Invisible Children - Dispatches Ch4

[Note: I have edited this post, not to polish my raw feelings or thoughts, but because someone pointed out to me that I coloured the children's commissioner's words dark red, and the links have also appeared in red.  I have now gone through this post, and changed her words to blue.]

Before this program started, I stated: 

“I don't expect it to be balanced reporting. It's entitled "Skipping School: Britain's invisible kids" yet claims to be about home education.
Home Ed kids are NOT skipping school, because school is not compulsory. Nor are HE kids invisible - ALL children who have been deregistered from schools are KNOWN to the LA; and according to a past Chair of the Education Select Committee, Graham Stuart MP, HE children are "peculiarly visible".”

Unfortunately, my fears were far from unfounded. This post is a collection of my thoughts as I watch this program, so may not be as polished and eloquent as I hope I come across usually.

From the introduction, the program conflated welfare and education. Anne Longfield, the current children’s commissioner, has not even basic understanding of home education, nor of “children’s rights”. She made a number of statements that highlight her ignorance and I have coloured all her words blue.

There’s no such thing as “a classic home educator”. Has she asked schooled children if they want to be there? “creating own curriculum” - is she equally as anti private schools who create their own curriculum?

Success of education is NOT based on exam result – for starters, exams are not compulsory. “Should be doing GCSEs in 4 year’s time; what chance does he have?” - short-sighted nonsense. Learning is a lifelong skill. Plenty of children leave schools without qualification, and it is sad that they are so “schooled” that they think this failure is lifelong.

One statement I have made, and quote regularly is

“I think there are three dangerous lies about education that seem to be automatically be accepted as correct:

1. Learning only happens in school 

2. Learning stops at age 18 

3. Learning is difficult”

It is so sad and depressing that the children’s commissioner believes these fallacies!

Night School, college, OU, plenty of people who have qualifications at the “right” time, retrain and have a career change in midlife. It is a bad, old-fashioned view of education that thinks that education only happens within schools

Off-rolling – 88% councils are concerned of off-rolling – why are they chasing home educators, rather than schools?

“No matter how bad it is, I’m not convinced removing children from school is the answer” 

Contrast this to this Papyrus document that states 200 schooled children commit suicide every year!

If families are known to SS, then they are NOT invisible.  Khyra Ishaq and other supposed cases of HE – NONE of them are because of HE. They were ALL KNOWN by SS and other governmental departments. In the case of Dylan Seabridge, a retired head teacher who raised concerns a year before he died – so he was known!!! If there were welfare concerns, why weren’t SS contacted, as they DO have rights to enter the home!?!

There are already adequate powers to ensure the welfare of children - it is that services are not using them, and then blaming HomeEd as a scapegoat!

Non-registration at a school is not a “loophole” - HE is the legal default position, hence why you apply to register in school. Children are registered at birth, children are registered at death, registered at school, and registered when they emigrate. Simple maths would give the remaining number.

Illegal schools – is NOT home education, and should not be taken out on home educators. Ofsted have powers to deal with them; most home educators do not want to use schools of any kind. “This is not home education” - if she knows that it is not home education, why is she mixing them up in a program, to give home educators a bad name.

“why aren’t they at home if they are home educated?” Again, another sign of Anne's ignorance about home education, albeit said in the context of illegals schools in this instance.

“no one knows how home educators do academically” - A quick google has come up with a number of studies:

Research Literature from Home-Education.org.uk

Difference in Academic Achievement between Homeschooled and non-homeschooled students

Impact of schooling on Academic Achievement
Academic Achievement and Homeschooling

“There has to be a register of home educators” why?  what benefit will it have for home educators?

In conclusion, watch the program if you want to.  It just goes through the same old myths about HE and some blatant untruths.
I'll leave it to other bloggers who are more articulate than me, to go through each point in the program in more depth.  This was just my initial reaction from watching the program.

Feeling Refreshed

Two days at home, not because of illness, and I'm feeling really refreshed!

Yesterday was a "Snow Day", so I cancelled all the tutoring I was meant to be doing, the girls' dance lessons were cancelled and we  stayed at home.  Even my husband decided to work from home (and he does actually work when wfh, unlike when I was employed...) so we had lunch together and he was 'home' earlier than usual because of the lack of commute.

