Brexit and democracy

Having triggered Article 50 a couple of years ago, Britain is meant to be leaving the EU at the end of

this month.  Unfortunately, there still is no plan.
As a result, many of us are marching this weekend in support of a People's Vote; where we, the people, can decide on the mess that the country is currently in.

I will be there in my Tshirt and carrying my Brolly, and encourage as many people as possible to come along too.

On Wednesday night, Prime Minister Theresa May made a speech to the nation, telling us how we feel, how she is with us, and it's not her fault, but the MPS for not agreeing with the deal she repeatedly proposes that nobody wants.  I've since seen descriptions of how it was an attempt to hypnotise the nation, and it certainly seems like that - I don't know what else she was trying to achieve?

One impact it has had, however, is to draw attention to a petition: Revoke Article 50. When I signed it, only about 30,000 people had signed.  This has increased massively, to the point where the website crashed this morning!  Every time I refresh the petition page, the number of signatories has increased, and at 14:28 today, it is now up to 972,873! I have even seen one meme suggesting that the House of Commons will take action when the petition reaches 17.4M people, - the number of people who voted Leave in the first place.  I don't know how true it is, but given that  it has increased to nearly a million people in one day, if Brexit is extended even a short while, it won't be long to hit that target.

As for democracy, democracy means that we have a say in politics and who governs us.  It means we can change our minds.  It means that just because conservatives were voted in power once, does not mean that they will stay in power forever.  Just because something was voted in once, does not mean that there is never another vote.  And if new information has come to light - particularly if one 'side' has been accused of electoral fraud and fined - then that vote should be either cancelled or at least redone.  

And that is what the People's Vote is all about - now the general public has more information, and the Leave campaign has been shown to be full of untruths and they still don't have a plan, there should be another vote where people are more informed.

Youth 4 Climate Strike March '19

Yesterday we joined millions of school-aged children and young people world wide to demonstrate how important climate action is. It has been said, that there are only 11 years left in order to change our current approach, until climate change is deemed irreversible for the worse.

It is unbelievable that in this day and age, some people still question climate change - there have been warnings since I was a young child - let alone claim it is a conspiracy or 'fake news'. And yet, when the people who will be directly affected after my generation (and older) are long gone, actually shout and make a noise about the fact their elders are not doing enough, it is met with claims that "they only wanted a day off school", and "the kids are hypocrites" etc.

Nobody leads a perfect life.  Even friends I have that I trying to be totally self-sufficient by growing, making and mending as much as possible, need a car occasionally to get around.  Or another friend who doesn't drive, is vegan and tries to be as environmentally friendly as possible, cannot live totally plastic-free.  And it is unreasonable to suggest that unless you can do all these things and more then you are a hypocrite and it's not worth trying anything.  Bullshit. We can all do a little bit more.  And for things that are outside of our control, we need to use our voice to protest, march, petition and at least try to change the minds of those in power: councils, governments and businesses.

So while the protest we attended was not in a major city, so was not as large as many that were around the country, and around the world, for these 30-odd students (yes, there were more not in the picture) they are showing they care, and give me hope for the future.

Why are Women’s Clothes Policed?

Why are women not afforded the same rights in regard to choosing their own clothes? Ideally, I think everybody should be able to wear whatever they want, or not, because ideally people wouldn’t be wearing clothing with offensive or hateful slogans. But even with that caveat, why can’t everybody wear whatever they want, or not? (The ‘not’ is in there, because I think everybody should be free to not wear clothes if they wish. I’m a big supporter of the TopFreedom movement.) 

Just today, I saw an article about Decathlon selling sports-headwear for Muslim women, and I thought that was such a good idea. That will allow Muslim women to take part in sports that they may otherwise be unable or unwilling to. However, I then read on in the article to discover that these piece of clothing has been banned in France. France has already banned face coverings for Muslim women, and any form of religious dress (ie headscarves and turbans) in French schools.

I am aware that some men force women to wear full body coverings as a form of subjugation, and that Islam doesn’t specify that women must wear such clothes. However, conversely, some women prefer to wear such clothing because they don’t want their bodies scrutinised by men, or other women; they don’t want to receive unwanted attention; and simply, they like to wear a burqa (for example) as outwear, whilst still wearing their usual clothing underneath. Assuming that the women have a genuine choice, Let Them Choose!

