Becoming Fearless by Michelle Aguilar

This book was in my list of Christian books that I hadn't yet read, and with the subtitle of "My Ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God" that is the book I was expecting.  Whilst that was surely delivered by this book, I wasn't expecting it to also be a book about weightloss.   It wasn't until I started reading this autobiography, that I found out that Michelle had won the reality TV competition The Biggest Loser in the US, so it also chronicles her trials and triumphs as she aims to lose weight.  (Remember, until I got my newfangled Kindle, I could only judge books by their title and nothing more.)

The blurb says:

Michelle Aguilar's inspiring story goes beyond her grand-prize victory on the immensely popular The Biggest Loser. Becoming Fearless is about having faith in God when you've lost faith in yourself. It is an encouragement to "feel the fear" in any obstacle in life without being paralyzed by it. Finally, it is a story about reconciliation between Michelle and her mother, an exploration of the difficult and freeing work of forgiveness, and a reminder that what you learn on the journey is even more important than the destination.

I really liked this book; it was much more than I expected it to be.  There is a strong theme of trusting God throughout, as Michelle shares her history, her struggles and inner turmoil.  It is about stepping out in faith, in order to do everything you are called to.  Though there is a lot about her weightloss, the book is very clear that it was done in the bubble of a TV show, rather than the real world, and now she has to keep up the motivation to eat properly and exercise, now she is back in the real world.  Ultimately, as Michelle learned to trust God, she was also able to learn to trust others and herself too.

Weekly Update Y2w3

My general curve is still going down *and* I hit a low for the year!

I have eaten out twice this weekend, and stopped tracking (naughty me), so that explains the increase the past couple of days.  Overall I am pleased with my progress so far, and hope to build on it this week!

The first meal out was for a steak dinner with my husband whilst our girls dance on a Friday night.  We ate a steak each, but shared the sides and didn't have chips.  It was lovely, and I didn't miss the carbs.  We did share a dessert too, but eating out should be enjoyed.  Despite all this, I didn't go over my calories for the day, so I was doubly pleased.  I shared that on one of my support groups, and was promptly told off for trying to stick to 1200 kcals limit, which isn't enough for anybody.  Whereas I was posting more to say that it was possible, and I didn't feel like I had denied myself anything that day, as opposed to aspiring to stay under that amount.  I know there are many people who think My Fitness Pal's suggested calories are not conducive to healthy weightloss.  I, however, find them to be accurate for my activity level (ie lazy bum) as if I eat much more, I do tend to gain weight.  That, of course, doesn't stop me from eating more, as I'm only using it to track, rather than to be a hard limit for the calories I eat each day.  I also think it's more important to be aware of nutrition and to eat mostly nutrition-dense foods, rather than calorie-dense.

The second meal out was a Murder Mystery evening in Abingdon, thanks to Dine Naked Oxford and British Naturism, with characters played by the Oxford Imps.  The food was Moroccan, so a mixed starter that was placed in the middle of the table.  I allowed myself one half of pitta, hummus, and probably too many almonds.  The main was chicken tagine with cous cous, and the dessert was Moroccan style rice pudding.  The Murder Mystery itself was quite good fun, as it was improvised and there were plenty of jokes.  Our table did guess the correct murderer, albeit for the wrong reason, so we didn't 'win', but enjoyed ourselves nonetheless.

This week, we have lots of food in our Freezer that we are going to try and eat up; most of it portioned out already.  Unfortunately, the writing has come off all the boxes, so we don't know what we're eating until it's defrosted, lol.

Engineering

Both mine and my husband's degrees are in engineering (technically, mine is Engineering Science, and his is Engineering and Computer Science) as that is how we met.

One of the benefits of home educating is that we can follow our children's interests, and up to very recently, their interests haven't followed ours.  Since DD1 has started school, she now loves maths and has realised she's quite good at it (duh! No surprise to me, she's always been good at it, but hasn't seen the point of doing it so refused to be pushed).  Since the summer, DD2 has decided she wants to be an engineer, prompted, probably, from watching youtube videos from Mini Gear or The Q.  I think had DD2 developed this interest earlier, then DD1 would have discovered a more practical use for maths, but it wasn't to be. I'm just glad she no longer hates it.

So for Christmas this year, being the good parent I am (last Friday excepting), not only did I buy DD2 some engineering books, I bought her a load of cardboard too.  Totally forgetting that almost everything arrives in cardboard, so now our conservatory is overflowing with the stuff!  I also bought her a robotics kit and last week, with Daddy, she made her first robot.  This robot is on two wheels and rolls forward at speed.  Our floor, however, is too shiny/slippery and the robot can't get a grip and ends up rotating ridiculously fast, but is fun to watch.

