Musings on Race and Privilege

I spent this morning talking to my 12yo daughter about the goings-on in the world.  It started about Coronavirus and the impact that is having on our lives, and evolved, as conversations do, to talking about the various protests around the world.

I have not watched the video of George Floyd's last moments.  The photos and articles written about it are horrific enough.  I know that I am in a privileged position that I am not confronted with racism nor police brutality on a daily basis.  I know that I am in a privileged position that the closest I get to racism is second-hand: it happens to friends and family, or their friends and their family.  It doesn't happen to me.  I can't understand what it feels to be the subject of overt and indirect racism.  When I hear people speak, an anecdote, short story, quick meme, I get the briefest of insight into a fraction of their lives.  As try as I might, though I may understand that moment, I cannot fully understand the impact it has on their lives.

My husband likes running.  He runs for fitness.  He runs for his mental health.  He runs to cope with Lockdown.  And I swear sometimes he runs just to get away from the kids! lol.  At the moment, it is very hot during the day, so he is running at night when it is cooler.

I don't like running.  Honestly, it's not for me. Five years ago a friend challenged me to "run the rainbow" with her for charity.  I used the Couch to 5K app and I did get up to running the 5K, and I did run the race and have various colour powder paints thrown at me.  It was fun.  I got my medal.  And that was that.  No more running for me, thanks!  However, sometimes I do feel slightly jealous that my husband runs in the evening.  I have never felt like I could do that.  As a woman, we have been taught since we were little not to go out at night.  That we could be attacked.  That it would be our fault for being out late.  For not wearing the right things.  For being alone.  And though I have been through the indestructible phase (late teens-mid 20s) where nobody and nothing can hurt you, after having children it is easy to become aware of all possible dangers, no matter how remote they may seem.  As such, a fat middle-aged woman, huffing and puffing just to traverse 5K alone at night, in my mind is a prime victim for being attacked as I wouldn't be able to run away.  So whether that fear is reasonable or unreasonable, I never ran at night.

I have a friend who recently shared a story on Facebook (though I had heard it before).  She is a white woman, and before she had kids lived in London with her partner, who bought her a dog.  One day, this dog tried to bite her, so she put in in a safe place, and called her partner asking for his help as he was on his way home from work.  When he got off the train, he ran home and she kept watching for him.  In her words:

But it appeared, I wasn’t the only one keeping my eye on him.

A police van happened to drive past this black man running. Put their lights on, put their sirens on and four of them jumped out to stop him.

He’d always asked me to stay out of things if police stopped him. It was something he was accustom to and he never wanted me to get involved.

...

I watched them put him in handcuffs and pat him down to search him whilst he stood there helpless. I remember the look on his face as he glimpsed me up at the window. The look of “look at this shit I have to deal with”.

They didn’t find anything.

But this wasn’t good enough for them.

They took him into the van.

At this point I was petrified! I ignored his request to stay away and I went outside to speak to the officers.

I asked one of them why they’d put him in the van and he told me they need to search him. I challenged him because I’d just watched them search him! 🤬

He told me they needed to do a strip search because apparently in the Croydon borough there was an order in place that meant they could stop and search anyone they wanted to.

Can you imagine how he was feeling at this point? 5 minutes ago, he’d got off the train from a long day at work, and was rushing home to help me deal with our naughty dog and the next minute he’s being stripped searched in the back of a police van.

As I was talking to the officer, continuing to question what this “order” really meant, I’ll never forget what he said to me, whilst dodging all of my questions... “How do you know a prick like this anyway?” 

I can barely imagine what it must have been like for my friend, to see the way the police were treating the man you love simply because they were black.   I cannot imagine what it must be like for her black partner who is so used to receiving this kind of treatment, that they warn their white girlfriend ahead of time not to get involved if they see it happening.  I cannot imagine living in such a way that I wouldn't be allowed to run, if I had desire or need to.  I cannot imagine feeling like I can't walk around my own neighbourhood alone during the day.  I cannot imagine a boy of 10yo having already learned that he has to put his hands up in a neighbour's yard, when collecting a ball he accidentally kicked there.  I cannot imagine being a young boy, dressed as a superhero, held on my dad's shoulders, and have police point their guns at us.

This is not ok.  This needs to change.  And not just these overtly racist occurrences, but also the slight, discreet, indirect and subversive racism that makes up modern day society.

It is easy for me living in my town in the south of the UK to think this only happens in America, or it only happens in London, but systematic racism is prevalent in our society and it is not right.

I'm not going to patronise you by saying what you should or shouldn't be doing.  I'm only a white woman living a fairly comfortable life, commenting on what is happening to others, who hasn't got a fucking clue how to change society as a whole.  But I will tell you what I am doing.  I am going to educate myself and my children about direct and indirect racism.  I plan to read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People about Race and How to Argue with a Racist, amongst others.  I am going to use my voice and call out racism when I see it, and be gracious when people call me out on the systemic racism that I'm part of but barely aware of.  This article from 2016 says White Silence is Not an Option, yet not much has changed in the past four years.

I'm going to end by linking this BBC Article about why US protests are resonating in the UK and this 20min video about Trevor Noah's thoughts - well worth taking 20min out of your day to listen to it. (Trevor Noah was literally Born a Crime in South Africa because he is mixed race.  I reviewed his book last year.)

Here is a good list of books to educate your children and yourself.

The Collective Virtual Choir

This past month or so, I have been singing as part of The Collective.  The Collective is a Virtual Choir that describes itself as "An A Cappella Virtual Choir made up of singers from around the world. First started in 2020 during the Covid 19 Pandemic."
I saw an advert on Facebook that a friend shared, and it looked like fun.  It's a group of singers from all around the world, who are singing together, but separately, to make some music.

They did a project back in April ("back" - as if April was so long ago, lol) that I wasn't a part of, but gives you an idea of the type of thing we are working towards (as I'm not giving too many details until it is finished): White Cliffs of Dover by The Collective.