Women of all walks of life are bombarded with messages about what they should look like, what they should wear, and how they should never wear the other… Women’s gossip magazines are undoubtedly the worst, but with the rise of social media, whether it be through FB or YouTube Influencers, the message is getting out that women should look as best they can for other people. I even read an article that was shared recently called 10 Ways your clothes reveal your heart at church  and it included the line “One can tell a lot about a woman that didn’t even have time to swipe concealer under her eyes before leaving the house.” Really? You see a woman who isn’t wearing make-up and you automatically make a judgement?! On the whole, I don’t wear make-up. It’s a choice I make, because I see it as a waste of my time. If I’m going out somewhere particularly nice, I’ll like to dress up, but otherwise, no. Isn’t sad that a woman feels they can’t leave their house without being plastered in war paint? [See, I can be judgemental too!] Why can’t a woman be free to not wear make-up if they don’t want to, or wear make-up should they wish? Whatever choice a woman makes, they feel judged for that choice, and it affects youngsters too. Even my 11yo daughter refuses to leave the house without at least foundation on. At the moment there is a reason, she is suffering with pimples younger than her peers, but I hope as she grows up she realises that it is truly her choice whether to adorn her face with make-up or not.

And if a woman does wear make-up, and dress up nice, and she goes out, there is the assumption that she is doing that for attention, rather than for herself. And if she were unlucky enough to be attacked or assaulted when dressed like that, the blame is put at her feet. Things are slowly starting to change, thanks in part to artists like Jen Brockman who are purposely drawing people’s attention to clothing through various art instalations.  

I saw a video that was shared on FB recently about the ludicrousness of blaming the victim, when gender roles were switched. A man had been mugged and had his watch and wallet stolen, but who could blame the mugger when the man went out dressed in a suit, clearly advertising that he was wealthy… I thought it was a fairly good analogy when I saw the clip – until a friend pointed out the canned laughter in the background (I had watched it in silence with subtitles, so had much more impact.) 

Picture: ABSOLUTE/D'ARCANGELI

And though this rant was originally about what women wear, why can’t men wear what they want too? If a man (or boy) wants to wear pink, why not? If they want to wear a dress, or heels, why should we stop them? Why should we assume that because they do like “women’s clothes” or “women’s colours” that they must be gay or transgendered or anything else? Why can’t we just view them as who they are?

Bare Reality - 100 Vaginas

Laura Dodsworth is an artist whose work I have been following since she did her first book about women's breasts.  I first heard of her through British Naturism and since, then I have been following her Bare Reality Page on Facebook.

Laura has released three books, all showing the raw nature of our most intimate parts.  I don't own any of the books myself yet (they are on my wishlist!) but here is a summary:

Bare Reality: 100 Women, Their Breasts, Their Stories* 100 women bravely share un-airbrushed photographs of their breasts alongside honest, courageous, powerful and humorous stories about their breasts and their lives. Women from all walks of life took part, aged from 19 to 101, sized AAA to K, from Buddhist nun to burlesque dancer. Their perspectives and experiences are revealing and profoundly moving. Intimate, visually refreshing, maybe even surprising, Bare Reality will make you reconsider how you think and feel about your own body, and those of the women in your life.

Manhood: The Bare Reality* 100 men bare all in a collection of photographs and interviews about manhood and 'manhood'. These days we are all less bound by gender and traditional roles, but is there more confusion about what being a man means? From veteran to vicar, from porn addict to prostate cancer survivor, men from all walks of life share honest reflections about their bodies, sexuality, relationships, fatherhood, work and health in this pioneering and unique book. Just as Bare Reality: 100 women, their breasts, their stories presented the un-airbrushed truth about breasts for women, Manhood: The Bare Reality shows us the spectrum of 'normal', revealing men's penises and bodies in all their diversity and glory, dispelling body image anxiety and myths. Sensitive and compassionate, Manhood will surprise you and reassure you. It may even make you reconsider what you think you know about men, their bodies and masculinity.

