Why don’t I like myself?

Recently a friend recently received some abuse because she posts a lot of selfies on her FB newsfeed. Now this friend does read this blog, so I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this. I luv ya lots xx

She was asked whether she posted because she ‘needed the likes’ and had apparently had ‘offended his beliefs’; and she came back with a brilliant explanation (not that she needed to) of why she does what she does, posts what she wants, because her body is a miracle that she is proud of. To quote her “So here it is, for likes and comments, my magical, amazing, miraculous, super strength body, on display, thin, chubby, pregnant, scandily[sic] clad, wrapped up and glitter dusted. I am not ashamed anymore and neither should you be of your magical skin sock.”

This friend has been through her fair share of shit in her time, and has come through stronger than ever. She is a fabulous woman, and I would love to learn to like myself like that.

I don’t like my body. It does what it needs to do (and my dislike isn’t enough to stop be going nude on a naturist beach – you don’t like it, don’t look!) but it’s not fit and it’s not healthy. Since going into surgical menopause, by waist has gotten wider and my stomach larger, yet I still have my huge hips and thunder thighs to match, so I’m big all over.  And I mention regularly that I need to lose weight and get my BMI below 30 (preferable below 25) before I can have the mastectomy I want.

I am very aware of the link between the state of my mental health and my ability to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but when my MH is low, I self-sabotage and I’m becoming aware that I self-harm too. Not in any overt way, but little things like not brushing my teeth, or washing clothes as often as I should. And the self-sabotage is usually along the lines of comfort eating or binging, then feeling guilty about it, and both of which then adds weight, rather than loses it. And then there’s the exercise thing, or lack of it, that I only have the impetus to do when I’m feeling good, yet my brain knows would be good for me to do especially when I don’t feel good. Yet another stick to beat myself with.

I also don’t like me as a person. I don’t think I’m horrible or anything, I just don’t think I’m particularly nice either. I do have friends, so there must be something about me that I’m not seeing, because I know for a fact they’re not friends with me for what I do for them, simply because I don’t do anything for them.
(And anybody reading this, I am not asking people to say they like me, just getting my thoughts out-there about how I feel about myself.)

And there may be some people reading this who question my right to call myself a Christian when I can articulate so clearly why I’m not worthy. I know God loves me. I know God died for me. I know God thinks I’m worth saving. Yet, I don’t know why God loves me? I can only assume it’s because of His infinite goodness, that He can like someone like me. I’m not a good person, and often am very self-absorbed. Whereas when I was younger I was only aware of “happy”, “sad” and “angry” (though happy was more neutral than elevated), now I am aware of many more negative emotions including boredom, jealousy, apathy, amongst others. I’m not a good Christian, and am fully reliant on God’s power to draw me to Him, as I don’t have the strength or willpower to do it myself.

Would I be friends with myself? Possibly, I don’t know. I think I would try to be friends with me, but I would doubt that the other-me wanted to be friends with me, itms. I don’t really know how to make friends, I just hang around and hope somebody will talk to me. At some point, they talk to me whenever they see me, and eventually we go out eating and drinking together and I think we’re friends. Similarly, however, I can lose friends unintentionally. I tend to continue thinking someone is my friend until they do something to make me think otherwise. For some friends, this is great, because it means that we can go weeks, months or years without seeing each other, and when we do, it’s like we’ve never left. Other friends, however, we slowly lose touch. Because I always assume that people don’t really like me (why would they – I don’t like me), I will try to keep in touch a couple of times, but if nothing comes of it then, I’ll think maybe I’m not getting the hint, so I’ll no longer contact them as I assume that’s what they want. Not least because the final time, I’ll specifically ask them to arrange whatever-it-is, so if they don’t, I know they don’t want to.

The other thing about making friends is that I don’t like small-talk and I don’t like saying things for the sake of it. Why can’t more people be comfortable with silence? Though I admit, I do find it funny when I can clearly see the other person is uncomfortable, and I’m not.

But back to liking myself, this is an area I do need to improve. A different friend recently gave me a notebook in which to write things I’m grateful for. I’m not going to share what I’m writing, but since receiving it, I have managed to find 3 things each day that I am grateful for. Sometimes something big and sometimes something small. I hope this will help my MH as it gives me something to look over when I’m feeling down.

And I have found a counsellor that I like. I did a trial session with her, and I have booked her from September, so hopefully that will be useful to. I don’t know if I could ever get to the point of loving myself, but liking myself would be good. I know I need to be kinder to myself, as I know I’m harder on myself than I am on other people, but that’s because, in my mind, I deserve it. Then maybe I can be more successful losing weight as I realise I deserve to treat myself right and feed myself the right foods, and move my body in ways that make me feel good.

Weekly Update No30

I've lost a bit more weight! Only about half a pound, but it all adds up.

