign either, but it needs to be a girl, whose name begins with C, asking him a specific question, and he has to see her 3 separate times that day.

Chloe is that girl.  She's a good Christian girl, going to church every Sunday without fail; she is engaged to a pastor, yet instinctively drawn to Colby, in a way she never way with her fiance.

The book is a Christian romance, but it is not a simple sweet story.  As you can imagine, Colby has his own demons. Despite being brought up as a Christian, he has strayed from that path. At the end of the book, you find out what Colby has hidden, but rather than hate him for it, it intrigues you to know how he has ended up where he is.  There are hints along the way, but it has left me wanting to know what happens next and wanting to read the next book.

The blurb says:

What do you call a knight in shining armor if the knight is a woman?

Colby:

I’m trying not to stare at this blonde knockout when I get robbed.

I don’t expect the blonde to chase the thief, blast him with pepper spray, and retrieve my money.

And that’s how I met Chloe Campbell.

The last thing I need is my lady knight thinking she can save me in other ways. I certainly don’t want to start believing that she can.

She’s everything I want in a woman, but she must be missing some vital self-preservation instincts because she thinks she’s in love with me.

I’m a stark sinner whose future is a big, fat black hole.

If she was like many girls her age, she would have heard of me. I’m pretty famous among that demographic.

But she has no idea who I am.

Chloe:

Colby is a bundle of secrets packaged as a drop-dead gorgeous, ‘he belongs on movie screens’ man.

I have every reason to walk away and forget that we ever met:

1. He’s out of my league.
2. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me.
3. I’m engaged. To a pastor, no less.

This feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

But it might be just what I need.

Falling from grace was never Chloe’s plan. Finding his way back to God was never Colby’s.

Could God be trying to get their attention?

Whether you're looking for Christian fiction or love your difficult romances, this book is for you.
Now I need to go and read book 2 in the Saints and Sinners series!

The Fragrance of Crushed Violets by Cathy Bryant

This book is a Bible study about forgiveness, so we can learn about God's forgiveness of ourselves in order for us to forgive others.

The blurb says:

Forgiveness is a crucial part of the Christian faith and also a way in which we can experience strong and healthy relationships with our fellow man. Unfortunately, the truth about forgiveness--as presented in God's Word--has been somewhat tarnished by inaccurate human philosophy.

The destroyer wants us confused and hurting. The lack of forgiveness in human relationships--even those within Christian circles--is written in the scars upon human hearts, souls, and minds.

But Jesus always taught the need for forgiveness, loving others, just mercy, and justice redeemed by grace. Living by His command to forgive you can declutter your mind and heart through the removal of hatred, malice, grudges, resentment, and bitterness. You can also experience reconciliation and restoration in your relationships with others.

This Bible study guide and workbook is appropriate for either individual or small group study and includes the following:

•what forgiveness is and what it isn't
•God's role in the process of forgiveness
•what Jesus accomplished at the cross for each of us
•our mandate to forgive as we've been forgiven
•what gets in the way of forgiving others
•how to truly forgive the inexcusable

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." -Mark Twain

 This is a short book of only 72 pages, but it is filled with God's word.  There are plenty of examples given of forgiveness in the Bible and how it can apply to our lives.  At the end of each chapter there are open questions for us to reflect upon what we have read and what we can do.

The main negative I have for this book, are that the Bible verses were not explicitly written in the text.  Most of the references were only one or two verses long so easily could have been included; either in the text itself, or within an Appendix at the back of the book.  Being only 72 pages long, it would have given more substance to the book. Whilst I can see that if you were reading a paperbook, you are likely to have the Bible as a paperbook nearby, and the act of searching and looking up verses can help commit them to memory.  However, I was reading this as an e-book on my kindle.  Initially I tried leaving the book, looking up the verse in my e-Bible, then going back to this book to find the next verse, but it was just so clunky that I gave up.  It meant that I just skimmed past all the verses that presumably would have spoken to me and taught me something. If this isn't in the next version of the paperbook, please can it be included in the next version of the e-book.

Rose of Prophesy by Hope Ann

This is another book I read because I bought it at some point and I'm working through the books in my account before buying more.  What I hadn't realised before I read it was that this was a novella, nor that it was a retelling of Beauty and the Beast.


This book seems to be no longer available on Amazon, so here is the blurb from goodreads:

She is afraid. Not because she is alone. Not because thick roiling clouds obscure the moon. Not because the wind rushes through the forest like a wild dragon. She is afraid because she is late. And to be late means death.

Her life had been happy once.