Womanhood: The Bare Reality* 100 women bare all in an empowering collection of photographs and interviews about Womanhood.

Vagina, vulva, lady garden, pussy, beaver, c**t, fanny… whatever you call it most women have no idea what's 'down there'. Culturally and personally, no body part inspires love and hate, fear and lust, worship and desecration in the same way.  From smooth Barbie dolls to internet porn, girls and women grow up with a very narrow view of what they should look like, even though in reality there is an enormous range. Womanhood departs from the 'ideal vagina' and presents the gentle un-airbrushed truth, allowing us to understand and celebrate our diversity.  For the first time, 100 brave and beautiful women reveal their bodies and stories on their own terms, talking about how they feel about pleasure, sex, pain, trauma, birth, motherhood, menstruation, menopause, gender, sexuality and simply being a woman.

*As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.  Clicking the link will not cost you, the purchaser, any more than going direct.

Recently there was a programme on Channel 4 about the making of the Womanhood Book, called 100 Vaginas.  It is described by Ch4 as "Documentary artist Laura Dodsworth photographs women and hears their intimate, shocking, moving, powerful or funny stories about how their vaginas have shaped their lives".  It is currently available on All4 and I would recommend everybody watch it.  (It does have some scenes of a sexual nature, so not suitable for children, but would be a good talking point for teenagers, imo.)

Despite being a naturist, the vulva is the one part of the body I have not seen lots of. Unlike breasts and penises, the vulva is not on display, and usually only gets shown in the most intimate of settings.

The women who have taken part in the book, and the documentary, are not exhibitionists, but normal women.  There are some interesting and disturbing issues that are touched on in the program, and having recently been irked by the Channel4 Dispatches program, I was pleased at how sensitively the various topics were broached.  The women featured include young and old, black and white, fat and thin, transgender and gender neutral/non-binary. The topics discussed include periods, virginity, masturbation, rape, FGM, childbirth, infertility, miscarriage, gynae cancer, sex and menopause.  Included are various statistics, for example 1 in 8 women suffer infertility; or 10 women are raped in England every hour.  Though there is nothing too graphic, I can imagine that some of this may be triggering for some women.  You are not alone, and please get help from friends, family, charities or professionals if you need it.  

I think this is a good program for everyone to watch, male or female (or non-binary).
When I finally get a copy of the book, I trust Laura that it will be just as good.

Can Christian's swear?

Obviously the literal answer is 'yes, they physically can', but you know I actually mean the question should Christian's swear?

Swearing is defined by Google's dictionary as "the use of offensive language", so the automatic response may be that, Christian's shouldn't swear.  Ideally, I'd probably agree, though I'd have to admit that makes me a hypocrite, as I do use language that some consider offensive.

Searching the Bible for the word "swear", only brings up references to the "promise" definition of swearing.  However, there are other references to bad language:

Matthew 12:33-37 says “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. 36 I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 15:10-20 says "And he called the people to him and said to them, “Hear and understand: 11 it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” 12 Then the disciples came and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?” 13 He answered, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be rooted up. 14 Let them alone; they are blind guides.[c] And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” 15 But Peter said to him, “Explain the parable to us.” 16 And he said, “Are you also still without understanding? 17 Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled?[d] 18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. 20 These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.”

Ephesians 4:29 says "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

So, Christians should not be offensive.

But what is it about "swear words" that make them considered so bad?

Many of them are used as an insult, and I would agree that would be an offensive use of language.  Some are used to shock the listener, and I agree that can be offensive, depending on its intent (for example, I wouldn't use certain language amongst children nor my grandparents).  But often, they are just words.  Descriptors to conjure an image, or as an exclamation.
There are books on the etymology of swearing, and scientific studies on the hypoalgesic affect of swearing.

Personally, I don't find most swear words to be offensive.  I was brought up not to swear at all.  This included words that I doubt anyone would consider swearing these days, such as damn, crap and even fart. In fact, I've got a true anecdote about how anti-swearing I used to be:

One day, when I was around 6 years old, I came off the school coach in floods of tears.  My mum was disturbed by my obvious distress and tried to find out what had happened.  All I could say to her was that people on the coach were swearing and wouldn't stop.  Let's just say my mum is where I get my temper from, so she was beginning to get het up.  She asked a few times what was said, and I replied that I couldn't tell her because I promised that I would never swear. 

