Ugly Me: My Life with Body Dysmorphia

Last night I watched Ugly Me: My Life with Body Dysmorphia a documentary on the BBC about how some people view their own bodies (it is currently available on iPlayer if anyone wants to watch it).

The write-up says:

Documentary exploring body dysmorphic disorder, a condition which causes people to believe they are extremely ugly. The film follows 29-year-old Liane and her boyfriend Mitch over a year as Liane starts therapy to try and conquer this crippling condition. Each week Liane meets Professor David Veale, one of the world's leading experts on BDD, who attempts to undo some of her deeply entrenched habits, often leading to uncomfortable and revealing realisations.

The documentary also hears from a range of people who are in recovery from BDD. Talking movingly about their own personal experiences helps illuminate Liane's journey and reveals more about this illness.

What I found interesting about this program, is that these people are patently not ugly.  Yet, they were vocalising my thoughts.  Is it not BDD if it is true?  I am fat and I am ugly.  I am not good at makeup, and as Liane says in the documentary, what's the point spending hours on your makeup when it makes no difference?  So, I don't.  I rarely wear makeup, because I feel like I look like a dog's dinner when I do.  At least this way, I haven't put in loads of effort to still look ugly.  I have papulopustular rosacea, which is largely controlled by antibiotics (compared to previously where I was continually asked if I had chicken pox or if I was contagious), but still have breakouts in spots and a red face.  And spots still look like spots, even when covered in foundation and concealer, the raised bumps are still visible and, in my mind, look worse than just admitting I'm covered in spots in the first place.

The other difference between me, and these people, is that I don't let it stop me doing anything (unless I'm getting swamped by my depression).  I am ugly, but I figure that other people can not look. I am fat, but I don't let it stop me (and I've never liked buying clothes anyway).  Depending on what I'm wearing (or whether I've been drinking, as to whether I'm concerned about it) I do feel self conscious, and if people start laughing I'm always convinced it's about me.  One of the reasons why I carry my kindle (or kindle phone app atm) is because I'd rather be alone by choice, than excluded.  If I'm upset or overwhelmed, I can stare at my book/phone pretending to read, rather than face up to the fact that people are talking about me or laughing at me.  If I pretend long enough that I'm fine, maybe it'll be true?

Growing up, I was always fat, and was bullied in primary school because of it.  At home, I was "the clever one" and my sister was "the pretty one"/"the sporty one" (none of these names did either of us any good).  And yes, my husband regularly tells me I'm beautiful etc and I have slowly come to believe that he truly believes that.  I don't doubt him at all.  He is, however, misguided.

So after all this, do I think I have BDD? No.  Firstly, it's true: I'm not pretty or beautiful in the slightest.  But also, it doesn't impact my life much or stop me doing stuff.  I mainly just thought the program was interesting because I assumed that everyone thinks these things about themselves.

Weekly Update no 12

This past week I have been finishing the juice programme, and I have to say it it has worked really well. Overall I have lost half a stone, and though I don’t feel I have any more energy in myself, I am awake in the mornings. I am waking up before my alarm clock, rather than putting it on snooze ten hundred times, and feel awake. I can get out of bed at a reasonable time in the morning and even see my husband off for work!

This week, I am going to do two smoothies a day, and a proper dinner in the evening. I will try and eat low carb in the evenings, to keep the weight loss going. I know any weight loss now will be much slower than it has been this week, but hope it will continue. If at any point I feel my weight is stagnating, I know I can always sign up for a 3 day programme just to give me the boost I need.

Now I have finished 10 days of juices and smoothies, I can share my experience. It was much easier than I was expecting. Many people have told me that they couldn’t cope without eating food, but actually it wasn’t too bad. I even was able to bypass cookies and cakes. The hardest thing for me was not ‘cooking for others’ as I managed that, and had the juice next to me, sipping as I did so; but watching my girls turn up their noses to the lovely pastries I made: cheese and ham, or sausage and cream cheese. I do confess to eating one of those. And on Friday night I went out for a meal of Moroccan Tapas. That was delicious. I did not drink my evening smoothie before I met my friends. I drank a mocktail in the first bar, and then stuck to water all night. I ate less than I usually do, but felt so stuffed! I really ate too much. I did enjoy the food, it was very tasty, but I need to learn that I can’t eat as much as I want to; both in order to lose weight, and also because my stomach has shrunk a little. Even at the march on Saturday I took along my juices, though at one point I did have the dilemma of being really hungry, but also desperate for the loo so not wanting to drink anything more! Fortunately, I was just waiting for the coach by this point, and there were public loos nearby so it was resolved quickly.

So this week, as I reintroduce food into my diet, I need to focus on portion control, and storing/saving/reusing leftovers appropriately.

Put it to the People March

Yesterday, I was able to join over a million other people at the People's Vote March in London.  It was amazing being in so large a crowd, and definitely had a carnival atmosphere.

There are so many pictures online from the event, and it was great to see the giant star on BBC News  which was made and carried by some people who were on my coach!

