The write-up says:
Documentary exploring body dysmorphic disorder, a condition which causes people to believe they are extremely ugly. The film follows 29-year-old Liane and her boyfriend Mitch over a year as Liane starts therapy to try and conquer this crippling condition. Each week Liane meets Professor David Veale, one of the world's leading experts on BDD, who attempts to undo some of her deeply entrenched habits, often leading to uncomfortable and revealing realisations.The documentary also hears from a range of people who are in recovery from BDD. Talking movingly about their own personal experiences helps illuminate Liane's journey and reveals more about this illness.
What I found interesting about this program, is that these people are patently not ugly. Yet, they were vocalising my thoughts. Is it not BDD if it is true? I am fat and I am ugly. I am not good at makeup, and as Liane says in the documentary, what's the point spending hours on your makeup when it makes no difference? So, I don't. I rarely wear makeup, because I feel like I look like a dog's dinner when I do. At least this way, I haven't put in loads of effort to still look ugly. I have papulopustular rosacea, which is largely controlled by antibiotics (compared to previously where I was continually asked if I had chicken pox or if I was contagious), but still have breakouts in spots and a red face. And spots still look like spots, even when covered in foundation and concealer, the raised bumps are still visible and, in my mind, look worse than just admitting I'm covered in spots in the first place.
The other difference between me, and these people, is that I don't let it stop me doing anything (unless I'm getting swamped by my depression). I am ugly, but I figure that other people can not look. I am fat, but I don't let it stop me (and I've never liked buying clothes anyway). Depending on what I'm wearing (or whether I've been drinking, as to whether I'm concerned about it) I do feel self conscious, and if people start laughing I'm always convinced it's about me. One of the reasons why I carry my kindle (or kindle phone app atm) is because I'd rather be alone by choice, than excluded. If I'm upset or overwhelmed, I can stare at my book/phone pretending to read, rather than face up to the fact that people are talking about me or laughing at me. If I pretend long enough that I'm fine, maybe it'll be true?
Growing up, I was always fat, and was bullied in primary school because of it. At home, I was "the clever one" and my sister was "the pretty one"/"the sporty one" (none of these names did either of us any good). And yes, my husband regularly tells me I'm beautiful etc and I have slowly come to believe that he truly believes that. I don't doubt him at all. He is, however, misguided.
So after all this, do I think I have BDD? No. Firstly, it's true: I'm not pretty or beautiful in the slightest. But also, it doesn't impact my life much or stop me doing stuff. I mainly just thought the program was interesting because I assumed that everyone thinks these things about themselves.
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