Over the course of the evening, she tried to get me to tell her what was said, so that she could approach the school in the morning, but I refused to utter a word.  Eventually, just before bed, she convinced me to tell her what was said, on the promise that I would not get in trouble, and that she would not tell my dad: Liverpool.  Yes, in my house we were all Manchester United fans, and my dad had taught me from a very young age that "Liverpool" (their arch-rivals) was a swear word, and was never to be uttered.

At least I can laugh about it now! 

The most offensive thing I think about swear words, is not the words themselves, but that many of them are references to female genitalia. What's all that about?  Gone are the days when "fuck" is the worst thing to come out of someone's mouth, now it's "cunt".  To me, though, they are both just words.  While ideally your vocabulary should be such that you don't say them every other word, a light peppering of such words doesn't concern me at all.

What I do find offensive, however, are some of the supposed light or mild swear words: "Jesus Christ", "Oh my God", "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", "Jesus Wept", "OMFG" etc.  I realise that not everyone in the world is a Christian, but surely it's polite not to use such phrases when in the company of one?  Christianity is still the largest religion in the world, yet these phrases bound so much, you wouldn't necessarily think so.  In fact, the only time I've seen similar usage towards another religion has been about Muhammed, specifically to incite hatred towards Muslims.  (I hope I don't have to say it, but I don't condone that at all.)  Whereas the usage of these terms are equally offensive for Christians, but any concern is either ignored or not even considered.  I have had a few discussions with people about how I would prefer people to use the words "fuck", "bastard", "cunt", "shit" or whatever, to blasphemy.  They are just words.  They don't hold any meaning to me.  And as long as you're not calling me a "fucking shit bastarding cunt", it doesn't bother me in the slightest.  However, Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit are all personal to me, and as such, it holds much more offensive to me if people are careless in their usage of these words.


As for me, yes I do swear.  I try not to use it too often, but it does get used as an exclamation (of pain, or of annoyance - usually at myself) or sometimes for emphasis.  I am careful about my audience too.  The exception to that is my Facebook status, but again, I don't swear too often there, either.

My word of choice tends to be "fuck" as it can be used in many scenarios and many ways.  I don't mean it offensively, so can I claim it is not offensive language and therefore not swearing? 

I hope the fuck so.

Why Aren't You Angry?

This week is half term, so we're spending most of the week at a dance festival, rather than our usual Home Ed routine.  On the days in between, I'm allowing the girls "a break" from their work, but trying to get them interested in other things. [Inverted commas, because up until recently we have been Unschooling.  A year ago we introduced a little structure/formality to their work, and more recently the girls now do some maths, from a textbook, and some reading every day, mainly so DD1 doesn't feel totally overwhelmed if she does go to school in September.]

So, on Monday, I asked the girls to sit on the sofa, with a pen and paper, and I would try to make them angry.  Not bad angry - emotional, upset, defensive, rage, meltdown, uncontrolled - but good angry - realising there's a problem and feeling the need to do something to want to change it.  I wanted them to write down anything that they thought was unfair, anything that made them feel something.  DD1 wrote down a good paragraph, whereas DD2 chose to draw her thoughts instead.


I started talking about simple, topical things, and ended up delving deeper into the subject:
The fact that when I was a young adult, I had the freedom to live or work where I liked around Europe, but my children won't have the same opportunities (ie Brexit).
That the people who will be affected by this the most (young people) cannot vote until they are 18yo.
That many people were losing their jobs as employers closed factories in the UK, preferring cheaper options abroad.
That poverty is a real concern in the UK.
That homeless people can be arrested or fined.
That the NHS is slowly becoming privatised.
That food bank use is on the rise.
That Neonazism and Fascism are becoming more mainstream.
That Zero Hour Contracts exist.
That feminism is still needed.
That climate change is still debated.
That animals are still becoming extinct because of humans.
Donald Trump (need I say more....).

