Heart Song by Desiree Williams

Having recently finished a fantasy series that consumed me for a bit, I wanted to read something a bit lighter, so I decided upon a romance.  As I buy many books that are free, I have a huge variety of genres of fiction on my kindle, and many of the romances are historical fiction from America: Texan Brides, Women of the Prairie and series like that. [I should input here, that I have no idea if those are genuine titles, but they are the type of thing I mean.]  I was expecting Heart Song to be of that ilk.

The other thing about choosing books from my kindle, is that I don't see the book cover when I choose, nor do I read the blurb.  I literally choose books based on the title and whether they sound like the type of thing I fancy.  And that'll be why this book wasn't anything like I imagined!

The blurb on Amazon states:

In Aldonnia, the evil of Varkadon overflows its borders. War ravages the lands…

For as long as eighteen year-old Alanna can remember she’s lived in hiding, sealed off from the outside world. Despite a future built around a steadfast rule of seclusion, Alanna dreams of the impossible. Of a life outside of her parents’ cabin. A life with more for company than just birds and woodland creatures. A life she knows deep down is impossible for someone with gifts like hers.

That all changes the day Alanna finds a man floating face down in a stream. Despite her parents’ warnings, Alanna pulls the injured man out of the water and heals him with her elemental talents. Just another good deed. Until the man wakes and Alanna realizes so much more has happened than simply a life saved. The healing she performed on the stranger bound her soul to Jerric, the prince of Aldonnia. 

Alanna’s heart wants to keep the prince, but duty and destiny intervene. Alanna’s world is rocked as her parents are lost. Left in the care of family she didn’t know, Alanna learns more than she wanted to about the evil threatening the lands. There is much more behind her parents’ drive to protect. Alanna learns her gifts were bestowed in order to fulfill a greater purpose. A greater calling. One her enemies seek to destroy at all cost. 

Alanna’s choice is clear. To either ignore her destiny and remain hidden, or boldly fight to keep what sings to her heart.

So, yes, this book is a romance, but it is also a fantasy book too.  There are different groups of people: some, such as Alanna, can manipulate air or water, earth or fire; some are shape-shifters and can transform into an animal according to their clan; and others have different skills too.

The ongoing war is the back-drop to the plot; there are battles, injuries and death, but the author doesn't delve into the gruesomeness and horror of war, so would be suitable for younger readers too.

Given that I only read one fiction book at a time (unlike non-fiction when I always have multiple books on the go), it was addictive enough that I read all three books in the trilogy in four days.  An enjoyable read and I think you'd get enjoyment if you picked it up solely for either the romance or the fantasy.

Don't "quarrel over opinions"

The sermon at church last Sunday focussed on Romans 14-15:13.  The passage talks about having differing opinions within the church; not to judge each other, but "be fully convinced in his own mind".  We should build each other up and not to "put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother".

On Wednesday evening, at growth group, we discussed this further and talked about how we should approach topics that we have differing opinions on, whether it matters if we have differing interpretations, and how, in turn, we could talk to non-believers.  I found this discussion particularly interesting because I know I have different opinions to most of the people in my church.

My position is that there are core beliefs within Christianity, and many peripherals.  Core beliefs for me, include the belief in the Triune God, the belief in an afterlife, God speaks to us through the Bible, sin is anything that takes us away from a relationship with God, and can be summarised by the three commandments: Love God, Love your neighbours, Love your enemies.
Peripherals, otoh, are things that do not affect your faith, but are different interpretations or understandings of different parts of faith.  For me, these are many of the controversial topics, such as evolution/creation, as well as things like Adult/Child Baptism or even how a person will experience Heaven/Hell.

I was brave on Wednesday, and I mentioned the fact that I think evolution is true, and that it agrees with the Bible: In the Beginning there was nothing [observable, there was God], then Something, there was light and dark, then waters and land, then plants, then fish, then animals, then people.  2 Peter 3:8 says "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day", so though I do believe

that "with God, all things are possible" (Matt 19:26) I don't think it actually happened within 6 days.  I could be wrong, of course, and most of the people in my church do believe in 6-day Creationism.  I could get up to Heaven and God say to me "what a numpty, I told you!", but I honestly don't think it matters.  In my mind, the Bible contains the Truth of God; it is the story of God's People (the Jews) and God's Love for us as He sent us His son. The Bible is God-breathed or God-inspired, but isn't intended (imo) to be a historic-scientific record.  Some of it is recorded as happened, some of it is poetry, some of it is prophesy, some of it is metaphor etc.