I've had a good mental-health week, and so it is easy to lose weight, as I haven't really tried.  The main thing has been that when I didn't need a meal, I didn't eat.  Simple.  So last night, after having a big lunch, I only had a couple of slices of French bread for dinner.  And on Friday, even though I was looking forward to having a Miller and Carter Steak in the evening (my girls were out dancing, and my husband away with work, so I was looking forward to good food and a good book), I was again, too full from lunch, so rather than going out and spending money on a steak which I would then force down because I had paid for it, I stayed in instead.  (Admittedly I did eat a whole tub of ice cream in front of the TV, but it was one of those "150kCals in 1/2 a tub" ones, so I didn't feel guilty about eating the whole thing, because it would have been less calories than the steak dinner.)

I'm going on holiday later this week, all-inclusive, but am going to try and make sensible food choices.  Last year, I went away for a fortnight and didn't put on weight at all, despite eating whatever I wanted, and drinking most of the day as I followed the 2B Mindset.  I'd be happy to replicate that this time, though obviously it does depend what the buffet choices are.

Your wife is hot!

An advert for air conditioning has been banned because it was deemed sexist on two counts:

1. Features a woman, and is unrelated to air conditioning
2. It's clearly talking to a man, when anybody can buy air conditioning

The owner who designed the ad said "it's only a little bit of harmless fun".

In the BBC article, one of the complainants said "The subliminal message about society is that it's ok to comment on women's bodies, and comment on women's bodies as if they are the possession of someone else - 'your wife'.  It also gives the subliminal message that it's the man of the house that's responsible for getting the air conditioning fixed."

Now, I do agree that we, as a society, need to move away from commenting on women's bodies.  It is not healthy for anybody, whether you're the one gossiping, the one being gossiped about, or someone listening or overhearing the negativity.  Women have loads of shit they need to go through just because they are a woman, and women bitching about other women is not helpful.

However, I don't think this advert is sexist.  If anything were to change, I would recommend the woman wearing full jeans, rather than hotpants, but in all honesty, in weather like we're currently experiencing (it's 31C in my town, and my conservatory has had all doors and windows open all day, states it is 44C in there!) you'd be crazy to wear full jeans if you are comfortable in shorts. (I am currently wearing long trousers, but have pulled them up, so they're as good as shorts.)

As for the complaints, the woman is hot!  I am hot, and I would LOVE my house to have air conditioning.  Please, someone tell my husband that I am hot!  While the poster could have said something like "your wife is experiencing warmer than normal temperatures and desires to be cooled down" that wouldn't be as easily read on a poster, it isn't as catchy, and frankly it is a pun on the word 'hot'. Secondly, who says they're talking to a man?  Surely, it's more sexist to assume they're talking to a man, rather than assuming that this woman could have a wife? Or are you assuming that even if the woman does have a wife, she wouldn't be able to get air con fixed as only a man can do that?

The owner has says he's considering a second ad featuring the slogan "your husband is hot", but no doubt there would be complaints about that too, because 'why should a woman take care of a man', 'men can do things themselves', 'more mental load for women' etc etc. (Actually, I do think mental load is a real and exhausting thing, but you get the point.)

So, no, I don't think this advert is sexist.
If the advert actually discussed her body, or said she has to look a certain way to be desirable or to go to the beach, then yes, I wouldn't like that advert, but simply talking about her temperature? Nah.

Weekly Update No29

I have lost a little weight!  Not much, but a lost weight at the start of last week, and then kept constant weight for the rest of the week.  Considering I hadn't been feeling great and had been eating everything in sight, that's a win!

I am feeling better than I was last week, so thank you for your thoughts, prayers and messages.  I have some great friends, and though I still don't think I'm worthy of you, I thank God for you.  And I am seeing a counsellor for the first time this morning.  I don't really know what to expect, but it's a free session so we'll see.  At least I'm doing something proactive, which will hopefully turn my life to the better.

I am still having smoothies for breakfast/lunch (I drink them slowly so they last from 11am to 3 or 4pm).  I have had a couple of takeaways over the weekend, which was a bit naughty.  I'll be cooking properly tonight.  My husband is away with work for the week, so it's just me and the girls.  They have planned the food we'll be eating this week, but it's not all bad.  Yes there are hotdogs on one day (proper sausages for me and DD2, and yucky frankfurters for DD1), but there's also spaghetti and meatballs on another, and a few days they need packed tea due to their dancing.

From Daughter to Woman by Kim McCabe

From Daughter to Woman was recommended to me by a friend because I have two daughters swiftly approaching their teenage years.

The blurb says:

The teen years are tough - for teens and for parents. Many parents dread the moodiness, dishonesty, preference of friends over family, exam stress, and the push for greater independence. Mothers have a pivotal role to play; this is a guidebook for parents and mothers of girls in particular as they navigate the rocky teenage landscape with their daughters aged 8 to 18. It aims to help them embrace the potential of their child's teenage years by marking this time of growing maturity for girls and celebrating it with them. We celebrate birth, marriage and death, but this important life-transition from child to young adult is nowadays rarely acknowledged within an appropriate community.

With mental health issues in young people on the rise, and social media, reality television and smartphone culture serving to exacerbate these problems, it is no surprise that parents are looking for help in raising their daughters through these tricky years. From Daughter to Woman is the indispensable guide to doing just that.

Having just finished this book, it was really good and it has made me think about ways to connect and reconnect with my daughters.  There is a lot in there about growing up, puberty, starting periods etc and it suggests having a coming-of-age ceremony for your daughter(s), whether that me something simple between the two of you, or a large party with everyone you know. 

I would recommend reading this when your daughters are younger (by the age of 8) so you can prepare things in your own mind.  For example, my elder daughter is 11yo and has already started her periods so all that side of thing was too late for her.  Yet, there are things I can take from the book, and the idea of a coming-of-age thing, especially as she has made the adult decision of taking control of her own education and going to school, is something I am considering and seeing what I can do over the summer, before she starts school in September.

The other striking idea from the book, is about having a collection of women to support a girl growing up (it takes a village to raise a child).  Within the book she discusses group meetings (not that we'd have time with all the dancing my kids do), but the suggestions of having some older women whom my daughters could trust and be able to confide in (especially when they have a phase where they don't want to talk to me) is a good one.  Not having brought my girls up like that, I don't know how to approach the topic with them, nor deciding who would be good to take on those roles.  But again, it is something I am now thinking about and considering.  So even if your daughters are older than mine, if they are still in the teenage years, it would be worth reading this book.

Weekly Update No28

No weight loss this week.  Quelle surprise.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up on pretending to lose weight, but I know that I need to in order to have the surgery I want in a few years time.

Yes, this is how I started last week's update, because I need to do everything I said I was going to do last week.

My MH dropped at the end of last week.  Not because of my failure to lose weight, but that contributed to it.  I feel like a fraud and that I don't have any worth.  

On the positive side, I actually called out for help - in a way.  I put a vague status update on FB asking for prayers.  But I did get the help and validation I needed and I feel better this morning.  It's easy to pretend, especially on social media, but we all need help sometimes.  Me especially. I can't even answer "how are you?" honestly, even if I know the other person would want to hear the truth.

I am drinking smoothies for lunches, and I have been all week.  I do tend to get really hungry around 5pm, though, which is when I crave foods not conducive to weightloss, and to which I have been giving in too easily.  I need to get back to meal planning properly.  My cleaner has come back now, so my kitchen is reasonably clean, which means I don't really have an excuse not to cook more.

Love Me, Dreamy by Laura Burton

It is always a privilege to be asked to review a book by an up-and-coming author.  This is the third book I have read by Laura Burton, and the third in her Love Me series (the previous two being Love Me, Crazy and Love Me, Sweetie).

Love Me, Dreamy is another cozy romance, with a paranormal twist.
The blurb says:

Sitting on a park bench, Amelia can't remember how she got there. But when a young, Californian surfer wanders up, figuring it out doesn't seem so important. The chance meeting leads to a date and then another. Sparks fly and although she never imagined falling in love with someone so much younger than her, he's perfect. 

That is... except for the strange men in black suits who keep showing up. Are they being followed? 

Toby knows a secret, but if he tells Amelia, he risks losing her forever. With the guardians set on tearing him away from her, he whisks Amelia to another part of the world. They're safe, but not for long. Their relationship is put to the ultimate test, when Toby and Amelia stand at the top of a waterfall. With only one chance to stay alive, he asks her to take a leap of faith. Amelia thinks they will surely die, but Toby insists it's the only way to be together.

As someone who reads a fair bit of fantasy/sci-fi/paranormal fiction this book was not what I was expecting.  That's not to say it is bad, not at all.  I got through the 300ish pages in a couple of days.  It was very easy to read and very enjoyable; it was just not what I expected.  I'm not going to give any spoilers because it is worth reading, but means it is hard for me to expand on what I was expecting and the actual story-line.  I just wish we could have found out a bit more about the guardians.Who are they? Why are they there? If this hasn't happened before, why are they needed in the first place? How do they travel? How do they know?  If there was to be a spin-off from this book, that is the direction I would be hoping for.

The love story between Amelia and Tody is captivating.  Toby helps Amelia discover herself, face her fears and become more spontaneous.  He is charming, being a gorgeous surfer who seems to have fallen in love at first sight, despite their age gap, and Amelia starts to fall for him too.  They travel together across the globe, and Amelia has many new experiences with her beau, until the guardians get closer and they have to make a life-changing choice: should they jump?

For those who don't normally like paranormal fiction, don't let that put you off.  It's another well-written love story that will make your heart soar.