I have to admit, that when I saw how much fun she was having, I have ended up buying a load of other motors, wire, connectors, switches, and lots of other geeky stuff that I hope she will end up using.

Today DD2 and I started making a hydraulic arm together.  It is actually surprisingly hard following directions from a youtube video.  I would much rather have some written instructions, rather than the continual play, pause, rewind, play again, oops missed it, start again process that we are having to go through.

DD2 is actually being really helpful.  I was worried that I would end up doing it all (not that I mind in reality - it's actually quite fun), but she has been measuring and cutting out the cardboard, getting the next pieces ready, helping glue etc.  I have used the glue gun and the drill myself, though tbh even that I think she could have done. We have stopped half way through (we've actually gone slightly further than this pic, because we have started attaching the syringes for the hydraulics), but after a good few hours, both DD2 and I were ready for a break.
It's looking good so far!

Depression doesn't just go away

I've written about my depression a few times, and mention it more often.
Depression and Me
Feeling Like Shit
Why don't I like myself?

So, this is going to be another honest/frank/tell-it-as-it-is post.  I do need to add at this point a

**TRIGGER WARNING: discussion about suicide**

and also a note for friends in real life that I'm ok; I'm not feeling these things any more; and I did have friends to help me through, and will be talking about it again on Wednesday with my therapist.

So, I had a bit of shit time at the end of last week.

On Thursday in my local paper, there was a horrific story about animal abuse - a man is going through the courts because he has neglected a load of dogs.  These dogs live in his mum's home as she used to run a kennels and these dogs were her pride and joy.  However, the paper went on to say that the woman now has dementia, and was left in her house with no food for her nor her dogs.  The dogs were starving to death, many had illnesses and sores, and some were left dead on the floor of her home.  There was even a dead dog in the freezer (which I found weird that that was the thing that tipped many of the FB commenters over the edge, whereas that was the least of my concerns).

Anyway, it turns out that I know this woman.  I used to live 3 doors down from her, before I moved 4 and a half years ago.  I said I'd keep in touch, and though I tried phoning a few times initially, I lost her number.  I do send her a Christmas card each year with an update of my girls (she's one of only 4 Christmas cards that I actually send regularly), I cannot say that I have kept my promise to keep in touch.

So on Thursday I was wracked with guilt.  My logical brain knows it's unlikely that I could have done anything, as it turns out the people who live next door didn't know what was going on, but I still think that I could have been a better friend.  If I had kept in touch, I may have noticed something sooner.  Having relatives with dementia, and seeing the state their lives get in (without outside help), it is horrendous to think that she was living amongst dead and decaying dogs, with no food, and presumably didn't have the capacity to either know anything was wrong, or worse, did know something was wrong, but couldn't do anything about it.

Either I coincidentally got a cold on Thursday night, or the stress lowered my immune system.  I couldn't sleep and had throbbing headaches (not quite a migraine, but really painful).  Thursday night, this lady's other son got in contact with me, so now I do have her phone number again, as did one of the people who live next door to her - which I thought was really considerate of both of them.  I did say to the son that I would phone his mum on Friday afternoon - well we're now Monday (at time of typing) and I still haven't phoned, but hopefully I'll have the courage to today.  Being someone who doesn't like phones at the best of times, doesn't like small talk, and feel tremendous guilt for not staying in touch more, I do have to build up the strength and courage to phone, however cowardice that may seem.

Thursday I was feeling bad all day, both ill and guilty.  I was very very tired and my head was pounding.  Not that that can excuse what is coming next, but hopefully puts it in a bit of context.

DD1 comes home from school and starts going on and on.  We need to leave almost immediately to go to dancing (as we do every Friday) and DD2 and I had tried to get DD1's dance stuff ready, but clearly we hadn't done a good enough job.  Even when I was in the toilet, I had the girls shouting to me through through the door, and I did snap back - they're not toddlers anymore, they should be able to wait 2 minutes!

In the car on the way to dance, I can't even remember what started it, but DD1 and I were arguing.  I kept saying that I needed quiet.  I was trying to focus on driving, which was hard enough with a cold and a pounding headache, yet DD1 just couldn't be quiet (we think this is a symptom of her autism, and is something we need to work through).  As I am starting to feel when my temper is rising, I know that I need to walk away and have some quiet, then I can calm down before going back to the matter at hand (and it's probably my own autism that has meant it's taking me 30+ years before I figured this out).  However, when stuck in the car in a line of traffic on a dual carriageway, there is nowhere for me to go.  I shout at DD1, she shouts back.  I just need her to be quiet, and she keeps answering back and answering back and answering back, and then it happened.  I slapped her leg.  I'm not proud of it.  It is not something I would do in my right mind.  It is not something I condone, and I wish it had never happened, but it did and is pertinent to this story.  Did it have the desired effect? Nope.  DD1 shouts at me again, so I hit her again.  In the same place on her leg.  Now her leg is bright red.  She does, now, shut up for a bit - until we arrive at dancing.  Then she is hysterical.  She won't now go into dancing and wants to be taken home.  I'm furious with her and furious with myself.  I finally persuade DD2 to go into dancing, and I have to go into the building myself in order to pay for the week's extra lessons.  Meanwhile DD1 is on the phone to my husband saying that I'm abusing her.  She refuses to go into the building, so now I have to go back in, find her teachers and apologise for the fact she is refusing to go in.  I end up bringing her home again, and I go straight to bed.  By now I'm ashamed of my outburst and my actions. I know I need space, I know I need sleep, and I cannot face anyone.

In case anyone is at all concerned, I do not condone physical violence against children - especially when it is committed by me.  It is not something I do often, nor is it something I want to do.  I was hit as a child and hated it, and never want to hit my own children.  It is not done as a way to make myself feel more powerful, to make my children fear me or as a tool for bullying, but it is done from a sense of powerless.  I lose control.  I'm the adult, and I shouldn't.  If it were an adult next to me, I imagine they would have stopped when they could see that I'm losing control.  This isn't something my daughter has learned yet.  If the adult didn't notice and continued, I probably would have slapped their leg too, I don't discriminate.  At that point in time, I couldn't think of a better way of getting the quiet needed in order to concentrate on the road.  I need to do better in future.

In recent weeks, I had been thinking my depression was lifting.  Even when bad things were happening, I was able to get through it, and yes my mood would dip, but then it would come back up again.  I had thoughts about lowering my medication, and about stopping seeing my therapist - in fact, for the past couple of months, I thought my session this coming Wednesday would be my last with her.  I thought if the therapy stopped, and I was still feeling good, then perhaps in the summer I could reduce my dose of antidepressants.

On Friday night I was feeling bad.  Guilt and shame wracked me. I wanted to die.  I'm not a good mother.  I'm not a good parent.  There was no point to me, other than causing my children hurt and pain.  At one point I was afraid to get out of bed because I knew that our medicines live in the drawer under my bed, and I couldn't get any food from the kitchen because I knew the knives lived there.  I haven't felt like that in a long long time.  I was shocked at how suddenly and how deeply I felt these things, and it served to remind me that depression doesn't just go away.  It bubbles under the surface. I prayed desperately to go to sleep so I could switch off these feelings, and I did manage to sleep on and off on Friday night.  I also did something I've not done before - talk to friends about those feelings.  They helped me through the worst of it, and encouraged me to talk to my husband.  When feeling like that, you feel like a burden, and knowing my husband has stresses at work and with his family, I didn't want to add to it.  Though on Saturday I did stay in bed most of the day (I really was very tired!), I did talk to him.  I can't talk about feeling like that when I'm in it - even with my friends I had to wait until it had passed - but that was the quickest I had managed: a few hours later, rather than weeks or years as previously.

Now, I'm back to normal - whatever normal is. 😀
I think it must have been an extreme reaction to an unfortunately accumulation of events.  I'm certainly not suicidal now, and am very glad that God and some part of my brain took control and forced me to stay in bed until the feeling passed.  I'm sharing this, not for sympathy, but hopefully to encourage others why may have similar thoughts or feelings to speak out, whether to friends, family or doctors.
It's time to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Here are some useful websites and phone numbers (if you're UK based):
Samaritans: 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 or email info@mind.org.uk 
Time to Change: here is a longer list of support they recommend

Weekly Update Y2w2

Following advice, I have decided to start my graph again from the start of the year; hoping that means that my post-Christmas weight is the biggest I'll be this year and my graph will look pretty and trending downwards for the rest of the year.

And so far it's working.  The yellow line (that's an average across 5 days) is smoothly going down, so that's good.  Though I am not specifically calorie counting, I am tracking my calories daily and on the whole am under 1500kCals each day.