We had a bit of excitement, when a friend's 15yo son went for a wander without telling anyone... The police were great, and he was soon found.  The worst bit for me (yes, I know, it was much worse for his mum), was when I found him, there was no phone signal for me to tell my friend! But it was alright in the end, and they were soon reunited.

Coincidentally, I also met up with someone I hadn't seen for 15years!  We did the same course at university, and hadn't been in touch since.  Considering it was hard enough for people to meet friends intentionally, it was pure chance to meet someone I knew.  One steward told me yesterday that over 1.5M people had turned up, though I've no idea how such numbers can be verified?

I was very tired when I got back home yesterday, and fell asleep when taking DD2 to bed.  Today, I have been catching up on all the photos and videos online; and have found out that other friends were also on the march.  As it was so big, I'm glad I didn't arrange to meet them too, but hope they all had a good time.

The Revoke Article 50 petition is still going, and has now passed the 5M signatories mark.  A way to check updates, without causing the petition to crash again, is using this website, which also breaks the votes down by constituency, so you can see how many people in your area have voted.

Brexit and democracy

Having triggered Article 50 a couple of years ago, Britain is meant to be leaving the EU at the end of

this month.  Unfortunately, there still is no plan.
As a result, many of us are marching this weekend in support of a People's Vote; where we, the people, can decide on the mess that the country is currently in.

I will be there in my Tshirt and carrying my Brolly, and encourage as many people as possible to come along too.

On Wednesday night, Prime Minister Theresa May made a speech to the nation, telling us how we feel, how she is with us, and it's not her fault, but the MPS for not agreeing with the deal she repeatedly proposes that nobody wants.  I've since seen descriptions of how it was an attempt to hypnotise the nation, and it certainly seems like that - I don't know what else she was trying to achieve?

One impact it has had, however, is to draw attention to a petition: Revoke Article 50. When I signed it, only about 30,000 people had signed.  This has increased massively, to the point where the website crashed this morning!  Every time I refresh the petition page, the number of signatories has increased, and at 14:28 today, it is now up to 972,873! I have even seen one meme suggesting that the House of Commons will take action when the petition reaches 17.4M people, - the number of people who voted Leave in the first place.  I don't know how true it is, but given that  it has increased to nearly a million people in one day, if Brexit is extended even a short while, it won't be long to hit that target.

As for democracy, democracy means that we have a say in politics and who governs us.  It means we can change our minds.  It means that just because conservatives were voted in power once, does not mean that they will stay in power forever.  Just because something was voted in once, does not mean that there is never another vote.  And if new information has come to light - particularly if one 'side' has been accused of electoral fraud and fined - then that vote should be either cancelled or at least redone.  

And that is what the People's Vote is all about - now the general public has more information, and the Leave campaign has been shown to be full of untruths and they still don't have a plan, there should be another vote where people are more informed.

Weekly Update No11

So, if you've been reading more than these updates, you'll see I went into a bit of a funk last week,
and ended up splurging over £200 on a 10day juice programme.  I've done 3 full days so far, so am just about to embark on day 4, and it is working! 

From last Monday, I have lost 1.5kg, but my weight was increasing throughout the week, and Thursday I hit an unwanted peak of over 98kilos.  But, I started the juice programme on Friday, and since then I have lost 2.5kg, over 1kilo the first day, and over 0.5kg on the two subsequent days.  (And yes, anyone who follows my facebook page will notice a discrepancy, where yesterday I claimed I had lost 2.5kilos - turns out despite being a maths tutor, I can't subtract. Doh!)

So, my plan for this week, is to keep on the programme.  The programme itself says you can just drink the juices and smoothies, but you don't have to, and if you do eat, you should eat raw fruit and veg.  Everyday, I've been enjoying a sliced apple dipped in 100% almond butter in addition to the juices.  I plan to keep this up for the full ten days.  However, I'm going out with friends on Friday (yes, despite my wobble last week, I do have friends :) ).  Normally, I'll eat too much and drink at least a bottle of wine to myself...  I asked the makers of the programme for their advice, and they said to avoid alcohol, caffeine and to eat as healthily as possible. I'm going to "be good" and not drink alcohol, and whilst I will try to eat healthy-ish, I want to fully enjoy the Moroccan Tapas we'll be having!  What I haven't worked out yet, is whether I should have the 7pm juice (we're meeting at 7pm in a bar, before eating at 8) and hope that it'll stop me overeating afterwards? Or, should I avoid the extra calories of the juice - save it for another day - and accept the fact I will be eating more than I should either way? 

And, I need to think about how to reintroduce food and eating normally, without piling all the weight back on; or whether I should continue the programme for longer; or whether I should try and recreate the programme at home (I do have a high speed blender for smoothies); or whether I should work out a system where perhaps I eat 2 smoothies a day and a proper dinner; or something else that I haven't thought of.  Any advice gratefully received!