I then asked if there was anything they could do about it?  I was a bit disappointed to hear the response "no".  Despite not using schools, I feel a bit guilty that my children have grown up thinking that they have no power.  I tried to explain that there are a few things that you can do, but by this point, DD1 was leaving good angry and becoming bad angry: she said she refuses to march because that's stupid, before running upstairs.   This last comment was aimed at me, because I went to London to protest to Save the NHS last year, and I will be heading there again in March to protest for a People's Vote, regarding Brexit.

By now, we had be discussing for over an hour and a half, and tbf that is quite intense to be thinking on these things for anyone, let alone two children, so we stopped there.  I did use the voucher I got for Christmas to buy some books, which arrived yesterday:

Girls Resist! A guide to Activism, Leadership and Starting a Revolution by KaeLyn Rich I skim-read this book yesterday, and it has lots of useful information in it, once you know you want to get involved in activism.  I would say it is a bit old for DD1 (11yo) yet, but that's mainly because she is not interested in politics at all.  It goes into a fair bit of depth for a book aimed at children, but that is not a bad thing at all.

Yes You Can! Your guide to becoming an Activist by Drake and Love I skim-read this book yesterday too, and this is the one I would like DD1 to read first.  It is a thinner book, with short bits from history (DD1 much prefers non-fiction to fiction, and loves history), plus selected activities you can do to make a campaign.

Politics for Beginners by Louie Stowell I flipped through this book, but will look to read it shortly.  I bought this book with DD2 (8) in mind, as there are loads of pictures and cartoons explaining key concepts, but actually, I think not only will DD1 learn from this book, but I will too!

The older I get, the more interested I am in politics, because it affects EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.  I used to be quite ignorant, and thought that it made no difference, that I could not make a difference, and I was only a passive bystander as life and politics was done to me.  It was naturism that first got me interested, specifically naturist rights, because many people are quite ignorant about what the law says about nudity.  Then, as I delved into home education, the erosion of parental rights is a key concern.  Not least that currently, the government is trying to scapegoat home educators for their own services' failings.  And yes, as I read, and think about the list I discussed with my girls (which is by no means exhaustive, as we went down some rabbit holes, with twists and turns) I find myself thinking "Why aren't you angry? Why is the general public so content with the status quo? Why are they so lazy/ignorant to not want to do anything about it?".

There is so much of this world that is wrong, or could be improved, that I would not expect everyone to be constantly up in arms about everything.  That would be more than a full time job's worth, and would not be very good for your blood pressure.  But there are lots of little things that everyone could do. Vote, every chance you get.  Signing a petition, is one small act, but with thousands of signatories, it can influence government. Going on a march and making your voice heard - especially if it's on a weekend, rather than having to take a day off work.  Refuse to buy from companies you consider unethical.  Or writing letters to companies (if about a product) or TV ombudsman (if about a program) to get your point across.  One letter may not make a difference (it may, so don't let that stop you!), but imagine if a TV producer was to receive hundreds of complaints about a specific issue; they will have to start to take notice!
And simply talk about politics more, in general conversation.  It's not something to be shied away from.  Be polite, yes, but by broaching topics naturally, can help those undecided to make a decision, and those who disagree with you may rethink their opinion.  (Equally, they may not rethink their position, but at least you'll be more informed as to why they think those things.)

Please let me know which book this was photographed from, so I can credit the author.

Why is Feminist a dirty word?

I read this article yesterday about why young women don’t call themselves feminists. This really annoyed me, because it’s just so stupid.

Feminism is defined by Google’s dictionary as “the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes”. Simply put, feminism just means women are not second class citizens, and in all honesty everybody should consider themselves feminists. We are now in the 21st Century, and women still have lesser pay than men, still are not promoted as often as men, still are expected to carry out the bulk of the chores at home and certainly carry the mental load for running a home.

Not only that, there are many circumstances where women cannot act as a man would, for fear of their own safety: running alone, especially at night; drinking alcohol or wearing a short skirt on a night out; even getting in a taxi is fraught with worry as women are expected to “take control” by taking a photo of the number plate and taxi license, for fear the driver is up to no good. [And yes, I do acknowledge that there are would-be attackers of men, too. I am not denying that. However, when a man is attacked, the first questions are not: Was he drinking? or What was he wearing? When a man is attacked the blame is firmly, and rightly, on the attacker. Women don’t have that privilege.]