Despite the destruction wreaked by Tauscher, traitor to the King. Despite the distant war led by the Prince and fought with the help of her three brothers. Despite her own poorly-chosen nickname of Beauty, she'd enjoyed life.

Of course, that was also before her father left home on a hopeful errand but returned weary and ill, bearing a velvety scarlet rose which he claimed would never wither. But even life in the ancient hall, tucked away in the center of Mosswood, surrounded by roses of every description, overshadowed with mystery and home to a scarred figure who was more beast than man, wasn't too bad after a time.

But now...now, in a flash of light, Beauty finally glimpses the truth. And the cost. The price which must be paid, or the sacrifice which must be made.

It is a curse which even love alone may not be able to break.

So, not realising when it started it was based on Beauty and The Beast, the fact that the protagonist's nickname is "Beauty" didn't give it away for me, nor the fact she asked her father for a rose - duh!  There was enough story around these elements that it felt totally natural.  (I did 'get' it, by the time we met the Beast, I'm not totally silly!)

For being book 1 in the series, I thought there was not enough background to the thing between the Prince and Tauscher.  There was also a reference that I totally didn't understand - the Stieg Der.  Always written in italics, and never explained.  I don't even know what it means (a quick google was no help).  Having finished the book, and noticing there is some Christian allegory to this retelling (though it is not overt, so I other than a Bible reference on the very last page, it won't 'ruin it' for non-Christian readers, but is an interesting twist) it's something to do with The Fall: 'stieg' is the past tense of 'steigen' in German, where 'steigen' means 'to climb'.  So is it a play on words, rather than The Climb (Der Aufsteig), to illustrate the fall, the words have been place backwards (Stieg Der)? I don't know.

Other than that, however, I enjoyed the book.  At 78 pages it is very short (Kindle estimates it will only take an hour to read) and if you enjoy retellings of classic fairy tales then you will enjoy this book.

Weekly Update Y2w6

So, I haven't lost weight since I've been home.  Actually, that's a slight lie, as I did initially lose weight, and then have piled it back on again.  I'm no longer below 94kilos.

My excuse defence is that we're getting our kitchen done at the moment, so have been without a hob for a few days, and are still without an oven, so we've had to eat a lot of pre-made meals and takeaways.  Added to that, it probably didn't help that I ate a whole packet of biscuits by myself on Friday morning, before going out with a meal with my husband that night (the rare Friday nights we have free are date night, as both girls are dancing until 9pm!), meeting up with friends from uni for a meal on the Saturday, and we had a family day on Sunday which involved a meal out, after which I went to Afternoon Tea with ladies from church, and had more than one slice of cake...  But it's probably the fault of not having a fully working kitchen, lol.

On the positive side, and yes I can still see a positive side, my kitchen is looking good so far, and I'm looking forward to cooking in there again.  And my weight does bump up and down fairly frequently, so I'm not giving up, but taking it on the chin and I know my weight will come down again soon.

Sons of Encouragement by Francine Rivers

This book was lent to my by a friend from church.  It is fiction, but follows the stories of five Biblical men and imagines what they would have thought, said and done.  It is very cleverly written, and really brought the characters to life, as well as linking in other people who were around at the time, and plenty of Biblical truths during their conversations.  At the end of each book (this is actually five books in one), there is a chapter that can be used for personal or collective Bible study or reflection - I confess to having skipped straight over those bits.  I was reading this as my fiction book, rather than a study book.

The blurb says:

In this five-book compilation of the popular Sons of Encouragement series, the New York Times bestselling author of Redeeming Love and A Voice in the Wind illuminates the lives of biblical men who stood behind heroes of the faith and quietly changed eternity.

Aaron--the priest who stood in Moses' shadow but had the courage to cover his brother's fears.
Caleb--the warrior whose words stirred men's hearts and brought God's people to the Promised Land.
Jonathan--the prince whose humility led him to befriend the man who would become king in his place.
Amos--the prophet who heard when God called and spoke to a nation unwilling to listen.
Silas--the scribe who surrendered his wealth to record God's Word, even as those around him were silenced.

Each faithfully sought God in the shadows of His chosen leaders. They answered God's call to serve without recognition or fame. And they gave everything, knowing their reward might not come until the next life. Be challenged by these faithful men whose stories we must never forget.

Each novella includes an in-depth Bible study, perfect for personal reflection or group discussion.

At first I found the book to be very slow, and if I'm honest, I didn't like Caleb's story to be immediately after Aaron's because I felt that a bit too repetitive.  (Caleb's and Aaron's stories are interlinked, and the order of these books follow the order of the Bible, so chronologically it is correct.)  However, I think both of these points could be because I was reading a real book (dun dun dunnnnnn!), and being five books in one, it is a hefty size!  In the end, I bought the Kindle version myself, returning the original to my friend, and that made everything go a lot smoother and much more enjoyable.