My lowest weight(s) though are from days where my mental health hasn't been good, and I did something new for me.  Rather than bingeing, which is my usual response to emotional stuff, I stopped eating.  I just couldn't face it.  A day or two of that won't harm anyone, but having lived through starvation when I was pregnant (hyperemesis gravidarum) it is not good nor healthy for anyone to do that often.

I'm trying to get myself into a new weekly routine of having a grocery shop arrive on a Tuesday - Tuesday because that's the day (atm) that I'm not rushing here, there or everywhere.  Immediately, I will make a slow cooker thing for dinner, and a smaller slow cooker soup.  Last week I made Coriander Chicken, which was so easy - basically, salsa, chicken and fresh coriander cooked together.  Yum.  We ate that with rice, which was delicious.  However, because the recipe I'm following cooks for 6 people (and my girls are very fussy with their food) it meant we ate the same main (with different sides) 3 nights in a row.  The soup we were eating for lunch, and I actually made 2 soups last week.  My husband isn't keen on having the same meal multiple times, and our freezer is full of past meals that I've portioned out, and then forgot about...  He has suggested that I scale down the meals to make enough for either 2 or 4 people - but that ain't happening this week! lol.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking hoisin chicken, and I love hoisin (and Chinese food/flavours in general), so I'll be making the full amount of that, hehe.  I haven't decided what soup I am making yet (last week I made Tortilla soup and Miso soup), but am thinking of using up the veg we have in the freezer.  In a few weeks we're finally getting a new kitchen - yey! so I want to use up as much of the stuff in the freezer as possible, so it's easier to move around all the appliances.

Given that I ate fairly normally yesterday, and my weight rose slightly, I hope that is not going to continue.  I don't mind losing weight slowly, as long as I am losing weight.  That's partly why I also look at the average - so daily fluctuation doesn't matter too much.  Here's hoping this next week continues the progress I've made this year.

Live Uncaged by Mary DeMuth

Live Uncaged is no longer available on Amazon UK, but its blurb said:

Are you stuck in the past? Don't know how to heal beyond what happened to you back then? Are you tired of repeating the mistakes of your parents?

Author Mary DeMuth helps you understand your past, embrace healing today, and anticipate an irresistible future.

Through biblical teaching, real life in-the-trenches examples, and an eye toward spiritual growth, author Mary DeMuth helps you live the uncaged life you've always wanted.

Throughout this  book Mary DeMuth goes through lots of different ways in which we can be living as if caged, rather than allowing Christ to set us free.  I should as a trigger warning here, because Mary has experienced much pain in her life, not lease because of sexual abuse and rape that she has experienced as a child.  Despite this, thoughout the book you can see the joy that has come into her life thanks to her faith.

As this book is a collection of blog posts, rather than written as a book, some of the topics are repeated, but don't let this put you off.  Each post is clearly laid out, and Mary puts her heart and soul on the page, as she prays for herself and for the reader that they get healing from whatever ails them.

A Flair for Chardonnay by Deborah Garner

This is the first book I have read this year, and I enjoyed it.  It is about a woman who owns a fashion shop notices one of her shop-neighbours, a chocolatier called Matteo, has had an argument with his family and decides to investigate.  Before long, a murder has occurred and it looks like Matteo may be the guilty party.

The blurb says:

When flamboyant senior sleuth Sadie Kramer learns the owner of Cioccolato, her favorite chocolate shop, is in trouble, she heads for the California wine country with a tote-bagged Yorkie and a slew of questions. The fourth generation Tremiato Winery promises answers, but not before a dead body turns up at the vintners’ scheduled Harvest Festival.

All four Tremiato siblings have possible motives, as well as a few peripheral acquaintances, but only one could be the guilty party. As Sadie juggles truffles, tips and turmoil, she’ll need to sort the grapes from the wrath in order to find the identity of the killer.

This was an enjoyable book, a cosy murder mystery, with a laid-back pace of Sadie and her dog Coco.  It kept me reading, as I wasn't sure who the real murderer was, and all loose ends were neatly tied up at the end of the book.
The only negative to this book was that it referred to Sadie's sleuthing, and the fact that detectives were refusing to come to her for guidance, - making me think I had started halfway through a series - when in fact this is indeed the first of 4 books.  I think it just means that rather than a flamboyant senior sleuth, Sadie Kramer is a nosey-parker who likes to get involved in other people's business.
I'm glad I read it, nonetheless.