Some of the reasons for not associating with feminists are because of stereotypes – the butch, man-hating, bra-burning lesbian. But even if that retort was thrown at you for calling yourself a feminist, so what? 

What does “butch” even mean? Again using Google’s dictionary (which I wish had a direct link, so I didn’t have to write it out in full each time), butch is defined as “having an appearance or other qualities of a type traditionally seen as masculine”. Now, I’m not usually one to blow my own trumpet, but when I was at uni, one of my friends created a masculinity quiz, and as a football loving, beer drinking, independent woman studying engineering, you’d be unsurprised to hear that I ranked higher on the masculinity scale than some of my male friends. Yet, I am not butch. I have chunky thighs, admittedly, but no strength in my arms at all, and I do like to wear a nice dress.

Man-hating is just silly. Lifting women up and empowering them so that they achieve the same levels and possibilities as a man, is not hating men in any shape or form. As a happily married woman, to a man, I can confirm that I have no desire to see the male sex downtrodden in any way. I just also happen to think women should not be downtrodden either.

As for bra-burning…? Well, any woman who says they don’t want to burn their bra, either has a medical condition, is so endowed that it causes back pain to not wear one, or is lying. Bras are uncomfortable. And yes, I have been measured properly. No, not by M&S. Talking with friends one day, a friend politely suggested that I was not the size I thought I was, and they were right. After being measured correctly, my cup size did miraculously increase by 4 sizes overnight. The new bra is undoubtedly much more comfortable than my old one, and I no longer suffer from ‘double boobs’; but at the end of the day, it is such a comfort to get home and remove my bra. In fact, not wearing a bra, is one of the reasons why when I do have my PBM, I do not want my nipples spared nor reconstructed. Summer days of Tshirts without a bra underneath – bliss!

Lastly, lesbianism. Really? Is that the best you can do? Whether it’s something you identify with or not, even if you are someone who considers it to be sinful, how can being a lesbian be any more of an insult than calling me out for being heterosexual? [Now, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be upset for being insulted because of their sexuality; and I am fully aware of the privilege I’ve had because I am heterosexual. What I’m trying to say, and clearly failing as I have written and deleted these past sentences multiple times, is that we need to move away from society thinking that is an ‘allowed’ insult.]

Things do seem to be changing, albeit slowly, thanks in part to social media and various hashtags like #IamAFeminist #ThisisWhatAFeministLooksLike and #EverydaySexism. Various celebrities, male and female, are being more prominent and calling themselves feminists. Slowly, men are starting to call each other out on their behaviour.  Things are improving, but there is still a definite need for feminism.

Feminism is not a dirty word.

I am a feminist and I hope you are one too.

Feeling Refreshed

Two days at home, not because of illness, and I'm feeling really refreshed!

Yesterday was a "Snow Day", so I cancelled all the tutoring I was meant to be doing, the girls' dance lessons were cancelled and we  stayed at home.  Even my husband decided to work from home (and he does actually work when wfh, unlike when I was employed...) so we had lunch together and he was 'home' earlier than usual because of the lack of commute.

I was feeling quite emotional after my previous post, so I was glad to have the excuse to hibernate.  The girls played in the snow, and came in to play Minecraft together to warm up. We even watched more Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, and put it into practice, by helping DD1 sort through her clothes!  As she has the smallest bedroom in the house, DD1 also has the smallest furniture; and though her chest of drawers had seven drawers, they are tiny - smaller than half the size of mine.  Well, I've discovered, that by folding her pants and storing them upright I can actually fit 40 pairs in a single drawer - I didn't actually realise she had that much underwear!!

Today, the dance school was open again, but my car is only little and I don't like driving in the snow at the best of time, so I gave DD2 the option as to whether she wants to go in or not.  She chose not to, opting to finish building their snowman instead.  I spent some time in the garden with the girls and helped them with their masterpiece.  It was good to be outside and have fun as a family. In the time it took me to get my phone for a photo, the girls decided that the snow woman should be playing a flower-trumpet, but who am I to argue with their creative genius?

