Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Weekly Update Y2w2

Following advice, I have decided to start my graph again from the start of the year; hoping that means that my post-Christmas weight is the biggest I'll be this year and my graph will look pretty and trending downwards for the rest of the year.

And so far it's working.  The yellow line (that's an average across 5 days) is smoothly going down, so that's good.  Though I am not specifically calorie counting, I am tracking my calories daily and on the whole am under 1500kCals each day.

My lowest weight(s) though are from days where my mental health hasn't been good, and I did something new for me.  Rather than bingeing, which is my usual response to emotional stuff, I stopped eating.  I just couldn't face it.  A day or two of that won't harm anyone, but having lived through starvation when I was pregnant (hyperemesis gravidarum) it is not good nor healthy for anyone to do that often.

I'm trying to get myself into a new weekly routine of having a grocery shop arrive on a Tuesday - Tuesday because that's the day (atm) that I'm not rushing here, there or everywhere.  Immediately, I will make a slow cooker thing for dinner, and a smaller slow cooker soup.  Last week I made Coriander Chicken, which was so easy - basically, salsa, chicken and fresh coriander cooked together.  Yum.  We ate that with rice, which was delicious.  However, because the recipe I'm following cooks for 6 people (and my girls are very fussy with their food) it meant we ate the same main (with different sides) 3 nights in a row.  The soup we were eating for lunch, and I actually made 2 soups last week.  My husband isn't keen on having the same meal multiple times, and our freezer is full of past meals that I've portioned out, and then forgot about...  He has suggested that I scale down the meals to make enough for either 2 or 4 people - but that ain't happening this week! lol.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking hoisin chicken, and I love hoisin (and Chinese food/flavours in general), so I'll be making the full amount of that, hehe.  I haven't decided what soup I am making yet (last week I made Tortilla soup and Miso soup), but am thinking of using up the veg we have in the freezer.  In a few weeks we're finally getting a new kitchen - yey! so I want to use up as much of the stuff in the freezer as possible, so it's easier to move around all the appliances.

Given that I ate fairly normally yesterday, and my weight rose slightly, I hope that is not going to continue.  I don't mind losing weight slowly, as long as I am losing weight.  That's partly why I also look at the average - so daily fluctuation doesn't matter too much.  Here's hoping this next week continues the progress I've made this year.

Live Uncaged by Mary DeMuth

Live Uncaged is no longer available on Amazon UK, but its blurb said:

Are you stuck in the past? Don't know how to heal beyond what happened to you back then? Are you tired of repeating the mistakes of your parents?

Author Mary DeMuth helps you understand your past, embrace healing today, and anticipate an irresistible future.

Through biblical teaching, real life in-the-trenches examples, and an eye toward spiritual growth, author Mary DeMuth helps you live the uncaged life you've always wanted.

Throughout this  book Mary DeMuth goes through lots of different ways in which we can be living as if caged, rather than allowing Christ to set us free.  I should as a trigger warning here, because Mary has experienced much pain in her life, not lease because of sexual abuse and rape that she has experienced as a child.  Despite this, thoughout the book you can see the joy that has come into her life thanks to her faith.

As this book is a collection of blog posts, rather than written as a book, some of the topics are repeated, but don't let this put you off.  Each post is clearly laid out, and Mary puts her heart and soul on the page, as she prays for herself and for the reader that they get healing from whatever ails them.

A Flair for Chardonnay by Deborah Garner

This is the first book I have read this year, and I enjoyed it.  It is about a woman who owns a fashion shop notices one of her shop-neighbours, a chocolatier called Matteo, has had an argument with his family and decides to investigate.  Before long, a murder has occurred and it looks like Matteo may be the guilty party.

The blurb says:

When flamboyant senior sleuth Sadie Kramer learns the owner of Cioccolato, her favorite chocolate shop, is in trouble, she heads for the California wine country with a tote-bagged Yorkie and a slew of questions. The fourth generation Tremiato Winery promises answers, but not before a dead body turns up at the vintners’ scheduled Harvest Festival.

All four Tremiato siblings have possible motives, as well as a few peripheral acquaintances, but only one could be the guilty party. As Sadie juggles truffles, tips and turmoil, she’ll need to sort the grapes from the wrath in order to find the identity of the killer.