So, though I do have differing opinions on parts of Christianity (and some are very non-traditional such as my personal belief that Heaven and Hell are the same physical place, and it's our acceptance/non-acceptance of God that differs our experience) I don't go around my church telling them I think they are wrong, unless it comes up in conversation.  I could be wrong, and I would not want to cause someone to stumble away from the Lord, rather I want to draw people to be in a relationship with Him.

Oops, I did it again!

Not singing Britney (though I have been known to do that after I've had one too many...) but I stopped tracking what I've been eating on my Facebook Page and the results haven't been pretty.  I have been pretty stressed (and I am an emotional eater) which has resulted in me eating far too much of the wrong things, and not enough of the right things.  There's nothing wrong with having a treat; indeed Treat not Cheat is one of the 2B Mindset mantras, but we should still be sticking to Water First and Veggies Most.

I have been following the 2B Mindset for nearly 2 months now and have not lost anywhere near 2lbs a week. So, with the holiday season approaching (Happy Thanksgiving for my American friends) I'm taking stock of what I have achieved. 

Other than a couple of occasions, I have not been posting my daily weigh-ins.  Weight does fluctuate daily, but the scale is a good indicator of what is going well and not-so-well.  I have plotted my weight over the past few weeks, both individually, and I have basically smoothed it out by looking at a 5-day average.

The good news is that my weight is clearly dropping.  It may not be dropping as fast as I would like, but then if I were that eager to lose weight, I would be more mindful of what I ate and more determined to always drink water first, etc.  If you have been following my tracking for the barely-two-weeks when I was writing down what I was eating, you can see that I haven't always had mostly vegetables on my plate, and have eaten too many 'silly carbs' and sugar.  So, though I am reprimanding myself, I am conscious that had I been more mindful about what I was eating, then I could have lost a lot more weight. 

So, looking at the graph, I am taking a positive that I am losing weight, I am heading in the right direction, and this is something I can do.  As Ilana says:

"Positive People, Positive Weight loss"

Undraland by Mary E Twomey

I've just read the first five books of this series.  As usual, I got the first one for free, then it had me hooked so I ended up buying the rest.  (Technically, there are four further books in the series, but the story seemed to end nicely there, so I've stopped for now.)

 Lucy is a normal human, with no magic of her own, who has a hard life after her parents and brother die, and gets transported to a different world, and discovers a mission that she needs to undertake with companions of a variety of races and temperaments.




The blurb on Amazon states:

Still reeling from the deaths of her family, Lucy Kincaid is struggling to get her life back on track. But when the short-tempered and sexy Jens saves her from an attack, Lucy is swept away to a world she's never imagined.

Suddenly, fairytale creatures are no longer make-believe--and adventure is hers for the taking. As Lucy delves deeper into this fantastical realm, she encounters oversized garden gnomes, warrior elves, Nøkken, Fossegrimens, and worst of all, Sirens with a vendetta. But can the irresistible garden gnome, Jens give her the "happily-ever-after" she's always dreamed about? 

Obviously, it's a fantasy book, and I would say it's aimed at teens and young adults.  There is a lot of romance, but equally there is adventure and battles to save the day. Not everything goes well, and there are some darker issues explored within Undraland such as sexism, slave trade, discrimination, drugs and unfaithfulness. One thing I particularly liked about this book is that it contains no sex, so I'd feel comfortable with older children/teens reading it.  There is a lot of kissing and a bit of rolling around on the bed... but the heroine is a virgin and it's not considered a negative thing.

So yes, I enjoyed it enough to keep buying the next book to see what happened next.  It's not a difficult read, and I could read a book in a day or two.

Difficult decisions

I've been very quiet this past week, because we have had a lot going on, and it has been quite stressful.