The five books are all independent, and follow secondary characters to those written about in the Bible itself.  It allows for some poetic license, but Francine really brings the characters and struggles of these people to the forefront.  I particularly enjoyed the story about Amos.  In the Bible, Amos is a fairly short book, all about prophesy, encouraging the Israelites to repent and return to God.  There is not much there about the character of Amos himself, so it was good to spend some time thinking about what he could have been like as a person, following God's will, spreading a message that many others did not want to hear.

Would I recommend this book? Yes.  I'd go so far as to say that you don't have to be a Christian to enjoy these stories.  If you have the slightest interest in the Bible or ancient history, then this book would be a good read to help set the scene and see the different challenges that would have been faced in those times, but even if you don't, the writing is good enough to draw you into the story and relate to their experiences.  I do have to repeat that this is fiction, but highly recommend that if you enjoy it, you read the Bible itself afterwards, so you can see how accurate it is for yourself.

Musings about The Greatest Commandment

In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus was asked "What is the greatest commandment?".  Jesus replied, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."

If I'm asked to summarise the Bible, I'd respond:

• Love God
• Love your neighbours
• Love your enemies

I have always struggled with the phrase "Love your neighbour as yourself" because I have always taken it to mean "Love your neighbour as much as you love yourself", and because I don't tend to love myself, in my head I have always thought it should be (because, obviously, I know more than the Son of God...<eyeroll>) "Love your neighbour more than you love yourself".  I've not had a problem with that thought, and I don't think it has harmed others to think that.  

Recently, however, I have come to think that the phrase has more practical implications.

I may not feel all lovey about myself, but I do show myself love - when I am hungry I get something to eat, thirsty and I get something to drink, cold and I put a jumper on.  Even if I don't feel love for myself, I do show myself love through these small ways.  Even if I may not like myself in the moment, I can still show love for myself, and it is this showing of practical, real, hands-on love that Christians are called to share with their neighbours (and their enemies).

Becoming Fearless by Michelle Aguilar

This book was in my list of Christian books that I hadn't yet read, and with the subtitle of "My Ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God" that is the book I was expecting.  Whilst that was surely delivered by this book, I wasn't expecting it to also be a book about weightloss.   It wasn't until I started reading this autobiography, that I found out that Michelle had won the reality TV competition The Biggest Loser in the US, so it also chronicles her trials and triumphs as she aims to lose weight.  (Remember, until I got my newfangled Kindle, I could only judge books by their title and nothing more.)

The blurb says:

Michelle Aguilar's inspiring story goes beyond her grand-prize victory on the immensely popular The Biggest Loser. Becoming Fearless is about having faith in God when you've lost faith in yourself. It is an encouragement to "feel the fear" in any obstacle in life without being paralyzed by it. Finally, it is a story about reconciliation between Michelle and her mother, an exploration of the difficult and freeing work of forgiveness, and a reminder that what you learn on the journey is even more important than the destination.

I really liked this book; it was much more than I expected it to be.  There is a strong theme of trusting God throughout, as Michelle shares her history, her struggles and inner turmoil.  It is about stepping out in faith, in order to do everything you are called to.  Though there is a lot about her weightloss, the book is very clear that it was done in the bubble of a TV show, rather than the real world, and now she has to keep up the motivation to eat properly and exercise, now she is back in the real world.  Ultimately, as Michelle learned to trust God, she was also able to learn to trust others and herself too.

Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Live Uncaged by Mary DeMuth

Live Uncaged is no longer available on Amazon UK, but its blurb said:

Are you stuck in the past? Don't know how to heal beyond what happened to you back then? Are you tired of repeating the mistakes of your parents?

Author Mary DeMuth helps you understand your past, embrace healing today, and anticipate an irresistible future.

Through biblical teaching, real life in-the-trenches examples, and an eye toward spiritual growth, author Mary DeMuth helps you live the uncaged life you've always wanted.

Throughout this  book Mary DeMuth goes through lots of different ways in which we can be living as if caged, rather than allowing Christ to set us free.  I should as a trigger warning here, because Mary has experienced much pain in her life, not lease because of sexual abuse and rape that she has experienced as a child.  Despite this, thoughout the book you can see the joy that has come into her life thanks to her faith.

As this book is a collection of blog posts, rather than written as a book, some of the topics are repeated, but don't let this put you off.  Each post is clearly laid out, and Mary puts her heart and soul on the page, as she prays for herself and for the reader that they get healing from whatever ails them.