This was an enjoyable book, a cosy murder mystery, with a laid-back pace of Sadie and her dog Coco.  It kept me reading, as I wasn't sure who the real murderer was, and all loose ends were neatly tied up at the end of the book.
The only negative to this book was that it referred to Sadie's sleuthing, and the fact that detectives were refusing to come to her for guidance, - making me think I had started halfway through a series - when in fact this is indeed the first of 4 books.  I think it just means that rather than a flamboyant senior sleuth, Sadie Kramer is a nosey-parker who likes to get involved in other people's business.
I'm glad I read it, nonetheless.

The Island Legacy by Ruth Saberton

I read this book, because, yet again, it was next in the list of books I've bought but haven't read yet.  The Island Legacy is about a woman who inherits a small island, complete with its own castle, off the coast of Cornwall, from an uncle that she never met.  That uncle never had children of his own, but was cared for in his dying days by a different niece with a heart-of-gold, and was in touch with a nephew who was busy circling with the vultures...

The blurb says:

When free spirited Ness Penwellyn inherits a Cornish island, it isn't long before she encounters property developer, Max Reynard. Wealthy and wickedly handsome, Max is accustomed to getting his own way but his assumption she’ll sell to him makes Ness determined to go it alone.

Before long, Ness and Max are locked in a battle of wills as the castle’s past and present collide in the fight for its future. As time runs out, Ness must decide who to trust with the island legacy and her heart…

THE ISLAND LEGACY is captivating blend of romance, mystery and courage played out against the breath taking beauty of Cornwall’s dramatic coastline.

This is a heartwarming cozy romance in amongst the tale of a woman troubled by secrets of her parents' past.  It is well written, and was lovely to read a story based on the British coastline.  Having stayed in Perranporth and been to the beach at Perran Sands, I confess to having googled to see if Pirran Castle was a real place (it isn't), but it is reminiscent of St Michael's Mount (which I have been to).

I read this book in one night (night, because I had insomnia and this kept me occupied until 6am) and it was a really enjoyable read.  Arguably it is predictable, but when reading this type of book you want it to be - I would be disappointed if the leading lady didn't get her love interest in the end.  There are clear goodies, and baddies, and some who appear to switch sides when you know them on a deeper level.  I will definitely read more of Ruth's books in the future.

Weekly Update Y2w1

So, my weight is still increasing after the Christmas period, and I don't know whether to start a new graph for the new year (in the hope that it decreases nicely and looks pretty), or to own the fact that I haven't lost weight, and am back to where I was a month or so ago? What do you think? Should I start again (again)?

What I am starting again, though, is tracking.  Once again, I'm using My Fitness Pal to track what I'm eating, as there does seem to be a correlation between me tracking and at least maintaining my weight, if not losing it.  I am also reconnecting with the 2B Mindset, specifically the 2 Bunnies - Water First, Veggies Most, Use the Scale and Track what you eat; and aim to do Body Groove at least once a week, if not twice.  My new day for Body Groove is Tuesday (since I'm home all day Tuesdays) and the Friday mornings that I'm home (roughly fortnightly).

I've also joined a local online fitness/get healthy group, in the hope that it will motivate me and spur me into action.  This is not a new year's resolution - it just happens to be in the new year, because it''s after the Christmas period.  I need to lose weight for my health and for future surgeries.

And because, whilst watching Friends with my girls, DD2 commented last night that I looked like Monica, and should do what she did and simply lose weight.  As much as I should be horrified by that comment, I'm not - I'm more horrified that I look at 'Fat Monica' and notice that she's thinner/looks better than I do.

The Empty Door by E R Mason

The blurb for The Empty Door says:

Cassiopia Cassell’s high IQ had always been too much for the men she’d dated. But now her beloved father was missing, and the only way to rescue him required she retain the services of a man with special abilities, a man she did not care for, and one she would have to convince to accompany her through an unexplained portal that led to dangers beyond imagination.

This book for me was a mixed bag.  It has tonnes of potential and some really good ideas.  Unfortunately, it seems to be two books in one.  There's one storyline which has this artefact that causes people to see their true being (and therefore the suicides of some bad guys).  Simultaneously, there's the storyline with the missing physicist, hidden experiments and a portal to another world.  Each of these plots has potential to be great books in their own right, I just don't understand why they've been put together?

That said, I have put book 2 on my wishlist, so it can't have been that bad.  I just hope this book focuses on the Cassiopia/SciFi side of things...