I had not realised that I missed singing, and it certainly does help with my mental health.  So, I have been learning a new song, learning new techniques and even learning how to self evaluate my own recordings by listening back to myself - something very scary when you've been told most your life that you can't/shouldn't sing.  I love singing, but this has stayed with me, so even though I do sing, I'm not convinced I'm any good at it.  During this experience, I have been brave and sung solo in front of strangers live, I have sent a recording of my voice part in for feedback, and this morning I have sent in my final recording to be included as part of The Collective.

The feedback I got almost made me cry - in a good way, I'm just not a cry-y person.

I'm not joking when I said that I have often been told I shouldn't sing.  When I was a child, I felt I didn't have support from family; I can remember friends laughing at me because I had perfected the art of miming to songs, and even though I did enjoy singing (even as a child) I can remember one friend telling me my voice was perfect for a choir but not for solos.  It took a lot of courage for me to join my Adult Musical Theatre group, though I haven't yet built up the courage to sing more than a few words by myself, I am hoping this experience with The Collective helps me to become more confident.  Even when practising this song, my kids say I'm embarrassing and my husband says I'm too loud because he is in meetings... 

This first song is nearly finished, and the next song is due to start next month.  I encourage everybody who enjoys singing to sing, whether it be at home, in a choir, or in a virtual group like this one. 
Sing and let your voice be heard!

Learn Free Home Education Conference 2020

Over the weekend of the 15th May, the Learn Free Annual Home Education Conference went virtual due to the Coronavirus.  Normally held in Coventry, this was the first year that I was able to attend.  The ticket was only £12 and for that you get access to all the talks and discussion. And, as this year was virtual, all the content is still available for the next 6 months, so if it sounds interesting, you can still buy access!

Using the Whova app (that I hadn't even heard of before, let alone use) it is really easy to navigate the conference and see and speak to everyone you wanted to.  The program was full with many speakers, including Dr Peter Grey the writer of Free to Learn, covering topics such as General Interest, SEND, Legal/Political Factors, Charlotte Mason, Secondary Education, Christian Education, Unschooling, Early Years, Numeracy & Literacy, Classical Approach, as well as some Just For Fun.

For the price, I thought the conference was amazing.  I had thought about going in previous years, but with the girls dancing (there is usually a dance festival May half term, so can't miss dance lessons on the weekends leading up to it) there has not been the opportunity, so being virtual has been good for me.  It also gave me a chance to catch up with old friends, some of whom I hadn't spoken to for years.  If there is an online version next year, I will definitely go again.

Weekly Update Y2w19

Let's start by getting the elephant* out of the way - can you tell I had my birthday last week?

*as in "the elephant in the room", not as in me!

Despite that, I'm still pleased.  I hit a new lowest weight during the week, and after 2 days of increases, my weight is starting to decrease again, so I'm counting this as a win!  

I am trying to make a lifestyle change, rather than simply omitting lots of foods for the weight to go back on afterwards.  So, yes, it was my birthday and I had cake.  Actually, I had two cakes - one from a friend and one from my husband, both ordered from Mcctaffs!  I wasn't expecting either, so it was a lovely surprise. 

We have demolished the sweetie cake (which may or may not have something to do with the weight gain...), whereas for the chocolate one, I regained my senses and we portioned it up and froze the individual portions (well over 30 left over, and we ate plenty!).  That way, when we want cake, we can simply defrost the amount we are going to eat, rather than  eating it because it is there.

I was also given a box of chocolates, and am only allowing myself one per day - at the end of the day.  Sometimes I can do this easily, tbf, usually I can do this easily.  It's only when I'm stressed or depressed I can't (assuming it's decent chocolate - if it's cheap or milk chocolate, then I don't get my 'hit' and I end up scoffing the lot, which I hate myself for afterwards as I don't even enjoy it).  This is going well so far, even though I did have a wobble and felt myself being called by the chocolate, but I got through it with God's help.  Yes, I am praying every time I get a craving, because I know that I don't have enough will power to lose weight - if I did, I wouldn't be on the 19th week of Year 2 of actively tracking my weightloss.  I would have decided I would lose weight back in Sept 2018, and poof, the weight would have melted away because I would immediately have eaten healthily, with good portion sizes, and done plenty of exercise - but we all know that didn't happen!

This week, my aim is to exercise 3 times (I have already done once - yey!).  I have been going through Body Groove's Pilates.  Each video is around 12minutes long.  I started doing one video at a time, and the last cycle I was doing 2 videos together.  Depending on how achy it feels when I am doing it, I am going to try putting 3 videos together this week, so I can finally say that I am exercising for 30min, 3 times a week. According to the NHS I should be trying for 150min a week, but I'm moving in the right direction.

Mental Health due to Coronavirus

So far, I have been fine.  Honestly.  I'm quite happy sat at home pottering about.  I do miss seeing people face to face, and giving friends a hug when it's needed, but we do our best using Zoom, Houseparty, Facebook, Skype, Messenger etc.

My family, otoh, suffer more with anxiety so I have been busy supporting them where I can. Everyone is more stressed, and my daughter who is excelling at school, is finding it difficult to learn online. I tell her to take breaks, but she is worried about getting in trouble (thankfully her teachers seem understanding).  DD1 wrote this poem instead of doing her school work the other day, and it has a depth of feeling that amazed me.  DD2 is worried about my husband and me dying.  And my husband is stressing about work and the fact we're trapped in the house.  Yes he can go shopping (he won't go out more than once a week), and yes he goes for a long run daily, but when he's stressed he likes to leave the house and go to the beach or visit someone or go to the cinema or any of the other stuff that we can't do right now.

I've been calm, making the most of the slowing down of daily life and the sunshine in the garden.  I've been reading more than usual, doing a new MosaiCraft, and I have even started doing Pilates on BodyGroove.  Life has been good to me - until this morning.