I was feeling quite emotional after my previous post, so I was glad to have the excuse to hibernate.  The girls played in the snow, and came in to play Minecraft together to warm up. We even watched more Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, and put it into practice, by helping DD1 sort through her clothes!  As she has the smallest bedroom in the house, DD1 also has the smallest furniture; and though her chest of drawers had seven drawers, they are tiny - smaller than half the size of mine.  Well, I've discovered, that by folding her pants and storing them upright I can actually fit 40 pairs in a single drawer - I didn't actually realise she had that much underwear!!

Today, the dance school was open again, but my car is only little and I don't like driving in the snow at the best of time, so I gave DD2 the option as to whether she wants to go in or not.  She chose not to, opting to finish building their snowman instead.  I spent some time in the garden with the girls and helped them with their masterpiece.  It was good to be outside and have fun as a family. In the time it took me to get my phone for a photo, the girls decided that the snow woman should be playing a flower-trumpet, but who am I to argue with their creative genius?

I've even nearly caught up on my washing, my husband has nearly caught up on the dishwashing (I control the washing machine, he controls the dishwasher) and I managed to make Slender choc chip cookies before we watched A Ripple Through Time film.  After the film we enjoyed homemade tomato soup and some more Slow Cooker Bread, which I had left to rise longer this time so was nice and fluffy.

Tomorrow we have a busy day, as the girls will have to go to their various dance lessons, they have exam practice and festival practice, as they are coming up within the next three weeks.  But right now, my husband is taking the girls to bed, and I'm relaxing on the sofa about to watch some TV.

Depression and Me

I thought I’d write this post about my depression, because it’s something I don’t talk about very much in real life, and mental health is something really important, and we shouldn’t be afraid to speak about it.

Depression is defined in Google’s dictionary as “feelings of severe despondency and dejection” and by the NHS as “if you're depressed, you feel sad, hopeless and lose interest in things you used to enjoy”. Some people call it the black dog, under the black cloud, the invisible illness, or simply say they’re “not well”. Statistically more than 3% of adults are diagnosed/depressed each year, but it’s very important to remember that everybody is an individual, and just because something worked for you or a friend, or your second-cousin-twice-removed’s neighbour’s uncle’s dog, does not mean that it will work for the next person, especially if you are also advocating that they come off any prescribed medication.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about suicidal thoughts etc.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed. I don’t remember when it started, but I do know a catalogue of things that contributed to it, and I was depressed by the time I was 13. At one point, a couple of my close friends were also depressed and talked of suicide, so at school I would try and comfort and support them. I think I did an ok job? (none of them committed suicide), though one did self harm occasionally. Looking back, I never told a teacher or their parents about it. I didn’t want them to get in trouble. I was stupid and wrong.

At 15yo I was definitely suicidal. On the outside I have everything going for me, and I didn’t like to be the centre of attention, so I didn’t tell a soul. Literally nobody. I was a “good” girl, I was academically able, I had friends to chat to at school and would visit their homes. There was nothing “wrong”, so I kept all my feelings inside and lived inside my head a lot of the time. At one point, I was very low, and held a steak knife pointed into my stomach, under the table, over dinner. It was pointy! (understatement!) but I was aware enough to know that that wouldn’t be a pleasant way to go, especially as if I'd failed, I would probably have given myself an infection. I had actually planned out my suicide. I’m not going to describe it here. I will say, that it was the ‘best’ that I could come up with, that would achieve it’s goal according to my own parameters. Nobody needed me. Nobody liked me. Nobody loved me. I was an annoyance at school and to my family. Nobody would miss me. Why didn’t I go through with it? Because, knowing how my family worked, it would be my mum who found me and I didn’t think that was fair on her.

Throughout this time I was a Christian. I didn’t attend church (I wasn’t allowed to), but did go to (and run for a while) my school’s Christian Union. I read the Bible, and prayed daily. Often crying out for help. I do believe God heard me. I came through my suicidal thoughts, by the time I was 18. Looking back, I should have told someone. I should have gone to the GP and got antidepressants. I should not have tried to go through it alone (albeit with God by my side). I was lucky, and do feel blessed by God for that experience.

