Depression and Me

I thought I’d write this post about my depression, because it’s something I don’t talk about very much in real life, and mental health is something really important, and we shouldn’t be afraid to speak about it.

Depression is defined in Google’s dictionary as “feelings of severe despondency and dejection” and by the NHS as “if you're depressed, you feel sad, hopeless and lose interest in things you used to enjoy”. Some people call it the black dog, under the black cloud, the invisible illness, or simply say they’re “not well”. Statistically more than 3% of adults are diagnosed/depressed each year, but it’s very important to remember that everybody is an individual, and just because something worked for you or a friend, or your second-cousin-twice-removed’s neighbour’s uncle’s dog, does not mean that it will work for the next person, especially if you are also advocating that they come off any prescribed medication.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about suicidal thoughts etc.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed. I don’t remember when it started, but I do know a catalogue of things that contributed to it, and I was depressed by the time I was 13. At one point, a couple of my close friends were also depressed and talked of suicide, so at school I would try and comfort and support them. I think I did an ok job? (none of them committed suicide), though one did self harm occasionally. Looking back, I never told a teacher or their parents about it. I didn’t want them to get in trouble. I was stupid and wrong.

At 15yo I was definitely suicidal. On the outside I have everything going for me, and I didn’t like to be the centre of attention, so I didn’t tell a soul. Literally nobody. I was a “good” girl, I was academically able, I had friends to chat to at school and would visit their homes. There was nothing “wrong”, so I kept all my feelings inside and lived inside my head a lot of the time. At one point, I was very low, and held a steak knife pointed into my stomach, under the table, over dinner. It was pointy! (understatement!) but I was aware enough to know that that wouldn’t be a pleasant way to go, especially as if I'd failed, I would probably have given myself an infection. I had actually planned out my suicide. I’m not going to describe it here. I will say, that it was the ‘best’ that I could come up with, that would achieve it’s goal according to my own parameters. Nobody needed me. Nobody liked me. Nobody loved me. I was an annoyance at school and to my family. Nobody would miss me. Why didn’t I go through with it? Because, knowing how my family worked, it would be my mum who found me and I didn’t think that was fair on her.

Throughout this time I was a Christian. I didn’t attend church (I wasn’t allowed to), but did go to (and run for a while) my school’s Christian Union. I read the Bible, and prayed daily. Often crying out for help. I do believe God heard me. I came through my suicidal thoughts, by the time I was 18. Looking back, I should have told someone. I should have gone to the GP and got antidepressants. I should not have tried to go through it alone (albeit with God by my side). I was lucky, and do feel blessed by God for that experience.

Depression has never totally gone away; it always bubbles under the surface. Most of the time at university, I forgot about it. Occasionally my mood would dip, especially if I was struggling with the work, but overall things were ok.

When I became pregnant with DD1 I had a horrendous time. Initially I was told I’d miscarried, but I hadn’t.  Then I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum - extreme “morning sickness” that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Because she was “small for dates” I was told she probably had a chromosome disorder, but they wouldn’t know until she was born because I chose not to have the full set of tests available. She was 2 weeks overdue when born via Emergency Caesarian Section, after a failed induction. From the EmCS I got an infection in my abdomen, and because of the pain meds I got an anal fissure. And she didn’t take to breastfeeding very well, despite having may breastfeeding counsellors trying to help, so I had bleeding and agonising nipples for the first 8 weeks of her life. Was it a surprise I had PND and PTSD?
Fortunately, my health visitor was a wonderful lady and picked up on the signs. I am very self-aware, and knew something wasn’t right, not least because of the effect my husband had on me: I had such a fear of getting pregnant, that if my husband came near me, even to the point of holding my hand, my head, my brain would SCREAM at me. A high pitch, not-quite-audible alarm, even though my rational brain knew my husband just wanted to show affection or comfort me, and I wanted him to. So, my HV arranged for me to see a counsellor – what a waste of time and space. I explained everything that happened in the pregnancy, birth, post-birth. I explained about my head screaming if my husband would dare to touch my shoulder, even though rationally I knew there was nothing to fear. She asked me whether I wanted to have sex with my husband – yes I wanted to, but physically/psychologically couldn’t. Then her advice to me what to buy a vibrator. Seriously! I never went back.