I've even nearly caught up on my washing, my husband has nearly caught up on the dishwashing (I control the washing machine, he controls the dishwasher) and I managed to make Slender choc chip cookies before we watched A Ripple Through Time film.  After the film we enjoyed homemade tomato soup and some more Slow Cooker Bread, which I had left to rise longer this time so was nice and fluffy.

Tomorrow we have a busy day, as the girls will have to go to their various dance lessons, they have exam practice and festival practice, as they are coming up within the next three weeks.  But right now, my husband is taking the girls to bed, and I'm relaxing on the sofa about to watch some TV.

Depression and Me

I thought I’d write this post about my depression, because it’s something I don’t talk about very much in real life, and mental health is something really important, and we shouldn’t be afraid to speak about it.

Depression is defined in Google’s dictionary as “feelings of severe despondency and dejection” and by the NHS as “if you're depressed, you feel sad, hopeless and lose interest in things you used to enjoy”. Some people call it the black dog, under the black cloud, the invisible illness, or simply say they’re “not well”. Statistically more than 3% of adults are diagnosed/depressed each year, but it’s very important to remember that everybody is an individual, and just because something worked for you or a friend, or your second-cousin-twice-removed’s neighbour’s uncle’s dog, does not mean that it will work for the next person, especially if you are also advocating that they come off any prescribed medication.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about suicidal thoughts etc.

When I was a teenager, I was depressed. I don’t remember when it started, but I do know a catalogue of things that contributed to it, and I was depressed by the time I was 13. At one point, a couple of my close friends were also depressed and talked of suicide, so at school I would try and comfort and support them. I think I did an ok job? (none of them committed suicide), though one did self harm occasionally. Looking back, I never told a teacher or their parents about it. I didn’t want them to get in trouble. I was stupid and wrong.

At 15yo I was definitely suicidal. On the outside I have everything going for me, and I didn’t like to be the centre of attention, so I didn’t tell a soul. Literally nobody. I was a “good” girl, I was academically able, I had friends to chat to at school and would visit their homes. There was nothing “wrong”, so I kept all my feelings inside and lived inside my head a lot of the time. At one point, I was very low, and held a steak knife pointed into my stomach, under the table, over dinner. It was pointy! (understatement!) but I was aware enough to know that that wouldn’t be a pleasant way to go, especially as if I'd failed, I would probably have given myself an infection. I had actually planned out my suicide. I’m not going to describe it here. I will say, that it was the ‘best’ that I could come up with, that would achieve it’s goal according to my own parameters. Nobody needed me. Nobody liked me. Nobody loved me. I was an annoyance at school and to my family. Nobody would miss me. Why didn’t I go through with it? Because, knowing how my family worked, it would be my mum who found me and I didn’t think that was fair on her.

Throughout this time I was a Christian. I didn’t attend church (I wasn’t allowed to), but did go to (and run for a while) my school’s Christian Union. I read the Bible, and prayed daily. Often crying out for help. I do believe God heard me. I came through my suicidal thoughts, by the time I was 18. Looking back, I should have told someone. I should have gone to the GP and got antidepressants. I should not have tried to go through it alone (albeit with God by my side). I was lucky, and do feel blessed by God for that experience.

Depression has never totally gone away; it always bubbles under the surface. Most of the time at university, I forgot about it. Occasionally my mood would dip, especially if I was struggling with the work, but overall things were ok.