Depression has never totally gone away; it always bubbles under the surface. Most of the time at university, I forgot about it. Occasionally my mood would dip, especially if I was struggling with the work, but overall things were ok.

When I became pregnant with DD1 I had a horrendous time. Initially I was told I’d miscarried, but I hadn’t.  Then I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum - extreme “morning sickness” that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Because she was “small for dates” I was told she probably had a chromosome disorder, but they wouldn’t know until she was born because I chose not to have the full set of tests available. She was 2 weeks overdue when born via Emergency Caesarian Section, after a failed induction. From the EmCS I got an infection in my abdomen, and because of the pain meds I got an anal fissure. And she didn’t take to breastfeeding very well, despite having may breastfeeding counsellors trying to help, so I had bleeding and agonising nipples for the first 8 weeks of her life. Was it a surprise I had PND and PTSD?
Fortunately, my health visitor was a wonderful lady and picked up on the signs. I am very self-aware, and knew something wasn’t right, not least because of the effect my husband had on me: I had such a fear of getting pregnant, that if my husband came near me, even to the point of holding my hand, my head, my brain would SCREAM at me. A high pitch, not-quite-audible alarm, even though my rational brain knew my husband just wanted to show affection or comfort me, and I wanted him to. So, my HV arranged for me to see a counsellor – what a waste of time and space. I explained everything that happened in the pregnancy, birth, post-birth. I explained about my head screaming if my husband would dare to touch my shoulder, even though rationally I knew there was nothing to fear. She asked me whether I wanted to have sex with my husband – yes I wanted to, but physically/psychologically couldn’t. Then her advice to me what to buy a vibrator. Seriously! I never went back.

It took longer than I hoped, but by getting a copy of my maternity notes, and getting support from various online communities, I did get past it, and DD2 was born. I had a slight dip again, after she was born, but nowhere near as bad as after DD1’s birth.

Life went on, and my mood would go up and down. I discovered that internally, I’m a very angry person. I wouldn’t necessarily show it in public, but sometimes some of my thoughts or actions would scare myself. I put myself through an anger management course, and did learn some useful techniques. However a few years ago a load of shit happened at the same time: beloved grandparents died, my mum’s cancer diagnosis, my father-in-law’s mental health issues, my husband had job issues – it all felt like it was getting on top of me.

At first I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve been depressed before, and I wasn’t as bad as I was then. I wasn’t suicidal, though I occasionally had bad thoughts – that was my gauge: if I started thinking about how I’d planned suicide previously, even though I knew I didn’t want to go through with it, that was the time to start making time for myself, looking after my mental health and start to work through it.

Then, over 2 years ago now, I had a full hysterectomy and BSO. I was put into immediate surgical menopause, but thankfully was given HRT (oestrogen patches) straight after the operation. After a few months, I could feel myself getting more and more angry, and wondered whether it was a side effect of the menopause and my HRT needed increasing, so went to see my GP. She was lovely, asked a few questions, including whether I thought I was depressed and whether I was suicidal. I explained that I had in the past, but didn’t think I was depressed now; and that I wasn’t suicidal, but thoughts about suicide had started occurring more frequently, so I knew it was a sign that something had to be done. I was told that what I was feeling was not due to the menopause, but I was clearly depressed – I’d just lived with fairly low level depression for so long that it was normal for me, and she prescribed me with antidepressants.

It makes such a difference to me. I’ve been on the medication for 2 years now, and if I accidentally forget to take it, it makes a difference to my mood immediately. Admittedly, I tend not to notice at the time – I’ll think the girls are playing up more than usual, or DD1 is having a pre-teen mood swing – but when I realise I have missed a tablet, all the extra arguments, irritations and niggles makes sense.

My mood does still go up and down. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Normally it manifests itself in terms of my executive functioning ability. I can’t keep control of my house. My personal hygiene starts to decline. I feel like my children hate me. I want to hide from everything and everyone. Getting out of bed is difficult. I can’t sleep until the early hours, and then can’t wake in the morning. Everything is too much effort. I can’t cook, so my eating goes out of control, and then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. And I’m angry.