My husband's dad has various mental health issues which we had repeatedly been told was "only" anxiety and depression, but this past summer he was also diagnoses with vascular dementia.  he appeared to be fine until he retired 5ish years ago, and then rapidly went downhill.  He lives alone, but has at times had to be sectioned, and has had spells in hospital due to physical ailments (for example the time he fell down the stairs at night, only for his carers to find him, take him back upstairs and put him to bed rather than calling an ambulance - it turned out he has broken his neck and had bleeding on the brain!).  Unfortunately, he lives 2+ hours away, so though my husband tries to visit every weekend he can, it isn't easy for us.  My sister-in-law (SIL) lives closer to her dad, but still an hour away.  At least she can visit during the week, and she takes a greater hands-on role with regards to her dad's finances etc.

Recently, my father-in-law (FIL) has been getting better.  He has started taking care of his appearance and health by going for runs.  He cooks for himself, and has been going shopping both for food and

for presents for my girls.  Things had been looking up, though he does sometimes still get confused, so SIL still tells him to let her know if he spends anything.  He took this to mean, don't spend anything at all - so he cancelled his house insurance without telling anyone.

Last week, FIL fixed a leaking pipe in his house.  A couple of days later, his house flooded.  The pipe was leaking anyway, so it could have flooded without his fix, but either way, his house is uninhabitable and he has no insurance to cover it.

FIL told his social worker (SW) that he would live with us as we have a big house.  His social worker phoned my husband saying that we needed to take him, which my husband refused without being able to speak to me first.  (Sometimes, in day to day living I forget how blessed I am to have such a considerate husband.)  The SW then put FIL in a carehome that costs £600/wk!  SIL then starts pressurising us to take FIL into our home, and that she would in an instant be she only has a 1bed and FIL would have to sleep on the sofa.

Now, we do have a big home, but we also have 4 of us living here.  If FIL were to have turned up last week, he would be sleeping on the sofa in our house. 

In addition to this, whereas SIL works all day so her flat would be empty (FIL lives alone anyway, so it wouldn't make any difference to him), I home educate my girls, so we use all the rooms in the house during the day, and the girls have to be my priority, not caring for someone else.
If we did have him stay, we would have had to empty the junk work room, and put a camp-bed in there, so he would have been sleeping practically on the floor. 
I also tutor in my home during the day, so for those hours, he would have either had to stay in his box room, or go out on the streets of an area that he is not familiar with.
We would have to register him with our GP, but getting appointments etc is a nightmare at the moment, so that would not be good for him.
We briefly mentioned the possibility to the girls, but DD1 immediately had a meltdown.  Obviously she loves her grandad, but her anxiety shot sky-high at the thought of having someone else in her safe-space/home.

Both the SW and SIL think it wouldn't be a problem having FIL here.  He could get the two trains here by himself [without getting lost? really?]; he wouldn't interfere with our routine at all; he'd only be here a few days or maybe a week [really? I don't know the details of the damage to his home, but if it is uninhabitable, it could take months to dry out before any works can begin to fix the damage] and basically we're really selfish for not having him here straight away.  If he is that 'well', why has he been put in an expensive carehome, rather than a hotel for a few nights or even renting a 1bed nearby where he can check on the progress of his home?

My husband and I spent a lot of time, thinking through different options.  Having him here to stay isn't impossible, however I would have to have some ground rules.  My own anxiety/autism would require there to be a definite end-date.  I could cope having him here until the end of January, but no longer.  If he were here, how could we get him to leave if he didn't want to? He only eats plain/British foods; I'm happy to cook for him what I'm cooking, but given that I already cook 2 different meals if the kids don't eat what I like, I don't want to cook more.  He currently has carers coming in for him, how would that transfer here?  Would the SW be signing him off to us, to reduce her own caseload, and refuse to have him back afterwards?

I spent some time praying about it because, as a Christian, I do want to do what is best, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't think having him here is the best thing for him.  If his dementia gets worse, I don't have the skills to care for him.  Even if his dementia doesn't, if his anxiety/depression worsens, I would find it difficult to cope, let alone the kids!