Youth 4 Climate Strike March '19

Yesterday we joined millions of school-aged children and young people world wide to demonstrate how important climate action is. It has been said, that there are only 11 years left in order to change our current approach, until climate change is deemed irreversible for the worse.

It is unbelievable that in this day and age, some people still question climate change - there have been warnings since I was a young child - let alone claim it is a conspiracy or 'fake news'. And yet, when the people who will be directly affected after my generation (and older) are long gone, actually shout and make a noise about the fact their elders are not doing enough, it is met with claims that "they only wanted a day off school", and "the kids are hypocrites" etc.

Nobody leads a perfect life.  Even friends I have that I trying to be totally self-sufficient by growing, making and mending as much as possible, need a car occasionally to get around.  Or another friend who doesn't drive, is vegan and tries to be as environmentally friendly as possible, cannot live totally plastic-free.  And it is unreasonable to suggest that unless you can do all these things and more then you are a hypocrite and it's not worth trying anything.  Bullshit. We can all do a little bit more.  And for things that are outside of our control, we need to use our voice to protest, march, petition and at least try to change the minds of those in power: councils, governments and businesses.

So while the protest we attended was not in a major city, so was not as large as many that were around the country, and around the world, for these 30-odd students (yes, there were more not in the picture) they are showing they care, and give me hope for the future.

Feeling like shit

Bit of a frank post this one.  I've been feeling like shit recently.  A combination of lots of things, including the fact that I ran out of antidepressants on Monday.  I ordered more last week, and thought I had a week's grace, but obviously not. As it takes 4 working days for repeats to be fulfilled, I was only able to collect more on Thursday.

My weight is also increasing.  As I'm an emotional eater, my response to this is to shovel more crap into my pie-hole.  Part of me is curious whether I can actually make it to 100kg?  Anther part of me wonders how high I can make my weight? And the sensible part of me tells me that's a crap idea, I need to lose weight as it is (because I need to have surgery in a couple of years, not just general health reasons), and I'm stupid for even thinking otherwise.

I'm meant to be a 2B Mentor, but I can't even sort out my own head.  I wanted to do the Body Groove Facilitator Training at the end of this month, but thankfully saved my money, as I'm not even managing to do 10min dancing a day, let alone claim to be able to get others dancing.  It is something I would like to do one day, maybe they're next offering it in the UK, but my head isn't there yet.

I watched Isn't it Romantic? last night: "After hitting her head, an architect who hates romantic comedies wakes up to find her unremarkable life has become a dazzling, cliché-driven rom-com".  It was really enjoyable, but made me realise that I don't love myself.  I don't even like myself half the time.  I'm amazed I have friends at all, as I can be so clingy and melancholy at times << I'm hoping that's the depression talking, though it feels very real.

One good thing to come from this slump, is that I haven't got angry!  I always thought, and it seemed to be in the past, that if I came off my ADs, then my temper would run riot.  Actually, it hasn't been the case at all.  I haven't argued with DD1 once this week.  All my anger has turned inwards on myself, which is probably what you'd expect with standard depression.  I did think about going to the chemist/doctors to try and get my medication early since I had run out, but I couldn't convince myself that I was worth it.

I have lost weight before, and I know I can do it again.  But I also know that my head has to be in the right place.  Previously, my weightloss was kickstarted because I had HG when pregnant, causing me to lose 3 stone in the first trimester.  After that pregnancy, I lost a bit more weight, before becoming pregnant again, and managed to lose even more, so I was comfortably down to 64kilos.  That is where I would like to go again.  The 'diet' I used (inverted commas, because it was a lifestyle change) was based on the book Fat Burner Foods by Dr Caroline Schreeve.  It was low carb, high fruit and veg, and high amount of liquids/soup throughout the day too. It showed me that I really don't have to eat very much at all, to stay full and satisfied.  I seem to have lost that along the way.

A few years ago, I was making smoothies daily for breakfast or lunch, and though I didn't lose much weight, I felt much healthier and better in myself, as well as being fitter (I was exercising more then too).  Right now, I have tried to pre-prepare salads and vegetables, I have bought fruit with the honest intention of eating them, but I am wasting lots of food.  Not in the worst way, as I do compost, so it's not just going straight to landfill, but still a waste of food and money.

So what am I doing about it?
Spending even more money of course...

The Core is a raw food and juice bar that also offers programmes. Right now, I don't seem to have the mental function for making food for lunch or dinner (I'm not sleeping well, so am not even waking up for breakfast!), so having everything ready made will be good for me.  I'll be doing the standard 'Juice Programme' and have not yet decided whether I am going to stick to liquids alone, or whether I will need some food alongside, but we'll see how we do.

Now I have started taking my medication again, I hope that this increase in nutrition will kick-start my body into behaving and give me more energy, and help me make the needed steps in the right direction.

Edited to add: I wrote this yesterday and took an AD when I received them in the afternoon.  In the evening, my husband commented how much happier I'd seemed.  It's kinda scary (but good!) how fast/much they affect me.
Last night I even slept well, not waking up until this morning!