Due to having the BRCA1+ genetic mutation, I have an annual mammogram and MRI to check I don't have cancer.  This is usually in February, and when I didn't hear anything, I assumed it was because it had been deprioritised due to coronavirus.  Last week I had a call inviting me to screening today, and that I'd get a letter through the post.  Despite having received a letter from the NHS/Council saying that I need to shield myself for 12 weeks, this is important so I accepted the appointment.  My husband wasn't happy, but with everything I have read and seen about coronavirus, I would make sure I took adequate precautions and everything would be ok.  I bought some disposable gloves, have wetwipes to wipe down surfaces in the car, made a face-mask from a bandana and hairbands and have antibac gel.

Then this morning it hits me - I am going to the place they take everybody with coronavirus.  Doctors and nurses who have PPE have died at this hospital after contracting it, and I am willingly walking into this environment.  My rational brain knows that they wouldn't have called me to the appointment if it were dangerous, but that part of my brain went into hiding.  I was worried.  Thankfully a friend talked with me and helped put things into perspective and making me laugh (I don't know if you can see the skulls on the bandana, but it was suggested I carry a scythe too.  I don't have a scythe, but do have a garden hoe, and my husband's scholar's gown from Oxford that would complete the look!). Haha.

In the end, I went to the hospital.  I couldn't wear the mask, as though it didn't when I tried it at home, it kept steaming my glasses up.  I wore gloves going to the appointment (not during the MRI) and antibac-ed my hands every time I went through a door.  And when I returned to the car, I wiped my handbag down, and also the car steering wheel/radio/seatbelt/indicators/doorhandle etc when I returned home again.  Now I'm back home, I'm calm again.  I immediately changed my clothes and put them in the wash, washed my hands and face again.  It may be overkill, but I don't want to be responsible for bringing the virus to my family.

This has made me realise how brave loads of our workers are in this country.  I only had to go to hospital for an appointment that took less than 90min.  There are men and women who daily have to go to hospital to care for others, to treat others, to clean the wards where people have died or are dying, maintenance people who ensure all the equipment is running smoothly, people in the kitchens making sure staff and patients are fed, receptionists who are the first faces you see when you go to the hospital or to the department, and then the morticians who are encountering large numbers of people who are dying from the virus.  God bless you all.

I'm back home and am going to stay safe and stay here until the coronavirus has past.  I know at some point I will encounter the virus (it is inevitable) and I hope initially that I don't suffer badly, but also that it will be after the peak of this pandemic has passed.

Easter thoughts

Today is Easter Day, and is a celebration of God's love for us, where He defeated sin and death, and enabled us to approach Him without fear and condemnation.  Jesus is alive!  We can now have confidence, through faith, in the hope of being with God in Heaven. 

Whether you agree with my proclamation of faith above, or not, Easter for most of us is a time of celebrating with our family.  We get to enjoy a long weekend in the UK with Bank Holidays on both Good Friday and Easter Monday - admittedly they'd be more noticeable were we not locked down at the moment.  The kids do an Easter egg hunt, chocolate for breakfast, lots of people have lamb for lunch, and scoff the rest of the chocolate for afters.  The day is spent with family, sometimes a walk in a park, and it is restful whatever beliefs you may have.

This year is different.  We are locked down.  The kids don't have as many eggs as usual - whether that be because people are only going to shops for essentials, or relatives are unable to give eggs for Easter.  Church services are online, so no sociable Easter services that many look forward to.  Easter egg hunts that are open to the public are cancelled, and people are confined to their own homes; a walk in the park may be permissible as long as everyone stays distanced from each other.

We're lucky in that we normally do an Easter egg hunt for the girls around our home and garden anyway.  This year, whilst I've been watching a church service online, my husband did the Easter Egg hunt, writing clues in rhyme about being in lockdown, and where to find the next clue.  He also bought me an Easter egg, and I hadn't got him anything as I haven't been to the shops in weeks.

Unfortunately, I have friends who are not so lucky.  On what should be a day of celebration, I have friends who are going through trials and tribulations in their own homes with their partners.  I am not going to go into their difficulties, it just highlighted to me how lucky I am to have my husband.  We may not agree on everything, but I am thankful to God for him.

On the first Easter day, God freed us from the bondage of sin. God gave us love, and wants us to experience it in all its fullness. We should not be trapped in our homes if we are in danger.  In case this information is useful to you: Safety Advice for Survivors

Bless you and I hope you have a Happy Easter however you celebrate it xx

From Social Distancing to Self Isolation

I know DD2 is not a toddler anymore,
but this still applies!

Yesterday morning, I awoke in bed after a really good night's sleep.  I had read in bed for a little while, stopped when I felt my eyes drooping, and slept all night.  I woke up feeling refreshed, to discover an extra person in bed with me.  Not just my husband (I had gone to sleep before he came to bed), but an extra person altogether.  At some point during the night, DD2 had decided she didn't want to be alone, and decided to climb in between us.

"Good thing nobody has any Coronavirus symptoms!" I thought.

Fast forward 18hours, and I'm still in DD2's bedroom trying to get her to sleep, but she can't stop coughing.  I eventually get her her inhaler and some cough mixture to soothe her throat, but she is still coughing.

During the day, DD1 and DD2 were playing beautifully together.  They were in the garden, doing Acro together, making obstacle courses for each other, and playing other games.  As DD2 has asthma and it is the start of pollen season atm, I am hoping that it is just asthma related.  But at the same time, I don't want to be responsible for infecting anyone else; especially if that person is only a carrier and they then pass it one to someone vulnerable.

So, from today, we are not in the house for the next 14 days.  This actually doesn't bother me that much.  My house is my sanctuary, and when it is tidy (we totally blitzed the living room yesterday, ready for the girls' online dance lessons) I love it.  My husband is less happy, as he runs 10Ks a few times a week, both for physical and mental health.  DD1 is another who loves going out and about, so she's disappointed that she has to stay within the confines of the house and garden.  I actually don't know what DD2 thinks about it.  Today is Mother's Day in the UK, and I was ordered to go downstairs so DD2 could do a "secret".  That was over a couple of hours ago, and whatever it is, she still hasn't finished it, lol.

Feeling sad tonight

Seeing all the posts on Facebook about friends' children who cannot sit exams this year.