My husband has gone to visit his dad again today.  I have emailed across a list of places to rent - there is currently a 1bed, partially furnished, house round the corner from FIL's house for only £300pm!  (An eighth of the cost of the carehome he's been put in.) It's a good price, and he would be able to go to his house when he needed anything, and would be around to check the drying out and work being done on his own home.  Even local B&Bs and Hotels are only roughly £55pn (less than £400pw), considerably less than £600pw carehome that presumably he doesn't need to be in, if he is as well as the SW and SIL claim!

Coming to this conclusion has been difficult, and I do feel bad about it - mostly for my husband who is the one getting pressurised.

"You better hope I don't die, then"

Last night, it was my turn to take the girls to bed. 

DD2 can't sleep unless someone is nearby.  As she has bunkbeds, it used to be the case that she'd sleep on the top bunk, and my husband or I would lie on the bottom bunk until she fell asleep.  This wasn't too bad an arrangement, because it was comfortable, and with a torch I could get on with some much needed reading.  Over time, we managed to pull away, so that we were sitting on the landing outside her bedroom door as she fell asleep; which meant we could get away a bit earlier than previously.  Recently, however, she has taken to sleeping on her bedroom floor, with her head on the landing, so she can watch us as she falls asleep, meaning we're back to being upstairs for hours in the evening.

DD1, otoh, being older is generally ok at going to bed by herself.  She is s...l...o...w getting washed, preferring to tap dance in the bathroom than brushing her teeth, but usually she does it, goes to bed, has a quick hug, reads a bit and goes to sleep.

Not last night.

DD1 has arachnophobia and really really panics if she sees a spider, even a money one.  Yesterday morning, she saw one on the corner of her ceiling as she was waking up, and managed to get up and get out without screaming the house down. Hurray for small wins! 

Unfortunately, this all came back to her as she was going to bed.  She does have anxiety at the best of time, and this was too much as she was heading into a full blown panic.  DD1 doesn't panic quietly, or hyperventilate or anything like that; she screams; full volume; and gets angry. 

So, I'm trying to calm DD1 down and quieten her down whilst simultaneously getting DD2 to sleep, and it's not working.  I suggest to DD1 that she takes one of her anxiety sweets and she angrily retorts "That's not going to help at all, is it?".  I ask her what will help, and she wants me to search her room for hidden spiders.  I look in all the corners and they are all spider-free, but that's not good enough for DD1, she wants me to hunt through all her things.  Now, DD1's bedroom is a mess.  She has a small bedroom, but between both children they share a 'play room' so there does not need to be any toys in her bedroom, just clothes, make-up and a few personal belongings.  DD1 is screaming at me that I need to look harder. I  repeat that I have looked, there's nothing there, and I need her to quieten down so DD2 can get to sleep.  I also suggest that she tries some deep breathing exercises (I particularly like the 1 breath in, 2 counts out, 3 in, 4 out... up to 10 counts, then start again) but that just resulted in DD1 getting more angry at me.

Meanwhile, my internal stress levels are rising rapidly.  I don't know whether it's because of my autism or my depression or my childhood or just that I'm emotionally inept, but I hate being shouted at.  I cannot cope with it, and my body goes into fight or flight mode.  I can feel it, but can't seem to do anything about it.

I try explaining to DD1 that I can't cope with the noise, that I need her to be quiet, that I have looked for spiders and there are none, that I have suggested things to calm her down, but she just needs to sleep, and that if her bedroom were tidy as I'd asked then it would be easy to check for spiders.  Admittedly, with my rational head this morning, my fight response may be winning at this moment, and my rational explanation may be coming across a bit shouty...

Either way, I realise there's no point DD1 and I shouting at each other, especially when I'm trying to get DD2 to sleep. So, I withdraw and go to DD2.  DD1 is still crying, but I cannot think what else I can try, that won't make it worse?  So I do something I'm not very good at, and ask for help.

My husband was watching TV when I ask him to help me.  His response, without asking what I need help with, is to storm upstairs, complaining how it's his turn to watch TV in an evening and I'm the parent so should know better.  He goes into DD1's room, and checks all around her room, accepts being shouted at, mysteriously calms her down, then comes out complaining to me again.  I start to say to my husband that I wanted help, I wanted to know how to help DD1 and I wasn't wanting him to do it for me. 