It took longer than I hoped, but by getting a copy of my maternity notes, and getting support from various online communities, I did get past it, and DD2 was born. I had a slight dip again, after she was born, but nowhere near as bad as after DD1’s birth.

Life went on, and my mood would go up and down. I discovered that internally, I’m a very angry person. I wouldn’t necessarily show it in public, but sometimes some of my thoughts or actions would scare myself. I put myself through an anger management course, and did learn some useful techniques. However a few years ago a load of shit happened at the same time: beloved grandparents died, my mum’s cancer diagnosis, my father-in-law’s mental health issues, my husband had job issues – it all felt like it was getting on top of me.

At first I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve been depressed before, and I wasn’t as bad as I was then. I wasn’t suicidal, though I occasionally had bad thoughts – that was my gauge: if I started thinking about how I’d planned suicide previously, even though I knew I didn’t want to go through with it, that was the time to start making time for myself, looking after my mental health and start to work through it.

Then, over 2 years ago now, I had a full hysterectomy and BSO. I was put into immediate surgical menopause, but thankfully was given HRT (oestrogen patches) straight after the operation. After a few months, I could feel myself getting more and more angry, and wondered whether it was a side effect of the menopause and my HRT needed increasing, so went to see my GP. She was lovely, asked a few questions, including whether I thought I was depressed and whether I was suicidal. I explained that I had in the past, but didn’t think I was depressed now; and that I wasn’t suicidal, but thoughts about suicide had started occurring more frequently, so I knew it was a sign that something had to be done. I was told that what I was feeling was not due to the menopause, but I was clearly depressed – I’d just lived with fairly low level depression for so long that it was normal for me, and she prescribed me with antidepressants.

It makes such a difference to me. I’ve been on the medication for 2 years now, and if I accidentally forget to take it, it makes a difference to my mood immediately. Admittedly, I tend not to notice at the time – I’ll think the girls are playing up more than usual, or DD1 is having a pre-teen mood swing – but when I realise I have missed a tablet, all the extra arguments, irritations and niggles makes sense.

My mood does still go up and down. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Normally it manifests itself in terms of my executive functioning ability. I can’t keep control of my house. My personal hygiene starts to decline. I feel like my children hate me. I want to hide from everything and everyone. Getting out of bed is difficult. I can’t sleep until the early hours, and then can’t wake in the morning. Everything is too much effort. I can’t cook, so my eating goes out of control, and then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. And I’m angry.

But it is somewhat predictable. I know it will pass, and it does. I try not to impact my children, and will still drive them about the place, even when I really don’t want to. And soon enough, it has passed, and I’m back to being stable again. I know I get affected by SAD, so as the nights and mornings are getting lighter, I feel in control again, and there is longer between the dips.

If you, or anyone you know suffers with depression, please encourage them. Include them and invite them, even if you know they may need to turn it down. Give them practical help, especially if they feel they can’t leave their home for a while. Love them. Encourage them to see their GP, because 1. medication is not evil and 2. there are other treatments such as counselling, or CBT etc. Listen to them. Be there, not necessarily saying or doing anything, just sitting. Remind them that they are not alone.

We care. We will help. We love you.

I wish I knew who created this to give them the credit.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):

Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 

Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Bloom: 50 Things by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young

The full title of this book is Bloom: 50 Things to Say, Think, and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids and anyone who knows DD1 knows this is a perfect description of her!  She is lovable and intelligent, but when her anxiety is high or she becomes frustrated, that is when we see the other side of her.

The description says:

Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Come to understand the developmental origins of behaviors and take a fresh look at how you can address them with skill-building techniques that produce real and lasting change.

Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, Bloom offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment.

The first book of its kind, Bloom provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Bloom allows you to take a collaborative stance with your children, improving their cognitive, emotional and social skills. Bloom offers a new approach to human relationships that will change the way you perceive, think and feel about parenting, love, work and life. Bloom changes everything. If it works wonders with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, imagine what it can do for your child.

BONUS: Each chapter has a QR code that links to bonus videos so you can hear directly from the authors about each topic.

The book is split into 11 chapters on a variety of subjects from Biting to Grief.  Within each chapter, there are also examples of What to Say,  What to Think, What to Do when you encounter each behaviour, with the aim that your own reaction doesn't exasperate the situation - something I admit I need help with as DD1 is a helluva lot teeny weeny little bit like me...

I thought this was a good book, and would be really useful for some children and parents.

The downside, for me, is that it concentrates on young children, up to age 10.  Now ideally, all this issues would be sorted by then, but DD1 is older and still gets anxious, angry and over-the-top.  Maybe because she is [undiagnosed] on the autistic spectrum, maybe because I'm a crap parent, maybe because we're too similar and I can't see the wood for the trees as I empathise with how she's feeling whilst also trying to gain the control that my parents had over me when I was that age.  Either way, I didn't find the book as useful as I had hoped, but I wish I had discovered it earlier.

If you have a young child who sounds like the description, I would recommend this book to you.

Bright and Quirky Summit 2019

A friend recommended the Bright and Quirky Summit 2019 to be because, in short, that phrase accurately describes DD1.  It is free to join, and consists of 7 days of 4-5 lectures per day (each one 30-60 minutes); and started yesterday at 3pm GMT (which I think is 7am PST or 10am EST for those in the US). Each day's worth of talks are available for 24hours; or you can pay to have an all access pass which gives you access to the talks for longer.

Day 1: Understand your Uniquely Wired Child
Day 2: Managing Emotional Intensity, Meltdowns and Behaviour
Day 3: Navigating School and Learning Challenges
Day 4: Managing Social Challenges and Building Community
Day 5: Increasing Focus, Motivation and Executive Function
Day 6: Calming Stress, Anxiety and Perfectionism
Day 7: Parenting Complex Bright and Quirky Kids

I haven't watched all the videos from Day 1 yet, but because there were technical difficulties yesterday, Day 1 is accessible for a further 24hours.  I am currently listening to Day 2's talk by Ross Greene, and already he has said something great, that I figure I should do an extra blog post today, so that other people can benefit from the conference.

Paraphrased, Ross Greene said "consequences don't solve the problem, they only modify the behaviour that is being caused by the problem". Wow, interesting!  Definitely something to mull over!

And Laura Markham said [after demonstrating a parent shouting back]: "you're escalating the upset, and your child is not learning self regulation".  Ooops - Guilty!

So, if you think your child can be described by Bright, or Quirky, or both(!) then I think it'll be worth your time listening to some of the talks this week.

Parable of the Talents

Today concluded our Church's series on Time.  At the start of each year, the church does a series on the 5 rocks of the church: Trinity-centred, Bible Based, Gospel Absorbed, Growth Focused, and Mission Minded; as I said, the overarching topic this year was about Time.  Every week, there has been this quote from Matt Fuller's Book Time for Everything: "You don't have time to do everything you want to do, but you do have time to do everything God wants you to do".

Admittedly, I haven't read the book myself (it is on my WishList!), so this is not a review of the book, and I may have even mis-remembered the exact wording of the quote, however, there is a great truth there - I don't have time to do everything I want to do.  Every minute of the day, I confront that truth.  It is amazing and refreshing to see that there is time to do everything God wants me to do.

The sermon today was on The Parable of the Talents from Matthew 25.  I have linked to the full quote, but the story is a familiar one: a Master gives his Servants talents to look after in his absence.

When he returns, the servants who have doubled their money are praised, and the servant who returns the initial money is chastised.

I have always found this difficult to comprehend - why is the servant who returns the money chastised?  He hadn't lost it, he kept it safe, what is wrong with that?  Sermons in the past have likened the money in the parable, to spiritual gifts or talents, that we should use for God.  You may remember my previous blog post about Spiritual Gifts, and I have been helping more within the church.  However, it has always seemed harsh to me, that if you don't have many gifts, then the little you do have will be taken away.