DD1 coming home from school today, really emotional.  She's only been in school for two terms, and is sad to be leaving her friends for the next 3 months or so.

Dancing has ended tonight, and though they will be offering online lessons it won't be the same.  The girls will miss their friends, and DD2 has already asked if she can skype some of her dance friends.  DD1 has asked if she can get WhatsApp on her phone, even though she's not 16 yet.  I'm also going to miss the other dance mums. 

Similarly, we've received an email to say gymnastics is stopped for the foreseeable.

All home ed clubs and meets have stopped.  I'm good friends with the home ed mums too, so will miss them lots.

My singing class has stopped. 

Everything has stopped.

Hopefully it's just tonight, and tomorrow I'll be back to thinking it's a big adventure.

I am looking forward to spending time with my family.
And social media can help keep in contact with friends and family who live further afield.
We're blessed to live in a time when we have such technology and information available to us.

Having an Adventure

That's how I feel at the moment.  Like a kind of excitement that I don't know what's going to happen, but everyone is in it together.

I see many people anxious about the coronavirus: randoms, friends and my own family.  Whereas, I'm not worried.  Genuinely.  I'm not saying there's nothing to worry about or that it's not that bad, I'm just saying I'm not worried.

I think this is how my mind works - when I'm not in control of something, my mind kinda goes "oh well, no point worrying then".  (If it's something I could or should have control over, and I don't, that's when my mind goes into panic mode.)

I have not liked this limbo that we have been living in recently.  I would have preferred it if things had gone into lock-down sooner, so at least everyone knows where they stand.  Supermarkets should have put rationing in place earlier, schools should have closed, and everything should have come down from the government so people can claim on their insurance etc.

But I have been looking forward to a slower pace of life.  Having DD1 home from school and DH home from work.  Not going out.  Having time at home to cook proper food.  Maybe get on with the jobs around the house that we're always too busy to do.

Now schools have finally announced they'll be closing on Friday, I do feel like I can start to get organised.  I'm not tutoring out of the house any more, offering online tuition instead.  The singing school and dance schools we go to will be offering online videos for classes.  DD1's school have already given a list of websites and other resources to use. What will be strange for us, is that the school have recommended she keep to her usual timetable - we don't do timetables in this house! lol

But, overall, it will be an adventure, for everyone.

I pray that the panic buying finally stops, so those who need supplies can get them.  The elderly, disabled, the vulnerable, single parents, people with illnesses etc.  Not everyone can buy in bulk.  Not everyone can order online.
I also pray for everyone suffering with anxiety.  There is so much sensationalism in the media. There are too many conspiracy theories going around.  There's too much false information about.

We can get through this.  We just need to be kind and considerate and look after those around us.

Coronavirus

Everyone seems to be having their say, so now it's my turn.

Firstly, please stop panic buying.  Really.  You don't need that much loo roll, and you're being a selfish twat* because other people can't afford (whether time, money or physical energy) to bulk buy so are being left with nowt.

Same goes for paracetamol.  There are people who have various conditions that are manageable with pain relief, yet they are reduced to being in agony, not being able to maintain their living standards because shelves are stripped bare of basic paracetamol; not to mention the fact that there may be other circumstances why these people cannot 'simply' take other pain relief (pregnancy, asthma or other conditions).  Fever is a natural response to infection, so unless it is a very high temperature or accompanied by aches and pains, it is often best to allow the fever to run its course.

And the same goes for sanitizer and hand soap.  Everyone should wash their hands anyway, after going to the loo, before cooking and eating, after playing with pets or in the garden.  Yes, it is recommended that people wash their hands even more often, so the sales of hand-wash might be in slightly higher demand that usual, but currently it is ridiculous.

And the same goes (unsurprisingly) for dried and tinned foods.  Yes, some people are having to self isolate, but as it currently stands, the government has not required this on a large scale (see my thoughts on that below). As such there is currently no need to start stocking up, because all you are doing is impacting other people.  As I said before, there are people who cannot bulk buy.  Whether they go shopping once a week, or only buy a basket-full more often, if there is nothing on the shelves, these people are not going to eat.  And by 'these people' I am thinking primarily of the elderly or people on benefits who may have no alternative but to shop in this manner.  For most of us, and I assume everyone reading this blog, we do have alternative options.  We can buy online and get food delivered to our door.  Other people may not be comfortable with this technology, may not afford to have internet in their home or on their phone, or may not even have a card to enable them do online transactions.

A knock-on effect of this, is that food banks are running out of food and various supplies.  They are not on the shelves of the shops, so when these items are available, people are keeping them all for themselves, or not buying surplus (in the hope of reducing the affect of the panic buying and leaving enough for the next person).  I know I'm guilty of not donating to food banks recently, and I suspect I'm not the only one.

*Apologies to female genitalia - genitalia = good, selfish idiots = bad.

Secondly, it's not just the flu.
It is true that for most people, it will be an annoying infection from which you'll recover and life will go on.  However, for many people with underlying conditions it can be a lot worse.  I'm not going to expand and make you think I'm a medical expect - it's just common sense that people who have lowered immune systems or already have respiratory conditions will be affected by such a virus more.

For anyone interested in learning more about Covid19, FutureLearn are offering this free online course: Click Here

Then there's the impact it will have on all hospitals and other medical environments.  Not only is there the obvious effects (the more people who get the coronavirus, the small percentage of people who need to be hospitalised will increase, so can overwhelm ICUs), but there will be other people, who don't have the virus, who will need to be admitted to ICU, so there won't be enough beds.

There are people with various conditions who need to use hospitals, even if they don't need to be admitted, so lots of 'routine' appointments, testing, monitoring, and surgeries will need to be cancelled. I, for one, have not been called for my annual mammogram and MRI scan that I have to check for breast cancer at this time each year. Then there's the staff themselves, who not only put themselves at risk by being in an environment where there may be multiple people with symptoms, but if they too are self isolating, there will be less staff in our hospitals, so is a vicious cycle.

Once hospitals are overwhelmed, who will be considered eligible for treatment?  What if you're over a certain age? What if you are disabled or have other conditions? What if you don't have children? What if you're an alcoholic or drug addict? What if you smoke? What if you're overweight? What if you can't afford to pay privately?  Who gets to make these decisions?

So should we all be panicking?

No, but it is likely to have a big impact an some people, and because we should be caring for other people in our society, we should be thinking about the impact our actions will have on others.

The government recently updated their guidance here. I've heard a mixed response to this; some people suggesting it doesn't go far enough, whilst others thinking it's totally fine.  (I haven't heard anyone suggesting that it goes too far.)  My gut-feel is that it probably doesn't go far enough.

I know some people will be put out if things were shut down, not least self-employed people like myself who won't qualify for any benefits or SSP, but we need to learn from other countries.  It's very easy to think "oh, it's the other side of the world" "it's a different culture" etc, then it came to Italy, but "they didn't know what they were doing" and "we're learning from their mistakes".  The main thing that has come from the government, to me, is a sense that they don't want to do anything out of fear for their reputation, rather than erring on the side of caution/protecting people's lives, even if it proves to be too cautious.

This article has a sensationalist title, but does seem to be well researched and makes sense to my "Joe Public" understanding of events.

I know in my town in the UK, that we have currently 2 confirmed cases.  Allegedly, there are actually around 50 cases currently in our hospital, but that the hospital has been told from above that they are not allowed to test anyone unless they have travelled to certain locations.  Now the government have said that if you think you have symptoms you should self isolate and only call NHS111 if you are particularly worried or your symptoms are severe; as such the real number of people who have the virus will be much larger than current numbers (and therefore predictions based on these numbers) will suggest.

Another concern I have (because like must the population, I'm more selfishly concerned about how my future plans will be impacted because of shut-downs etc, rather than concern about contracting the virus itself) is surrounding insurance.  I don't fully understand it (partly because I haven't actually looked into it) but I've heard on the grape-vine, that if people choose to not attend events, then they cannot be reimbursed (which I do understand), if the events/venues get cancelled then people will be reimbursed (fair enough), but if the government implements a national shut-down, and events get cancelled because of that, then insurance is no longer valid so people will not be reimbursed.  As I said, I may have got that wrong, or not understood it, but that position seems inherently unfair.

And what about all bills that need to be paid during the shut-down period?  Generally I'm someone who if something happens that I have no control over, I will take it as it comes and treat the situation as an adventure, so the idea of being shut at home, doesn't actually bother me that much, assuming I can still get food delivered to me (because I am privileged in that way).  If we had to live on SSP for the duration of the shut down, if other bills were put on hold (and preferably without interest accumulating), we'd be ok.  If bills were not put on hold, things would be very tight for us.  We're lucky, we have a good credit rating and could potentially organise a mortgage-holiday.  Other people, however, may be renting, so do not have that option.  Or if it's a private landlord, they may be relying on that income in order to pay their own bills.  Unfortunately, I do not have confidence in our government (well, the prime minister at least) to have though of all these nuances, implications, and more that hasn't brushed past my mind.

Personally, my girls have dance exams in the next couple of weeks, and I wouldn't want them postponed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.  I do feel for students who are doing GCSEs, A-Levels, and University Finals this summer.  It's a stressful enough time anyway, without worrying about what-ifs and maybes. We haven't booked a holiday this year yet, so have no concerns about that being cancelled, but we have booked various day trips and overnight stays for various reasons that can all be impacted.

I've run out of steam for this topic right now, and I haven't even had a rant about overt and more subtle racism due to the virus.  Last night a friend and I had a delicious meal at a Thai restaurant, and we were the only 2 people there. All night.  I asked the lady working there if it was always this quiet on a Thursday evening, wondering if it was just because it's a weekday, but no.  They are quieter on a weeknight, but they have been near-dead all week.  It's crazy. Anyway, I will stop now (and probably remember the rest of what I wanted to write later when I'm away from my laptop).

Just remember to not panic, be hygienic, and think of others.

From BBC Health

Weekly Update Y2w10

Yeah, let's not talk about this week...

I am eating much more fruit and vegetables than normal, but I feel like I'm not losing weight anymore. I have had 2 nights where I haven't listened to the hypnotherapy app.  I find when I listen to it, I wake up when it goes off, yet when I have it on continuous loop, I don't feel refreshed in the morning.  Last night I didn't have it on at all, and I had a crazy nightmare*.  At least if I listen to it, it keeps the nightmares at bay.

I had a look at a longer term average (2 weeks) and that clearly shows that I'm not losing weight at all.  I go up and down a lot, but overall, I'm the same weight I always am.

We have finally finished painting the kitchen, so hopefully we can put the shelves on the wall, and I can keep on top of cleaning and start cooking again, so can take back control of my weight.

*Last night's dream was weird.  My dreams often are, and though I don't usually consider weird dreams as nightmares, this one was a bit more gruesome than normal.
It started fairly normally.  I was waiting for my friend Sarah to come visit.  She was coming to me, by train, then we were going to catch a train somewhere together.  She was due to arrive in 15min, but I was still in bed.  Then she wanted me to pick her up at the station.  We were on the train together, then we ended up in an Indiana Jones-esque land.  There were loads of women all dressed in white togas tied to the side of a cliff.  Then, when the king or his kids got bored, they would catapult one woman to the top of the cliff/aiming at the other women.  Whoever she hit, would explode and there would be random limbs thrown all over the place.  The dream went on, but it was very vivid, so I still feel tired now

First Lego League Junior - BoomTown Challenge

A group of HErs, including DD2, set up a Lego robotics team, in order to enter the First Lego League Junior.  In my area, there has been success with HErs entering FLL in previous years, sometimes not only winning regional heats, but national and internationally too!  This was the first time (that I know of) that a local HE group entered the Junior league.

The group was made up of six children between 6-9years old, and we met fortnightly for 2 hours from September/October to February.  For their age group, they were taking part in the Boomtown Build Challenge - designing and building a building from lego, incorporating a part that uses robotics and is programmable.  Most weeks, they were guided by a workbook which took the children through exercises looking at different parts of designing a building:

• What will the building be used for? 
• Who will be using it? Is it accessible?
• Is it strong? Is it stable?
• Is it environmentally friendly? etc

And there were small programmable mechanical/robotic structures to build such as a crane, an elevator, an automatic door, a fan etc.  Near the end of the weeks, the children had to decide upon a final building with which to enter the competition, build it, do posters to display and write a presentation for the judges.  They had lots of ideas, but rather than the oldest/bossiest/loudest child taking charge and demanding it all be done their way, they decided amongst themselves to use as many ideas as possible, and soon The Boom Eiffel was born!

One of the children particularly likes the Eiffel Tower, and as other children (incl DD2) have been there too, it was decided as a group that the design of our building would be based on the shape of the Eiffel Tower.

The base was made up of four separate rooms: pet shop, aquarium, cafe and souvenir shop.  In the build of the building was the elevator, to carry people up to the next floor.  The next floor consisted of a learning centre, where people of all ages can learn together, and a gym.  The next floor up was open to the air as it was a rooftop garden, and finally the very top floor was a cafe, serving produce from the garden, with a balcony so people could look out over Boomtown.  On the roof of the cafe was a wind turbine, some solar panels and a lightning rod.

Each child then created a poster to be displayed, and had to write their own presentation.  As DD2 built the garden and is concerned about the environment, she focussed on that side of things, whilst others talked about how the building was accessible and who would be using it.  Unfortunately, as DD2 was busy competing in a dance festival on the day of the Expo, we recorded her presentation in advance, so it could be shown with the rest of the team.

On the day of the Expo, the children were nervous but had a great time.  They spoke with the judges and other competitors, and all the children were given matching Tshirts so they could feel like a team.  And we are very proud to say that they won the prize for Complexity and Design!

The kids are doing their presentation again next week, at a local science fair during British Science Week, but they met up earlier this week to congratulate each other and to give DD2 her medal.

I was proud of myself for making a lego cake to share, lol. 

Kitchen Refit

As I've mentioned, we've recently had our kitchen refitted.  We have been without a kitchen for the past week and a half, but it has definitely been worth it!

Our old kitchen was the original one that came with the house (early 2000s), and though it didn't look too bad - despite the colour which I wasn't fond of - it really was badly planned.

Our old kitchen

Firstly, there was hardly any storage.  the largest cupboard in the top corner near the sink houses the boiler.  All the corner cupboards were split in two, and the largest space has the smallest doors; either you couldn't fit the item in the cupboard itself, or it would fit, but you can't get it through the door.  We added some shelves at the end, which we put on many jars and things, but really we wanted some fitted cupboards under the staircase there, that would hide away the mess whilst maximising space.

Secondly, the double oven (which needed the seals and the heating elements replaced anyway), had two ovens the exact same size.  What's the point in that? I'd much rather have a small oven for day-to-day use, and a larger oven when needed for Christmas, or dinner parties or whatever.  Not that I host dinner parties, but maybe with a decent kitchen I will?

Thirdly, there wasn't a lot of worktop space.  I know it looks like there is, because the kitchen is empty in that picture.  Usually, however, the end with the washing machine is full, holding the microwave, steamer, food-processor, [non George] grill, toaster etc etc etc.  The area to the left of the sink held my rubber tree, and general crap (bin bags, pens, hair bands, miscellaneous rubbish), the right of the sink held washing-up materials, flasks and the fruit bowl, and the side to the right of the oven held both my large slow cooker and my triple slow cooker.  If we wanted to bake, or do anything that required worktop space, we needed to use the dining table in the living room.

Initially we were looking to replace the doors on the existing cupboards, and get more cupboards at the washing machine end of the kitchen.  After getting quotes from various kitchen companies, we decided in the end to go with The Hedgehog Kitchen Company, a family run business consisting of a father and daughter team.  We discussed with them both what we were thinking and what we ideally would like from our kitchen, when we were able to have them in to do the work, and what our budget is. After taking measurements and making quick sketches, they quoted us for our ideal kitchen!  We would need to source a new oven and hob ourselves, and they would even fill in the hole in our ceiling where our immersion heater leaked last year!

Work in Progress

The work finally started last week.  The hardest thing was emptying the kitchen - who knew we had so much stuff?!  At least it gives us a chance to de-clutter and see what we really need. At the end of each day I took a photo of the work that had been completed, so we could see the progress that was being made.

We kept the same basic layout and the floor tiles, but that was about it.  We went for white cupboards, with sparkly black worktops and matching sparkly white splash-backs.  New double oven, with different sized ovens(!), we changed a gas hob for an induction hob (so now I'm excitedly looking for new pots and pans), and we got a stainless steel chimney to match.  The fridge-freezer was moved to the far end, the fridge from the conservatory moved back into the kitchen and deep cupboards were built around them in the space under the stairs.  The washing machine was moved next to the dishwasher, and the worktop extended.  Finally, new cupboard carcasses (not just doors) were put in around the oven, so that they can open wide to enable large items, like the slow cooker, being able to be put in them.

This is not to say it has all be plain sailing!

Because we were changing to an induction hob, we were advised to get an electrician in to check the power supply as both the hob and oven need to be hardwired in.  We did that and were told that, thankfully, our supply was sufficient, and could run off the existing fuse.  However, when the oven and hob were due to be fitted it was clear that the power supply was not enough, and we'd only be able to use one at a time - not ideal!  We were offered the chance to go back to our electrician to get him to fix it, but we decided it was probably better to use their electrician of choice since he knows more about it.  (An added bonus, this electrician lives near us, so we can use him in future!)

Then the "under counter" oven we chose didn't leave a space for the hob.  Even if we had kept a gas stove, there would not be space for the pipe to supply the gas.  So, the whole oven has had to be lowered to allow the hob to sit on top.  The base of the oven will now be slightly lower than the adjacent cupboards and there's an aluminium strip to fill the gap at the top.  I'm not too fussy, so I'm happy with this compromise. 