When I became pregnant with DD1 I had a horrendous time. Initially I was told I’d miscarried, but I hadn’t.  Then I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum - extreme “morning sickness” that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Because she was “small for dates” I was told she probably had a chromosome disorder, but they wouldn’t know until she was born because I chose not to have the full set of tests available. She was 2 weeks overdue when born via Emergency Caesarian Section, after a failed induction. From the EmCS I got an infection in my abdomen, and because of the pain meds I got an anal fissure. And she didn’t take to breastfeeding very well, despite having may breastfeeding counsellors trying to help, so I had bleeding and agonising nipples for the first 8 weeks of her life. Was it a surprise I had PND and PTSD?
Fortunately, my health visitor was a wonderful lady and picked up on the signs. I am very self-aware, and knew something wasn’t right, not least because of the effect my husband had on me: I had such a fear of getting pregnant, that if my husband came near me, even to the point of holding my hand, my head, my brain would SCREAM at me. A high pitch, not-quite-audible alarm, even though my rational brain knew my husband just wanted to show affection or comfort me, and I wanted him to. So, my HV arranged for me to see a counsellor – what a waste of time and space. I explained everything that happened in the pregnancy, birth, post-birth. I explained about my head screaming if my husband would dare to touch my shoulder, even though rationally I knew there was nothing to fear. She asked me whether I wanted to have sex with my husband – yes I wanted to, but physically/psychologically couldn’t. Then her advice to me what to buy a vibrator. Seriously! I never went back.

It took longer than I hoped, but by getting a copy of my maternity notes, and getting support from various online communities, I did get past it, and DD2 was born. I had a slight dip again, after she was born, but nowhere near as bad as after DD1’s birth.

Life went on, and my mood would go up and down. I discovered that internally, I’m a very angry person. I wouldn’t necessarily show it in public, but sometimes some of my thoughts or actions would scare myself. I put myself through an anger management course, and did learn some useful techniques. However a few years ago a load of shit happened at the same time: beloved grandparents died, my mum’s cancer diagnosis, my father-in-law’s mental health issues, my husband had job issues – it all felt like it was getting on top of me.

At first I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve been depressed before, and I wasn’t as bad as I was then. I wasn’t suicidal, though I occasionally had bad thoughts – that was my gauge: if I started thinking about how I’d planned suicide previously, even though I knew I didn’t want to go through with it, that was the time to start making time for myself, looking after my mental health and start to work through it.

Then, over 2 years ago now, I had a full hysterectomy and BSO. I was put into immediate surgical menopause, but thankfully was given HRT (oestrogen patches) straight after the operation. After a few months, I could feel myself getting more and more angry, and wondered whether it was a side effect of the menopause and my HRT needed increasing, so went to see my GP. She was lovely, asked a few questions, including whether I thought I was depressed and whether I was suicidal. I explained that I had in the past, but didn’t think I was depressed now; and that I wasn’t suicidal, but thoughts about suicide had started occurring more frequently, so I knew it was a sign that something had to be done. I was told that what I was feeling was not due to the menopause, but I was clearly depressed – I’d just lived with fairly low level depression for so long that it was normal for me, and she prescribed me with antidepressants.

It makes such a difference to me. I’ve been on the medication for 2 years now, and if I accidentally forget to take it, it makes a difference to my mood immediately. Admittedly, I tend not to notice at the time – I’ll think the girls are playing up more than usual, or DD1 is having a pre-teen mood swing – but when I realise I have missed a tablet, all the extra arguments, irritations and niggles makes sense.

My mood does still go up and down. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Normally it manifests itself in terms of my executive functioning ability. I can’t keep control of my house. My personal hygiene starts to decline. I feel like my children hate me. I want to hide from everything and everyone. Getting out of bed is difficult. I can’t sleep until the early hours, and then can’t wake in the morning. Everything is too much effort. I can’t cook, so my eating goes out of control, and then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. And I’m angry.

But it is somewhat predictable. I know it will pass, and it does. I try not to impact my children, and will still drive them about the place, even when I really don’t want to. And soon enough, it has passed, and I’m back to being stable again. I know I get affected by SAD, so as the nights and mornings are getting lighter, I feel in control again, and there is longer between the dips.

If you, or anyone you know suffers with depression, please encourage them. Include them and invite them, even if you know they may need to turn it down. Give them practical help, especially if they feel they can’t leave their home for a while. Love them. Encourage them to see their GP, because 1. medication is not evil and 2. there are other treatments such as counselling, or CBT etc. Listen to them. Be there, not necessarily saying or doing anything, just sitting. Remind them that they are not alone.

We care. We will help. We love you.

I wish I knew who created this to give them the credit.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):

Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 

Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend