Depression as a Christian

I feel the need to preface this post by saying that I know depression is hard for everyone.  I know that depression manifests itself differently for different people, and I'm certainly not suggesting Christians are better than other people.

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Depression as a Christian is hard.  Not only do I have the depression itself, but I feel the added pressure of "If God was real, he'd take away your depression" and "If you were a true Christian, you wouldn't have depression" - both of which are lies that add to making you feel worse.

Recently, I've been feeling crap.  Nothing, that I'm aware of, triggered it.  I just felt numb and 'meh'.  I wasn't suicidal, and wasn't in a pit of existential despair, I just felt sad and have been on this ride long enough to know that my depression was kicking in.  My self care had gone, and I felt like I had to be everywhere doing everything, but not managing anything - all of which made me feel worse.

I tried to let go of the small stuff.  Not worry that my house was looking worse and worse.  Not worry that I just wanted to run away and hide, whilst knowing that I have too much responsibility to be able to do that. I'm in the middle of various FOI requests regarding home education and the treatment of home educators; I have my tutees that I love tutoring (whilst simultaneously looking forward to the summer break!); I have DD2 that I am actually home educating (when she is not watching repeats of Miraculous); and even this afternoon I have a meeting with my Local Authority about changing their HE policy.  And walk the dog.  And see my PT.  And spend time with my family.  And phone family that live further away.  And see friends.  And keep in touch with friends who live further away.  And... And... And...

Two weeks on, and I'm in a place where my mental health is such that I can write this post, though I have been thinking about it for a while.  

Many people think (including some Christians) that Christians have to be "happy" all the time, with stupid grins stuck to their face (yes, I'm jealous due to RBF), never getting angry, with glitter and sparkles wherever they go.  However, when you read the Bible, it doesn't actually say that.  Nowhere that I recall does it say that Christians will have an easy life with everything they want - indeed it says that Christians will be persecuted* for their faith and suffer hardship.

*Brief segue: whilst some Christians are persecuted for their faith, I do think that many of the claims in the West about persecution are not.  This is a discussion for another time.

I listen to worship songs in my car (much to my girls' annoyance), and I can feel the love of God, even when I am depressed.  It doesn't take the depression away, however.  But I have the knowledge, understanding and faith, that my depression is merely feeling and emotion, and however I am feeling, does not mean that, poof, God suddenly doesn't exist anymore.

Paul wrote many of his letters whilst in prison, after having been beaten or stoned, having to run and flee for his life.  He knew that no matter how he felt, God is still in control.

For the individual Christian, more specifically me, this disparity between 'head knowledge' and 'heart knowledge' can make me feel worse at times.  Not helped by hereditary Catholic guilt, disagreeing with my current church (Baptist) on a couple of issues, and knowing what I'm really like, all mean that I know I am not a "good Christian", and I wonder if I was "better" then I wouldn't feel like this?  Obviously, the answer is "no", and when I'm feeling normal, like I do right now, I can rationalise that.  The whole point of Christianity, is that there is nothing we can do to earn our place with God.  As good as a mere human can be, we could always be better, however, rather than that forcing everyone into depression, God came down to earth, to meet us at our level, where we currently are, with all our sins and guilt and shame and everything else. And because of that, is why we can still be joyful and sing God's praises, even when we are depressed and 'meh'.