Then the oven itself was an arse to fit.  I stayed in the living room, but could definitely hear the trouble that was being had in trying to get it fitted, lol.  There were the wrong wires (that a different fitter may not have noticed, so could have caused a fire), that were also too short to fit easily, and the whole thing was just being difficult.  But it got fixed in the end and looks good.

This is our finished kitchen - at least as far as the refit is concerned.  We are going to repaint the kitchen, add some shelving units to the walls above the radiator and buy some new pots and pans, but we can take our time doing that. When that is finished I will do a quick update, so you all can see it fully decorated, but I am so happy with how it looks right now.

Weekly Update Y2w6

So, I haven't lost weight since I've been home.  Actually, that's a slight lie, as I did initially lose weight, and then have piled it back on again.  I'm no longer below 94kilos.

My excuse defence is that we're getting our kitchen done at the moment, so have been without a hob for a few days, and are still without an oven, so we've had to eat a lot of pre-made meals and takeaways.  Added to that, it probably didn't help that I ate a whole packet of biscuits by myself on Friday morning, before going out with a meal with my husband that night (the rare Friday nights we have free are date night, as both girls are dancing until 9pm!), meeting up with friends from uni for a meal on the Saturday, and we had a family day on Sunday which involved a meal out, after which I went to Afternoon Tea with ladies from church, and had more than one slice of cake...  But it's probably the fault of not having a fully working kitchen, lol.

On the positive side, and yes I can still see a positive side, my kitchen is looking good so far, and I'm looking forward to cooking in there again.  And my weight does bump up and down fairly frequently, so I'm not giving up, but taking it on the chin and I know my weight will come down again soon.

Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Weekly Update Y2w1

So, my weight is still increasing after the Christmas period, and I don't know whether to start a new graph for the new year (in the hope that it decreases nicely and looks pretty), or to own the fact that I haven't lost weight, and am back to where I was a month or so ago? What do you think? Should I start again (again)?

What I am starting again, though, is tracking.  Once again, I'm using My Fitness Pal to track what I'm eating, as there does seem to be a correlation between me tracking and at least maintaining my weight, if not losing it.  I am also reconnecting with the 2B Mindset, specifically the 2 Bunnies - Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale and Track what you eat; and aim to do Body Groove at least once a week, if not twice.  My new day for Body Groove is Tuesday (since I'm home all day Tuesdays) and the Friday mornings that I'm home (roughly fortnightly).

I've also joined a local online fitness/get healthy group, in the hope that it will motivate me and spur me into action.  This is not a new year's resolution - it just happens to be in the new year, because it''s after the Christmas period.  I need to lose weight for my health and for future surgeries.

And because, whilst watching Friends with my girls, DD2 commented last night that I looked like Monica, and should do what she did and simply lose weight.  As much as I should be horrified by that comment, I'm not - I'm more horrified that I look at 'Fat Monica' and notice that she's thinner/looks better than I do.

Happy Christmas and New Year!

I hope you've all had a good Christmas, and will have a fantastic New Year to come!

Image by Markéta Machová from Pixabay 

I know I haven't posted much recently (and aim to post my last weekly update of 2019 tomorrow - if I remember), so hope you've all had a good time.  I had a good Christmas day with my husband and girls, but was ill on Boxing Day, recovered the next day but because I hadn't done much I was literally awake all night.  It did mean I got to finish yet another book (ooh, did I mention, my husband got me a new kindle for Christmas!?), so I'm even further behind writing up my reviews.

I have today joined Goodreads, as I was prompted by my Kindle (I've since learned that Amazon now owns goodreads, so that'll be why), so that'll be yet another outlet for me to bore share my reviews with everyone.  As I had to write 20 reviews in order to get recommendations from goodreads, and I wanted them sooner rather than later, I have slightly skewed my results by adding all the book reviews from here all on to there dated today, but at least in the future the timing should be more realistic.  I can also see that you can set a target of the number of books to read in a year, and I don't know whether to be conservative (20) or challenge myself (50) or choose a more realistic number in the middle.  When I'm in a 'reading mood', I can read a book a day - especially if I'm on holiday.  However, I know that when I read my classic (I aim to read one a year), it often takes me much longer than I would guess, due to the old language or simply because it's more verbose than many contemporary books.

Then, there's new years resolutions to think about.  I've decided I'm not going to make any - not one.
I don't keep them - they just are another stick to beat myself with, so I'm not going to resolve to do anything different.  I want to lose weight, in order to have DIEP, but if it means I have to have implants instead, so be it.  I would like to lose weight, but would rather spend time with my children creatively, than worrying about keeping things tidy so I had space to exercise.  And we've not long gone past the shortest day of the year (in terms of daylight, not hours - that's in Spring) and I still feel good.  I have been talking with my therapist about stopping sessions, and I feel like that won't be detrimental to me.  I haven't yet conquered my emotional eating, but when it happens and I put on weight (you'll see tomorrow, just how much...) I don't berate myself and have huge guilt leading to another binge.  So, that's progress!  I also have bought another version of year-in-a-Bible and am looking forward to that again from the 1st.  I am hoping my younger daughter will permit me to read it to her, because I have decided to try The Message translation (ie one with much more contemporary language).

So that's my round up of the past week or so.  I now need to find out why my Snowball keeps separating? Yuck!  Next time, I'll just drink the Advocaat neat, I think! Cheers xx

Hair Transformation

This year I decided to buy myself a Christmas present.  As I don't go to the hairdresser's often (my usual routine is get it cut to the jaw/shoulder, then let grow for 2-3 years before cutting again.  No point wasting money in between on trims...) I will get my hair done as I have always wanted it.

Well, always is a bit strong because though I have always wanted the colour, how that colour would be applied has changed.  When I was a teen, I wanted jet black hair, but with a purple sheen.  I never died my hair then, because I was a 'good girl'.  It was against the school rules, and wouldn't look good when going to university open days.  When at uni, I wanted to go a more vibrant purple, but again, I didn't because it wouldn't look good when going to job interviews.  In my job, I would have liked to go purple, but again, it would not look very professional.  So I never dyed my hair.