Well, Sunday's sermon separated the use of the word 'talent' (which incidentally is a measure of weight, approximately 35kg - in which case I am over 2 talents, lol) from our modern understand of talents, being skills or achievements.  It talked about how everything we have is from God, and we should use it all wisely for His glory.

When listening to the sermon it occurred to me, that my trouble with this was the use of the words Master and Servants.  A more relevant analogy (to me, anyway) is that of a business man and his employees:

A business man was very generous, giving his employees a good salary and bonus. He delegates managing his finances to his employees before he departs for a while according to their ability.  One has £5M, one has £2M and one has £1M.   When he returns, he asks his employees to come to account.  The one who was trusted with £5M, worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  Similarly the one who was trusted with £2M worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  The one who only had £1M, didn't work hard at all.  He used his time for himself, and though he was able to return the initial £1M, the business man chastised him for being lazy and wicked.

The sermon from Sunday didn't use the business man analogy, but did explain why the Master was angry with the third servant.  God gives each of us His Blessings and time within which to do good for His Kingdom.  Sometimes this may require us to take a risk, and sometimes that risk may not appear to pay off.  It is up to us, however, to work hard and use our time wisely and faithfully, rather than spending time on selfish pursuits.

Weekly Update No4

This week I aimed to lose 0.5kg.

I haven't managed it.  It was my own fault, not only because I'm the one who controls what I put into my mouth or how much I move, but also because I hadn't done the shopping this week.  Usually, I meal plan, then buy what is needed so that I can prepare healthy, satisfying meals.  This week, however, I couldn't be bothered.  The mental load was too much for me, and I simply didn't want the responsibility.
So, I didn't.

And neither did anyone else.  Cue a week of spending too much money because we had to buy convenience food for every meal, plus a week of very unhealthy food because a lot of it was fast food, or takeaways, or generally prepackaged food with too much salt or sugar.

So, yesterday I spent a couple of hours planning what we're going to eat - determining whether I have time cook in the evening, or if I need to use the slow cooker because I'm chauffeuring the girls around (and whether I have time in the morning to put it on in amongst our home ed commitments), or whether the girls need a packed tea because they're out or evening, or whether we need something that I can simply empty out of packaging and reheat, or whether I have time to prep food in advance, to make meal times easier.  And after all that, I then spent another hour ordering food online to be delivered this morning.

And this morning, the food will arrive. As there is no Science Club today, I will hopefully have time to prep the meals that I need to; prep salads so I can have healthy lunches or snacks.
With a kitchen full of healthy foods, I know I will do better.

Love Me, Sweetie by Laura Burton

Nearly 2 months ago Laura's Beautiful World asked me to review her first novel, Love Me, Crazy.
Now, she has finished the sequel - Love Me, Sweetie - and has asked me to write another review!

Love Me, Sweetie follows new characters, so although it is a sequel to the first book, it can be read as a standalone book.
Ada inherited a sweet shop following the death of her father.  As the months roll by, the sweet shop is losing money and Ada, nor her cousin Lucas are taking a wage; when in walks a stranger, Daniel, who offers to buy the shop and turn it into a Gluten Free Cafe.

The blurb says:

Ada is a 24 year old woman living in Swindon, who has bright-coloured hair and a daring fashion sense. Her world was pretty sweet until it all came crashing down one fateful day. Totally unprepared for what's to come, Ada inherits a struggling sweet shop that has been in her family for generations. Meanwhile, cross-fit loving, business man Daniel comes into the picture and has his eyes on Ada's shop, keen to buy it out and turn it into a gluten-free cafe. Can Ada resist Daniel's charm and save the shop? Or will Daniel end up with more than he bargained for? 