Apparently, it's easy: I simply have to stand there and let her shout and scream at me until she calms down.  But, I can't do that.  My body/brain/whatever won't let me.  I've tried.  I put up with it when she was a baby (you literally could set your watch by her.  Between 2pm and 6pm every day, she would scream constantly, no matter what I tried.  Not helpful when I had PND) but I just can't do it any more.  And that's when he retorted "You better hope I don't die, then" before going back into the living room.

I was fuming!  What a fucking thing to say!  As if I'm there going, "You know what? I want my husband, the love of my life, and the father of my kids to die.  It's just a shame that I need him to get shouted at on my behalf because I can't cope with it myself, otherwise, bye-bye." FFS. 

I have actually calmed down quite a lot from last night, but really!?!

What's going on with the world today?

Really.

I watch TV or read the news and am often left aghast.  Whilst I don't think POTUS Trump should be martyred, he does need to be removed from office. Asap.  He is an idiot.  I cannot believe most of the drivel that comes out of his mouth, and my expectations are pretty low, based on my experience of UK politics.  The latest pile of shite about the CNN reporter attacking the intern, when it's as clear as fuck that, if anything, she attacked him (though to be generous, she was under scrutiny from her boss [Trump] so was a bit overzealous attempting to retrieve the mike).  I don't know if there's any truth to the rumour that the video has been edited so that a different version (which makes it look like the reported did lay hands on the woman) is being shown in the US, but every day what would once have been called conspiracies is approaching real life.

In the UK we have the Brexit nonsense, with PM Theresa May continuing to flog the dead horse, that none of us public want.  Even most of those who thought they did want it, have since come to their senses.  Whilst I find it incredulous that people did believe the Brexit Bus that £350M was going to the NHS, I have friends who voted leave for that exact reason who now wish they didn't.  The funding of the Leave campaign is being investigated for criminality, and a load of politicians are resigning or being asked to resign based on their stance that Brexit should not go ahead, without at least another referendum now we know the full facts.  Of course, the plan for hard/soft Brexit still hasn't been finalised, so even though we know many of the promises were untruths, there still is nothing concrete on the Pro-Brexit side.

Iceland, the supermarket, have had their Christmas Advert banned from UK TV because it is "too political".  The advert in question is a cartoon of a girl whose bedroom gets vandalised by an orangutan because the orangutan's home was first vandalised by humans for palm oil.  Admittedly the cartoon was made by Greenpeace originally, but there's nothing political about the advert itself.  It simply states facts.  Or maybe I've just missed the memo that truth isn't allowed in adverts anymore.  Probably some harebrained scheme to prevent Fake News, by ensuring that all adverts are fake or so wishy-washy/soppy, and anything with any facts in them gets automatically banned, in case the general public gets confused between an advert and something real.  Now I think about it, that's probably why so many beauty products have all that "science" in the adverts - to remind people that it's not real and just and advert.  I just did a quick google, in an attempt to find an example of cosmetic pseudoscience, and found this article from 2005 which coherently explains what I was thinking.

Even on a local level, the world has gone mad.  My doctor's surgery, and 4 others in town, have been taken over by "the hub".  So, rather than phoning the surgery on the morning when you need a GP appointment, your call goes through to a central hub - a call-centre that handles calls for all the GP surgeries.  They have implemented this without the public's knowledge, have implemented it badly, and because they've signed the contract are unable to go back to the previous system.  What's so bad about having a central hub? you may ask. Surely it'll save money overall if everything is streamlined? That is the theory.  The practice, however, are extremely long waits for being on hold, or waiting on a call-back (an hour seems about average).  More often than not, there are no GP appointments left for that day, and because you still cannot book in advance, you are told to phone back again the following morning to repeat the cycle.  And if you are lucky enough to get an appointment, it may not be at your local surgery, but the other side of town.  I'm lucky, in that I don't have chronic medical conditions that require repeated appointments, I don't work during the day and I have a car, but most people are not in that position. 
To get a nurse's appointment, you need to phone the same number.  Nurse's appointments are able to be booked in advance, but they are still mostly fully booked.  To get an asthma review for myself and the two girls, we have to wait 4 weeks and go to a different surgery to usual.  Locally, we're campaigning for things to improve, but the company running the show, IMH Group, has mucked up services in other towns, so personally I don't hold out too much hope.