After I quit work (to become a SAHM, and then later when HEing), I thought about it again, and when I turned 30yo I got my friend to dye my hair for me.  As my hair is naturally very dark, it needed bleaching to within an inch of its life.  Unfortunately, I have a lot of red pigment in my hair, so rather than a nice white-blonde, my hair turned decidedly 'lion mane'.  Not to worry, as I was putting purple over the top.  However, it turned out that we hadn't got the hair white enough, so the purple came up very very dark.  More like the black with purple sheen I had wanted in my youth.  Not only that, the colour barely lasted a fortnight before needing to be redone, and redone and redone.  If you haven't gathered by now, I'm not a girly girl.  I'm not high maintenance.  I can't be arsed to spend all that time and money on myself.  So eventually I dyed it brown again.

Fast forward a few years, and I've been wanting to dye my hair again.  I've been getting recommendations from friends (and random people on the street with bright hair!) as to where to go.  I finally decided to travel to Swindon to get it done by Sharon Rewston and I'm not disappointed.  Even though it cost a lot of money (to me, that is, given I don't get my hair trimmed due to the cost!) I am very, very pleased and can say it was well worth it.  And eight hours sat in the chair, with a hair dresser that was happy to let me read, rather than make small talk (thank you!), meant I finished a brilliant book, that I'll review in the next few days. A full head of foils is heavy!  I swear there must have been a whole roll or two of foil on my head, lol. It turns out, that my virgin hair can actually get quite white with the right bleach, but it's the previously dyed ends that make me look like a lion.  And nobody realised how long my hair was (almost everybody, including my husband, thought the first picture was DD1!), because I always wore it tied up in a tight, but messy, bun.

So yes, I'm happy.  Having only had it done on Monday, I don't know yet how it'll fade, but fingers crossed it'll last a good 6+ weeks, and I have the last of the pink dye to mix with my conditioner in order to refresh it. I have had so many compliments, from friends and strangers, I'm wondering why I had never done it earlier?  Not only that, even my mum thinks it looks lovely! 💖

People are funny

...weird, that is, not funny haha.  Though I am laughing about it all.  Luckily I'm in a good place mentally, so I can laugh about it; otherwise I fear what it would have done to my mental health.

In this blog I have posted much about my life, on lots of different topics.  I know I swerve from 'the norm' on some things - I'm a Christian, I home educate, I consider myself a naturist, and most recently I voted against the winners of the general election.  Within this blog, though I generally use it for book reviews and for tracking my failure to lose weight, I have posted the occasional more controversial topic.  Yet, it is a post that I thought was pretty middle of the road that has caused a bigger reaction than I expected!

I posted this directly on my Facebook Page in response to the result of the election.  I admit that my tongue was in my cheek when I suggested that the electorate were stupid, selfish or both, but did use the qualifier 'may' and pointed out that it's an opinion not a fact.
The rest of the post, however, was talking about how to help people in the coming days, months and years because I think a Tory government is not good for society, and does not have people's (especially poor people's) best interests at heart.
Finally, as I get prompted by FB on every post I write, I thought this may be a relevant one to actually add a donate button to.  I don't know you, I am not telling you you must donate, I am not saying reading my blog is on the condition of donating, but is something you could choose to do should you wish.  I chose the Trussell Trust because it is an organisation that has food banks nationally around the country.  I could have chosen a food bank that was local to me, but given that I know I have readers all around the country, and indeed around the world, I figured they wouldn't care about a food bank in my little town.

At time of writing, this post on FB has currently got 114 reactions (yey!), 57 comments, and 17 shares!  I naively thought that if people didn't like what I had to say (though as I've said, I didn't think it was controversial) they'd just scroll past and ignore.  There's so much that comes up on my FB newsfeed, that even from pages that I usually like, there is the odd post that doesn't resonate so I simply move on.  If it's a page I haven't 'liked' on FB, unless there was something absolutely ridiculous and needs refuting, if I don't agree with a post I'll either scroll past or at worst, hide it from my newsfeed.

You can probably tell where I'm going with this!  when I woke up Saturday morning, I was surprised to see that I had upset someone by choosing the Trussell Trust to donate to.  In that thread of conversation I was repeatedly told "you really are an idiot"; a different person said "coming to your page with insults, you started your diatribe with the very same insults, because you and millions of other moaners lost an election."  though in an interesting twist these two people then started arguing with each other.  Other comments, in response to my post: "Accept the result and stop preaching to the rest of us. You come across narrow minded, judgemental and bigoted."  being a Christian, I've sat in my fair share of sermons, and reckon I could preach with the best of them; this wasn't it.  Here I was just trying to suggest that people are kind to each other - clearly I failed! Finally (again, at point of writing), I'm told "You are stupid and selfish." Not one to normally boast, but having a Masters degree in Engineering Science from the University of Oxford (and I do have friends who read this blog, who were at uni with me - I'm not lying), I can categorically say I am not stupid.  I may not understand some things, or may lack knowledge in certain areas, but I hold my hands up and am honest if that is the case.  Similarly, I don't think I'm selfish [often. I think everyone, including me, is selfish at times.  I try my best to override that part of myself, and with God's help, I can manage it sometimes], nor do I think it selfish of me to say that we should be kind and love one another.  Surely that's common sense and part of being a good person?

Oh well, you live and learn.  People are funny weird, and I can laugh at it all.

Edited to add some more comments:
Very funny! Begging for our money to line your own pocket, just like many others! Try working for your money like we do!  As much as I wish I was paid for writing my opinions, I'm not, so receive all this abuse for free.
 if you want people to be kind how about giving it a go your self!   In reaction to not understanding the words 'may' or 'just an opinion'.
Your post insults a lot of hard working, decent people   Other than a tongue in cheek comment, that already has been clarified, I fail to see where I have insulted people, but suggesting a few things.

Oh well, you can't please everyone!