But it is somewhat predictable. I know it will pass, and it does. I try not to impact my children, and will still drive them about the place, even when I really don’t want to. And soon enough, it has passed, and I’m back to being stable again. I know I get affected by SAD, so as the nights and mornings are getting lighter, I feel in control again, and there is longer between the dips.

If you, or anyone you know suffers with depression, please encourage them. Include them and invite them, even if you know they may need to turn it down. Give them practical help, especially if they feel they can’t leave their home for a while. Love them. Encourage them to see their GP, because 1. medication is not evil and 2. there are other treatments such as counselling, or CBT etc. Listen to them. Be there, not necessarily saying or doing anything, just sitting. Remind them that they are not alone.

We care. We will help. We love you.

I wish I knew who created this to give them the credit.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):

Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 

Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Bloom: 50 Things by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young

The full title of this book is Bloom: 50 Things to Say, Think, and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids and anyone who knows DD1 knows this is a perfect description of her!  She is lovable and intelligent, but when her anxiety is high or she becomes frustrated, that is when we see the other side of her.

The description says:

Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Come to understand the developmental origins of behaviors and take a fresh look at how you can address them with skill-building techniques that produce real and lasting change.

Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, Bloom offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment.

The first book of its kind, Bloom provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Bloom allows you to take a collaborative stance with your children, improving their cognitive, emotional and social skills. Bloom offers a new approach to human relationships that will change the way you perceive, think and feel about parenting, love, work and life. Bloom changes everything. If it works wonders with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, imagine what it can do for your child.

BONUS: Each chapter has a QR code that links to bonus videos so you can hear directly from the authors about each topic.

The book is split into 11 chapters on a variety of subjects from Biting to Grief.  Within each chapter, there are also examples of What to Say,  What to Think, What to Do when you encounter each behaviour, with the aim that your own reaction doesn't exasperate the situation - something I admit I need help with as DD1 is a helluva lot teeny weeny little bit like me...

I thought this was a good book, and would be really useful for some children and parents.

The downside, for me, is that it concentrates on young children, up to age 10.  Now ideally, all this issues would be sorted by then, but DD1 is older and still gets anxious, angry and over-the-top.  Maybe because she is [undiagnosed] on the autistic spectrum, maybe because I'm a crap parent, maybe because we're too similar and I can't see the wood for the trees as I empathise with how she's feeling whilst also trying to gain the control that my parents had over me when I was that age.  Either way, I didn't find the book as useful as I had hoped, but I wish I had discovered it earlier.

If you have a young child who sounds like the description, I would recommend this book to you.

Bright and Quirky Summit 2019

A friend recommended the Bright and Quirky Summit 2019 to be because, in short, that phrase accurately describes DD1.  It is free to join, and consists of 7 days of 4-5 lectures per day (each one 30-60 minutes); and started yesterday at 3pm GMT (which I think is 7am PST or 10am EST for those in the US). Each day's worth of talks are available for 24hours; or you can pay to have an all access pass which gives you access to the talks for longer.

Day 1: Understand your Uniquely Wired Child
Day 2: Managing Emotional Intensity, Meltdowns and Behaviour
Day 3: Navigating School and Learning Challenges
Day 4: Managing Social Challenges and Building Community
Day 5: Increasing Focus, Motivation and Executive Function
Day 6: Calming Stress, Anxiety and Perfectionism
Day 7: Parenting Complex Bright and Quirky Kids

I haven't watched all the videos from Day 1 yet, but because there were technical difficulties yesterday, Day 1 is accessible for a further 24hours.  I am currently listening to Day 2's talk by Ross Greene, and already he has said something great, that I figure I should do an extra blog post today, so that other people can benefit from the conference.

Paraphrased, Ross Greene said "consequences don't solve the problem, they only modify the behaviour that is being caused by the problem". Wow, interesting!  Definitely something to mull over!

And Laura Markham said [after demonstrating a parent shouting back]: "you're escalating the upset, and your child is not learning self regulation".  Ooops - Guilty!

So, if you think your child can be described by Bright, or Quirky, or both(!) then I think it'll be worth your time listening to some of the talks this week.

Parable of the Talents

Today concluded our Church's series on Time.  At the start of each year, the church does a series on the 5 rocks of the church: Trinity-centred, Bible Based, Gospel Absorbed, Growth Focused, and Mission Minded; as I said, the overarching topic this year was about Time.  Every week, there has been this quote from Matt Fuller's Book Time for Everything: "You don't have time to do everything you want to do, but you do have time to do everything God wants you to do".

Admittedly, I haven't read the book myself (it is on my WishList!), so this is not a review of the book, and I may have even mis-remembered the exact wording of the quote, however, there is a great truth there - I don't have time to do everything I want to do.  Every minute of the day, I confront that truth.  It is amazing and refreshing to see that there is time to do everything God wants me to do.

The sermon today was on The Parable of the Talents from Matthew 25.  I have linked to the full quote, but the story is a familiar one: a Master gives his Servants talents to look after in his absence.

When he returns, the servants who have doubled their money are praised, and the servant who returns the initial money is chastised.

I have always found this difficult to comprehend - why is the servant who returns the money chastised?  He hadn't lost it, he kept it safe, what is wrong with that?  Sermons in the past have likened the money in the parable, to spiritual gifts or talents, that we should use for God.  You may remember my previous blog post about Spiritual Gifts, and I have been helping more within the church.  However, it has always seemed harsh to me, that if you don't have many gifts, then the little you do have will be taken away.

Well, Sunday's sermon separated the use of the word 'talent' (which incidentally is a measure of weight, approximately 35kg - in which case I am over 2 talents, lol) from our modern understand of talents, being skills or achievements.  It talked about how everything we have is from God, and we should use it all wisely for His glory.

When listening to the sermon it occurred to me, that my trouble with this was the use of the words Master and Servants.  A more relevant analogy (to me, anyway) is that of a business man and his employees:

A business man was very generous, giving his employees a good salary and bonus. He delegates managing his finances to his employees before he departs for a while according to their ability.  One has £5M, one has £2M and one has £1M.   When he returns, he asks his employees to come to account.  The one who was trusted with £5M, worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  Similarly the one who was trusted with £2M worked hard and was able to return it with interest.  The one who only had £1M, didn't work hard at all.  He used his time for himself, and though he was able to return the initial £1M, the business man chastised him for being lazy and wicked.

The sermon from Sunday didn't use the business man analogy, but did explain why the Master was angry with the third servant.  God gives each of us His Blessings and time within which to do good for His Kingdom.  Sometimes this may require us to take a risk, and sometimes that risk may not appear to pay off.  It is up to us, however, to work hard and use our time wisely and faithfully, rather than spending time on selfish pursuits.

Weekly Update No4

This week I aimed to lose 0.5kg.

I haven't managed it.  It was my own fault, not only because I'm the one who controls what I put into my mouth or how much I move, but also because I hadn't done the shopping this week.  Usually, I meal plan, then buy what is needed so that I can prepare healthy, satisfying meals.  This week, however, I couldn't be bothered.  The mental load was too much for me, and I simply didn't want the responsibility.
So, I didn't.

And neither did anyone else.  Cue a week of spending too much money because we had to buy convenience food for every meal, plus a week of very unhealthy food because a lot of it was fast food, or takeaways, or generally prepackaged food with too much salt or sugar.

So, yesterday I spent a couple of hours planning what we're going to eat - determining whether I have time cook in the evening, or if I need to use the slow cooker because I'm chauffeuring the girls around (and whether I have time in the morning to put it on in amongst our home ed commitments), or whether the girls need a packed tea because they're out or evening, or whether we need something that I can simply empty out of packaging and reheat, or whether I have time to prep food in advance, to make meal times easier.  And after all that, I then spent another hour ordering food online to be delivered this morning.

And this morning, the food will arrive. As there is no Science Club today, I will hopefully have time to prep the meals that I need to; prep salads so I can have healthy lunches or snacks.
With a kitchen full of healthy foods, I know I will do better.