This is a much more typical love story, and I enjoyed it more than the first book.  I found it easy to relate to the characters, and get invested in their lives.  As in all good stories, it is not a straight road.  There are twists and turns, happiness and sadness, between the covers of this book, and the ending is well worth waiting for.
And you will have to wait, as the book is only available for pre-order at the moment (due mid-February 2019).  But when you do get a copy, prepare yourself with a good cuppa and a packet of tissues; put your feet up and delve right in.

The KonMari Method of Tidying

A few years ago, after being prompted by a friend, I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo.  There were parts of the book that really struck a chord with me (such as only keeping items that you feel good about - or "Spark Joy" as Marie Kondo terms it - and making sure everything has its own place) but other parts didn't feel right to me, so I skimmed past those as a bit weird or odd.

Now, here we are 3.5years since I read the book, and my friend is now the First KonMari Consultant in my county.  My house, however, hasn't changed that much, but I am much more discerning about what I bring into the house in the first place - it's a start!  DD1, otoh, loves to have a tidy bedroom but has a lot of stuff.  I often find her watching YouTube clips about various "life hacks" in order to tidy and organise her belongings.  She is naturally a bit of a hoarder - in the past she cried because DD2 was happy to recycle one of her own pictures, and ended up taking it out of the bin and kept it herself!  Given there is the new Netflix series, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, I thought this might be more accessible for my daughter than reading the book.

On a humorous note, when about to start watching a new episode we noticed the Netflix glitch was still there.  Not quite as funny as the machine gun one, but still made DD1 chuckle at the image.

I am please that DD1 is enjoying the series and it is inspiring her to sort through her belongings, and she is even considering donating some things (a HUGE thing!!).

For me, however, something was still niggling me, and I finally found out what it was: the practice of Shintoism as part of the tidying methodology, which conflicts with my Christianity.
For example, when entering a house, Marie Kondo will find a space, and then take a moment to introduce herself and greet the house, and thank it for being a shelter.  This is a bit weird to me, because the house is an inanimate object so didn't choose to be a shelter or not.  As a Christian, however, we should be thanking God for the provision of shelter and refuge.  So, it is possible to adapt some of the practices and meditate on the Word of God, instead.

Psalm 91:1,2

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Similarly, in order to identify whether an item sparks joy you are meant to hold every item individually, and if it doesn't you still need to thank the object.  Animism is antithetical to Christianity, which holds that there is One God.  He, alone, is to be worshipped and all other idols are to be put away.

 Deuteronomy 6:4 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 

Exodus 20:3

You shall have no other gods before me. 

That said, with awareness and spiritual discernment, it is possible to follow the KonMari method without practising any of the Shinto elements.  Indeed, Matthew 6 mentions giving to the poor (which is a great thing to do with the items you no longer want in your home, rather than binning them to landfill) and emphasising that Christians should not be storing up personal possessions unnecessarily.

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The KonMari method separates everything into 5 categories, which should be sorted through in order:

1. Clothes
2. Books
3. Papers
4. Miscellaneous
5. Sentimental Items

Anything that does not spark joy, you should discard - anything that doesn't fit, is broken, or just doesn't get used anymore.  Each category should be sorted in one go, so rather than doing 5 or 10 minutes here and there, get all your clothes, for example and sort through them, making sure each item that remains has a home before you move to the next category.

For me, though, the biggest thing I have gained from reading and watching Marie Kondo, is learning how to fold clothes and store objects.  The biggest difference, to how I used to do it, is storing as many things as possible vertically in drawers.  This means that, in one glance, you can see everything you own, rather than having to rummage through drawers, messing up what was once folded.

One last thing, there are a lot of memes around at the moment, regarding Marie Kondo saying that you should own less than 30 books.  As a self-confessed bibliophile, that's not a pleasant thought. What she actually said was: "I now keep my collection of books to about thirty volumes at any one time." Thirty books work for her - but she doesn't say that everybody should only have 30 books.  It's about what sparks joy for you.  I do have some books that I possibly could get rid of now; I have many more books that I want to keep until my girls have left home as I think they'll be useful for their home education; and I have a fair few hundreds books that I will keep, possibly forever.  If you do keep a lot of books, make sure they are stored correctly and cared for. Simple.